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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is he lying???

435 replies

confusedmum74 · 09/02/2015 19:04

hi I've been a lurker on these boards for ages reading all the brilliant advice but never posted but here goes...
my boyf and I have been together about 2 yrs and although we don't live together we are now planning to move in together and hopefully have a family I was all up for this until fri night but now I'm confused....he went out with his friends fri night , called me before he left all love u etc etc and said he would keep in touch or let me know he got back ok....This didnt happen which I wasnt too bothered about but then we were meant to ve spending the day together sat ( as I had been really upset friday about something unrelated ) anyway I couldn't get hold of him at all sat sent msgs tried his phone LOTS which was off strangely as he's normally got it in his hand constantly...I was meant to be cooking dinner for us and it was all prepared...he finally rang at 8pm saying something along the lines of left his phone at a mates blah blah blah n then he would be over in a couple of hrs even tho id been waiting for him all day worried! He turned up at 10pm n refused to talk about it ie ive said I'm sorry can we forget about it now etc but its really bothered me.... Some things he said don't seem to make sense but he won't talk about it...either he's lying or just couldn't give a toss how I feel.....I know no one can say for definete he is/isnt lying just someone to talk to would be good as he won't discuss it and me over thinking it is poss making it worse....

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Original poster
confusedmum74 · 10/02/2015 00:29

so....I havent replied to the text he sent about everything's fine he loves me etc....I was planning on sending one in the morning saying something along the lines of.....I know u like to brush things under the carpet and I don't want to argue but in my head everything isnt fine...how u acted saturday has taken away some of the security I felt about us on friday and id like u to make an effort to get that back....( as hes made v.little effort since then but was before)
what do u ladies think? I'm crap at saying how I feel/ far too soft etc n he knows I'm a doormat that will just put up with the 'can we stop talking about this' as id rather that than argue....

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KristinaM · 10/02/2015 00:32

I think you should trust your instincts and don't put them down to being hormonal . You don't have to decide anything now,just don't move in with him . Think hard over the next few months about how he acts and how it makes you feel

Come back here and talk more about your relationship

Do your friends and family like him ?

KristinaM · 10/02/2015 00:34

Most people don't like arguing . But it's not ok to be a doormat . Think of your LO- how will she learn how women should be treated if you let him walk all over you ?

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 10/02/2015 00:35

my family really like him yeah...they said its really obvious how fond we are of each other the way we talk to each other and how affectionate we are.... I'm always that affectionate to him hes not... Think he was trying to impress the parents maybe? my friends like him but obv I moan to them about him and they don't know him very well so cant be like oh ur beong daft hes not that kinda bloke...

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Original poster
confusedmum74 · 10/02/2015 00:38

ive always been a bit of a doormat...even with friends and family...I assume hes not used to that as his ex was very fiery and used to go mad at him for anything ( still does ) I thought being with someone opposite hed really appreciate how calm I am but maybe its seen more as can do whatever I want n she wont say anything.... I'm hoping some of these things I'm speculating turn out not to be true else I will feel very foolish :(

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NeedABumChange · 10/02/2015 00:41

Gosh, if Every time I went on a night out I got LOTS of messages I think I'd turn my phone off too!
I'd understand if you lived together and he didn't come home but you don't. So he crashed and spent sat hungover. Someone tried to turn the phone on at midday but it must have died straight away as when you tried to call it was off again.

I think he is lying about leaving the phone at a mates, he was too hungover to charge it and doesn't want you to get funny about it.

If you have no other issues but this then I think you have serious trust issues to suddenly be questioning a two year relationship over him being out of contact for, what, 24 hours?

KristinaM · 10/02/2015 00:43

You don't need to feel foolish,no one here knows you in RL, you can say anything

You need to be very careful about moving in with someone when you have a LO, it's a big decision . There's things you might put up with with a BF, but will drive you crazy if you are living together . Like the disappearing act.

If I was supposed to be meeting someone for the day and my phone went flat, I woudl borrow a phone to call them and cancel, just not turn up . And then act like their feelings don't count

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 10/02/2015 00:48

@kristina... Thank you for grasping what has upset me the fact that if he wanted to he could have somehow made contact before 8pm when o had been sitting waiting for him all day and even when he did make contact to show a bit of understanding that id been sidelined all day for a hangover or whatever when we were meant to be spending the day together for myi birthday....I appreciate u chatting to me :)

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Original poster
confusedmum74 · 10/02/2015 00:52

@Needabumchange...maybe u need to go back and read the thread as what u have said about sending him lots of msgs while he was out I didn't say at all???? but thanks for kicking someone when they are down anyway!

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lostintheduvet · 10/02/2015 00:53

When I read people telling others to 'stop reading so much into this' or 'stop being so sensitive' after they have behaved badly, it makes me enraged. It's gaslighting par excellence.

The only time I had this experience was when my exbf was indeed shagging some ow that night which all came to light later on and was a train wreck.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 10/02/2015 00:56

@lostintheduvet.... I'm going to google this gaslighting as I've heard the term before n no doubt have seen it in action before too!

