Was on the verge of telling DH I've had enough this weekend. I havent, but I am getting increasingly fed up.

[FrustratedWithDH]

Me and DH have been together for over 14 years, married for over 11 years, 2 DCs. I was only 18 when we got together And it was my first relationship (just giving some background /overview).

He is a good husband and a good dad. However I am getting so fed up. Sometimes I feel our relationship ran it's course a long time ago. If we didn't have children I don't know if we would still be together but I am not one to walk away for nothing and it is petty things really but it's building up real resentment on my part.

I am a SAHM due to ill health. DH works full time so I do the household stuff. He does the dishes each have day, takes bins out, bathes DCS, helps or gets them ready for bed. Anything else I do need to ask to be done. There will be much huffing and puffing. It won't be done first time I ask, it will get left, until I ask again, then again. Then he'll do it but be stroppy about it, by which time I am just pissed off. Other times I give up asking and start doing it myself. I tell him it's too late as I'm doing it now so he huffs and puffs about it. I have to ask him to do ANYTHING. Pile of washing to go up, it will sit there for days unless I specify ask, stuff on the stairs, he'll step over, unless I ask. Decorating to be done, no chance of him ever doing it off his own back. I have to nag to get it done then he'll huff and puff about it (he does a good job of it which is why I want him to do it, i'd mess it up and my health means I cantl do much anyway).

Weekend's he gets up with the kids, great. But they are never dressed or ready. If I want him to do it I have to tell him the night before. He'll never brush DDs hair unless I ask him. It means if we do go out on weekends, we never get out until after lunch as kids or him won't be ready. All paperwork, organising any household stuff is down to me. I am better at it and will get it done but he literally has to do nothing apart from answer some questions I may have. If it's something he needs to find out, I have to keep reminding him to get the info as he won't do it else.

He never takes the initiative with anything. If I ever ask his opinion on what we should do/choose I get "I don't know" or he just shrugs. Every single decision is down to me, which sometimes suits me fine but other times i'd like some input.

I have told him before, it gets better for a while then goes back to the same again. He knows I am getting fed up. He ignores problems and pretends they aren't there. The discussion of DC 3 has been on and off and last night I actually told him i'm too pissed off to consider it at the moment. He just said nothing (as usual). This is something I find massively frustrating. If he doesn't agree or doesn't like what he is hearing, he just says absolutely nothing at all. I have to remind d him I have spoken and i'm waiting for an answer.

I don't think he is aware how bad it is. He is doing his usual burying his head but since yesterday I noticed he is talking more instead of sitting in silence (I can be bad for this too as I'm usually just tired by evenings), doing the odd thing without me saying. DS' s birthday was Saturday and we had banners and stuff up. I got up late Sunday morning and they were all still there. He said it does matter and they an all just stay there for a week u til dds birthday! It's this sort of thing that pisses me off because it's purely be a use he can't be bothered, which then means I end up doing it and getting resentful.

Any advice/help is welcome please. Kind of at the end of my tether.

OP I work full time and Dh is a SAHD, and to be honest, after a full day at work after I have bathed the DCs and got them to bed I am fit for little else aside from collapsing on the sofa!

I guess it must be frustrating that you want to do more but can't, and he is probably shattered much of the time (I know I am). Do your health issues and your situation entitle you to any kind of assistance around the house? it may be worth asking for a needs assessment. Therefore if someone can take care of some of the mundane household stuff during the week, it would free you up to spend more time together as a family?

I would also second the suggestion of some kind of relationship counselling.

His working hours are good. 8-4.30 4 days a week and finishes a bit earlier on Fridays. Not a really hard job, something he can do easily. They are busy and have a lot of work but he can bring it home so it's working hours, walk out door and done until next day.

I have CFS/ME for those asking.

I know people don't get the banners but it's the latest in a long line of stuff in the house that just gets ignored unless I do it. If I hadn't taken them down, i'd be surprised if he'd ever done it. They'd probably be up weeks.

We've had the bathroom done and DH had to sort out some bits of it after the plumber and we had the tiling and decorating the do. It took him weeks to do it. He does a good job (which I have told him before someone posts I am an ungrateful nag) but unless I said in the morning "are you going to do the bathroom today" it would have taken months as he would have just left it.

youwish DCs don't get bathed every day. Twice a week at home and once a week after swimming, which I am there to help, with too. I wish people wouldn't make assumptions.

