Was on the verge of telling DH I've had enough this weekend. I havent, but I am getting increasingly fed up.

[FrustratedWithDH]

Me and DH have been together for over 14 years, married for over 11 years, 2 DCs. I was only 18 when we got together And it was my first relationship (just giving some background /overview).

He is a good husband and a good dad. However I am getting so fed up. Sometimes I feel our relationship ran it's course a long time ago. If we didn't have children I don't know if we would still be together but I am not one to walk away for nothing and it is petty things really but it's building up real resentment on my part.

I am a SAHM due to ill health. DH works full time so I do the household stuff. He does the dishes each have day, takes bins out, bathes DCS, helps or gets them ready for bed. Anything else I do need to ask to be done. There will be much huffing and puffing. It won't be done first time I ask, it will get left, until I ask again, then again. Then he'll do it but be stroppy about it, by which time I am just pissed off. Other times I give up asking and start doing it myself. I tell him it's too late as I'm doing it now so he huffs and puffs about it. I have to ask him to do ANYTHING. Pile of washing to go up, it will sit there for days unless I specify ask, stuff on the stairs, he'll step over, unless I ask. Decorating to be done, no chance of him ever doing it off his own back. I have to nag to get it done then he'll huff and puff about it (he does a good job of it which is why I want him to do it, i'd mess it up and my health means I cantl do much anyway).

Weekend's he gets up with the kids, great. But they are never dressed or ready. If I want him to do it I have to tell him the night before. He'll never brush DDs hair unless I ask him. It means if we do go out on weekends, we never get out until after lunch as kids or him won't be ready. All paperwork, organising any household stuff is down to me. I am better at it and will get it done but he literally has to do nothing apart from answer some questions I may have. If it's something he needs to find out, I have to keep reminding him to get the info as he won't do it else.

He never takes the initiative with anything. If I ever ask his opinion on what we should do/choose I get "I don't know" or he just shrugs. Every single decision is down to me, which sometimes suits me fine but other times i'd like some input.

I have told him before, it gets better for a while then goes back to the same again. He knows I am getting fed up. He ignores problems and pretends they aren't there. The discussion of DC 3 has been on and off and last night I actually told him i'm too pissed off to consider it at the moment. He just said nothing (as usual). This is something I find massively frustrating. If he doesn't agree or doesn't like what he is hearing, he just says absolutely nothing at all. I have to remind d him I have spoken and i'm waiting for an answer.

I don't think he is aware how bad it is. He is doing his usual burying his head but since yesterday I noticed he is talking more instead of sitting in silence (I can be bad for this too as I'm usually just tired by evenings), doing the odd thing without me saying. DS' s birthday was Saturday and we had banners and stuff up. I got up late Sunday morning and they were all still there. He said it does matter and they an all just stay there for a week u til dds birthday! It's this sort of thing that pisses me off because it's purely be a use he can't be bothered, which then means I end up doing it and getting resentful.

Any advice/help is welcome please. Kind of at the end of my tether.

I think the OP has had a very hard time here.

Her H should not be rolling his eyes and huffing at ALL.

He should be pitching in.

She is ILL.

But Dopey that doesn't mean that the DH has to do everything to her timetable, her standard, does it?

The OP has admitted that she is a neat freak - as evidenced by the banners issue.
And actually I think that tidying the toys by moving them to the sides of the room is perfectly acceptable when you've got a brand new baby, the mother is recovering from a c-section, and presumably no-one is getting very much sleep.

OP you have had a very hard time on here, but you have refused to accept that you might be in any way at fault. I suspect that that lies at the heart of your DH's eye rolling and huff puffing - you are right, he is wrong, 100% of the time. That is a very wearing way to live.

Why don't you go out and get a job, an easy one though, one where you can leave early and take work home with you, so that after you have put the rubbish out, bathed the dc, put them to bed, you can just relax.

Oh and be very supportive of your dh illness.

And remember to give him a lie in when you're not at work.

^^^

I really think this man is taking on his fair share of life's responsibilities.

You are picking at him, being overly critical.

Obviously he isn't perfect but neither are you. You said if you ask he usually does it?!?!

Give the poor man a break!

OP I have Cerebral Palsy yet I don't lie in and expect the missus do everything, I think that you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

I'm surprised that your husband is still with you.

Hi Op,

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time here, because I think you have presented the issue somewhat wrongly! You describe what he does and doesn't do, and other poster are quite right to point out that task for task, he does a lot. His day is likely very busy, as is yours.

