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Original poster

Getting over "unfinished business"

190 replies

LeighHalfpennyisagod · 06/02/2015 21:08

15 years ago my then boyfriend of 5 years dumped me. We had a very on/off relationship, I wanted to settle down and have a baby and he didn't. Work had always kept us apart and when we finally got the geography right, and I moved in, he finished with me. I was utterly heartbroken. He stayed in touch, long late night conversations, saw him a couple of times, and we both went out with other people. Then he announced he was getting married. It was like being heartbroken again as I'd have taken him back in a second. I cut contact.
We got back in touch last year, and we are both single. He's divorced and has been for years, and I never married and we both have children too. We've been seeing each other when we can, we had a magical reunion, he tells me I'm his future. He says he married his ex because she was "ideal wife" material whereas I was too career focussed then and didn't do much of the Little Missus thing. But that he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone.
He's said all the things I ever wanted to hear.
But here's the thing - there's a part of me that wonders if I love him, or I'm actually remembering how I felt then rather than how I feel now. Does that make sense?

He had a number of red flags too, and I absolutely cannot have my heart smashed again, so maybe I'm being overly guarded. Am I making sense to anyone?Blush

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Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 09/02/2015 20:39

Thankyou Angleshades. I'm working very hard to reframe my view of him.

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CatThiefKeith · 09/02/2015 20:43

Leigh that passage chilled me too. Stay strong, it will save you a lot of heartache in the long run. I promise.

lavenderhoney · 09/02/2015 21:03

Give yourself a deadline of thinking about him, and reframing. Get your diary out and get really, really busy and booked out for a few months. Don't allow yourself to talk about him to friends and avoid drunken nights in where you may hash it out/ text him.

Can you think of a sport to take up if you can where you have to think at the same time about the sport? Like fencing? Nothing where your mind wanders, iyswim.

You have dc, so that's a great incentive to make sure this man never comes near them or affects your thinking when you are with them. Get them to help you organise and arrange, and think of things to do. Make them your project and you, of course. If you need to talk to someone, what about a counsellor? Then you know for that hour once a week you get to vent. Otherwise - no:) learn chess, anything. Come on here too much and go on style and beauty or gardening - something different ( unless youre already on there:)

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 21:06

< shudder >

jasper · 09/02/2015 22:48

Leigh can you share some more tales of fuckwittery?
I bet when you write them down they come to life if you see what I mean , and you can stand back and wonder how he managed to deceive you ?

Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 10/02/2015 00:06

I'd be delighted!

He told me how much he loved and missed me but in the next breath told me to make sure I only came down when I didn't have my period. Angry

During a "break" he rented a house from one of my brothers and like a fool I went to help him move in and we ended up in bed. And I asked for a cuddle and he turned away and kind of reached behind him and patted me and said "sometimes you have to cuddle yourself." To be fair I didn't speak to him for months after that.

This is the thing though, just when it looks like I'm a total fool and he is a prize arsehole, he'd pull something out of the bag, like an amazing dinner cooked whilst I'm waited on hand and foot, or huge house party for all my friends. His charm offensives are a force to be reckoned with.

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AnyFucker · 10/02/2015 00:20

so, now you are not going to be sacked in again by the charm offensives

they are not worth how shit you are made to feel about yourself

right ?

AnyFucker · 10/02/2015 00:20

sucked

AnyFucker · 10/02/2015 00:21

That period thing is a fucking piss take

Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 10/02/2015 00:31

It's special isn't it? He said he'd heard you can "just take a tablet" to stop it happening. I pointed out that me with super extended PMT is nothing to hope for. But yes, the period thing was a real "falling stock" moment.

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Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 10/02/2015 00:33

What else? Admits to drink driving "but it's only a mile and almost all farm track."

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AnyFucker · 10/02/2015 00:34

erggh

Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 10/02/2015 00:48

Actively encourages his son to play very rough at football. Laughed when taken aside by parents about it. (Or says he laughed. I think he's likely to have lied and feigned horror.)

Lots of stories of how he managed to pass off life threatening hangovers as illness to his ex wife, letting her wait hand and foot on him.

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TendonQueen · 10/02/2015 02:12

What an arse. So he basically doesn't mind killing someone or his son giving someone else's kid serious injuries just so things go the way he wants them to. He may cook the odd dinner but the pattern shows he will never do anything that actually involves him comprising or putting himself out for others in any meaningful way. In fact he enjoys making others run around after him and have to accommodate him. If you were in real need of help, let's say seriously ill or something, he'd run a mile.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 10/02/2015 02:47

I think if you've had a "big love affair" that ended in a blaze of glory of some description, it's really hard to let it go. Whatever else happens. I am very happily married with a DD and a lovely life but my first love was a big, passionate, catastrophic, once in a lifetime type thing. He was a knobhead with severe emotional issues though, I see that now. He had affairs to- cheated on his wife, cheated with me, cheated on me. He was emotionally and sexually dysfunctional. But if circumstances were different, could I get swept back into it, all that passion, all that madness, all that tempestuous rowing and shagging and crying at songs on the radio? Probably yes. He was my first love and he left his mark. Does it mean I should though? No. We were incompatable and horrible for each other.

I think the past should stay in the past in these situations. From the sound of it you're unsure and probably right to be. Walk away and find happiness in the future, not the past.

Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 10/02/2015 13:07

Staircaseattheuniversity what do you mean by sexual dysfunction? It's a HUGE coincidence you mention that as there's an issue like that with this man too...

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jasper · 10/02/2015 13:27

Leigh , probably not a coincidence !

Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 10/02/2015 13:32

I'm dying to know what the dysfunction is!

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Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 10/02/2015 13:34

He has Retarded Ejaculation, in case you're wondering, which you undoubtedly are!Grin

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AnyFucker · 10/02/2015 17:13

too tight to give it away you mean ?

CatThiefKeith · 10/02/2015 17:15

Christ. So did mine, although he used to try to pass it off as tantra.

ineedabodytransplant · 10/02/2015 17:16

I suffer from retarded ejaculation as well..........17 years and counting Grin

AnyFucker · 10/02/2015 17:21

But you are nice, ineeda and he is a twat Smile

ineedabodytransplant · 10/02/2015 17:31

Aw AF!

Flowers Grin
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