Don't know how much longer I can carry on like this.

[messyoldmess]

I made the tough decision to end my marriage around 5 months ago.
My H had temper & control issues & I tried everything I could to make things better, but nothing worked & I finally accepted that we needed to go our seperate ways.
H seemed to go along with it all at the time & told me he was moving in with a friend in a couple of weeks. It never happened, as H came up with lots of silly excuses as to why it was not sensible. He said he would not leave until our house sold.
We are now nearly 5 months down the line & I feel we are in limbo land. Nothing seems to have moved on & he is still getting to me.
Our house has not sold & I am starting to go out of my mind.
I have had a few people suggest I look into renting somewhere, but I don't know if that would affect my position re the house & divorce etc.
I can't carry on like this for much longer.

I will have a search for them, FM. I bet he will have them in his drawer or somewhere.

be careful tho mom, i don't want you to get any hassle. it's an idea to post hem to your sol in case he contest anything at the mo. how you feeling tonight?

Oh, I will be careful, I am always v cautious. I will look while he is on a 12 hour shift & photocopy them at work...that's if I find them!

I have been a little down today, but am kind of ok.

Have my HV coming round to see me tomorrow. Thankfully H will be at work, but he doesn't seem impressed that she's still visiting & has tried to tell me that she is only coming round so that she can gossip about me!!

Agree with trib (hi trib - am sort-of back - will be in touch soon ). I too earn the money in our house, and wouldn't blimming dream of spending that much on myself, let alone to make some kind of point What am immature a*se your H is.

Hang in there - soon you'll be free of his perniciousness. If you want to chat off-board about parent issues, e.g. how to live with possible estrangement, then please CAT me. (I haven't paid the charge and as I live in Germany am too lazy/stressed/busy to get my head around the admin involved in paying - spose I should, though).

Thanks, FIT, I may well CAT you.

Received a very early Christmas card from my mum today, with the words "To both of you" on the front. I think they are in some kind of denial.

Hi messy things still sound as hard as ever. Will email you as cant speak here! take care

Hi, GF, hope you are ok.

Oh messy. I feel exhausted just reading what you are going through. I'm soooo angry at your H for treating your boys so unkindly and then going out and spending a fortune on himself. I cannot believe how selfish he is being on to of everything else. How your parents can possible send you the card you mentioned, I have no idea. Have they always been so unsupportive of you, or is it just this business with your H?

(Thanksgiving was as miserable as expected but DS had a great time. MIL rang to ask if we had a lovely time and was surprised when I said no! SHe keeps asking if things are better. Think she really expects this all to blow over. If only...)

Anyway - sending you {{hugs}}

I don't know, mamama - I guess they cannot really take in why I'm doing what I'm doing & really don't want it to happen. They think a lot of H (particulary my dad) & I guess I cannot expect too much support from them, as I am going against what they want me to do.

Sorry to hear that Thanksgiving was tough for you. This time of year is pretty tough on the emotions at times like this isn't it?

HV has just left. She thinks I should look to rent, yet my solicitor didn't seen to reccomend I do this. I am feeling very confused!

You poor old thing. Whatever your parents feelings about your H, you are their daughter.

At least you know you are doing the right thing and that you can do this without their help.

Hang on in there.

I'd try to go with what your solicitor says, if you can bear it. Maybe you can check with him - why does he think it a bad idea for you to move out? I know over here, the person who leaves risks forfeiting their claim on the house but things are different in the UK. All the advice I was given was not to go anywhere until the bitter end. Maybe if the HV and/ or your GP thinks it is in your best interest that is different. Sorry I am not much help!

Agreed. Your HV is thinking of what is best for you in the short-term, i.e. to improve your living situation and that of your boys. But she's not an expert in divorce law or finances, I think you need to follow your solicitor.

