HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - , and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

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Sounds like he isn't that happy to me! Sometimes people make "impulse" purchases to cheer themselves up. The fact that he isn't looking after himself demonstrates depression???

why & mrsc- I'm beyond words -- I think i need to dig out that article again about Twunts wanting to financially & emotionally destroy us - just because they can!
I was wondering today - I like to look at things from different perspectives - is there a "female" book equivalent to all the "male" books that seem to have this behaviour down to a t - along the lines of "my wife doesn't understand me - why its ok to have an affair and do untold damage to your kids?" - perhaps this features heavily on dadsnet?

i have just googled - i like the description of an ugly kangaroo girl

“Males cheat on loyal women to boost their ego. A woman can be perfect for him. Beautiful, career minded, own money, cooks, does whatever he wants her to do in bed, loyal, intelligent, educated, faithful and yet, he will still cheat on her with an ugly, kangaroo looking girl every time. But why?

How a male treats a woman is NOT a reflection of HER worth. Nor is it a reflection on anything she LACKS or is not doing. An overly macho, mentally weak, sensitive-minded male knows he does not DESERVE a strong minded woman. In his mind, he thinks one day she will mentally awaken to the realization she deserves better than him & leave him. This is why males cheat on a woman, to have POWER over her. He cheats on her to boost his ego.

A male knows if he cheats on a loyal woman, she will care about him more. Yes, initially she will be shocked a man has the audacity to cheat on her, especially with an UGLY woman. No, not merely “physically” ugly, no. The word UGLY describes the particular amount of compassion, sweetness and being genuine and nurturing the woman he cheats with lacks.

I get it now - i was out of his league - guess I must still be - oh and he was empty!

more of the article for all you lovely loyal ladies! we are all QUEENS

"As a mentally mature Man, we need a Woman who will be genuine with us at all times, even if that means she speaks her mind to the point her words pierce us and her tone appears to be “smart mouthed”. In reality, she’s not being “smart mouthed’ she’s being a Queen mentality strong enough to verbally ascend to her thrown.

a Loyal, Strong Minded Woman will speak her mind, regardless of what anyone thinks. Tell us the TRUTH. Tell us when we are WRONG. A Loyal woman will not allow us to hurt her multiple times & still accept us. That is NOT loyalty. Not at all. That is Pacifying. Babying. Appeasing.

A Loyal Woman will be loyal to your MANHOOD, not loyal to your EGO. A Loyal Woman will tell us the TRUTH, even if that means she might LOSE us. A Loyal Woman will tell us when our shitstinks, even if it makes us mad. A mentally mature man does not want a YES woman. Trust me. We don’t want a girl who will LET us hurt you and abuse you over & over & still accept us back, simply because you keep being told through Instagram Memes that real love must be suffered through and fought for. If she still stays with us after we prove to her time and time again that we genuinely aren’t strong enough as a man to keep her consistently happy in a relationship, it means she doesn’t really care about us as a man. She only cares about how we make her feel sexually. She is dickdizzy.""

A Jaffa. As Del Boy once referred to it

Do you think that was a factor in him cheating?

Hobbit I'm so sorry about your house, I hope that circumstances may change and that you ,might be able to keep it. x

WWK good to heat that you are okay, would think it was very emotional for you. Good luck with everything. x

Thanks for your googling Green it was very interesting.

Sorry hope to catch up properly tomorrow. I've had a shit week and had my sister round tonght and I'm a bit tiddly. Had a fun evening an really needed it, we were chatting and singing along really badly to ABBA while my daughter hid in her room

Hmmm interesting. The OW in my case has certain assets, money and youth being two of them. However I am sure even her mother would have acknowledged she is not exactly attractive. The boys, who have said little as trying to be loyal to both sides have suggested she sleeps on a bed of hay. It has also ben suggested that she might be 'on the spectrum' it appears her social skills are not great.

Saw the mediator for first appt last night. The 'unexpected' pregnancy is going to make it get for the four of us to live together. I am beyond fear, anger, resentment and upset.

Make it hard, not sure where the get came from?

"Fuckit" I empathize

It's really tough when someone tells you what the possible outcome might be for the future, and it's not as you expected. Or it's what you guessed might happen and it's confirmed in words.

Has he had his first meeting as well?

I'm collating stuff for the sol this afternoon. My head goes somewhat mushy in these situations so I am writing it down (and giving him a copy so he won't spend all his time taking notes!)

I would probably be taking a totally different approach if it wasn't for the DDs

I agree - with all of it! Yes, he has had his first as well so on to next bit now.

I knew it was going to be v hard, just as you say not great hearing that confirmed :(

Keep strong Bob x

Hello fuckit my love, yeah with you on the fear , anger resentment and upset front, feel all of those emotions and more, eg, anger, on a daily basis. Just don't know how I'm going to cope with the whole mediation process, will have to take double rations of beta blockers to get through it, I cried in my assessment ! Mediator must of thought I was off my rocker, he certainly looked surprised.

Just got to hoik up my big girl pants and get some balls of steel from somewhere, channel my anger into fighting for what is right for me and my son. Where can I find out about maintenance precedent for Young adults with special needs, Bobs do you know? You're a clever girl :)

I just know when I see him sitting across from me, calmly discussing the financial dismantling of all our years together, and having no emotional attachment to anything at all, that's just going to be so hard, not to feel such intense rage and hatred for what he has done to our family, not to,lash out verbally at his lack of empathy at causing such distress and worry.