I also do help get them ready for bed. There was a period where I was too exhausted in the evenings and couldn't move off the sofa but that has passed and now I am there at bedtimes too so he isnt doing it by himself.

We're also about to get a dishwasher.

OP, are you taking on board that the majority of replies think you (sorry I know this is in relationships) are being unreasonable?

It doesn't (ironically) sound as though you are listening.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all OP. This seems to be about him not taking on the responsibility of what is required to make a house/family function. But even when you point out what needs doing he takes the hump.

The banners in isolated context, yes, so what. But the fact that all the tidying is always left to you I can understand how yet another thing is left to you.

I also don't think he does that much tbh. Seems pretty minimal. Washing up and helping put the kids to bed . That's it? Oh and the bins (which is about 10 mins once a week). And some DIY once in a blue moon. God my partner would think he was on to a winner there!

It's the sloping shoulders, devolving responsibility for the house and children on to you. He doesn't need to clutter his mind or efforts thinking about that. It's disrespectful.

You are 'on the go' all week OP but he's working full time! It sounds like he gets stuck in once he gets home, sorting out the kids.

You are being totally unreasonable about the birthday banners btw. Presumably you'd had lots going on with birthday celebrations - he can put his feet up in the evening while you go to bed can't he?

I'm a bit like your DH in that I subscribe to the 'why do today what you can put off til tomorrow' way of living, unless it's something urgent or something that is negatively affecting my or family life.

I think reading between the lines mostly this is about initiative. It isn't so much about what he does (and I do feel compared to a lot of working parents he does a lot) but it's more that op feels he doesn't see what needs to be done unless she points it out. Unfortunately that may just be a difference in personalities rather than laziness. I'm not too sure how you tackle that unless you just accept that you are going to have to remind him sometimes like the stuff with the will etc.

The stuff about laundry going upstairs. .. I'm not trying to sound smug but why not just put it away as soon as it's done? I never have baskets of washing sitting around. I fold it up and put it away straight away. Then there is no major washing basket anger going on.

I didn't post in AIBU for a reason. I'm not interested in being told I am. Sorry.

Yes I am listening. I don't feel that anyone is listening to me Tbh. I'm surprised that doing dishes once a day, taking bins out and helping with his own children seem to give him a pass to not have to think for himself ever. Because he doesn't. I don't see why it gives him a pass to huff and puff at me when I ask him to do anything at all, ever. Or ignore me when I ask him something because he doesn't want to have to think. These are all things I have said here.

But hey, clearly I should be doing everything bar going go out and earning money so I just won't bother to complain about it. Obviously it is all my responsibility as a SAHM.

Doing certain designated chores is one thing, but an adult who will not take any initiative for small ad hoc things like taking stuff upstairs is different and would piss me off royally.

No one should have to be asked to do glaringly obvious things like take a pile of stuff upstairs that's been sitting there, or clean and sort their child's bike in time for their birthday.

Nothing gets tidied unless I do it. Everything gets dumped somewhere then he'll constantly be looking for stuff.

Then don't tidy. Let him look for stuff. He'll miraculously discover that he is capable of basic tidying and sorting if he has to.

I'm trying to think how to word this so it doesn't seem so awful, but here goes, and this is from the perspective of someone with a disability which causes severe pain and tiredness.

I think when you are tired or in pain the majority of the time, life can seem (and actually be) very unfair. It's very easy to think your life is harder than your partners (and it may well be) but it's also worth trying to imagine how your partner also really feels. It's a little like the sleepless years of little tiny DC, it's very easy to slip into a rut of "I'm more tired/you get more sleep/I work harder"'etc but not as easy to be kind, when you're exhausted.

I'm by no means a surrendered wife type, I know my life has changed for the worse but so has my DHs and sometimes both of you acknowledging this and asking what you can do to make each other's life easier, really pays dividends as you both feel more supported.

You're saying he doesn't listen to you, but do you listen to him as well, or are you both stuck in the cycle of (for want of a better word) competitive tiredness?

I hope this helps and not offends as that really isn't my intention.

(which I have told him before someone posts I am an ungrateful nag)

I'm sorry, OP, but this sums you up. You are an ungrateful nag. I feel sorry for your DH.

When does he get any down time without you on his back, poor bloke?

OP as a SAHM to five kids myself and living with a dh who is a bit averse to housework i am usually very sympathetic to these types of threads.

However you come across as overly defensive, closed-minded to other posters views and really petulant. I would love to hear your dh's side to this story as i am sure it would be quite different.

