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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is he lying???

435 replies

confusedmum74 · 09/02/2015 19:04

hi I've been a lurker on these boards for ages reading all the brilliant advice but never posted but here goes...
my boyf and I have been together about 2 yrs and although we don't live together we are now planning to move in together and hopefully have a family I was all up for this until fri night but now I'm confused....he went out with his friends fri night , called me before he left all love u etc etc and said he would keep in touch or let me know he got back ok....This didnt happen which I wasnt too bothered about but then we were meant to ve spending the day together sat ( as I had been really upset friday about something unrelated ) anyway I couldn't get hold of him at all sat sent msgs tried his phone LOTS which was off strangely as he's normally got it in his hand constantly...I was meant to be cooking dinner for us and it was all prepared...he finally rang at 8pm saying something along the lines of left his phone at a mates blah blah blah n then he would be over in a couple of hrs even tho id been waiting for him all day worried! He turned up at 10pm n refused to talk about it ie ive said I'm sorry can we forget about it now etc but its really bothered me.... Some things he said don't seem to make sense but he won't talk about it...either he's lying or just couldn't give a toss how I feel.....I know no one can say for definete he is/isnt lying just someone to talk to would be good as he won't discuss it and me over thinking it is poss making it worse....

OP posts:
bettyboop1970 · 12/02/2015 11:21

Crickey op, I agree with other posters, this dick is taking you for a massive ride.
You are worth so much more, ditch the dick.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 12/02/2015 11:29

@dpotter... Thank you....I want things to change I don't want to finish it but I don't know how to....

he didn't say I had to make his lunch or give him money for it...when he stays at mine I usually make his sandwiches for lunch when I'm making mine but this morning as I was late I offered him some money as he was stressed he had forgot his bankcard so couldnt buy anything and potentially wouldn't eat/have a drink until midnight...

OP posts:
GinSoakedBitchyPony · 12/02/2015 11:29

OP, how you've described last night and this morning is awful (so is the rest but let's focus on the last 24 hours for now).
Most couples when they move in together find it rather challenging. Believe me, if it's so shit now, when you move in it will carry on like this, or more likely get worse.
Is this behaviour his norm? Has he been pretty much like this for the last 2 years, or has this started recently? If it's been ongoing why are you putting up with it?

He's a twunt, he's taking the piss, get out NOW.

daiseehope · 12/02/2015 11:53

Hi confused xxx Just been reading your thread and it strikes me that the 2 year mark has been hit. I read something once that talked about most likely times for a relationship to go off, and I don't usually take much notice but it matched with my experiences. 2 yrs was one of the times, being a time when you either established or split. Apparently a lot of people have trouble which can lead to flings as they can't cope with settling down etc. I'm not saying he has had a fling but do you think he's freaking out about moving in together? I reallly wouldn't bother yet. Let him sort himself. If you're that bothered about him he ll be back and possibly more grown up then. Cool off with him and then you'll see if he's really worth it, or up to anything he shouldn't be. Xxx

ElsieMc · 12/02/2015 11:58

Confused - you have posted on here for advice and have received it along with support. The problem is that you want to continue in the relationship - which is your right - and dont really want any advice to the contrary.

People are only doormats because they allow people to treat them in this way, nobody makes them.

Sorry, but he is a horrible user, a man child who thinks only of himself. It seems that if he has something better on the go, then you are ditched. He only bothers turning up late in the evening so he can pig out on the meal you have kindly provided and prepared at your expense and your time. You wait whilst he decides whether to grace you with his presence and are facilitating his behaviour.

Sorry to be so very blunt. You are worth more than this and so is your child who you will be distracted from whilst dealing with and stressing over this man child. You deserve more but the ball is in your court.

daiseehope · 12/02/2015 12:08

I agree with above. Trust me, I am living what will happen to you if you don't look at the warning signs now. I could post, like you, and every sane woman would tell me to leave! Don't be a fool like me, please x.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 12/02/2015 12:12

thank u for your replies...I didnt mean to annoy anyone or sound ungrateful of good advice by saying i dont feel ready to finish it outright this minute...I do know how hes acting is wrong tho...

OP posts:
pompodd · 12/02/2015 12:21

OP, I'm a man and think this guy is playing you for a mug and you deserve a hell of a lot better.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? Do you somehow think that the sort of shit this guy serves up to you is all you are worth in some way?

No decent boyfriend would behave in the way that he is. I hope you find the strength to ditch him soon.

AnyFucker · 12/02/2015 12:34

Don't stop posting love

you will sort this in your own time

you know it isn't right

don't leave it too long though, your dd is learning that men say jump and women say how high while you tolerate this shit

ptumbi · 12/02/2015 12:46

He phoned to say he's cranky cos he stopped smoking yesterday? Then he bums fags off you (and money - and it seems to be your fault he needs money as he forgot his card??!!?) for today...
He's really reliable... Hmm

You deserve better, even if that is being by yourself, with your dd. I can imagine that is sooo much better than trying to second-guess/appease/feed/support your 'friend'.

Christinayang1 · 12/02/2015 12:57

Could you distance yourself for a week or even a weekend...give yourself a bit Of headspace?

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 12/02/2015 13:08

thank u...I gave him fags this morning as this stop smoking thing is just a farce n he was in a much better mood last night after he had one than when he arrived! I am going to try and distance myself and see if he misses me and the constant affection and care he gets...
I do appreciate u all talking to me I only have a couple of friends where I live my family are all the other end pf the country and my mum the one wjo lives near i am nc with due to her emotional abuse so I dont really have anyone to talk to / bounce ideas/feelings off...

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 12/02/2015 13:12

Spend a bit of time with your dd and try and put him out of your head....sometimes you need away from a situation to see it clearer, give yourself a break and if he can't be kind then you do something nice for yourself this weekend

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 12/02/2015 13:23

yeah I will....hes meant to be staying over sat night I guess I'm cooking again! will see how things go before that....

OP posts:
babbityann · 12/02/2015 13:37

I am confused as to what want to gain by posting your account of your relationship. I have read the thread and it appears that your boyfriend is using you for meals and fags. So, do you want help and advice with splitting up ? Or simply want to continue with the relationship while having a moan on here about it?
Do you have anyone to confide in in RL?

rustyrailings · 12/02/2015 13:43

OP, please don't cook on Valentine's day. Up your expectations PLEASE.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 12/02/2015 13:48

@babbityann....I have read many threads on here in the time ive been on mn and just thought id ask for peoples take on what was happening...like ive said I don't really have many people in RL....
I realise I haven't straight off the bat took everyone's advice and dumped him but in my defence I didn't realise the rules on here were follow advice or shut up moaning like u seem to be suggesting....
Thank you to all the posters who have tried to help me decipher his behaviour which was the point of me posting NOT to moan...I appreciate it ..

OP posts:
GinSoakedBitchyPony · 12/02/2015 13:48

Cooking twice a week for a boyfriend, including V Day? Fuck that!

How many other nights do you cook for him ?

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 12/02/2015 13:55

We take it in turns normally...it was my turn last night so should be hos turn sat really x

OP posts:
GinSoakedBitchyPony · 12/02/2015 13:56

OP, of course you don't have to 'straight off the bat' LTB, but I think some posters are getting frustrated because it wasn't clear what your reason was for posting.
And you said you'd read here loads of times, so you will be fully aware that when someone's being treated like shit, lots of people here will say LTB.

I completely understand that you want time to think things through but you're not replying to questions that people are asking. Questions that are intended to make you think about things a bit more clearly, and to give those who are reading this a better insight into your relationship with him.

BTW - Deciphering his behaviour is easy to us on the outside - he's a twunt who's taking the piss. It's entirely up to you how long you decide to let him continue.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 12/02/2015 13:57

So you take it in turns to cook for each other every night? At each other's houses?

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 12/02/2015 13:57

and he stays over a couple of nights a week normally...I don't often stay at his but this is due to having my daughter and struggling for a babysitter atm...

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 12/02/2015 16:06

While you're considering your future, how about not cooking for him or "spoiling him" as often and especially not when its unclear whether he will turn up at a reasonable hour and be nice to you!

There is no way I would be cooking for someone the same evening they lectured me about my diet!

When was the last time he cooked (or paid for) a meal for you? Does he chip in for ingredients or bring some round? Bet he doesn't.

It is NOT your job to wake him up in the morning, plan or make him meals (which he then complains are unhealthy!), packed lunches or lend (give?) him money when he forgets his wallet. Or give him cigarettes. You have a child to look after as it is and don't need to be running after a moody man child.

Bet he didn't forget his cash or bank card when out on his boozy all nighter! He could have borrowed cash from colleagues or at least been appreciative of your helping him and paid you back promptly.

babbityann · 12/02/2015 16:08

I certainly didn't advise you to LTB! Nor have I asked you to stop moaning, I asked if you want to stay in your relationship and just have a moan about it (as many people do). I wanted to know what you wanted to gain from posting. Some clarity on your situation? Well, it looks like you're being used by this man but you are allowing yourself to be treated like this. Only you can change it. Good luck!

Duckdeamon · 12/02/2015 16:09

Had he actually intended giving up smoking and forgotten his card or just out of cash after overspending on his night out and keen for you to subsidise him? (And on criticising you and implying you are fussing and / or some kind of bad influence on his lifestyle, thus putting you in your place). Nasty.

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