Getting over "unfinished business"

[LeighHalfpennyisagod]

15 years ago my then boyfriend of 5 years dumped me. We had a very on/off relationship, I wanted to settle down and have a baby and he didn't. Work had always kept us apart and when we finally got the geography right, and I moved in, he finished with me. I was utterly heartbroken. He stayed in touch, long late night conversations, saw him a couple of times, and we both went out with other people. Then he announced he was getting married. It was like being heartbroken again as I'd have taken him back in a second. I cut contact.
We got back in touch last year, and we are both single. He's divorced and has been for years, and I never married and we both have children too. We've been seeing each other when we can, we had a magical reunion, he tells me I'm his future. He says he married his ex because she was "ideal wife" material whereas I was too career focussed then and didn't do much of the Little Missus thing. But that he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone.
He's said all the things I ever wanted to hear.
But here's the thing - there's a part of me that wonders if I love him, or I'm actually remembering how I felt then rather than how I feel now. Does that make sense?

He had a number of red flags too, and I absolutely cannot have my heart smashed again, so maybe I'm being overly guarded. Am I making sense to anyone?

Grooming? Do you think he's that calculated? I'm inclined to think he means things as he says it which gives it a wonderful authenticity, but then just selfishly changes his mind

OK - well if its the SAME guy - and don't forget that was December so not that long ago - you really need to have nothing to do with him.

That is a whole other level of shittery. He was actively lying to your face.

Men can make you feel worthless but still be honest (being open about seeing other women) but at least they are being straight with you - which on some level is a good quality.

This guy tried to gaslight you totally - when confronted by PLAIN evidence he said his account had been hacked. No one would believe that. It is the type of trait you get in a narcissist. It starts with "no I wasn't arranging to meet a fake you" and ends with "you are going insane". Seriously - entertain yourself and educate yourself at the same time. Buy the film Gaslight from Amazon - and watch and learn (the earlier Anton Walbrook/Diana Wynyard version is better than the Ingrid Bergman 1944 one but either will do).

if the outcome is the same, does the process matter ?

Honestly? This is far from unique.

I've been there. It seems so romantic; you are the one that got away. He married because he couldn't have you. It failed, you are....the answer.

Yet he still fucks other people. And admits it. But, somehow, it's all because you're not there. And even if you are...well. You know what he's like, right? You can't complain, as you knew what he was like, right? He's been upfront about his inability to keep his dick in his trousers, so - what are you whining about? Why aren't you happy with being sloppy seconds all the time? Why?

It's not a new story.

Don't do it to yourself.

OP, he's a twat. You know that.

However this isn't about him, it's about you. All of that energy you are spending wondering about why he does what he does, you should be spending figuring out what it is in you that makes it possible you can still be strung out on someone who is so obviously fucking you around. And what else you could do that would give you a similar thrill (maybe sky-diving?).

I say this with sympathy, but where is your self-respect?

By the way you ask why he does it - it's about power. You spend all you time thinking about him, he spends no time whatsoever thinking about you. So you fluff up his ego, but he's completely safe because he doesn't actually care if you stay or go.

Well, he would say all that wouldn't he? Just like he's said it to his wife, his lovers..

How is your life right now? Work ok? Dc ok? Money? Because by spending time thinking about him you are avoiding whatever it is you should be thinking about.

And he sounds a horror to his kids, he's made it clear to them they can't even leave a pair of pants at his house. Or make their bedrooms there feel like they are welcome when they stay.

If you left a bottle of shampoo he'd bin it or fed ex it to you. He is using you as an excuse for fucking up his life. HE fucked up, it's bugger all to do with you. We all make choices. You don't have to be with him, you know. You're better off alone - you sound like someone comfortable with only " good " bits of a relationship. The sex, the drama.. Maybe that's what you want. But your dc won't see you with a normal kind man who loves you and doesn't fuck with your head, which is a shame.

There is a website called baggage reclaim. You might like to read it. It does help, as it's quite hard when you have invested so much emotionally into him over the years. And yes, he is that manipulative.

He's already tried to cheat on you (and has probably succeeded elsewhere). So that's destroyed the "you're the love of my life and I would never hurt you because you mean so much more to me than the others I cheated on" line. Why on earth are you still in this relationship?

