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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Arguing again

449 replies

Freeflying · 12/02/2015 19:40

I posted a couple of nights ago because I was feeling anxious after my partner had been angry with me. It has escalated from there and I don't even know what to do now, I am feeling scared and tired and it was just too much this time. It's like history repeating itself I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years before this one and i don't think I can do this.
I don't know what to do. I don't even know why I'm posting this, but I feel so scared and alone

OP posts:
Thevirginmummy1 · 09/03/2015 15:55

Well done for telling the DV Officer about the calls. Now something can be done and they'll know you're taking positive action and they'll see how strong you are. Hopefully you'll feel better after speaking with the Social Worker. I know that's been stressing you out.

I think the counselling will be a good thing although you don't feel like you can face it at the moment. When you start it and it starts working you should start feeling better. Having said all that I still think you're doing brilliantly so please be proud of what you've achieved.

Xxx

bluejelly · 10/03/2015 19:41

What a weirdo to call you so many times! Glad you told the DV officer. Hopefully she'll have good advice. How was the social worker visit? Hope you're bearing up. We're all thinking of you. Xx

Thevirginmummy1 · 10/03/2015 21:42

As bluejelly said - thinking of you. How are you holding up?

Xxx

weedinthepool · 10/03/2015 22:12

How did it go with social care? Did they suggest any support they could put in place?

Hope you are ok. Take care x

Original poster
Freeflying · 12/03/2015 01:27

I'm not ok I'm sorry I really do appreciate all your messages I'm just not doing good

OP posts:
newpaddingtonscaresme · 12/03/2015 02:57

You don't have to be sorry to us, no one expects you to be doing good, you've been through and are still going through something horrific.
Take every hour or minute as it comes if you have to.
What's been happening in the last few days, have you been talking to social care?
If you can't sleep I find listening to boring podcasts or radio good to keep my mind occupied from the anxiety but not engaging enough to keep me up if I'm dozing off.
Seriously if your child is fed, safe, clean and knows she's loved, even if that's with your friend, you're doing an amazing job considering what you're going through.
Go easy and be nice to yourself, how would you be to a friend who was in the same situation?
None of this is your fault xx

Original poster
Freeflying · 12/03/2015 22:39

I want to talk I waant to tell you all on here what's going on but I can't get out of my mind is all blurry

OP posts:
lovespuds · 12/03/2015 23:07

Freeflying, are you ok?

tipsytrifle · 12/03/2015 23:16

Free - another one asking if you're ok. That you want to talk is an amazing step forward but don't worry if you're still clammed up. The meds don't help you communicate. Your anxiety and trauma complete the lock-down that you're experiencing.

Now that the nasty shit of a person is out of the way for a bit perhaps you can allow yourself to reach out a little more? No worries if you can't. We're still here, wishing you to be well and on the road to being happy.

Original poster
Freeflying · 13/03/2015 19:35

I want to drop the charges I really need this to be finished now

OP posts:
Thevirginmummy1 · 13/03/2015 21:48

What's making you want to drop it? Also if you did drop it do you think it would all go away? I know it's added stress but it sounds like you need the added support of the Police etc to make sure he stays away from you.

How have you got on with Social Care, counselling etc? Xxx

Original poster
Freeflying · 13/03/2015 22:37

The social worker is making a report and I am meeting my counsellor on Monday but I want to drop it because I'm tired and it would be lots easier if we were just together

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 13/03/2015 23:25

Can you make a list for us of reasons being together with him would make things 'easier' and reasons it would make things harder? You state that it would be easier, but I don't think it's possibly for you to really believe that. It doesn't sound like you're that much in denial.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 13/03/2015 23:25

*possible

Elizabethreallyismissing · 13/03/2015 23:28

Free please don't drop the charges, if you keep going for a while longer you can be free from him! Keep trying to put one foot in front of the other, small steps, one at a time! Imagine a life, you and your daughter living happily without fear!

Original poster
Freeflying · 13/03/2015 23:28

Because his family wouldn't be angry and I wouldn't be in the place I am now I am more able to look after my baby when I am with him and I don't know why but I know that's how it was

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 13/03/2015 23:40

Dear Free I need to catch up on all the latest but your last got me worried even more than usual.

You said: I am more able to look after my baby when I am with him and I don't know why but I know that's how it was

That is a false memory. That is NOT how it was. That is NOT how it will be if you get back with him.

I could paint you a picture of how it would be if you return to him but can't bear to type it. Yet. But your picture is all wrong, for sure.

I say this with love and respect for all that you have endured and been brave about.

tipsytrifle · 13/03/2015 23:48

Are you hoping that he will kill you and have done with it? I've been there, hoping that the next psycho who latched onto me would get me off the planet because I really didn't want to be alive for awhile. It didn't happen, despite the risks I took. So I had to swim through the pain I wanted to escape. These days I'm glad I made it to the other side.

Original poster
Freeflying · 14/03/2015 00:57

But now I am hardly able to look after my baby I look at her and she is so innocent and willing to love me and I feel nothing any more I just want her to be safe and when Im with him I can do that for her. Now I am just lost and I feel so spaced out. I don't care what he does to me but I want my baby to have a proper mum like I was when I was with him

OP posts:
Thevirginmummy1 · 14/03/2015 06:31

Your DD is not safe when he is there. Even if he never lays a finger on her she will be exposed to the abuse. I know it seems easier and it's not for any of us to tell you what to do but you really have to think carefully about what you're saying. Your daughter loves you unconditionally and looks to you for care and support. That's how good families are - they love and cherish each other not attack and intimidate.

I also think you're being a great Mum. I know it's hard but it will get easier.

Xxx

tipsytrifle · 14/03/2015 09:10

Free you are not thinking rationally at all. You have put two and two together and come up with 19.

There is NO correlation to your perception of being a better mother and being beaten and raped with your disgusting ex. Self-harm that could cost your life is off-kilter thinking too. Your perceptions are wrong.

You are forgetting the state of abject terror and paralysis you were in to start with. THIS is the matter you need help recovering from, so that you can continue to care for DD. Re-read your early posts, Free

This state of mind is the damage inflicted on you over the years plus your meds. You should probably have that talk with your GP about how spaced out they are making you.

If you put your DD back into an abusive situation you will not be being a good mother. You will not be making the right choices for her future health.

Your thinking processes are disturbed and you really really need some hands on help with getting through this and making yourself healthy again Flowers

Original poster
Freeflying · 15/03/2015 23:42

Thank u all x

OP posts:
Original poster
Freeflying · 15/03/2015 23:42

I am going to get. Proper help. I know it's important

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 15/03/2015 23:50

Oh bless you Free ... I know I'm a bit heavy handed with words at times but I hope you know it's because I care! I thank you that you have not taken offense at my sagittarian tone.

You are a brave and extremely amazing young woman Free Flowers

Original poster
Freeflying · 15/03/2015 23:51

No I needed it tipsy. It shocked me a bit into understanding what is going on a bit better. I thank you

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