Was on the verge of telling DH I've had enough this weekend. I havent, but I am getting increasingly fed up.

[FrustratedWithDH]

Me and DH have been together for over 14 years, married for over 11 years, 2 DCs. I was only 18 when we got together And it was my first relationship (just giving some background /overview).

He is a good husband and a good dad. However I am getting so fed up. Sometimes I feel our relationship ran it's course a long time ago. If we didn't have children I don't know if we would still be together but I am not one to walk away for nothing and it is petty things really but it's building up real resentment on my part.

I am a SAHM due to ill health. DH works full time so I do the household stuff. He does the dishes each have day, takes bins out, bathes DCS, helps or gets them ready for bed. Anything else I do need to ask to be done. There will be much huffing and puffing. It won't be done first time I ask, it will get left, until I ask again, then again. Then he'll do it but be stroppy about it, by which time I am just pissed off. Other times I give up asking and start doing it myself. I tell him it's too late as I'm doing it now so he huffs and puffs about it. I have to ask him to do ANYTHING. Pile of washing to go up, it will sit there for days unless I specify ask, stuff on the stairs, he'll step over, unless I ask. Decorating to be done, no chance of him ever doing it off his own back. I have to nag to get it done then he'll huff and puff about it (he does a good job of it which is why I want him to do it, i'd mess it up and my health means I cantl do much anyway).

Weekend's he gets up with the kids, great. But they are never dressed or ready. If I want him to do it I have to tell him the night before. He'll never brush DDs hair unless I ask him. It means if we do go out on weekends, we never get out until after lunch as kids or him won't be ready. All paperwork, organising any household stuff is down to me. I am better at it and will get it done but he literally has to do nothing apart from answer some questions I may have. If it's something he needs to find out, I have to keep reminding him to get the info as he won't do it else.

He never takes the initiative with anything. If I ever ask his opinion on what we should do/choose I get "I don't know" or he just shrugs. Every single decision is down to me, which sometimes suits me fine but other times i'd like some input.

I have told him before, it gets better for a while then goes back to the same again. He knows I am getting fed up. He ignores problems and pretends they aren't there. The discussion of DC 3 has been on and off and last night I actually told him i'm too pissed off to consider it at the moment. He just said nothing (as usual). This is something I find massively frustrating. If he doesn't agree or doesn't like what he is hearing, he just says absolutely nothing at all. I have to remind d him I have spoken and i'm waiting for an answer.

I don't think he is aware how bad it is. He is doing his usual burying his head but since yesterday I noticed he is talking more instead of sitting in silence (I can be bad for this too as I'm usually just tired by evenings), doing the odd thing without me saying. DS' s birthday was Saturday and we had banners and stuff up. I got up late Sunday morning and they were all still there. He said it does matter and they an all just stay there for a week u til dds birthday! It's this sort of thing that pisses me off because it's purely be a use he can't be bothered, which then means I end up doing it and getting resentful.

Any advice/help is welcome please. Kind of at the end of my tether.

Last paragraph should say "it doesn't matter and they can all stay there for a week until dds birthday" and "it's purely because he can't be bothered"

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If DH does the dishes, bathes children, puts them to bed, does the decorating, puts the bins out, moves washing around etc etc AND works full time - you sound like you are onto a good thing.

I am sorry to hear you are not well, but I think you are actually quite lucky to have someone that WILL do all the things you cannot do - even if he needs a push to do them.

If you were capable of taking down the banners, then why did you not just do it? Why did you have to ask him to do it for you?

I think you need to be more appreciative rather than grumpy. It could be a lot worse.

What is your health problem? Are you disabled, and do you get all help you can get?

Sounds almost as if he can do nothing right in your eyes, it doesn't sound as if you have much fun together either. Doesn't sound like he is supportive enough of your illness/disability.

Bit of give and take at both sides?

Has it occurred to you he may feel the same way about the relationship as you? Maybe you both want to call it a day?

Sounds likes he does loads to me. I feel a bit sorry for him to be honest. Can't you get some help in if you can't cope?

I've got one of those too, they are incredibly difficult to live with. How do you communicate effectively with somebody that will not respond? It ends up with me building up loads of resentment which sounds so similar to you OP. Mine is also a naturally negative person (which I tend to pull him up on all the time, probably wrongly but it drives me nuts). I do adore him but sometimes feel as though he's turned into Victor Meldrew (or whatever his name is). Any suggestions would also be very gratefully received. In the meantime OP you have my sympathy!

