Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know how much longer I can carry on like this.

441 replies

messyoldmess · 20/10/2006 22:10

I made the tough decision to end my marriage around 5 months ago.
My H had temper & control issues & I tried everything I could to make things better, but nothing worked & I finally accepted that we needed to go our seperate ways.
H seemed to go along with it all at the time & told me he was moving in with a friend in a couple of weeks. It never happened, as H came up with lots of silly excuses as to why it was not sensible. He said he would not leave until our house sold.
We are now nearly 5 months down the line & I feel we are in limbo land. Nothing seems to have moved on & he is still getting to me.
Our house has not sold & I am starting to go out of my mind.
I have had a few people suggest I look into renting somewhere, but I don't know if that would affect my position re the house & divorce etc.
I can't carry on like this for much longer.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/11/2006 16:07

I am trying, FIT, but often don't feel very strong!

OP posts:
fransmom · 27/11/2006 20:38

that's what we're here for! to tell you that you are doing right by your boys and yourself and tell everyone else to take a hike.

this thread has been running a month so that just shows you that you can keep going, just by taking one small step at a time - even if you do feel as though you are taking several leaps backwards. every day is a day closer to the time when you will be free of all this crap that he is giving you. love fm x

Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/11/2006 20:51

The support I receive on MN is what keeps me going & stops me from totally crumbling.
I was just thinking today, that it has been nearly 2 years since I started my very first thread about the troubles in my relationship. So much has happened since then, but it has taken me that long to get to the point I am today.
If it wasn't for the support I have received from MN'ers, who have made me see things differently, I would have probably caved in totally by now.

OP posts:
tribpot · 27/11/2006 20:53

Oh MOM If I could learn kung fu like Keanu does in The Matrix I would come round and seriously slap your H around good and proper. How dare he act like such a bastard to your children? Thank god you are leaving this man, what would an entire childhood of "hurry up, tidy obsessively or daddy will leave you behind" do to them?

When you are settled in your own home with them, ds and I will come around and show you what a 'normal' household looks like after a couple of hours

fransmom · 27/11/2006 20:56

it takes a big person to talk to complete stangers about the way they are feeling. i never used to talk to anyone about how i was feeling - kept it all bottled up and it made me ill. i am so glad that you can talk on here because it means you are not bottling everything up. everything you dreamed of (well, hopefully everything!) will come to you in good time - just like a pint of guiness!

Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/11/2006 20:58

It certainly reinforced in my head just why I am going throughthis, tribpot.
He says that he now feels bad & that it will live with him forever.

OP posts:
fransmom · 27/11/2006 21:00

he's a cheeky sod.he shopuld have treated you like you the way you deserved and the way he promised when he married you. has your solicitor said anything about "breach of promise"?
if ever you feel down just think of your boys faces when he said that and that will fire you up. fm x

tribpot · 27/11/2006 21:01

Big footling deal, MOM. (Footle is a word a friend and I are using instead of fk currently).

Of course we all on occasion are a bit short-tempered with our children, that's just how it is. But what he did was malicious, and planned, and he just didn't give a shit. Those lovely boys deserve better than that.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/11/2006 21:05

I agree. Seeing both my boys watching as his car drove away & crying immediately, was so heartbreaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/11/2006 21:10

The thing is, according to mum & H I am not a nice person!
My mum thinks I don't thank her for things enough & told me I wasn't very nice. H has agreed & asked me when I was last nice.
I wanted to say that I was nice to the boys, but knew he would think of a time I lost my patience, so I didn't comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/11/2006 21:21

My solicitor hasn't spoken about the "breach of promise" yet.

OP posts:
fransmom · 27/11/2006 21:46

the thing is mom, when i was growing up we were told to respect your elders but when we grew older ourselves, we realised that respect is a two way street. why should you be nice when no-one is to you? i realise that may not be setting a good example but you can't please all the people all the time and i would love to meet your mother in the street and tell her to stop bullying you. it shouldn't even be in school playgrounds and neither should it occur in adult life. and balderdash to anyone who says that that kind of criticism is character building - it isn't.
you are doing one hell of a job mom and i am proud of you for what you have achieved so far x

fransmom · 27/11/2006 21:47

maybe you could mention it to them next time you see them?

Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/11/2006 21:58

Thanks, FM. I am feeling very low tonight. The thought of Christmas is really depressing me atm.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/11/2006 22:05

H went out & spent £300 on clothes for himself to make up for not buying me a Christmas present this year!

OP posts:
divastrop · 27/11/2006 22:05

hi,mom,i have been away from mn for a while due to moving house and just thought id see how things are going for you.
im sorry to hear your h is still being a total arse,and your mother is still being a cow,but you are still being strong and i get the feeling you are going to hit breaking point very soon....i know when i got to that point with my xh i was determined i wasnt going back to my house while he was still there,no matter what.i spent the day going round solicitors etc and i was even prepared to go to a hostel or something rather than spend another day in the same house as him.

you are doing so well,i really hope you and your boys have a lovely christmas-just the three of you!

Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/11/2006 22:10

Thanks, DS. I try to keep with it & carry on as normal, but it is all getting on top of me so much & I feel like my head is about to explode with it all!

OP posts:
tribpot · 27/11/2006 22:55

Oh - Merry Xmas! Can you 'accidentally' spill some red wine/bleach on them?! (I assume he's not put a penny towards his own children's Xmas presents)

Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/11/2006 22:59

I have paid out for all the boys presents, as usual.
He bought a very plain looking zip up sweater for £150!! He also bought a top, trainers & jeans for himself & claims it was to make up for not buying anything for me!!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/11/2006 23:01

Christmas would be easier if he wasn't still here under my nose!

OP posts:
fransmom · 28/11/2006 20:46

how much? how on earth can he justify that??????????

just an idea.how about you pack him off to your parents for the holidays then you spend it with your boys at home in a lovely atmosphere.

tribpot · 28/11/2006 21:06

"I earn the money, it is up to me how I choose to spend it"

(am channeling the spirit of MOM's H).

As MOM knows, in my house I earn the money, and I do not act like a complete arse as a result. I think there's a lesson there!

300 quid on himself, like he couldn't have wondered if his gorgeous children might like some of that. He so does not deserve to have those lovely boys in his life - not that you would ever deprive him of them, MOM, but really.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 28/11/2006 21:15

Something like that, tribpot! He said it was just the right kind of sweater & he was treating himself to make up for the fact he isn't buying fo me this Christmas!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 28/11/2006 21:18

He also bought a £45 polo shirt, a £90 pair of trainers & a pair of jeans.
I wonder where all this money is coming from.

OP posts:
fransmom · 28/11/2006 21:20

if you find the receipts make copies of them and put the originals somewhere that he might have moved them to then he can't blame you or your boys. then post them to your solicitor saying how come if he can't afford a,b,c - then how come he can afford to go to (insert shop names) and buy x,y,z?