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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is he lying???

435 replies

confusedmum74 · 09/02/2015 19:04

hi I've been a lurker on these boards for ages reading all the brilliant advice but never posted but here goes...
my boyf and I have been together about 2 yrs and although we don't live together we are now planning to move in together and hopefully have a family I was all up for this until fri night but now I'm confused....he went out with his friends fri night , called me before he left all love u etc etc and said he would keep in touch or let me know he got back ok....This didnt happen which I wasnt too bothered about but then we were meant to ve spending the day together sat ( as I had been really upset friday about something unrelated ) anyway I couldn't get hold of him at all sat sent msgs tried his phone LOTS which was off strangely as he's normally got it in his hand constantly...I was meant to be cooking dinner for us and it was all prepared...he finally rang at 8pm saying something along the lines of left his phone at a mates blah blah blah n then he would be over in a couple of hrs even tho id been waiting for him all day worried! He turned up at 10pm n refused to talk about it ie ive said I'm sorry can we forget about it now etc but its really bothered me.... Some things he said don't seem to make sense but he won't talk about it...either he's lying or just couldn't give a toss how I feel.....I know no one can say for definete he is/isnt lying just someone to talk to would be good as he won't discuss it and me over thinking it is poss making it worse....

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 17/02/2015 07:06

Oh confused, again, this is so like my relationship a few years ago and he's just like my ex. Made me feel so insecure and needy (he said I was). This really surprised me as I'd never been like that with anyone else. I felt it was me just wanting plain attention. He finished it. I was heartbroken for 3 weeks then I came to realise what a tosser he was. At the time my close friends were saying it will get easier but I couldn't see it.
This was 2 years ago. I'm the most settled I've ever been in my life, very comfortable on my own.
Yours sounds very similar, can he be bothered? Does he just want the easy parts of the relationship without the issues that arise? I also left my husband/father of my children after endless let downs over years which was very tough. What I'm saying is do you really want to settle down with someone like this, you could be saving yourself a lot of heartache in the long run.
It's really hard, I know, we all want you to be happy. Flowers Grin x

Ohfourfoxache · 17/02/2015 09:38

Sweetheart, look at the number of people on here who have said that you are too good for him.

Think about that for a minute.

Do you really think that a bunch of random people on t'internet would sit here and blow sunshine up your arse for the sake of it? If we didn't mean it, we wouldn't say it.

But here's the hard part. Now you need to believe it.

So, he's desperate to speak to you, yet he wants to finish watching his bloody tv programme before he does? What fucking planet is this guy on? What an utter dickhead!

DinosaursStillExist · 17/02/2015 13:31

ohfour says it so well too. how are you feeling today confused?

nipersvest · 17/02/2015 14:34

he is gaslighting you by making out all this is your problem, not his. keep in mind cause and effect. the way he has behaved has caused you to feel this way, keep throwing the ball back to him. if he wants you to just shut up about it, then he needs to provide a better explanation for his behaviour.

pocketsaviour · 17/02/2015 15:01

I'm scared he wont care even if I did that ( is that stupid?? )

No, it's not stupid. It's always hurtful to have someone act like they don't care and you mean nothing to them.

However, staying in the relationship won't make you mean something to them.

I honestly get the feeling that this guy is behaving increasingly badly to you because he wants you to break up with him, and he's too much of a coward to say it. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I have seen this type of thing a few times (and experienced it once myself.) Flowers

TokenGinger · 17/02/2015 15:05

I've only just caught up with this. It makes me so sad that he needed to speak to you, you called and he said he'd call you later.

I really hope you're able to see that that's his way of trying to regain control of you and the situation. You've been in control. He's begging. You're a human being so you listen. Then he thinks, "Sweet, I'll have control here".

You didn't do wrong in responding. Don't curse yourself for it. But praise yourself for telling him not to bother (if you did), as that means you kept hold of the control.

You're doing great xx

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 17/02/2015 16:24

I did tell him dont bother but he kept calling so in the end I answered n he was saying y do I always make mountains out of molehills/overreact isnt he allowed to watch a tv programme etc etc x

OP posts:
SoleSource · 17/02/2015 16:31

All about him, isn't it?

Tedious man.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 17/02/2015 16:37

I have said to him does he notice when I'm trying to say I'm upset he always says dont worry im fine babe....I have started going now I didnt ask if u were ok I'm talking about me for once! had a good day out with my daughter today but im back home now to another LONG night of sitting stressing about this feeling sad and lonely.....starting to really hate my life :( sorry for moaning I know there are people alot worse off than me...x

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 17/02/2015 16:43

Oh bugger that for a lark!