It's a difficult one because he is doing some stuff but not others. He clearly doesn't like being asked to do things.

I think you need a clear chore list so you both have your allocated tasks.

I do wonder why on earth you're considering a third child OP? If you're ill, and you're struggling to get him to do stuff as it is, that's only going to get worse with an extra child. You're both going to get more tired and have more chores.

You also have to consider, if you get too fed up with him and the relationship doesn't work out, could you cope as a single mum to 3 children? How would you cope practically, how would you cope financially?

Op, as others have said, it sounds like he does loads.

You sound depressed to me, as if little things are getting on top of you (and they ARE little things). Doctor? Also, if he has definite jobs to do, perhaps with a tick list, then you don't have to nag - he just does some jobs, and you do others.

I think maybe you're micro-managing everything - maybe because it makes you feel in control of things, perhaps because your illness makes you feel out of control of much of your life?

Things like the banners still being up - honestly, that's no big deal and why on earth can't they stay up if there's another birthday in a week?

And I do wonder if DH is withdrawing because he feels he can't do anything right? Statements like Every single decision is down to me, which sometimes suits me fine but other times i'd like some input suggest that it's hard for him to know what you want.

Do you feel ok in yourself? Do you think you may be depressed? Are you happy being a SAHM - is that a choice you would have made if you weren't unwell?

Not sure its ok just because it could be worse?! The point surely is to ask if tasks are fairly divided - that's not entirely straightforward as OP has some limitations on what she can do. My DH does nothing unless asked apart from load the dishwasher and take rubbish out although he will lift heavy things which I can't do and does do minor repairs on the car, changes fuses etc. If asked.

We both work about 30 hours a week and on a Sunday morning for example I will get up do breakfast, planning for homework, taking dog out, sort out what housework needs doing, deal with bills and paperwork, do 2 loads of washing, spend time with the children, administer dog tablets, put the vacuum round etc. In that time, he will eat breakfast and use the internet. That's it. Later he'll have a sleep on the sofa till about 3pm, then want lunch, have a shower and load the dishwasher. By then he's exhausted and like yesterday, I asked him to put some small items in the loft he refused to do it until nearly 5pm and then only if I helped him, it was the end of the world, groaning walking up the stairs etc. Then straight back on the sofa waiting for dinner.

Every weekend he assumes that his time will be entirely his own; we've been married 25+ years, its not going to get better. Have you read "Wifework"? At least you'll feel vindicated!

Sorry if I've got this wrong but you are considering having another child but you cant even manage to brush your DD's hair?

If you don't mind me asking what health issues do you have? Can you get any external help? I only ask because I am a sahm with kidney and pituitary problems and a severely underactive thyroid and your dh does a lot more than mine but it's not a source of contention for us. I can't remember the last time I ever had a lie in to be honest but we both work hard in our own way and dh does his fair share with the kids so really with him working full time that's all I expect from him and consider the house my stuff.

BurningBridges - why do you put up with that?! And for so long!

You need a thread gf.

Burning bridges that is awful. As someone who needs a lot of sleep myself and still manages not to fall asleep during the day I would not tolerate a grown man (or woman) clonking out on me while I carried on. Fuck that. If you're both working nearly full time you both need to be doing the same at home.

DS' s birthday was Saturday and we had banners and stuff up. I got up late Sunday morning and they were all still there.

lol, you don't ask for much do you?
You get a lie in and then criticise him for something which you could have done had you not been in bed.
Also you list a huge list of things he does and then say you have to ask him to do other things.
So what? It sounds like he does lots and you just want more.

Im currently feeling very unwell see thread so I can understand it must be fustrating when you can't do things yourself. I would love my dh to blitz the housr and put the washing away but he works f/t, we have 4 dcs he does alotx

I was reading your OP and thinking "her DH sounds just like mine, and I think it works well in our house" Horses for courses I suppose. And I dont have any disabilities which will, of course, be adding to your burden.

We have also been together 11 years and got together at 18.

Is it possible you are fallingout of love with him and his ways are becoming annoyances?

MoreShabby I did not say I couldn't brush my dds hair at all. What frustrates me is he will never do it unless I say to him "dds hair needs brushing". It's getting quite long, it gets tangled, it needs brushing in the morning when he gets up with her. It's no something that I should need to remind him about after a few years. If I didn't mention it, he just would never do it.

Just because I am a SAHM I don't see why nearly everything down to even thinking should be my responsibility.

