Was on the verge of telling DH I've had enough this weekend. I havent, but I am getting increasingly fed up.

[FrustratedWithDH]

Me and DH have been together for over 14 years, married for over 11 years, 2 DCs. I was only 18 when we got together And it was my first relationship (just giving some background /overview).

He is a good husband and a good dad. However I am getting so fed up. Sometimes I feel our relationship ran it's course a long time ago. If we didn't have children I don't know if we would still be together but I am not one to walk away for nothing and it is petty things really but it's building up real resentment on my part.

I am a SAHM due to ill health. DH works full time so I do the household stuff. He does the dishes each have day, takes bins out, bathes DCS, helps or gets them ready for bed. Anything else I do need to ask to be done. There will be much huffing and puffing. It won't be done first time I ask, it will get left, until I ask again, then again. Then he'll do it but be stroppy about it, by which time I am just pissed off. Other times I give up asking and start doing it myself. I tell him it's too late as I'm doing it now so he huffs and puffs about it. I have to ask him to do ANYTHING. Pile of washing to go up, it will sit there for days unless I specify ask, stuff on the stairs, he'll step over, unless I ask. Decorating to be done, no chance of him ever doing it off his own back. I have to nag to get it done then he'll huff and puff about it (he does a good job of it which is why I want him to do it, i'd mess it up and my health means I cantl do much anyway).

Weekend's he gets up with the kids, great. But they are never dressed or ready. If I want him to do it I have to tell him the night before. He'll never brush DDs hair unless I ask him. It means if we do go out on weekends, we never get out until after lunch as kids or him won't be ready. All paperwork, organising any household stuff is down to me. I am better at it and will get it done but he literally has to do nothing apart from answer some questions I may have. If it's something he needs to find out, I have to keep reminding him to get the info as he won't do it else.

He never takes the initiative with anything. If I ever ask his opinion on what we should do/choose I get "I don't know" or he just shrugs. Every single decision is down to me, which sometimes suits me fine but other times i'd like some input.

I have told him before, it gets better for a while then goes back to the same again. He knows I am getting fed up. He ignores problems and pretends they aren't there. The discussion of DC 3 has been on and off and last night I actually told him i'm too pissed off to consider it at the moment. He just said nothing (as usual). This is something I find massively frustrating. If he doesn't agree or doesn't like what he is hearing, he just says absolutely nothing at all. I have to remind d him I have spoken and i'm waiting for an answer.

I don't think he is aware how bad it is. He is doing his usual burying his head but since yesterday I noticed he is talking more instead of sitting in silence (I can be bad for this too as I'm usually just tired by evenings), doing the odd thing without me saying. DS' s birthday was Saturday and we had banners and stuff up. I got up late Sunday morning and they were all still there. He said it does matter and they an all just stay there for a week u til dds birthday! It's this sort of thing that pisses me off because it's purely be a use he can't be bothered, which then means I end up doing it and getting resentful.

Any advice/help is welcome please. Kind of at the end of my tether.

The thread title proves that the OP is all about control and game playing in my opinion. I have no time for people that do that. She was going to tell her DH that she'd had enough, even though she hasn't? What's the point in that - to frighten him into being compliant?

Did we ever find out what illness the OP has? I skipped most of the thread.

You sound exhausted (which obviously you are with your illness) and I get the feeling that seeing the stuff your DH hasn't done and ultimately you have to do or ask him to do makes you even more tired. You're probably stuck in a lot too which makes you see it all the time and your efforts so quickly undone.
Very frustrating.
Since I started ft work and DH took up more of the child care/house stuff I notice things far less and he does more. Gaining initiative takes time and experience and when you become efficient you can forget other people can't read your mind. He's not you. He doesn't care about the house as much as you do. It's normal to put off tedious jobs like updating wills.
I would suggest getting over the pain of asking him to do things. Ask him at the right time eg as he is tripping over the washing, to take it up, oh and put it away please my love and then be grateful. Specify what to do.
Yes it's his washing too but everyone thrives with gratitude and love, it's free.
Another thing is think about how many times you ask him to suggest an activity only for it to be wrong? Or too tiring for you? Is it really too hard for you to make those choices and then you can do something within your timeframe/budget/energy levels. It's actually more tiring hoping/waiting for someone else to do something sometimes.
I so hope you feel better soon.

Jesus RaisingMen RTFT

You have been given a hard time here OP. If your DH was a better communicator and didn't stonewall you I suspect you would be more content with him. If you were able to approach life as a team your problems would be solved.

Chronic illnesses with fatigue are shitty, shitty things. They can leave you too much in your head, with a small life focussed on the house and kids. It is very easy to over think and feel frustrated with the small things.