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lostintheduvet · 10/02/2015 00:58

Yes, do it. My stbxh used to do it all the time. 'stop making drama', 'don't cause an argument' every time I confronted him.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 10/02/2015 01:03

I've just read some of it...I think he does this to some extent as in a complete shut off to talking about anything hes done that's upset me or minimising it so much that I feel I'm really oversensitive...I thought maybe that was just a blokey thing not wanting to have these conversations esp if they know they r actually in the wrong

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BathtimeFunkster · 10/02/2015 08:24

I thought maybe that was just a blokey thing not wanting to have these conversations esp if they know they r actually in the wrong

It's a Shit Blokey thing wanting to treat someone like shit on purpose and then refuse to talk about it.

And that's what you've got here, a shit bloke.

He stood you up for about 10 hours, but he thinks he's the one who gets to decide that "it's fine".

The problem with being a doormat is that you stand for nothing. You need someone incredibly kind and decent not to start treating you with the value you place on yourself, ie zero.

And this man is neither kind nor decent. He's a pretty much standard issue shite.

He puts on a big act in front of other people, but doesn't treat you well the rest of the time.

You'be been dating for only two years, and despite already having to get over a "rough patch" (unsurprisingly caused by him treating you like shit) you are planning to shack up with him and get pregnant.

Please value yourself more highly than this prick's baby mama.

He will treat you far worse when he has you barefoot and pregnant.

And also, seriously, the world could do without this wanker's genes being reproduced. He's just a shit person.

KristinaM · 10/02/2015 09:25

LOL at bathtime ! And I was worried I was being too blunt Grin

BuzzardBird · 10/02/2015 09:42

Confused, there is no-one here that would put up with his behaviour (apart from those whose didn't RTFT). If it was innocent (hangover, couldn't be arsed to talk or turn up) then he could have told you that surely? An apology with the truth and you giving him hell so that he doesn't let you down again would have meant this thread never happened.

If he gets away with this behaviour then you are giving him the green light to do the same again or worse.

We can't make him behave himself.

DinosaursStillExist · 10/02/2015 10:17

confused I'm sorry to interject here but I'd like to say something from my past experience here. a long while and different partner ago I was the one in the wrong. I drunkenly cheated on my then partner and when I woke the following morning, still quite drunk and definitely well on the way to hungover I felt awfully shit and so desperately full of guilt. I turned my phone off ignoring the texts I had, and didn't even bother to get in touch until quite late on in the day as I was feeling too delicate and didn't want to face the awful thing I'd done. I said and did the EXACT same things your partner has done here. I can't say something has happened here for certain but I can say that to me I definitely recognise everything he's said and done.

If it matters I didn't own up to what I'd done as I was too immature and didn't want to admit out loud that I was the cunt in the relationship. I just made up crap excuses and ended the relationship. (I have since manned up and apologised to that ex but it doesn't change how nasty I'd been in so many ways). Please take the first step and don't be made to feel shit for someone else's mistakes Thanks

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 10/02/2015 12:38

@dinosaurs....I guess u may be right although when he did finally ring he was all chirpy like nothing had happened n when he turned up he was fine apart from a hangover....I was the one being funby with him which annoys him

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Original poster
confusedmum74 · 10/02/2015 17:22

feel so gutted ive tried to talk to him I keep getting upset n now hes just being really funny with me coz I'm annoying him being emotional and 'reading too much into things' apparently :(

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Cantbelievethisishappening · 10/02/2015 18:12

It sounds like you don't trust him regardless of this 'incident'.
You were planning on moving in and starting a family but now you are doubting this based on him being uncontactable after a night out. That sounds like a rather extreme reaction IMO.
Do you have residual trust issues where he is concerned? Have past r'ship trust issues come back to bite?

Joysmum · 10/02/2015 18:18

You're annoying him because you're being open and honest about your feelings. Not much of a relationship if he knows you're worried and doesn't care enough to help you through.

BathtimeFunkster · 10/02/2015 18:20

Deciding not to move in with someone who goes AWOL for an entire day when you had plans is very sensible and not at all an overreaction.

Meerka · 10/02/2015 18:32

Of course he's being funny with you. You're calling him on his bullshit. He doesn't like it. Funny that.

Hope you can value yourself more highly than he values you, and look for someone who doesn't treat you like a doormat.

Duckdeamon · 10/02/2015 18:49

Don't move in with him and don't get pregnant! If you want to continue then relationship, observe how he is and how you feel for a good while first.

Even setting aside the recent standing you up, the relationship sounds quite up and down, and that this might be due to him not always treating you well, but sometimes being nice. The fact that he treated you badly due to "stress" doesn't bode well, there is lots of stress in life and patenting/step-parenting!

Duckdeamon · 10/02/2015 18:51

I too had an ex many moons ago who did this not calling/turning up thing then in various ways encouraging me to STFU, long after we broke up found out that at least some of the times he was shagging an ex girlfriend.

And another who did similar but as far as I know wasn't being unfaithful, just a bit of a dick!