I think what you are struggling with is his bad attitude, and the fact that you feel the burden of responsibility for all adult decisions in the house, as well as for the overall running of the house, rests on your shoulders. This isn't fair, and I think if you haven't experienced it yourself, it's hard to understand the resentment and strain that build up when you are living with a man who behaves like a petulant teenager.

I struggle/d with this with DH in the early months we were together, and it really took a toll on me. It was all fine for him to say he "didn't see" what needed to be done, but an entirely different thing for him to react like a stroppy arse when I would point it out and ask him to do something.

Food would rot in the fridge- I would take it out, Christmas cards wouldn't be bought or written in unless I did them, going around ikea with him and trying to find house wares we could afford was a fucking nightmare. And on it went. Yet he does a lot so had I listed what he did and did not do as the main issue, I would have been to I was being unreasonable too!

So I think- have a clear conversation with him. Set your boundaries and expectations up, and ask him how he would like you to communicate what needs to be done in a way that didn't result in his reaction. He needs to understand on a deep level how his attitude is affecting you, and what the boundaries are going forward in terms of a) what you will accept and b) what you will commit to.

It's not a one way street- he is probably struggling too - but you need to be able to communicate about adult things like adults... And he currently isn't facilitating that.

Raisingmen you need to re read the ops posts then go google cfs/me and that will answer your questions. She is ill. Not as a one off, a permanent (or long term at least) debilitating illness. I feel like I'm reading a different thread to everyone else. Some posters seem to have gone out of their way To be as nasty as possible. Which isn't on.
Op I get where you are coming from and what you're trying to say but I don't think you'll have any joy or kindness from this thread.

DopeyDawg
Her H should not be rolling his eyes and huffing at ALL
He should be pitching in
She is ILL.

He IS pitching in but not how OP wants. Her being ill doesn't mean she gets to dictate what is done and when.

Tyzer is another one that needs to re read ops posts

OP, I've said this earlier up the thread, but they way you have been on this thread is probably exactly why you think your DH doesn't talk to you. I'm not just piling in to give you a kicking, I have honestly tried to help in earlier posts, but by god, you're frustrating!

You've vented (unreasonably by the standards of the majority of posters), not taken on board valid points raised, continue to complain about the same issues, not responded to very pertinent questions and then flounced.

If this is how you communicate, well basically you're not communicating! You're talking but not listening - ironically the very thing you accuse your DH of doing.

You do need to take a look at your own behaviour and engage properly with your DH which is why I suggested counselling as I really think if you're in a situation where your DH knows you're listening, you may be suprised what he actually says. And I mean, let him speak, hear what he says ans really consider it. I think if there's a mediator there and he knows you have to listen, he will tell you exactly how he feels.

I'm not being mean just to give you a kicking, but you really do come across as so overbearing and controlling, it's like talking to a brick wall. The way you talk about your DH is like you think of him as a child or paid help, you're just focused totally on how you feel and what you're not happy with.

I'm not saying this to be cruel, I really think you need to take those self obsessed blinkers off as I'm another one who thinks your DH is, like a lot of people in difficult marriages with small DC, waiting for your DC to be a bit older and will then end the marriage.

I do a lot of huffing and puffing when I'm doing the housework. It's because I hate it! It's not aimed at my DH for not doing it all so I then have to do something. It's even worse if I think I've finished everything and can relax but then something else comes up!

Could your DH be the same as me and you're taking it personally.

Tbh, I appreciate you've got ME which is why I didn't give you a metaphorical kicking like others have but your attitude stinks and the language you've used towards your DH's job and input really has got the back up of working parents on here who find it difficult to do everything.

I'd suggest your first place to start is to rethink your attitude towards your DH as you have become stuck in a cycle of negativity towards him and he'll know that.

At least do a cuppa and a how's your day and let him unwind before you ask him to do more. Show people they're appreciated and they'll be more understanding and appreciative of you.

My husband is a bit like this. He does clean but it's very lax and certainly not to my standard. He kind of cherry picks the easy stuff and leaves the shit stuff like toilet cleaning etc to me.

He does do the bins, everything related to our cats (we have a lot) and all DIY, gardening etc and is very handy. I never have to ask twice for these jobs. He also cooks most nights, does the laundry and keeps the house fairly tidy, but like I say, not to my standards.

I get the huffing from him if I complain about his housework because I have been so sick of cleaning at the weekend when I have worked all week. He is out of work at the mo.

Lately I decided to pick my battles as I was getting so angry and stressy about it. So I rarely criticise his housework as I realise I have very high standards. I will be getting my cleaner back as soon as he is working.

