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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting over "unfinished business"

190 replies

LeighHalfpennyisagod · 06/02/2015 21:08

15 years ago my then boyfriend of 5 years dumped me. We had a very on/off relationship, I wanted to settle down and have a baby and he didn't. Work had always kept us apart and when we finally got the geography right, and I moved in, he finished with me. I was utterly heartbroken. He stayed in touch, long late night conversations, saw him a couple of times, and we both went out with other people. Then he announced he was getting married. It was like being heartbroken again as I'd have taken him back in a second. I cut contact.
We got back in touch last year, and we are both single. He's divorced and has been for years, and I never married and we both have children too. We've been seeing each other when we can, we had a magical reunion, he tells me I'm his future. He says he married his ex because she was "ideal wife" material whereas I was too career focussed then and didn't do much of the Little Missus thing. But that he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone.
He's said all the things I ever wanted to hear.
But here's the thing - there's a part of me that wonders if I love him, or I'm actually remembering how I felt then rather than how I feel now. Does that make sense?

He had a number of red flags too, and I absolutely cannot have my heart smashed again, so maybe I'm being overly guarded. Am I making sense to anyone?Blush

OP posts:
iloverunning36 · 06/02/2015 21:10

What are the red flags?Flowers

Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 06/02/2015 21:14

Well, in some ways he's "warts and all" open about himself, including telling me stories about when he's lied in his past. So for example when his marriage was on the rocks he had a 3 year affair with his friend's wife. And when that finished, his marriage was unbearable so he asked for a divorce. Hardly covering himself in glory, is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 06/02/2015 21:16

So he started cheating on his wife because their sex life stalled, she was in his eyes too wrapped up with the children and from what I can gather, knackered with two kids under two.

OP posts:
AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 06/02/2015 21:19

Oh dear, you are already being told you'll have to be a good little wifey if you are to win the prize of him. Pfffft.

What are the other red flags?

Handywoman · 06/02/2015 21:21

He cheated on his wife with the wife of a friend??

Run the other way.

Fast.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 06/02/2015 21:22

x-post.

Oh god. Chuck. He is also warning you what will happen if your sex life stalls or you don't give him more attention than the kids. Run!

Also, he married someone else when he actually loved you and you were available. That's either bollocks or he's a twat.

Run! Run! Run!

Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 06/02/2015 21:26

I think he married her cod he had a v fixed idea of what wife-shape should be. She was richer, from old money and he's a climber, and much younger than him (or me) and like a pliable Cath Kidston type, whereas I gave him shit! Grin
He now says he never loved her, certainly not in the way he loved me.

So other than his adultery, he also cheated on her with me before they got married. I'm not proud of this but I wanted him back so badly.Sad

He seems to only be able to stick with a relationship for about 4 years. His first wife (he's been married twice) was a 4 year thing. She didn't want kids and he did, their sex life died and he cheated with a neighbour. There's a pattern.

He's not an addict or alcoholic or violent btw, but I think not all red flags are so obvious.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 06/02/2015 21:31

The other thing is that I'm starting to think he will only do something if it's his idea. With one thing and another we haven't seen each other since christmas (both started new jobs) and he's quite inflexible about things, so we won't see each other till end of Feb.

Re the sex thing, that's the reason my relationship failed - my DPs low libido faded to nothing and we were left as flatmates. We are good mates though now, but I remember the frustration.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 06/02/2015 21:36

"
Also, he married someone else when he actually loved you and you were available. That's either bollocks or he's a twat."

I know. It absolutely kills me. I think of all the pain it caused, both to me, and to his ex wife who ended up as essentially collateral damage. I still cry about it now. We could have been so happy. He says he talked to his dad and his brother in law about it before the wedding but thought he'd hurt me so badly Id never have taken him back. And by then the church was booked and he just let it happen. Sad Part of my heart is still broken about it. And I wish he'd been happy with his ex wife because then at least what I went through might have been worth something. Sad

OP posts:
Comito · 06/02/2015 21:44

You know what to do, don't you?

Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 06/02/2015 21:50

Keep on seeing him, rolling around in his loving words like an over excited puppy, Comito?Wink

I keep thinking well at least my eyes are open. And I do love him. Or I did? God I don't know. I wish I could be just totally over or just happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 06/02/2015 21:55

Could it work?

OP posts:
iloverunning36 · 06/02/2015 22:00

No!

SaucyJack · 06/02/2015 22:05

So you're the love of his life, yet he hasn't even made time to come and see you once so far this year? Hmm.

Yes, it could work. As long as do exactly what he wants and don't expect anything back. I doubt he's capable of having a normal LTR. Good luck with that (!)

Moanranger · 06/02/2015 22:08

Ah, old flames. I saw one recently a couple of times. Yes, the chemistry is still there, but move on. It actually sounds like you dodged a bullet, not marrying him. Hold onto the feeling you get with him, but find it with someone, new & frankly, nicer.

Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 06/02/2015 22:09

We were supposed to see each other in Jan but I had to cancel but I said I could do two other weekends and also offered to come up for the day for his birthday but he said he was too busy in the new job. He always sounds so reasonable at the time...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/02/2015 22:13

Deary me

Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 06/02/2015 22:13

Moanranger yes I always assume we would have been happy but there's every chance it wouldn't have worked out. The sex was always amazing so I think that would have been ok.
I said to him recently that if he had just said "will you stop moaning if we get married and have a baby" then I'd have been beyond delighted - that was all Id ever wanted then. He went really quiet and was a bit tearful. All those wasted years. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 06/02/2015 22:14

Am I really hopeless Anyfucker?Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/02/2015 22:15

What you have written on this thread is kinda hopeless and so crap I don't even know where to start

Waitingonasunnyday · 06/02/2015 22:16

He's a jerk.
You do know that, don't you?

Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 06/02/2015 22:18

I'm down in the dumps tonight so I'm only writing about the bad stuff maybe. We talk all the time, hours, about anything and everything. We work in the same profession and we have lots in common. In lots of ways we fit and I'm never happier than when I'm with him.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 06/02/2015 22:20

But you're never with him, and the one time you did live together he dumped you.

In the words of the great philosopher Derek Trotter "Where I come from love, actions speak louder than words."

Sorry dude.

jasper · 06/02/2015 22:20

you will get negative views here.
Give it a whirl and good luck!

cerealqueen · 06/02/2015 22:23

He treats everybody in his life badly. Nothing to say he'll change.