Getting over "unfinished business"

[LeighHalfpennyisagod]

15 years ago my then boyfriend of 5 years dumped me. We had a very on/off relationship, I wanted to settle down and have a baby and he didn't. Work had always kept us apart and when we finally got the geography right, and I moved in, he finished with me. I was utterly heartbroken. He stayed in touch, long late night conversations, saw him a couple of times, and we both went out with other people. Then he announced he was getting married. It was like being heartbroken again as I'd have taken him back in a second. I cut contact.
We got back in touch last year, and we are both single. He's divorced and has been for years, and I never married and we both have children too. We've been seeing each other when we can, we had a magical reunion, he tells me I'm his future. He says he married his ex because she was "ideal wife" material whereas I was too career focussed then and didn't do much of the Little Missus thing. But that he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone.
He's said all the things I ever wanted to hear.
But here's the thing - there's a part of me that wonders if I love him, or I'm actually remembering how I felt then rather than how I feel now. Does that make sense?

He had a number of red flags too, and I absolutely cannot have my heart smashed again, so maybe I'm being overly guarded. Am I making sense to anyone?

Going against the grain here. Neither of you need promise long term love - I'd say go for it, be careful, be honest, and have fun! Then you'll know whether he's for you!

So in the space of 15 years he's been married twice, divorced twice and cheated numerous times. You seem to be blaming his actions on his unfulfilled love for you, rather than on the real reason which is that he's an lying cheat who's incapable of commitment. He likes the chase. He chased you, you moved in, the chase ended, he finished it. He probably chased both wives and once they were 'caught', he moved onto chasing their friends. He's now chasing you again. I fear this will only end in tears, most likely yours.

Are you crazy? This has disaster written all over it

I mean, I get it I've been there, with the long-term guy who you can stay up all night talking to, who makes you laugh, who makes you so happy sometimes but all that doesn't matter if he doesn't want to really see you or commit, if you can't trust him, if you can't ever really relax because you don't know exactly what's going on.

Don't sell yourself short! I thank god all the time things finally fizzled out with my exes, eventually I did meet a great guy who did all the same things but who actually wanted to marry me and build a life with me. Don't settle for half the picture.

He dumped you for reasons, married someone else for reasons, dumped her for reasons.

He doesn't know what he wants. It might be you until he decides he wants someone more pliable again.

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

This won't last as he will cheat if he isn't already doing so. However you are enjoying great sex so treat it like a fuck buddy relationship and all will be well.

C'mon OP, really?

We could have been so happy

Sure, if he'd been a completely different person. Not one who buggered off and married someone for the money, cheated on her and his next wife. And then came sniffing around spouting Mills and Boon baloney while not actually bothering to see you.

Softwarmkitty no he was married and divorced before I met him. So only the one wife in the 15 years. But a 3 year affair. And after that a 3 year relationship which he ended cos he said it was a rebound thing and anyway their kids didn't get on and she was too into bumsex.
And then another 3 year one that was v on off but he really liked her, I think probably because she kept dumping him. Then me.

What I've noticed is that he always HAS to have someone. Whenever we broke up he would always have hooked up with someone and then would drop them and come back to me. It was bloody exhausting, looking back.

and she was too into bumsex

This does not sound like a plausible explanation in context.

Sounds like he was a tosser to you, then his wife, now you again and he always has an excuse.

Sorry I was being a bit flippant, I've had gin! I think they were very different sexually.

Yes, there's always a reason behind his behaving like a wanker, isn't there? And now it's not just you but your kids who will get the shitty end of the stick when he starts messing you around and making you miserable all over again. Someone who is as inflexible as you've said he is, and who wants to be the main event in someone's life as much as you've described, is not going to be a good stepfather.

The thing about old flames is that you both have an idealised memory of the past. Especially if the sex was fantastic and that is currently lacking in your life. .
But there were reasons you broke up and no matter how tempting it is I think it does not sound like a plan that will bring you long term happiness.

You sound totally obsessed by him and I think you're asking for "advice" just so you talk endlessly about him the way people like to do when they're infatuated. I think this will only end badly. He sounds like someone who loves the high drama/romance "beginnings" and who then gets bored once things settle down, hence the risky affairs. If he was as into you as you need him to be to make a relationship work you'd be seeing him not hearing excuses. He sounds like he needs someone on the go but doesn't actually much care about an actually relationship. Good luck with that.