He also takes zero responsibility for any of the admin like bills, budget, car stuff and has no comprehension of the gut wrenching worry I have of being the only earner, that pisses me off more than anything. There are two of us but I have to do all the thinking and worrying.

I think the OP is getting a very hard time here.

Quietninja, I am ill and quite badly disabled but I recognise and appreciate everything my DH does rather than complaining that

It's not enough
It's not quick enough
It's not good enough
It's not they way I would do it

I'm surprised to hear that 8-4.30 job plus doing the dishes, putting the children to bed and taking the bins out is all that can be expected of a man. If he were a mother he would be expected to do a great deal more than that. To me that's basic functioning, he should be doing that even if the OP wasn't ill.

I think the real problem here is not having clearly defined tasks apart from the ones mentioned above that he does automatically, without having to be asked by the OP. And that he has a problem with being asked to do things by the OP.

If you get him to agree to be responsible for other chores, then you won't have to continually nag him.

But I think at the same time you are going to have to accept that there are many things he is not going to see or do - it sounds from his behaviour that he was not brought up to tidy up after himself - your children are going to have messy hair and long term birthday decorations until you recover your health.

This is a side issue but would you be able to afford a cleaner? Our cleaner is responsible for all the washing, ironing and taking piles of clothes upstairs... and neither of us are ill.

I do a lot of huffing and puffing when I'm doing the housework. It's because I hate it! It's not aimed at my DH for not doing it all so I then have to do something. It's even worse if I think I've finished everything and can relax but then something else comes up!

I agree with this Joysmum. Housework is my job and I loath most of it. Fortunately I do most of it when I'm in the house alone, so no one hears the groans and moans of hatred it induces.

You are very critical of your husband and he can't do anything right. Chill out! He works full time yet it is his responsibility to get the kids up and dressed on weekends while you stay in bed. For that alone, I think you should be grateful. Then you criticise him for not doing the children's hair.

I take on board you have an illness yet you say you are well enough to run a clean, tidy and organised home.

OP, I hope you are still here and reading so this isn't wasted. I am disabled and stay at home. Don't even have dc at home anymore so I do spend a LOT of time resting, doing stuff just for me. DH comes in and often cooks and/or clears. He does most stuff I ask ( eventually) and also goes to the gym and plays golf quite a lot. And I am incredibly grateful. He also irritates me by walking straight past washing to go up, leaving dishes lying around, dropping crumbs and not listening to me. He's not that good at household admin and forgets to ask what happened at the hospital appointment I've been to. I accept all this as part of him. I wish he didn't do those things but hey ho.

You two sound fundamentally different. Your illness doesn't really change this. You are super tidy. He isn't. You 'see' what needs doing, he doesn't. You can't wait for jobs to get done, he can. Neither of these is right or wrong, just different. If you want to find actual happiness in your marriage surely it's about accepting people for who they are. If you could learn to drop some of the small stuff maybe he would hear you when you ask for something that really is important?

I am trying hard not to sound critical. I think your illness must be very frustrating if you want the energy to have an immaculate house with every last letter filed and crumb swept. Maybe, just maybe this could have actually contributed to your illness in the first place. Could it not be that you both need to work on the relationship and be more accommodating and accepting? If you are good at clothing etc why not make up bags containing whole outfits for the dc when he gets them ready? It won't be for long. Teach the dc that they need to re end dad about hair etc. he can't remember because he genuinely doesn't see it! not because he wants to annoy you.

You will say, oh, so it's down to me? Yes, if you care about it and he doesn't, it is! And what's more, it doesn't really matter. In seriousness, look around for some help with obsessive traits, try mindfulness, it's also great for relaxing and losing tension. Have you been taught how to pace activity? It's very good for learning to keep on the right side of your restrictions. Do you have good doctors? There are courses which are excellent and really do help with ME. My SIL had it for years and has recovered very well.

Are you claiming PIP or other disability benefits? Do, they are there for additional help such as cleaning and anything that makes your life easier.

I genuinely mean to be helpful. When you feel less angry maybe you will see some helpful answers here. The main thing is, you are both at fault here and if you want your marriage to survive and be happy you both need to change and try to be kinder to one another. Another child does not sound, right now, like anything other than madness.

If you're still reading OP, I really agree with YesIDidMeanToBeSo that talking it through with a third party might help.

The therapist may be able to help you each find the words to communicate with other more effectively.

Next, she criticised him for not taking the child for a haircut so the family, as a whole, could get things done in good time and with minimal rushing.

