is he lying???

[confusedmum74]

hi I've been a lurker on these boards for ages reading all the brilliant advice but never posted but here goes...
my boyf and I have been together about 2 yrs and although we don't live together we are now planning to move in together and hopefully have a family I was all up for this until fri night but now I'm confused....he went out with his friends fri night , called me before he left all love u etc etc and said he would keep in touch or let me know he got back ok....This didnt happen which I wasnt too bothered about but then we were meant to ve spending the day together sat ( as I had been really upset friday about something unrelated ) anyway I couldn't get hold of him at all sat sent msgs tried his phone LOTS which was off strangely as he's normally got it in his hand constantly...I was meant to be cooking dinner for us and it was all prepared...he finally rang at 8pm saying something along the lines of left his phone at a mates blah blah blah n then he would be over in a couple of hrs even tho id been waiting for him all day worried! He turned up at 10pm n refused to talk about it ie ive said I'm sorry can we forget about it now etc but its really bothered me.... Some things he said don't seem to make sense but he won't talk about it...either he's lying or just couldn't give a toss how I feel.....I know no one can say for definete he is/isnt lying just someone to talk to would be good as he won't discuss it and me over thinking it is poss making it worse....

confused I feel desperately sorry for you. You're working far, far too hard for this guy's attention and affections. This is not a healthy, equal relationship, it really isn't. Good relationships really don't need this herculean effort to prop them up.
You can't change him. You can only change yourself, to mould yourself to his requirements which is that you treat him like a king while he treats you like shit. Do you want to live your life like that?
Get rid of him. The sooner you do, the sooner you free yourself.

Warning him isn't going to help you.

It's just going to show him that he can treat you badly for a while longer because you don't have the strength to end it yet. He knows that you would, if you could. He's giving you nothing to cling on to.

If you're already crying every night about this, you'd almost certainly be better off ending it, so that at least the crying will end when you start to heal.

I know ur all right....I wish I had some friends in RL to talk to anyone to chat to on the phone n explain the situation and ask for advice...just to hear anyone else voice rather than him shouting at me would make a huge difference....thats not to say I don't appreciate the support on here this site is the only thing thats keeping me going atm when I feel at rock bottom and the person whos really supposed to care doesnt! x

You'll find it easier once you have that annoying voice out of your ear :)

Could you join any clubs or something, to meet new people? It's amazing what getting out there can do for you. Have you got any hobbies? Or something you've always wanted to have a go at?

I'm building myself up to go to this evening class. It's only once a month, but I know I'd love it. I keep putting it off though.

I'll go if you do!

Jesus, you're completely isolated aren't you?

Right you can do this. You deserve to be loved. And you deserve to get your confidence back and you deserve a wonderful, wonderful life.

What are your interests? What do you enjoy? If you want to chill out, what do you do?

You have had your confidence completely, utterly and systematically destroyed. Perhaps that's one reason why you've put up with this shit for so long - perhaps you don't feel that you deserve more? (You do, btw - just so that you know!)

Tell us a bit about yourself - I'm sure someone can come up with suggestions to get you mixing with more people x

How are you doing today OP?

just to hear anyone else voice rather than him shouting at me would make a huge difference...

That is two different problems. They can be solved independently of each other.

1. Get rid of shouty man.
2. Get nice people in your life.

hi ladies...thank u for your replies ... I did alot of thinking last night had the worst headache of my life and really frightened me ( I told him this ) and he did his usual ... ur a tough cookie ull be ok .... made me realise that I really do have no one if I needed him really needed him he wouldn't be there even tho if hes ill he stays here and I wait on him hand and foot....I sent him a really frank/nasty msg last night about how he makes me feel etc...he didnt read it till this morning but have had a couple of msgs back saying how u feeling and sorry I fell asleep/ love u call u later etc....I havent replied.....x

he did call...I didnt answer n he text to say he was calling to talk to me about taking me away somewhere next weekend n wanted to see if I could get a babysitter....I'm still not replying its all bollocks x

Sounds like he is being nice as he sees you are pissed off, but taking you away for the weekend isn't realistic when you don't have the option of free childcare, DH and I both have good jobs but never go away alone for weekends because it's £££! And we need to save favours for any emergencies, eg last year DH's sibling was ill so we helped with their DC. So he is deliberately setting you up to fail: "I was planning something nice for you but you've been a moody cow / can't organise childcare so you've ruined it" so he can justify being an arse again. Manipulative.

Sorry about your headache. No, sadly you couldn't rely on him in an emergency.

Even if the relationship was amazing it's still best to try to see friends too, and with him being an arse you need friends even more.

And whatever you do don't have him stay at yours again when he's ill expecting to be waited on! He hasn't and wouldn't do the same for you, and you risk you or DD catching his viruses.

it's clear that the riskiest, yuckiest virus around your way is him!

You could say to him "Actually I've planned to go out with my friend, could you babysit?"

So proud of you confused

God it's dragging on for you, you must be drained with it all

You have been really strong and we can see how difficult this is for you, I think you would feel a lot better if you had some rl support and I think this is what you need to work on

It's daunting but you are strong and you can do this

How are you confused? x

Hope you had a successful and rewarding weekend Confused. Did you manage to get out and do anything with DD?

OP, I think I must have been having trouble keeping up with the thread.
Can you clarify, when did you actually last see him? If it's as long ago as I think it was, then what's the point of the relationship? It seems like you have more of a text relationship with him than a real relationship.
I should add, I'm older and probably a bit old fashioned, but it seems like important discussions about your relationship take place by text message with the odd phone call in between.

hi ladies sorry its been so long I broke my phone and have had to have a crappy pay as u go non internet one till it was fixed but I'm back now!
I saw him briefly at the weekend for a "chat" I layed all my cards on the table and told him I feel unloved, unattractive and like something has changed the past few weeks....tbh It didnt really get me anywhere he said pls stop reading too much into everything and that everything was fine and was like come here for a cuddle ( which I didnt ) and asked if it was ok for him to have a beer n stay over to which I said no that id only wanted to talk but he wasnt listening x

Well done you!

So you told him what you needed and he responded with "nah! You don't need that, it's all fine". He has now told you he's not going to even try.

Are you ready to leave him now? You've been so strong. He isn't going to be who you thought he was

Hi confused. I'll start off by saying I'm a bloke so haven't had the misfortune to have to deal with a loser like your 'OH' (although I know some blokes end up in the same situation)

I just wanted to say that not all blokes are like this. Most of us care about our partners, put them first and actually realise they are human beings first and women second, if that makes sense. I would tear my eyes out before treating any person, male or female, like you are being treated (but then I like to think I'm a decent person). He is making you suffer every which way he can. And as others have said, he is preying on your vulnerability. He doesn't care when you're not well, stressed, broken-hearted. He'll say 'chin up' and move onto to something suiting him.

I'll be blunt, but not rude, and say that you don't need him at all in any way, shape or form. He makes your daughter laugh? i could do that just by looking at her He's a shithead of the lowest order and whether or not anything happened on 'that' night you are not happy about it but he won't discuss it.

I spent too, too many years in a loveless marriage and finally left it. Even though there is no-one in my life at the moment I can still live my life how I want, not how someone else tells me to live it.

Maybe you do need sometime alone with your daughter. It may be painful to begin with, the loneliness, but believe me it gets much, much better. Your daughter won't thank you for struggling to keep this non-relationship alive and what are you teaching her? Bend over and take it if it means having a partner, even though the partner is worse than not having one?

You become a happier person and you'll attract a better type of man, one who isn't out to abuse you.

Crikey, sorry for the rant. I wish you luck

Great advice bodytransplant. So refreshing to hear.