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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting over "unfinished business"

190 replies

LeighHalfpennyisagod · 06/02/2015 21:08

15 years ago my then boyfriend of 5 years dumped me. We had a very on/off relationship, I wanted to settle down and have a baby and he didn't. Work had always kept us apart and when we finally got the geography right, and I moved in, he finished with me. I was utterly heartbroken. He stayed in touch, long late night conversations, saw him a couple of times, and we both went out with other people. Then he announced he was getting married. It was like being heartbroken again as I'd have taken him back in a second. I cut contact.
We got back in touch last year, and we are both single. He's divorced and has been for years, and I never married and we both have children too. We've been seeing each other when we can, we had a magical reunion, he tells me I'm his future. He says he married his ex because she was "ideal wife" material whereas I was too career focussed then and didn't do much of the Little Missus thing. But that he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone.
He's said all the things I ever wanted to hear.
But here's the thing - there's a part of me that wonders if I love him, or I'm actually remembering how I felt then rather than how I feel now. Does that make sense?

He had a number of red flags too, and I absolutely cannot have my heart smashed again, so maybe I'm being overly guarded. Am I making sense to anyone?Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 09/02/2015 10:18

Yep. I hear you. He didn't reply. He knows he's a twat.

OP posts:
CatThiefKeith · 09/02/2015 10:21

Leigh I read your previous thread, and thought 'blimey, I wonder if that bloke is my ex?'

I've read this one, and it sounds even more like him, except mine didn't have kids.

I've been where you are, getting back with the ex that broke my heart, ignoring all the red flags bunting and getting back together.

I ended up a nervous wreck, living with him, trying desperately to cling on to the fairytale, believing his bullshit excuses for being away shagging because eventually he drove me insane with his EA and gas lighting.

If I'd have had mn in 2002 I would have been told to run, as you are now. Please, save yourself the pain. You won't heal old wounds, you will just create new ones with this man.

At best, he is a narcissist, personally my money is on sociopath and he is bad news.

Run, very fast, and don't look back. Please.

Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 09/02/2015 10:29

Cattheifkeith

"ou won't heal old wounds, you will just create new ones with this man."

The penny has dropped.

I've deleted him in every way I can. And I'm going to sit on the sofa and have a good cry, Sadand then get my hair done.

OP posts:
brightreddress · 09/02/2015 10:37

Hurray! Make sure you cry a lot so that you can reach the numbness on the other side! You will see -- he is a wanker! Also, think about all the lovely men out there you can meet instead. OP seriously it's not like your early 20s... there are quite a few excellent lovers who don't have to be bastards too out there.

CatThiefKeith · 09/02/2015 10:37

Well done.

I still beat myself up for being stupid enough to let him destroy me twice, 15 years apart, even though I now have a lovely dh and dd.

Going back won't give you closure for the first time, walk away now, and remember that when he came sniffing this time you weren't that gullible young girl anymore, you were bigger, stronger, brighter and sent him off with a flea in his ear.

Get angry. How bloody dare he try to pull you in to all that old bollocks again, how dare he think you are stupid enough to fall for it twice? Does he really think you'd put you and your children (and his) second to his ego?

Nah, he doesn't know you anymore, you are far cleverer than him, you've seen straight through him. Walk away with your head held high and a wry smile on your lips.

There's your closure, right there. Wink

JohnFarleysRuskin · 09/02/2015 10:39

I hope you stick with it.

I don't doubt he knows he's a twat. You were the one who thought he was a special, misunderstood twat instead of just a twat twat.

Do arrange some nice, lovely things for yourself. Films, friends, walking, whatever. In this space, a really nice and normal man may appear...

brightreddress · 09/02/2015 10:54

People with no morals can sometimes be very magnetic, it's not your fault. I wonder how old you are because it is true that some people cling very tightly to the idea of true love in a disney sense and this may be your time to see that actually the most happy in love people have worked bloody hard to build something up through repeated everyday decency.