There has been some horribly disablist posters on here. Awful.

I'm sorry OP but whether you like or accept it or not, you sound like very hard work.

Instead of being defensive and convinced you are in the right maybe you need to step back and see how you come across to your DH. Demanding, critical and never happy no matter what he does. No wonder he is disengaged.

I think you would both be crazy to consider another child.

You need to get some help for your OCD and not stress out over the things that don't matter, like brushing hair and banners. Stress makes CFS worse. Plait DDs hair at night then it doesn't get tangled. Use detangler. Have a short nap in the day when the kids at school.

It's unfair to have high standards in the house and expect someone else to strive in the same way to maintain them. I feel sorry for both of you but your DH is doing his fair share, just try to cut back on your workload by not doing unnecessary stuff.

The op stated in original post that she believes the relationship has run its course and that if they didn't have kids she would have left, which leads me to believe that she only wants the poor bloke for help around the house and help with the kids, no mention of love at all so if she really has no love for him she should let him know and release him to find someone who appreciates the fact that he can be a good husband and father, I feel so sorry for him

My mother has ME/CFS, Frustrated, I sympathise. The majority of people posting here have absolutely no clue.

Actually we all sympathise, its horrible for anyone for have any illness let alone something like ME/CFS. But does it explain her behaviour and attitude towards her husband (who presumably is also looking after OP as best he can)?

To be perfectly honest, if my husband behaved the way OP's husband does I'd be fucking irritated and I'm not ill. I understand that he's trying and he's doing better that some men, but having to ask him to do all but a very small subset of chores, and him not doing things when asked, would be exhausting to live with even if the OP wasn't ill.

OP I get what you are saying. I work ft, have two kids and do all of it - my husband works abroad Mon-Fri. Therefore I do everything weekdays myself.

But the physical stuff - that's easy compared to the "wife work" (Read the book all those sneering that hubby "did" do lots.) The thinking, planning, for everything, long term goals, finances, kids school stuff, holidays, pets, dentists, opticians, school meetings, parents evenings (I swear the staff must think my husband is a fantasy) etc etc that's all me too and I get fed up with that. On top of the physical stuff there is that whole other layer of life admin.

And if someone can't see or do the obvious physical stuff without prompting or rolling their eyes ffs, then what about all that other stuff thats not seen but also needs doing.

I had ME/CFS for 10 years so feel very qualified to say this.

I think you need to let go of everything,cleaning,standards,home made cakes, third child and the anger you understandably have from being so restricted by illness.
Only once I did this did I recover. Incredibly hard to do and I probably had to hit rock bottom health wise for it to happen. Had I listened to the good advice of others much sooner I probably could have had a longed for second child.

Your DH huffing and puffing is a separate issue and not acceptable in my book.
I wish you well OP.

Add message | Report | Message poster AlpacaMyBags Mon 02-Feb-15 20:25:00
I can't see how you could possibly cope with another child if you're unable to bring a washing basket up the stairs."

Christ on a bike. That's a nice treat to wake up to.

So what you're saying is, disabled people shouldn't have children. I became disabled since I had my DC, no I couldn't carry a washing basket up the stairs, what do you suggest I do - send them back up my foof, or put them into care?

Please can people think before they post shit like this.

Was it that bad a comment though? Everyone has to make careful decisions about whether they can cope with having another child financially, practically or emotionally. The op has 2 children and is struggling, so it's a valid point. She even said herself that it was her husband pushing for the third, not her.

Nobody said that disabled people shouldn't have children. As it happens both of my parents are disabled and always have been. They had to decide whether they should have children too. In the end they had 3 because they could manage without any outside help and they did a great job of it.

Can you think of ways to help him remember what needs doing - pin a menu plan to the fridge, so he knows what needs cooking, make a 'housework' list of tasks so he knows what you still need help with? Then you don't have to nag him all the time.

Christ on a bike. Is this person her partner or an infant-school child? And the word 'nag' is one of the nastiest misogynistic terms around. It's nearly always applied to women, not men, and all it means is 'ask something that shouldn't need to be asked in the first place, be ignored so feel compelled to ask again even though the askee is supposedly a grown-up.'

I wasn't going to come back but I see it's still going so I am going to have to respond now I have calmed down.

I go through these phases with my relationship. I can't help it and I will not apologise for how I feel. I was incredibly frustrated over the weekend. I was utterly exhausted after running around all week, sorting out 2 childrens birthdays and parties and sorting other bits of admin and arranging for stuff that is being done to the house. Coming down to find yet more stuff had been left for me pushed me over the edge. DH has clearly realised as he has sorted a couple of things without me having to ask too many times. He has also had a bit of an attitude change. I am also trying.