His children aren't allowed to leave their clothes at his house?
What?

This alone is LTB material. You need nothing else. What utter,utter selfishness. A parent doesn't put themselves before their children's basic needs.

You have a little self destructive streak, like a lot of us. Grow yourself some balls and stop indulging it.

He just gives you enough to keep you dangling doesn't he

Just enough to make you doubt your instinct

OMG - I read your other thread.

Wow.

You know this man is a complete lying shit and yet you continue to chase him and pretend to be helpless in his wake?

I don't know what to say except maybe counseling would help.

Just, wow.

He's a prize cunt. Write down a neat selection of his most cuntish behaviours and read it to yourself each time he tries to get in touch with you. Y'know, when you go NC with him. He's done the hard work for you and told you how much of a prick he is, it's just up to you what you do with that.

So what happened with the fake date?

I guess the fake date exposed to OP that he continues to be a lying, opportunist cheating wanker, but then he must have said, "oh baby, you're the one I really love," and OP said, "ok then. Excellent."

I can't see what else could have happened here.

Leigh this is tragic. Please consider having counselling so you can deal with whatever it is that makes you put up with this treatment.

All of that energy you are spending wondering about why he does what he does, you should be spending figuring out what it is in you that makes it possible you can still be strung out on someone who is so obviously fucking you around. And what else you could do that would give you a similar thrill (maybe sky-diving?).

After I logged off last night, I spent a lot of time thinking about Leigh, this thread and my own situation. I am going to start my own thread I think but

what I wanted to say that relevant here is:

that I was totally distracted from the fact that I was getting nothing out of the relationship except drama and an emotional high by all the surrounding drama and emotional highs

I was over focussed on the "why is he doing this" and when I'd get my next hit of him - so it meant that I never really saw the rest of it.

I'll explain more what I mean on a new thread as this is about me really.

But Leigh -simone's quote above is key to this. You are focussing on the wrong things; this is the evil magician's trick. You never stop to ask why you are so unhappy (his slow destruction of your self esteem) because you are too busy asking why he is behaving the way he is.

So less than two months ago he admitted he'd set up a date with another woman after lying about it- because she lived closer and the logistics would be easier????

What made you take him back at all?

This whole thing about never cheating on you is rubbish.

He's cheated on all his previous partners- including a THREE YEAR AFFAIR with one of his wife's friends. Oh, and a shag with you before the wedding.

He was meeting another woman and happily telling you it was a business meeting.

And you still think you're the one who got away and you will change him? Think again.

By the way were you discussing long term plans and potentially living together? Because the fact that his own children aren't allowed to intrude on his personal space doesn't bode well for a new GF and her children moving in.
Just another thing to think about.

I know I'm a fool. In all other ways I'm not but for this man at this moment, I'm a fool.

I know I need to let go. I do know. For now it's a matter of finding a sustainable way to do it. I don't have it in me to just LTB. And I don't know why.

Awww, but he loves you the best, Leigh.

It doesn't matter really that he treats you (and his kids) like shit, does it?

There's nothing to stop you staying in it until he cheats on you.

He lies to his kids, he lied to his wife, he's cheated in every woman he's been with, what fun you have in store.

Tbh I don't think it will get that far, he will fuck you now and again until you get serious about moving in with him and then he will dump you like he did the first time.

Your 'what if' can be 'what if I hadn't got re-involved with him..'

I've texted him saying I need space and I'll be in touch. I have no plans to get in touch but didn't feel able to say that, and also want to avoid the charm offensive which generally follows my ending it.

Simonettavespucci "By the way you ask why he does it - it's about power."

That's interesting. I read this:

Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It's the old story about giving a person enough rope and they'll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. "The Loser" tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts because they don't see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the "I don't take nothing from nobody" attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it's folklore and legends. Listen to Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It's the old story about giving a person enough rope and they'll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. "The Loser" tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts because they don't see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the "I don't take nothing from nobody" attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it's folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what's coming your way" stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what's coming your way"

His stories are all about power, how important he is, how he's put people in their place etc. He seems to have a run-in a day. I suspect they don't actually look like that to an observer but when he re tells the story that's how he frames it.

He sounds like a twat, Leigh, pure and simple