If you feel like going back to him imagine how you'd feel if your daughter were in this situation when she's older.

Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 09/02/2015 11:09

I am old enough to know a lot lot better.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 11:15

Knowing it and doing it are two different things. But you can do this.

jasper · 09/02/2015 12:19

bloody hell, at your other thread.
first class bastard

flatbellyfella · 09/02/2015 12:58

Well done Leigh , hold your head high, chest out, onward & upward from now on. You can do this.

spooktrain · 09/02/2015 13:24

You know you are doing the right thing, it's just going to be hard.

If and when you waver, read back through this thread and the old one. If it was one of your friends in this situation you'd know what advice to give....

take care Flowers Cake Wine

Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 09/02/2015 16:25

Thank you, all.

Back to the twatty behaviour list:
We were living together, it was my birthday the following day. His sister and brother in law had come to stay and we were discussing our wedding, where his mother would sit, what do do with his pesky auntie etc. I went to bed not unreasonably expecting sparklers the next day. Instead, he dumped me. Said we had no future together whatsoever, and I should move out ASAP. Confused I asked him WTF was the convo the night before, with his sister, about our wedding. He said it was about HIS wedding, not our wedding, was entirely hypothetical and e could talk about burying me under the patio and he wouldn't be doing that either.
My heart shattered, and I left. I'd blocked out a lot of that till now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 16:27
Shock
rumred · 09/02/2015 17:14

Just adding my support to you op. Congratulations on dumping his sorry arse. Weeping and gin can sometimes help. Hope you're ok

brightreddress · 09/02/2015 18:06
Shock
brightreddress · 09/02/2015 18:06

Could you stick a big red flag on his head so that other women can avoid him?

simonettavespucci · 09/02/2015 18:10

Shock that's spectacular!

bobby100 · 09/02/2015 18:16

Yes x 1000 to brightreddress' suggestion. This one is an absolute menace.

But you're now sounding quite rightly pissed off. Good on you X

Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 09/02/2015 18:19

My friend's brother is a priest and when I told him about the wedding thing he called him "fucking lame."

OP posts:
simonettavespucci · 09/02/2015 18:24

I thought that was going to be 'and when I told him about it he offered to exorcise him'!

Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 09/02/2015 19:31

Bad innit?

We both had company cars abd he said that his company didn't allow spuses and partners to drive them whereas mine did. I didn't believe him and have since realised that's a lie.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeighHalfpennyisagod · 09/02/2015 20:20

Just found this, which has chilled me.
""He will choose you, disarm you with his words, and control you with his presence. He will delight you with his wit and his plans. He will show you a good time, but you will always get the bill. He will smile and deceive you, and he will scare you with his eyes. And when he is through with you, and he will be through with you, he will desert you and take with him your innocence and your pride. You will be left much sadder but not a lot wiser, and for a long time you will wonder what happened and what you did wrong. And if another of his kind comes knocking at your door, will you open it?"

Re the car thing, that was replacent cos it meant we always used my car. And when it was off the road one christmas he said he'd drive me to midnight service, but then got drunk and wouldn't let me drive his car, so I missed it. And yet he knew I was insured.
The following week he'd had a drink again despite him driving and said that I could drive as apparently I was insured if he was sitting next to me. Just bullshit, changing rules, inflexible in the extreme and entirely self serving.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 20:23

Where did you find that passage, Leigh ? It sounds like the definition of a psychopath.

Angleshades · 09/02/2015 20:37

Oh OP what a sad thread Flowers. I'm so sorry you're feeling so drawn to this horrible man. He sounds utterly horrific. Nothing about him sounds nice at all. Please find the strength to stay away from him.

I really hope that one day very soon you meet someone truly special who sweeps you off your feet for the right reasons. Then hopefully you can look back on this one day and think 'gosh and to think I almost went back there!!!!'