I was sat on my bed in tears over it. But to those posters who have just stuck the boot in, feel free to continue making me feel like shit. And as for the comments that DH is just waiting to leave me, I have actually never been so disgusted. MN at its bloody worst I feel. This is suppose to be a forum for support, this is relationships not AIBU where people can just be nasty for the sake of it. Have some constructive criticism (that I will listen to) or don't bother.

To those who get what CFS/ME can be like thank you. I am utterly disgusted at some of the posts. Why shouldn't I have children just because I have an illness that I cannot guarantee will ever get better. I am not struggling. Me not being able to take the washing basket up is not a regular occurance, it was an example. I manage well thank you for the conclusions that have been jumped to. I stick to a routine generally and I get rest some days and (god forbid and shock horror) I sleep later at weekends to make up for the 7.30 starts during the week that I find difficult. Or course I wish my life was different but it is what it is so I get on with it most of the time. Of course there will be times, usually when I am very tired, that it can get too much. Again I am not apologising for this.

I know I can be hard work and I think DH and me work well most of the time because we are opposites. Two like me or like him would not work. I am not the awful person that many posters on here think. I am someone who was at the end of her tether who was getting a kicking while she was down which still continued even after I pointed this out. If you attack, I will get utterly defensive. Again I am not going to apologise for this.

Most of the time I utterly accept that my tidiness is my problem, I just do it. However DH will never do it and if I dont keep on top of it it gets to the point where its a mammouth task to get it all done. Someone asked about when he was younger, he was very messy, he told me his bedroom at home had a path from the door to the bed to the TV and he just left it like that, he still would now if I didn't do it. To those saying just leave it, yes thats all well and good, except I just CANT. What someone said abour wanting control due to not having control with my illness hit the nail on the head, except it goes back much further. I had an abusive early childhood and have wanted control of my environment ever since. I also had a fairly strict upbringing after that and have high standards as a result. I also accept all the admin, I am better at this stuff and it is one of my big strengths. What I do not accept is being huffed at over everything I may ask of DH. I do NOT nag! I ask. There is a big difference and tbh I shouldn't have to ask if he has brushed a 3 (no idea why a poster thought 6-8 year old, jumping to the wrong conclusions as usual) year old hair for the hundredth weekend in a row, it gets wearing.

yesididmean your post at 7.19 today was spot on. I had this illness before my children and whilst I found it hard the first time around, I adapted and second time it was much easier. Not that I should be having to justify myself or my illness at all. Maybe all disabled people should just be sterilised so we don't burden our partners who may have to pick up the slack once in a while.

Thank you to all the helpful posts. You have given me food for thought and I am more than aware that me and my situation must be hard to live with. Ultimately though I will not be posting on MN again for serious advice if this is how it goes. I'll stick to the trivial stuff in future and giving others advice if I have something valid to add. I would certainly never post to a complete stranger who I know nothing about, in the way that people on here have.

Yes, you seem MUCH calmer now.

Glad you came back OP - I have no idea what went wrong on this thread. I was on it quite early on saying that my 'D'H is like this, only worse, so I completely understood your point. After that it all went pear shaped. We've been married 25+ years and its just got worse each year, so if you have a marriage worth saving then get whatever help you can to sort it out. And certainly don't leave him any notes on the fridge. Good luck.

People just like to put the boot in, OP. I'm glad you came back though, I think it shows a lot of courage, and I really hope things get better at home, it can't be easy

OP – I hope you can come back and sift through some of the more recent responses ignoring those that are full of scorn as they are rooted in ignorance but take some things from those who have similar experiences to yours. I think those that are full of scorn aren’t seeing beyond your exasperation/you ‘the nag’ to what hell it is to be a parent of young children with a fatigue and/or pain inducing illness. My experience is that unless you’ve been close to someone in that situation you simply can’t understand, and therefore empathy is going to be lacking.

It absolutely sucks having a long term debilitating condition that stops you being who you want to be and forces you to be reliant month in month out on others. It sucks being the partner of that too. It is utterly unfair on both of you. But what you and your DH need to get back on track with is that you are a team… and it’s going to suck a lot less for both of you if you can get that bit back on track. You HAVE to find a way to communicate with each other better, whether you can do that from within yourselves or need professional help I’m not sure.