It is so confusing. She says that things haven't moved on much in the last 6 months (which I know) & that I could still be in the house in another 6 months time if it doesn't sell. She thinks the only way I can free myself is to find somewhere to rent & that I am allowing them to continue to control me if I stay.
She says she is concerned about the damage this will end up doing to my mental health & that it will start affecting the boys.
I just don't know what to do for the best. I guess I need to stay put as my solicitor advises, but the thought of months & months of this is unbearable.

Perhaps it'd be easier if your solicitor sat down and explained what the two options might mean for you. Whilst your HV is thinking of what's best for your mental health, he's thinking of what's best for your financial health, and you can only judge which one is more important if you have all the facts.

I assume that right now, nothing will happen until mediation is finished with and divorce proceedings start. You need to know from your solicitor what the worst case scenario is; H is not going to go without a fight, and I don't think your solicitor wants the house sale to be done before divorce proceedings start, does he?

No he doesn't, tribpot. I am seeing him on the 7th to get all that started.

Divorce doesn't have to wait until you have finished mediation. You can start divorce proceedings (have you given your solicitor that list of unreasonable behaviour yet???) and then use mediation to try to sort out finances and childcare.

Oh MoM, what a carry on.
he is sucha bastard.
And he's only saying it to twist the knife and wind you up - 'buying clothes to make up for not buying you a present' - what ninsense! He's just finding every opportunity.

Of course, like your HV, we all wish you to be out of this damn man's shadow quicker than quick - but I expect it is better to take your solicitor's advice. Could your HV write a report saying she thinks being in the house with your emotionally abusive H is damaging to your mental health? It might make things move a bit faster!

Did you tell your HV about the childcare issue when you had to cancel the mediation appt?

x-posted with freckle.
That's interesting!
Get your solicitor to instigate divorce proceedings immediately / as soon as a letter can be sent / last week!

Was going to give my solicitor the list when I go & see him next Thursday. I made the appt for this reason & it was the soonest they could fit me in. Am very scared though.

I did tell my HV about the childcare issue which led to me cancelling my mediation appt. I also told her that I had been to see my gp.

Of course you're scared, Messy. It's a very big thing that you're about to do. It's frightening and stressful but will lead to far better things for you. I know how hard it is to see it now (and it's amazing how easy it is to type this to you knowing that I feel the same way you do [sheepish grin] ).Keep reminding yourself how much better life will be for you and the boys when this is all sorted.

Take some deep breaths - you're doing the right thing & it will be ok in the end. This is the worst bit.

Hi Messy, I haven't read all of the thread. I really think you should issue divorce proceedings asap because although naturally you seem to be floundering a bit you seem absolutely certain that your marriage is over.

If you start the procededings you will have something to focus on and also feel more in control.

Is there anything stopping you that I've missed?

sorry Messy, just read a bit more!

don't worry too much about what's in the list. People get very worried about unreasonable behaviour divorce petitions but the truth is that they are only a means to an end in most cases as you won't get a divorce by simply saying that you don't get on together any more. You're best off keeping it simple and listing 5 or 6 brief examples of bad behaviour, together with dates if you can remember. Try to think of birthdays or Christmases if you are struggling with the dates.It can be really mild things, such as "he forgot my birthday" or "always refused to get on with my mother", in fact most of us could probably divorce our dhs for unreasonable behaviour ten times over1

I would keep it mild and brief as there's no point in exacerbating matters. the only people who normally read these petitions are district judges sitting in their offices.

If dh doesn't agree with it and says he won't sign then you simply file a statement at the court saying that he has received the petition and won't sign it - the court usually just carries on the divorce without him.

Just start the ball roliing; you will feel so much better.

Thanks, zookeeper. It is reassuring to read that it is only district judges who read the list.
One of my biggest worries about starting the divorce is him receiving the letter, possibly stating examples of his unreasonable behaviour & him going mad about it. I am very relieved that examples of his unreasonable behaviour won't be included in the letter.

Hi mamama, hope you're ok.