And so, here were are, in which I finally get to submit the NEWS BLACKIN: the remaining narrative which had to be prematurely terminated in a most unbecoming of manner on the day of January 12th.
The matter of Evil Queen WWK v Mr Snowy Whitey resumed post lunch on a cold but dry January’s day. Of particular interest in the case were a
number of matters.
Firstly, why the fuck Mr Snowy Whitey could not spell his own name on Form E v.4?
Secondly, why the hell, Mr Snowy Whitey, could not put his signature on any of the legal documents, on the line below the ‘I declare this to be my statement of truth’?
Upon his arrival in the witness box: GG ordered MrSW to choose between ‘swearing or affirming’. I was quite surprised he has found God in the months he’s been away. Quite surprised.
But, despite his sudden divine inspiration, his current counsel, Ms CC, had him undertake this pledge verbally for every single fucking document he was submitting to court. This took around 20 minutes because MsCC did not have the court bundles in front of her due to an ‘administrative error’ by ‘shs’ and thereby forcing CC to rely on her ‘learned friend’, SHB, to find the different places in the court files for her, and to direct the GG accordingly.
Let’s just put that down to an act of God.
And then, finally, with the administration taken care of she began to lead him through his ‘evidence in chief’, which I now know, is the legaltastism for ‘friendly questioning’ to ensure one’s case is fairly and very fairly presented to the judge in order to present their client in the best possible light.
She began with the opening words...
“I’d like you to help us with the position here...”
I felt an immediate urge to put my hand up and fidget in an ‘I need a pee urgently manner’ declaring loudly: “me, I know, Miss, me, me, ask me, I know, really, I know the answer to this question, Miss, me, me, me...
But alas it is silence in the court!
Stupid court.
And what was doubly frustrating: MrSW never fucking shut up through most of my testimony
That’s not fair, I think, in a manner most petulant.
So I doodled shit instead on my legal pad.
I can’t draw as well as I write. Fact.
...”What exactly is happening with financial investment A?” enquired MsCC
Whereupon, MrSW decided to tell the fucking truth, which was “I’ve got rid of it”.
Now, you being nothing like me, might wonder whereupon it has gone.
But I was busy doodling so wasn’t really pondering uponwhere gone it. I was concentrating on my drawing like a good little WWK.
Transpires, CC didn’t give a shit either.
Next question. “Do you have a job?”
Yes. Then he bored the court to near death.
Sadly, he didn’t succeed. Fortunately he didn’t succeed. Depends on your perspective. My perspective means I’d make a shit court artist.
Thereupon, she asked him “Why did your marriage fail?”
By the time he’d finished, I was nigh on ready to apologise to all of the people for all of the ills of the world.
[World: I’m really, nearly very sorry – it’s all my fault that one day, you had a shit day. I am most definitely the person to blame – but I’m still too busy doing fancy artwork to apologise properly, although I did register the thought: guess his legal team haven’t told him not to sound vengeful and blamey]
But he finished his speech by justifying reckless and wanton expenditure during the marriage, which yours truly had had to calculate moons ago, by saying I drove him to it.
If I recall, I was a shit driver in those days. So shit, he decreed, I must never drive a car. But hey ho.
It was, he said, most emphatically, all my fault that he broke the marital vow to forsake all others time and time and time again.
With women who cost a lot more than my SM! And probably still do.
Thereupon, CC decided she too needed the loo – and sat down and said ‘nothing further sir’.
I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK????
That spoiled my court masterpiece. I was just contemplating colours too.
But what was pissing me off most at that moment in time was that CC had spent a grand total of 35 minutes with him sitting backside breaking in that fucking hideous “witness” box.
Whereas I had sat for over an hour and half giving my evidence in chief!
Seriously, you’d think it was me who’d done something so terrible in this marriage!
Oh, yeah. Let’s gloss over that thought and get back to doodling.
But, hang on, that 35 minutes, and that alone, struck me as the most unfair thing at that moment of time.
I needed, and still do, need justice to be fair. And seen to be fair. I needed to see that man in the witness box for a helluva lot longer than I was confined to it.
If only CC had enquired about his health...
...but I think it’s fair to say we’ve all had full and frank disclosure of that.
And with that, SHB, took it upon herself to ask a question or two.