In my experience, when I resorted to ‘nagging’ or crying that DH hadn’t seen the pile of laundry, it was when BOTH of us where reaching our limits on coping. DH is amazing but it’s easy for me to underestimate how much it drains him that I am ill… not on a physical level of tasks needing doing but because he’s worried. All. The. Time. Worried for someone he loves that he sees in pain. Worried the fact there isn’t always enough energy in his body to pick up the slack. Worried that I will burn myself out further in an attempt for the kids to get a ‘normal’ childhood with mum made birthday cakes for example and then what does he do the next week at work if he’s got client meetings and I won’t be able to collect the kids from school. He cannot switch off the overwhelming responsibility he feels for how fragile the whole set-up is, and sometimes as a result yeah he gets frustrated, he gets tired. He’s human too.

Over the years we’ve got so much better at seeing these situations rising. It’s never about the laundry basket or the birthday banner or the cupboard door left open or even whether a child’s hair has been brushed. It’s because we’re both worried, often scared, and frankly exhausted. We feel that our, and our children’s lives have been robbed of something. I feel I have to keep the house/family in perfect order for the days I simply can’t function – so that our ‘baseline’ so to speak will tide us over. And it terrifies me if we have fallen below that ‘baseline’. And DH simply has not a lot left to give. We’ve learnt at these times we simply have to reign right in. Nothing except bare minimum happens. And we pull in any help we can (we have no family but do have good friends). I’ve learnt to accept that there will be a huge mess and chaos when I emerge from the fog and it’s not the end of the world – everyone survived. So the kids didn’t read for a week, so what?? My daughter went to school with her hair in a state. So what?? The TA knows that DH ‘can’t’ tie it up, so she did it knowing that if it is down and DH has done the school run then it’s because things are at their limit at home. It sucks that my illness affects everyone so much, but it’s the reality. And the last thing you need is in-fighting between yourselves.

I really hope things look up soon, but in the meantime. Go easy on yourself. Go easy on him. It’ll help, I promise.

cross posts, I was typing for a while! Glad you've come back. And there are those of us that, unfortunately, DO understand. As I say, it utterly sucks and it hard as hell and we have HAD to develop coping strategies and means of 'controlling' our environment as best we can. No one who truly understands would question it but would 100% see the NEED for it.

My DP and I are pretty tidy, a bit slack occasionally, our house isn't spotless and sometimes things get a bit messy for a bit longer than we want but we sort it. We are similar so it's not usually a problem.

My sister is much more messy. As a kid, her room was always a tip. Her house isn't too bad, but she'd happy to leave piles of washing and dirty pots around when people visit. Her DH is similar and they are ok.

My PILs are clean control freaks. Their house is spotless. Nothing is good enough for them. Used mugs are whisked away and washed instantly. We don't bother helping tidy or wash because it's never good enough. Both of them are the same and they are ok.

I couldn't live with my sis or PILs, they would drive me mad and I would drive them mad.

I'm so fucking sad for you OP.

Some of the shit that has been said on here by some nasty, nasty posters, in relationships of all places. Where sensitivity and thoughtfulness is so important.

For all the awful posts, dig out the excellent ones on here and listen to those. Lots of good thoughtful posters like Pukkapines have shared their experiences and they understand.

How about joining the spoons thread for people living with chronic pain and fatigue? I believe it is under the disabled parents topic.

Your last post just smacks of me, me and me. Jeez op.

OP I'm glad you found my comment helpful.

But in your post of 10.24, if you read it back, it is all about YOU, YOU and how YOU feel. (Understandably, not great at the moment.) But. There is not one single mention of how your DH feels or how he is coping with a difficult situation you are both in. There isn't any attempt to understand how HE feels.

It's very hard for you, I know. But it's also very very hard for our partners, even they though they are not the ones in pain physically, it affects them too and as PP mentioned, it is a HUGE responsibility being the only one physically able to work. I don't mean this in, "he's a man earning a wage yes you should let him off every bit of housework", I mean it in a "he is your husband and you need to support him too, it's a two way street"

It's hard you cannot do everything the way YOU want, but if he is doing stuff, can't you just let him do it, what is the worst that can happen? This isn't life or death stuff. If the worst that can happen is that you are uncomfortable if it's not up to your (forgive me) extremely high standard, then maybe it's you that needs to change and get help to deal with your issues.

Your posts are pretty much the definition of controlling behaviour to me. Can you read my post of 18.58 yday and see the difference in reaction to what sounds like to me, the same situation?

And again, seriously, how would you feel if he asked for a divorce? Have a think about you both having sole (but joint obviously) responsibility for the DC. Would you trust him to look after them - when they're with him? I imagine you would. So why can't you let him when you are both in the house?

I'm bowing out now as I've probably gone on too much and I'm finding it frustrating but I do mean this to be helpful and I really hope you take stuff from this thred which is useful, even if you don't think it is now.