Getting over "unfinished business"

[LeighHalfpennyisagod]

15 years ago my then boyfriend of 5 years dumped me. We had a very on/off relationship, I wanted to settle down and have a baby and he didn't. Work had always kept us apart and when we finally got the geography right, and I moved in, he finished with me. I was utterly heartbroken. He stayed in touch, long late night conversations, saw him a couple of times, and we both went out with other people. Then he announced he was getting married. It was like being heartbroken again as I'd have taken him back in a second. I cut contact.
We got back in touch last year, and we are both single. He's divorced and has been for years, and I never married and we both have children too. We've been seeing each other when we can, we had a magical reunion, he tells me I'm his future. He says he married his ex because she was "ideal wife" material whereas I was too career focussed then and didn't do much of the Little Missus thing. But that he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone.
He's said all the things I ever wanted to hear.
But here's the thing - there's a part of me that wonders if I love him, or I'm actually remembering how I felt then rather than how I feel now. Does that make sense?

He had a number of red flags too, and I absolutely cannot have my heart smashed again, so maybe I'm being overly guarded. Am I making sense to anyone?

Blah blah blah

It looks like you are going to let him make a mug of you again. Good luck with that.

What people do is far more important than what they say.

Given what you've written about his past behaviour why would you allow this man into you and your children's lives?

Honestly honestly honestly I'm just trying to work this through in my head. I'm usually surprisingly sensible and this man is my Achilles heel.

Wow, really?

Please have more self respect than this. He is a grade A bastard.
Do not go down the shag then leave route as you will be sucked in and never leave.

He has not only shown you in the past that he is a shit.
He is totally prepared to vocalise that h is a shit.

He will treat you badly, because he has no reason to treat you well, as you keep running back for the scraps of his affection.
The whole thing is on his terms.

Have some self respect.
RUN RUN RUN
And never contact him again.

I have been laughing in shock throughout this thread. He is really awful! Honestly, OP, there isn't one thing going for him. Yes, he's good in bed but that's because he's had loads of practice, you fool!

He is a liar and a cheat and a weak man.

He treats his own children appallingly - imagine never being able to leave any clothes at your own father's house!

He's treated every single woman he's been involved with badly. Every single one.

You know you are going to suffer if you stay with him. You know it. Don't think you'll shag that golden cock until you are fed up with him. That's not how he lives life. He will make you suffer.

Golden Cock!

Am trying to talk myself away from him, and you're all helping!

There is zero chance you can have no strings sex with this man as some have suggested. You'll fall right back into helpless infatuation. Because that's what it is; you don't love him, you love an idealised, faithful, version. Which doesn't exist. Don't waste any more of your life on this. How you do think he'll cope with your kids, for a start, when he can't cope with living with evidence of his own??

Yes a good point. Not v fair on your kids.

I'm listening, very hard.

I really want there to be nothing left when I finish this. No "what if's" etc. How do I do that? I don't think I can just cut it dead because for me it wouldn't be dead.

And to the previous poster who said that it sounds like he's someone who likes to have a relationship without actually caring about the relationship, I think you've got a point. I've never looked at him like that. What purpose can that serve?

I think you have to accept that you will always have feelings for him, but that he is not the man you would like him to be.

The only way you will get to the point of there being nothing left would be a) you see him exactly as he is and the respect falls away, or b) you stay with him for the full 4 year pattern until he cheats or buggers off with someone else. At which point you will end up hating him.

Why not be completely straight with yourself that the man you idealise is simply a shallow arsehole and a serial cheat. What 'what ifs' could you possibly have about a man like that?

He is an old fashioned cad.

You know that he will be looking for a better offer, the easier life, the younger woman, all the time but you think he loves you more than he has ever loved anyone? That might be true (I don't believe it) but seeing as he regularly shits on people he loves, its hardly saying much.

When I gave up smoking - nasty, vile and destructive - so a good comparison to this wanker, and I got the urge for a cigarette, I would tell myself that as soon as I saw a friend with cigarettes, I would ask them for one.
By the time I saw someone with fags, the urgency had passed and I never did ask.

Over the years, the times between the urges got longer and the desire for a cigarette less intense.
Never did I by a packet and I told myself (and still do) that smoking was disgusting and that, if I started again, I would not be able to stop at one cigarette.
You can't throw the switch, but you can set up a more healthy mental approach to the tosser, which would work over time.
Just convince yourself that he is as disgusting as we are all saying; without that conviction, nothing will work.

Sounds like a first class shit to me!

Genuinely the worst part of this is that he chose to marry someone because she better fit the wife shaped void in his life than you. He sounds like a misogynist who expects the women in his life to make him happy and when they inevitably fail, blames them for his own unhappiness. I think you would be wise to consider what makes you find someone like that attractive and to stay away from him at least until you figure that out.

You think he's never been a faithful, loving partner to any of his partners because they weren't you right? Sorry but that's just how he is and he absolutely will do the same to you.

Until YOU feel/know you can move on, you're always going to have this "what if" feeling. It's easy for random people on a forum to tell you to leave as he's a jerk but until YOU feel the exact same way, you won't move on.

I'm a sucker, I would give him this one last chance. Speak to him, tell him it's all or nothing and mean it. Tell him if he wants to be with you he needs to prove/show it rather than say it. If someone loves you enough they won't find excuses.

I would rather try and possibly end up hurt again, than not try and constant wonder "what if" for the rest of my life.

If you were the supposed "love of his life" why did he wait so long after his divorce to get in contact again? If he was that keen he would have found a way to trace you.

I'm a sucker too Fearless

inlectoricumbit he did - he got in touch to tell me it hadmt worked out but I was v pregnant with DC1 and told him to forget it.

Ehric he's adamant he never ever cheated on me. Dumped me from time to time but never cheated.

Oh dearie dearie me....

(can you see my shaking my head?)

That bad? He can be so sweet! I think I fit a void at the moment. He has his kids every other weekend, he works away one in four and works away Sun-Thurs so there's not a lot of room anyway for a woman of any shape. We live a few hours' drive from each other so it's not like I can pop over. Despite that he calls every night and we talk tons. Doesn't make him less of a bad idea though I suppose, does it?