All those senses and feelings in you that are niggling, even the fact that you need to seek reassurance about whether to go for it is surely indicative of you knowing, deep down, that this is not going to end happily. Effectively you seem to be saying- he has form, he may well end up breaking my heart again, but any attention from him is better than none, should I go for it? Even when you were together it was 'on off' and the minute he got what he allegedly wanted (you moving in) he ended it. Seriously? He sounds like a real prince charming.

You may be convincing yourself that you want him, but it sounds more like you need him than want him; or that you may think somehow you can repair the wounds of the past by doing all you can to make it work this time around, but he's telling you in every way possible exactly what he's like- why are you choosing not to listen to him and delude yourself that you have the power to change him? Accepting him and his 'warts and all' simply means in his mind you are going into the relationship passively permitting him and his behavioural patterns.

I'm sure you are a lovely, kind and loving woman, but wake up- you are no more 'special' or 'magical' than any of the other women he's been with, and none of them successfully 'fixed' him either.

Are you lonely? Maybe you need to spend more time around other men to benchmark how good exactly he makes you feel. Fast forward a couple of years do you really want there to be even a chance that you'll be back on here shocked and devastated that he did it to you again?

I don't often reply on boards but I just had to say that I think you would be walking straight back into heartbreak here. Listen to your gut instincts. What has put me off here is him saying you weren't acting like a little missus. That is worrying. So if you expect to keep him, you'd better act how he wants you to! That's what it looks like to me. So does you expect you to not be career orientated anymore? Have you suddenly lost interest in your job? I honestly think hold out for someone who wants you as you are. And the way he ceremoniously dumped you before would be a red flag in it's own right. Xx please please think very hard about this.

Fuck him for a bit then walk away And find a 'real' person to fill the hole in your life this twat never did and never will

hi OP,
I can imagine the situation. I think you should enjoy all his words, as you say, and shag him senseless at every opportunity for at least six months. But don't move in or get married, or pregnant. He's a fantasist, and it won't last forever. x

Really OP the main thing you know about this man is that he is immensely sexy and charming, and that this decreases in direct proportion to his level of commitment in a relationship! So, enjoy his charm and sexiness, but pick someone else for your next real relationship. x

P.s. Had an ex like that myself -- I understand what they're like. Can easily imagine my one getting divorced and ringing me up (though I'd ignore as I'm happily married to someone way better). Mine would say that his marriage hadn't worked out and that he had always loved me etc. etc. The real truth is he courted me throughout two of his long term relationships, one with my friend and one with his now wife, eventually managing to shag me once when I was very weak before I went no contact, telling myself he'd 'broken my heart' when actually he was just a glamorous user. HUGE cock though.

Thanks people. I know you're right. He's a funny one - immensely charming, very socially accomplished, very much a host and raconteur, amazing parties etc. His house is beautiful, but another red flag is that even though his children stay every other weekend and a couple of nights in the week, and live less than a mile away with their mum, he doesn't allow them to keep clothes there. I don't know why and he couldn't explain It either really. He adores them and is very hands on - he takes them on hols by himself etc but he makes them take their stuff with them.

He's v v tidy and I honestly think he can't really life with anyone - he reckoned his wife's untidiness was a big strain on them, and told me he came in from a week away with work when the children were small, and there was a big pile of ironing on the bed, and that his wife got into bed and went to sleep in it, and he thought it was the most outrageous thing ever. To me she just sounded shattered. He admitted he would work away far more than he needed to because he had started avoiding her, which left her alone with the kids.

When I stay there, I don't lift a finger, he does it all - he's a v keen cook so I just sit in the kitchen and let him get on with it. The "Little Missus" comment is more about his ideal wife then, I think, being a cake baking knitter type, which is what she was/is, and I'm not.

Liking the plan to shag and then leave. Or just let it fizzle out. Id like to use this as an opportunity to sort any Unfinished Business, as per my OP. He threw me entirely when we first were back in touch by telling me he regretted getting married, I was The One etc.

Oh yeah, HUGE cock! Truly massive, and fairly talented with it!!!

Oh another thing. As I say his ex wife (#2) lives near him and I don't think for a second there's anything going on, they seem quite cordial. So I was perturbed when I saw him last, that he said he didn't want it to get back to get that it was me he was seeing. Bearing in mind he's had girlfriends since they split, I didn't see why it was a problem. Then he revealed that exw was always v twitchy if my name was mentioned as before they got married she saw his phone bill and there were loads of long calls to me. And he explained this away by telling her I was mentally unstable and that he "had to talk me down." Despite the fact that it was Him calling Me she took it.

When a man tells you he's a bastard, you should believe him.