He doesn't do anything with the washing, I don't know where that came from to whoever posted it. The washing can sit for days in the basket after I have folded it, waiting to go upstairs. Unless I specifically say, he would never take it up, or put DCs clothes away. Everything is down to me.

We don't redecorate much and I help with it where I can so I don't count that as something he regularly does. I have mentioned several times about doing DCs rooms as we have all of the stuff but he just sighs every time. Dishes and bins, yes it's great but given everything else, it's not a lot. We got DS a second hand bike for his birthday and it needed a bit of cleaning. I had to keep reminding him and he huffed every time. If I didn't it would have got to last thing the night before his birthday until he realised the cleaning fairies hadn't done it and he would have huffed about having to do it then.

Banners, what so the fact they were around for about 4 hours whilst he sat in the room is no big deal. Because it's ok, i'll come along and do it all, like I always do. Nothing gets tidied unless I do it. Everything gets dumped somewhere then he'll constantly be looking for stuff. Everything does have a place. I have to keep things tidy because it would end up being a mammoth task if I didn't keep on top of it.

Didn't mean to hijack. I think "D"H has mental health issues which is why I've always been worried about tackling him - he seems to believe he is doing the lions share and he never tires of telling me he is "entitled to rest and recreation". I can tell you some eye-watering stories - for example, if there is a pile of folded washing on the bed waiting to be put into our drawers, he will carefully get into bed under the pile rather than move it to the drawers. That level of fuckwittery. But am also aware that although its comedy gold, it makes me look like an idiot for putting up with it.

We both have health problems meaning we are reliant on each other for personal help, I hate that but hey ho, it has to be done. Also we owe so much money that we need both wages to service the debt, not enough equity in house etc. I know it needs sorting.

But anyway, I am still very sympathetic to OP, even though I don't think her banner example was maybe the best, I can certainly understand where she's coming from. It doesn't sound like he does a fair share. I think we need OP back to expand. As you were.

Sorry - cross posted! Op has expanded!!

I am a SAHM due to disability, although my DCs are older, so I know how hard it can be. We have also been together since a young age.

It can also be very very hard on partners, I think I feel the opposite to you as I don't want to burden DH too much, it can be very stressful being sole earner (I know because I did it for years) and I'm aware that I can't do a lot of the hard graft at home. He also worries about me and we have the opposite in that he tells me to stop doing so much, so there can be all kinds of complications! The most important thing is we both try and be kind to each other.

As everyone else said, it doesn't sound as though he isn't pulling his weight, he actually sounds like he does quite a lot but the problem is it's not up to your speed and standard?

Being kind I would speculate that maybe you feel like this as things are out of your control? Can you say a little bit more about your health problems as people may well be able to give better advice.

It sounds to me as though he is withdrawing from you, I'm sorry. Of course one post doesn't tell the whole story and there may well be other issues, would you both consider any relationship counselling to address these with specialist help?

Cross posted but I think I would still reply the same. What are his working hours like?

supernaut "so what"? How incredibly rude of you. Yes I just want want want all of the time. Clearly it's something that is bothering me or I wouldn't have posted. Oh and "you get a lie in" it's not because I fancy more sleep, to laze around in bed, i'm not well, on the go all week and I need to catch up on some rest, especially if we are going to take DCs out.

FYI, being a SAHM doesn't bother me. I would like to have done that anyway. I also expect to do most things in the house and I am house proud and like it clean and tidy, which I do. I do not expect to have to constantly ask again and again and get huffed at for everything. Eg, we need to update our Wills. We needed info about DHs relative. I asked him to text her to find out as I was filling in the forms. He said he would do it later. I know too well what would happen, he would forget, he always does. I had to ask him another 3 times to do it before he did it. I shouldn't have to do this every time.

Yes he does do a lot but when I go to the effort (and it is with my illness) to keep a clean and tidy home for us all to enjoy, his tea on the table when he walks in, clothes aways washed and dried, all admin taken care of, I don't think it's to much to expect not to have stuff dumped down and it to be huffed at because he won't think for himself that our children need to get dressed so we can go out. When I then have to do it after I am up and ready, it takes more of my energy so i'm already on the back foot before we'very even left the house. In general he is supportive of my illness.

I agree with the others,he works full time,let you have lie ins in his days off,does the dishes every day,bathes the children every day,puts them to bed,get the bins out.and you complain about a banner left up the next morning.you might have a point about him dumping stuff around,but he might listen more to that if maybe you didn't nag him about small details?