He is playing you. He wants you to dance to his buggering tune. He wants to tell you to jump and for your only response to be "how high?"

Confused this guy is an absolute fucking bastarding MORON. Get this pathetic, weaselling, good for nothing turd out of your life.

I promise you, it's not you, it's him. Please, please, please - you need to start recognising your own worth. What would you say to a friend who was being treated like this? Or your dd?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/02/2015 16:49

Do you really want to live like this for rest of your life?

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 17/02/2015 17:00

no I dont...but the alternative atm seems even worse :( like I said I have no one in RL I dont think like oh ill meet someone nicer as all the men I have been out with have been abusive so havent really got any faith in that dept x

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/02/2015 17:01

You've just found all the toads en route to the handsome prince x

AnyFucker · 17/02/2015 17:03

you would be better with no man than this

is it so bad to just be in a little family of your own, ust you and dd

you don't need a man to validate you

my suggestion would be to stay on your own for a little while, in the meantime working through the Freedom Programme

SoleSource · 17/02/2015 17:03

Try therapy, being alone and feeling lonely are two different experiences. You need to learn how to feel OK being alone via being OK with you before you can enter relationships with anybody.

Ohfourfoxache · 17/02/2015 17:19

Sweetheart, you probably can't see it, but the alternative is not worse. Seriously, this guy is a grade a tosser. He is making you feel like shit. He is not going to change.

As AF says, I think you need some time on your own. Fwiw I think you have a lot to come to terms with: past abuse, what happened to you when you were growing up, why you seem to believe that everything is your fault. You simply cannot keep attributing the blame to your/your actions. You are stuck in a relentless cycle and you don't know any different. Perhaps you expect to be treated like shit? Your posts suggest to me that that's all you think you're worthy of Sad

In the meantime, get out, develop hobbies and interests, join groups and meet people. Think of it this way - you sound absolutely lovely and, at the moment, you are depriving people of your company. Do something to change that. Are there local groups you could go to with your dd? Or coffee mornings? Or mum and child Zumba sessions? Or knit and natter? (Some may be up your street, others not! Grin)

We need to find a way of you not hating your life (trust me, I know - it's not fun feeling like that) x

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 17/02/2015 17:22

thank you I'm sure ur all right it just doesnt feel like that atm....does anyone have any coping strategies for the here n now? apart from people on here I havent spoken to a soul ( apart from him ) since wed when I was at work...this is pretty normal for my life but its really getting me down ... x

OP posts:
Joysmum · 17/02/2015 17:25

You've got no chance of meeting the right man if you're off the market because you're with the wrong one and suffering more and more damage to your self esteem because of it.

Christinayang1 · 17/02/2015 17:35

Confused if you keep going out with the same type of men then maybe you need to consider why. From reading your posts I feel that you really wanted to feel loved as there hasn't been much of that in life, but you will never get that unless you start thinking you deserve it

My honest advice would be to spend some considerable time on your own, working on you. Get to the point where you are happy with just yourself and dd, make a life for you both, get a social life, make friends, get an interest....the you won't NEED someone and when you do eventually meet someone it will be because he adds to your life but you don't need him for your happiness

As long as you are always depending on someone for your happiness you will never get it

JenniferGovernment · 17/02/2015 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Duckdeamon · 18/02/2015 13:31

Whatever you decide about this relationship the freedom programme could be good. And organising some things to do so you can spend time with nice people who you like, or meet new friends. So your eggs aren't all in one (shoddy in his case) basket.

Are there people who you could meet up with more, with your DD, or occasionally alone in the evening? Eg someone living with a partner who could pop round for the odd drink and chat in the evening. If not, are there things in your area that might be good for finding good company?

Duckdeamon · 18/02/2015 13:31

Nice work colleagues?

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 18/02/2015 16:12

hi ladies...my only ( 2 ) mates have boyfriends and spend all thier time with them so I am really just on my own all the time....At work today so its nice to have company but dreading going home plus have had a run in with my crazy mum this morning that shook me up a bit x

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 18/02/2015 17:03

Just because your mates have boyfriends, maybe doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to meet with you. You need to help yourself. Suggest meeting. Maybe they presume you don't want to, it works both ways.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 18/02/2015 17:04

I do suggest meeting all the time but they are always too busy x

OP posts: