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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is he lying???

435 replies

confusedmum74 · 09/02/2015 19:04

hi I've been a lurker on these boards for ages reading all the brilliant advice but never posted but here goes...
my boyf and I have been together about 2 yrs and although we don't live together we are now planning to move in together and hopefully have a family I was all up for this until fri night but now I'm confused....he went out with his friends fri night , called me before he left all love u etc etc and said he would keep in touch or let me know he got back ok....This didnt happen which I wasnt too bothered about but then we were meant to ve spending the day together sat ( as I had been really upset friday about something unrelated ) anyway I couldn't get hold of him at all sat sent msgs tried his phone LOTS which was off strangely as he's normally got it in his hand constantly...I was meant to be cooking dinner for us and it was all prepared...he finally rang at 8pm saying something along the lines of left his phone at a mates blah blah blah n then he would be over in a couple of hrs even tho id been waiting for him all day worried! He turned up at 10pm n refused to talk about it ie ive said I'm sorry can we forget about it now etc but its really bothered me.... Some things he said don't seem to make sense but he won't talk about it...either he's lying or just couldn't give a toss how I feel.....I know no one can say for definete he is/isnt lying just someone to talk to would be good as he won't discuss it and me over thinking it is poss making it worse....

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 18/02/2015 17:08

Well arrange it in advance. Get them to put it on the calendar. Something to look forward to. x

magoria · 18/02/2015 17:09

You gave him back the control.

You ignored, ignored, ignored. So he rang, text and chased.

As soon as you responded he could stop and not worry because he had you back calling him.

It sounds like he doesn't want you.

He just wants you to want him and be there at his beck and 7am for work call.

BuzzardBird · 18/02/2015 17:31

Ah, it's like trying to tear a plaster off when you don't really want to see what is underneath isn't it?

The thing is, it will hurt but I promise you it will be better when you've done it.

You possibly need to make some more (preferably single) friends to start exploring your brand new social life with.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 18/02/2015 18:28

thank you and yeah it does seem like that...havent heard anything so far today... x

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 18/02/2015 19:27

Back to his game playing then? He will see how long it takes you to get in touch.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 18/02/2015 21:41

I havent got in touch....he txt earlier saying I love u baby ill call u later...I havent replied n wont answer xx

OP posts:
DinosaursStillExist · 18/02/2015 23:42

you're doing so well at being strong and not letting him take control of you Smile

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 18/02/2015 23:55

thank u that means alot as I feel like I'm doing awful as its so hard

OP posts:
JenniferGovernment · 19/02/2015 07:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JenniferGovernment · 19/02/2015 07:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ohfourfoxache · 19/02/2015 07:30

You're not doing awful, you're doing ace. You sound really strong and you're not contacting him. It is hard - but you're doing it! X

AnyFucker · 19/02/2015 09:18

whoa Jennifer, that's a very evocative description

sounds like you speak from experience Sad

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 19/02/2015 11:05

Jennifer that is an excellent description. Very apt :(

And it kind of explains why we then walk straight from one prison into another sometimes. Maybe a slightly better prison, slightly bigger, a bit less dank, but still a prison nonetheless.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 19/02/2015 14:07

wow jennifer the way u described our conversations is exactly right I'm always "going on" apparently whereas I think he does 99% of the talking and I can't get a word in edgeways x

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 19/02/2015 23:21

Jennifer is spot on, think on it confused mum.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 20/02/2015 15:54

pls someone help me have the strength to tell him how I really feel and that if things dont change 100% then he wont see me again....I dont know how I expect u to help I'm sorry I'm just so weak n upset xx

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/02/2015 16:03

Confused :( I'm so sorry you're hurting. I wish there was a magic thing I could say to magic him in to being the man you deserve.

Many years ago I posted similar. I asked how I could explain things to make him understand. It took me a really long time to accept that he did understand, he just didn't want to hear it.

I know that desperate feeling of, "if I can just get through to him what I need we can make this work". It hurts. A lot.

If he can understand English and you've said the words, then if he's not doing what you need it's because he doesn't want to.

It's only when I stopped listening to what my XH was saying, and started looking at his actions, that I saw the truth.

You are not weak! You're ground down. You're so much stronger than you know.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 20/02/2015 16:28

Thank u but I'm sure I am weak I feel desperate to make him understand how bad things are for me atm in this relationship...he says things are fine and so would I if I was him as hes got it sweet and I think half the problem is that he just thinks I'm moaning and id never go as far as ending it....I need him to see I will if things dont change massively x

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/02/2015 16:35

You're not weak, you're just trapped trying to make a relationship work all on your own. Trust me it is the most exhausting, soul destroying thing in the world.

If you say "I'm sad" and he says, "I'm not, I'm fine" then doesn't that tell you that he has no intention of changing to make you happy?

If he doesn't believe you'd end it, why not end it? He doesn't have to agree with your reasons. He's not the person you thought he was :( he's not the person you deserve :(

He's making you so sad. Relationships should make you happy Flowers

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 20/02/2015 16:53

I wanna make him believe that ill end it if he doesnt stop this in the hope that he will stop...if that makes sense? ive never gone that far before to say that and think he acts like this coz he thinks ill always put up with it as I love him....
ur right it's totally soul destroying ive never felt so worthless....another night of sat alone on the sofa crying all night to look forward to....I appreciate u talking to me x

OP posts:
magoria · 20/02/2015 16:58

He knows. He doesn't care enough to change.

He may buck up his ideas for a brief period to get you back in your box. As soon as things have settled he will go back.

Don't make him think you will end it.

End it.

If he sorts himself you can get back together.

I bet he will blame you and act all hurt before whistling off into the sunset leaving you broken hearted and feeling guilty.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/02/2015 16:58

No problem :) MN was always there for me when I was having a hard time.

Ok, here's the tough question, will you leave him if he doesn't change? And how long will you wait to see if he changes or not?

In some ways it's easier if you have a time scale in mind.

So what do you want from him?

can you put it into words?

If you have an idea of what you want, you can then say "I need you to do this. If you haven't started doing it in 1 week it is over."

And then you end it at 1 week and he's had his chance. Of course if he does it for one week and then stops for week two, you end it then. Going back to how things are now is an automatic "over".

Do you think you could end it if he proves he won't do it?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/02/2015 17:00

Basically if you tell him what you want and that you'll end it if he doesn't do it, and then he does it and you don't end it, he will walk all over you forever.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 20/02/2015 17:05

I want to say....this is too much uve took away any shred of confidence or self worth I had and all ive done is love u so much and spoil u rotten....I dont know why u think I dont deserve any love back but ur actions show that this is the case....if this doesnt change massively and our relationship be equalled out and very soon I will walk away however hard that is as I think u have made ur point loud and clear that u dont care so I feel stupid for sticking around even this long x

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/02/2015 17:11

Oh love :( that's so very sad. I'm sorry he makes you feel so unloved.

Do you think you could break it down into something a bit clearer.

What I mean is, if you say "I need you to show me you love me more" and you get to the end of the week and you say, "you didn't do anything!" And he says, "I did! I told you I loved you once" then he will talk you round into thinking that he has tried when he hasn't.

Are there any specific things? Like "I need you to show you care for me by asking me about my day and listening to the answer!" So then if he doesn't do it he can't say he has IYSWIM.

What you're asking for is the bare minimum of what a relationship should be BTW. You're not asking for much :(