“Now let’s turn to the matter of your spending habits” said SHB.
“They have not changed” he remarked with the same conviction as a small child pretending he can’t see by covering his eyes with his hands.
And somehow this escalated into, quite frankly, the most bizarre argument I have ever had the privilege of hearing. And no one was drunk in the making of this ridiculous row.
We were, after all, in a serious court of law. And for that reason, I can’t actually give you the full transcript but only the essence of a small part of it with quite a bit omitted for obvious reasons.
But first, I need you to know something about me: it’s a bit of an admission. I’m very sorry for the stealth boast: it is not my intention to make anyone feel bad or deprived, but I do need you to know something that may make you weep with envy for this story to make any sense.
I apologise in advance, but the fact of the matter is:
I own some pots and pans.
They are quite nice. None of them were bought in Poundstretcher’s (other budget shops are available) although I do have some bought in Asda (other supermarkets exist too) as well. I have, in my total collection of pots and pans: five frying pans, eight pots, two woks and some baking trays even though I don’t bake. Just over half of them, qualify as naice.
Fripperarious me!
They live in my kitchen. In a cupboard. I use them frequently. For cooking shit. They mingle: I do not discriminate between naice pans and not quite naice pans, merely using the one that is
a) washed or,
b) closest to hand and
c) suitable for my reasonable needs.
Right, having made that disclosure, or stealth boast, over to the court room:
SHB: Can you explain this expenditure in excess of £1,000 pounds?
Him: Yes. She has lovely pots and pans. I should have the same pots and pans. It’s only fair.
SHB: But you live in a serviced apartment?
Him: Yes, but it’s not mine.
SHB: Furnished with pots and pans? And crockery?
Him: Yes.
SHB: So why do you need to buy pots and pans?
Him: Because I’m going to start cooking more. It’s expensive to cook, it’s cheaper to eat out.
SHB: Not the way you ‘eat out’. Are you saying you’ve spent all that money on pots and pans but it’s cheaper to eat out?
Him: You don’t want to always eat out. Sometimes the food isn’t so nice.
SHB: You aren’t making any sense to me.
Him: I will need pots and pans when I move.
SHB: But you are not moving, you bought these some nine months before there was even a chance of you moving. You bought these pots and pans some seven months ago – why?
Him: Because they were on offer. And because I might lose my job.
SHB: Why might you lose your job?
Him: Well you never know what’s around the corner.
SHB: So you bought pots and pans, worth over £1000 pounds, in cash, you didn’t declare them on your Form E, you failed to explain this in the questionnaire just saying ‘payment in’, we asked about it on your schedule of deficiencies, you just said ‘payment out’. You provide no receipts for any expenditure and you didn’t need to spend quite so much on pots and pans within days of my client issuing her Form A (application for financial relief when I couldn’t pay the rent...and he suggested a fucking caravan...) when you already have pots and pans in your serviced apartment, and in fact, seemingly eat out every day of the week, in expensive restaurants, even though you claim to live ‘frugally’.
[You'd think my pots and pans were gold plated, wouldn't you? They aren't, I can assure you, or they'd be in the fucking escrow account – or at the very least disclosed in my Form E! In fact, they cost nothing, and I mean, nothing like the price he alleges he paid for ‘his’. They are nice pans though – even if I do say so myself. I like how they are functional, and not superfluous to requirements (well washing up is not always my strongest skill).
SHB: Turning now to your teaspoons. (Okay now I AM exaggerating...)
And with that GG decided it was high time to go and inspect his own pots and pans, and upped and left. Honestly, it was so rude and abrupt – anyone would think he ruled the place!
And ordered us to return in March.
And ordered some more disclosure.
Whereupon, set off us on a course of action that has got me today.
At round two.