Getting over "unfinished business"

[LeighHalfpennyisagod]

15 years ago my then boyfriend of 5 years dumped me. We had a very on/off relationship, I wanted to settle down and have a baby and he didn't. Work had always kept us apart and when we finally got the geography right, and I moved in, he finished with me. I was utterly heartbroken. He stayed in touch, long late night conversations, saw him a couple of times, and we both went out with other people. Then he announced he was getting married. It was like being heartbroken again as I'd have taken him back in a second. I cut contact.
We got back in touch last year, and we are both single. He's divorced and has been for years, and I never married and we both have children too. We've been seeing each other when we can, we had a magical reunion, he tells me I'm his future. He says he married his ex because she was "ideal wife" material whereas I was too career focussed then and didn't do much of the Little Missus thing. But that he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone.
He's said all the things I ever wanted to hear.
But here's the thing - there's a part of me that wonders if I love him, or I'm actually remembering how I felt then rather than how I feel now. Does that make sense?

He had a number of red flags too, and I absolutely cannot have my heart smashed again, so maybe I'm being overly guarded. Am I making sense to anyone?

Just my tuppence worth...

You don't and never have loved him. Honestly, it just isn't love.

The way you describe your feelings is more like addiction than love. And the pattern of his behaviour is a type known to be extremely addictive (it's called a variable reinforcement schedule -read about it on wikipedia- basically where you get unpredictable big rewards among all the shit, that keep you hanging on for more). As you know, we're rarely addicted to anything good for us.

Once you reconcile yourself to the fact that this isn't really love, the action you need to take is pretty obvious...

17 years???? You poor lad!

Thanks Captain, I'll look it up.

OP sorry I dissapeared for a couple of days- DD has been poorly. He had problems maintaining erections and problems with pornography and he liked wearing ladies undies when he was alone. He was an absolute can of worms, sexually. I think often the dysfunctional ones emotionally are. If you want to PM me to chat I think I might be of help to you- he sounds a lot like my first love.

I've had a lot of therapy about it all too so have lots of strategies!

Cracking

He keeps checking into whatsapp and he oy uses that with me. I td him (as per an earlier post) I needed some headspace and would be in touch (no intention of getting in touch) but thought that height have done someyhing for valentines day, what with my being the love of his life etc. jeez.

Why do I care? Cos clearly I do.

Staircase I tried and failed to pm you - what strategies?

Captainreynolds you have a good point about this bring an addiction. If he's so crap though, that's no reward whatsoever isn't it, so why am Iike this?

Very few addictions are good and satisfying, that's why it's an addiction. Compulsive need for something we know to have negative results.

What is it that you want?

Because addictions are hard to break. Change his name in your whatsapp contacts to I Am A Loser.Tough it out tonight and make him wonder what you're up to.

If he's so crap though, that's no reward whatsoever isn't it, so why am Iike this?

Because (I'm guessing) occasionally he steps up and is charming, sexy and your perfect man.

It's called intermittent reinforcement. Google it. It is a powerful psychological manipulation technique.

In short, an experiment was devised where mice who pull a lever always got a treat. This became utterly random - they would pull the lever and often get nothing but randomly get a treat. They end up manically banging on the lever, thinking it will produce the desired result and obsessed with the lever.

Same principle. It's a typical behavioural technique of narcissists and sociopaths but not necessarily.

Would it be on to end this by text, or email? I don't want to speak.

Oh well by text it was. Took me longer than it should but hes history. Unfinished business that will never get finished but is certainly getting shelved. What a headfuck.

What a headfuck. Delurking to say well done, he was/is a class A knob and would only bring you so much more misery. Head high and chin up, it only gets better from here! You've cleared the path for Nr. Right to get to you now

Thankyou! D'you know, all I feel is relief and amazement at myself for putting up with such bollocks. I finished it by text and then deleted and blocked him in every way possible. And threw away and smashed his presents. I felt a bit bad for doing it like that.

But then the following day I got an email from Match.com (I set up the fake profile, see earlier thread link) and he was already back on there!

There is now no unfinished business whatsoever.