How am I going to do it? How did you do it? I suppose because there is no alternative. Ithink I can safely say that I have never hated anyone as much as I hate him. :(

Hobbit of course the mediator's have seen crying before! I cried more or less all the way through my first session (individual)

Yep - balls of steels is what we all need...and then some!!!

Can't answer your question, sorry! Try googling?

Have to go - sol at 2pm and clenchy stomach!!

hello all - feeling a bit down today - think there are a lot of people out there that don't quite get the emotional toll this has on you unless you have been through it - Just because i am not at the stage where I cannot function at all doesn't mean I am not struggling - yes I am managing to do some things such as make sure the kids have got clean clothes and there is food in the house but everything else is hit & miss - given the choice Id probably crawl into a hole - i need to get the house valued again for Form E but can't get myself motivated to get it into a fit state ready to be valued- STBXH has not had a backward glance since he left!

hobbit - i blubbed all the way through the first session - but don't get why the mediator was surprised - surely they are used to this? I need some balls of steel from somewhere right now too - the anger is being overtaken by frustration and despair - the kids are in a bit of a "down" phase too- the consolation in all this was that the chap at MH could see how I was being emotionally destroyed. I hate feeling like this - its f88king shit but as I keep saying I am not bloody superwoman.

good luck bobs

hobbit second session thought I was going to be a blubbing wreck again too- but his "cowardly" approach gave me strength and at one point I can remember getting up & shouting at him "this is not a bloody game" because to him it is! Personally I think the mediators had him sussed I had made it clear that his behaviour is abusive they kept us apart for half of it - would have kept us apart for all of it had I insisted but I wanted him to face me -I am not afraid of all this but he is - that is why he can't communicate with me on anything now and why he is running away from his responsibility. This could all have been sorted by now! - thats what makes me angry - he tells me to move on but won't relenquish his control - all made clear in the Freedom book!

If you feel intimidated in anyway hobbit I hope you have mentioned this.

I did mention feeling anxious, but said I wasn't afraid of him physically, he was only concerned about that. Well, we shall see, how I get on won't we?

You never know, he is probably dreading it more than I am :)

He's such an arrogant fucker though, how am I not gonna punch him when he starts wittering on about fairness and equitable division, when his income is five times that of mine, I have no pension of my own, and will have responsibility for my sons welfare.

My ex I mean, not the mediator obvs, not gonna punch his lights out, it wouldn't look good,

Big hug to you Green my love, sorry you're not feeling too good at the moment, x

Green sorry you are struggling. Sometimes it all gets too much doesn't it. I had a very emotional departure from my babies today which left us all in tears (he wasn't there). I hate what he has done to our family and that he doesn't even care. I know it is bad but I want him to suffer for what he has done. The thought of him just getting away with it drives me mad.

Hobbit it is truly awful having to face them and hide your feelings of hate / anger. But it is better to appear calm and get things as sorted as possible and then go home and cry your eyes out / drink gin / smash one of his pint glasses. Don't give him the satisfaction of letting him know he is getting to you. I don't know why that is what they seem to want.

I really feel like calling his bluff and saying, fuck it, let's just split everything 50/50', you rent a bigger house with her and her son and have my son to live with you as well , and then you can support him financially and emotionally just like you would have done if we were still a family, and I'll go and live with my brother and will live without the worry of having the responsibility of having to provide for him as well as myself.

I would never do that of course, he would hate to have to live with them, but just to see the look on his face, to wipe off that smug, sanctimonious expression, for just a little while, it would be worth it.

My friends have said to try the "shaming" route, but I'm not sure he has the moral compass to feel shame or remorse, it hasn't worked so far, as per his offer of settlement. Maybe having to say it out loud infront of another man will make a difference, we can but try.

Hobbit - "maintenance precedent for Young adults with special needs" a friend of mine did this a couple of years ago - he now has Guardianship and does not receive any maintenance from his ex wife (never would as my friend earns far more than she). I do remember there were a lot of things that were talked about at the time though - I will ask, the lad in question was turning 18 during proceedings. I am pretty sure that it got into case law, will check.

I cried - sobbed, and then when I got home sobbed some more. A wee weep this morning and I am done for a while, of only because my eyes need ice not more flurries of weeping!

My stbx cries he is 'fair' in the same breath as saying he will not contribute to living expenses for 'adult' sons. One is def an adult although not independent as yet the other has ADHD and is no where near independent, my younger 'child' son is more mature! I don't know how he can contemplate chucking them for a new family. I just cant get my head round it. I do hope that the new child will be warned that he will have to be entirely independent from 18 - apparently that is fair (and legal) you know!

Mine too talks of his high set of morals and doing what is right!

Oh shitfuckdamn fuckitybollocks and the rest.

I am identifiable and I think watched by OW. I have nothing at all to hide and have decided to 'come out' so to speak but I will PM you when I talk to my friend Hobbit. He too would be identifiable as my friend in a very particular set of circumstances.

Okey dokey, Fuckit my love, thanks so much, there must be precedent, but can't seem to get anything up, and what does come up is in the states which has different laws to us. Nah, I don't give a fuck about identifying myself, neither of them have any idea about this forum anyway, I didn't myself until December, saw something about it in a magazine, thank Christ I did, it's been a shining beacon of support in a sea of shit.

Hi, Family sweetheart, nice to hear from you, KOKO babe, as we all have to do, x