A decent person would have taken it upon themselves to do this. A half-decent person would have done it when asked, without huffing and rolling their eyes like a teenager.

And you do realise, yes, that the OP has an illness that might sometimes mean that staying in bed is literally the ONLY thing she's capable of doing? And that sometimes means that she needs to conserve energy (by e.g. staying in bed for a bit) in order to be able to go out and do family weekend things?

She didn't asking him to take anyone to get their haircut she was angry because despite the fact he got up in the morning and got the kids dressed whilst she had a lie in she was angry that he hadn't dressed them to her standards and hadn't brushed their hair !!!

xpost with Matilda - good post.

When I was a teenager I had, what turned out to be, a rare auto-immune illness that was first diagnosed as MS then ME/CFS, until the doctors figured out what it was. All those illnesses have crossover of symptoms such as exhaustion, brain fog, muscle pain and weakness, severe pains and numbness in the nervous system, mobility and balance, vertigo issues etc.

Although I am totally recovered now I can still remember the exhaustion, and I can remember the determination to keep going with things like school, parties, making cakes, Christmas presents etc.

Looking back, there were many things that I thought were important that actually weren't, things that I thought I couldn't possibly not do but I could have. I've no doubt you have had to learn this too, but, for example, it doesn't make sense to make a cake for your kids if it leaves you exhausted and in a lot of pain (I particularly remember the exhaustion of cooking). I understand the emotional meaning it has to you - you just want to make your kid a birthday cake - but they're not actually going to remember who made them when they're older and you can buy great cakes in M&S for £2.50 that genuinely look and taste home-made.

That's just one small point, but it's applicable across the board. I understand you want to be the best mother you can be in spite of your illness, but actually, really, truly learning to let some things go, to ditch others, being able to discriminate between the necessary and the desirable could help your energy levels and also your emotional wellbeing.

I also think it's important if you're dealing with this kind of horrible chronic illnesses that you have therapy. Not because there's anything wrong with you emotionally but because it brings a level of adversity to everyday life that's hard to deal with.

You and your husband sound like, in dealing with all of this, you're pulling against each other and I think you need to find a way to pull together, which is why I think couples therapy might help you both too.

OP I'm sorry that you have got a kicking on here but I think most posters have a point.
I lived with someone for ten years who was never happy with anything I did and as other posters have said I disengaged. I hated having to justify what is done with my time and the way I used to tense and panic whenever they came I to the room in case there was anything I'd missed. It's a horrible miserable existence .

Mrsbird, she did do exactly that, on a day when she was trying to finish making a birthday cake, if you read the thread.

And yes, there's another issue, with hair-brushing, but why should a person with a child not brush that child's hair?

And 'dressed them to her standards' –well, by 'standards' all you can mean, going by what the OP's said, is that he can't or won't distinguish between leggings and tights. And, again, a person with a child really should be able to tell the difference and dress the child appropriately.

Lastly, and people on this thread including the OP herself have said this again and again, she is NOT just 'having a lie-in'. How DARE you say that? Read a little bit about CFS/ME before making any further such offensive and ill-informed comments.

I've been thinking about this a bit more. It's hard having to rely on other people to do things for you.

My DH, despite being told numerous times, does not know the difference between a skirt and a dress. He also thinks shampoo and conditioner are the same thing. He also can't tell which pairs of tights belong to me and which belong to DDs so picks a room at random to put them in after washing. He cannot go shopping without forgetting at least one item. He could not make a quick decision if his life depended on it, therefore our method of making decisions from anything from which DVD to watch to which car to buy, is settled with "scissors paper stone".

It is, however, a cause of much amusement in our house and the DC especially take great delight in fondly taking the piss out of him. I am just grateful he is washing the dresses/skirts/tights and washing my hair and doing the shopping. He is kind and he means well and he doesn't do it to annoy me.

I honestly think OP, if you get some counselling and change your mindset you would all be so much happier. And as you say, he is a good father and DH generally, wouldn't it be great to be together and be relaxed and happy, not resentful and frustrated.

God, I've made DH sound completely incompetent there and he isn't, he is actually much better at housework, and is certainly more house proud than I am. I was just thinking of examples where eg I could lose my shit over having a dress passed to me when I wanted a skirt but trying to show it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

Oh and my DH would ask what to cook ACAS he knows I have meal plans and will have shopped to that plan. Do if he looked at the cupboard and did something else, I might need to shop again as I'd not have the right things left to cook for the rest of the week.