If the banners thing is in any way representative of the type of thing you give out to him about i really pity the poor sod!

I think this is less of a 'DH doesn't do enough around the house' issue and more a 'DH has no initiative' issue. I'm currently a SAHM and DH doesn't do any more than yours does I don't think, he's also a bit rubbish at sound the 'thinking' but doesn't huff and puff or moan if asked to do something. That would frustrate me. He also wouldn't have taken banners down but to be fair I would have probably said 'ah we'll leave them til next week' (and they would probably have stayed up longer!). With CFS I do think he should be taking the no toastie to help you more. I'm pregnant and suffering from morning sickness so DH is picking up the slack a bit more at home while I'm struggling.

Don't have a DC3 until this is sorted!

About the basket of washing - why should he take initiative about taking it upstairs. Or rather why shouldn't you?
Were you leaving it there to test him?
Were you both leaving it to make some kind of point?
What I mean is, there are two of you in the house, yet one of you left the basket for 4 days.
Seems like he could be thinking the same thing about you!

"He doesn't need to clutter his mind or efforts thinking about that"

That's it exactly! If I have said something need doing then days later I ask him if it's been done, it won't have been and when I ask why I get "i've slept since then" as my answer.

Fairylea yes I am starting to do that. It's just when I am exhausted, I don't want to have to hump the basket upstairs to sort and put away. But he wouldn't take it up unless I say it. Or i'll struggle to do it (on a bad day), then he'll say "you shouldn't be struggling, i'll do it" I feel like I can't win.

He'll tell me not to overdo it and not to do too much because of my health but I have to because he won't do it. It will just get left and when I am feeling well enough i'll have triple the amount t to do which puts my health back. I need to pace it.

Another example, on Friday DS needed a haircut, I was going to take him after school. I was feeling so exhausted as had been running around all week sorting kids birthdays and I had to finish decorating DS's cake (using a cutter in some ready made icing) so I asked DH to take him for his haircut whilst I sorted the cake, to save me having to do it late. He just rolled his eyes and huffed. He did it grudgingly but why can't it ever be graciously.

Sorry, but to speak bluntly, you sound like a control freak and a nightmare to live with. I have a mother exactly like this. My mum is a good person at heart but is never able to sit down and rest - she obsesses over little things and will have a screaming fit if one little thing is out of place. My dad does a lot round the house but mums standards are ridiculously high nothing is ever good enough or done fast enough. My mum regularly makes herself ill due to this extreme stress that she puts herself under. Even when my dad was ill she took the limelight as she angrly complaint about all the extra things she had to do because of his illness. I think you gave GAD, a doctor can help with this.

OP, don't you think it's ironic you're not listening to what the majority of people are saying?

If you just want a vent that's fine, but if you're so convinced you're right, why are you posting?

• i think you have GAD a doctor can help with this.

General Anxety Disorder.

Here you go OP..

LTB. Better ?

Oh give over, MythicalKings. He does the bare minimum. Poor bloke indeed! Jeez. Men really don't have to do very much in order to get praise and sympathy do they? Washing up and helping put the kids to bed and suddenly he's man of the bloody year.

And as for the huffing and puffing over taking your son to the hairdressers. The rolling of the eyes? Really? People think that is OK? It is really disrespectful.

"What I mean is, there are two of you in the house, yet one of you left the basket for 4 days." Yet the OP is always the one who always moves it and she is the one getting the hard time here.

Housework is clearly still seen as women's responsibility. Good and proper.

So now I'm thinking maybe I am expecting too much as well - this is exactly how my H makes me doubt myself - but I suppose the difference is we both work.

Also interested in YesIDidMean's previous post above, about what its like when you are ill and in pain all the time - does that not strike a chord OP?

You do sound a bit controlling, so even if he had brushed your DDs hair, for example, it wouldn't have been done right and you would have wanted it done your way.

Similarly if you are struggling why make a birthday cake - just buy one!

Do you get a chance to rest during the day?

Is it the huffing and puffing that's annoying you? It can be very irritating, but I struggle not to do it because I hate being given instructions, particularly if it's something I was already planning to do or which I didn't think was important enough to bother. I can feel myself turning back into a petulant teenager, as though my parents have asked me to tidy my room. But I do know it's an unreasonable reaction.

Are your children school age?

Ok back to the original point.

If you tell him you've had enough what will happen? You split up? You're left to do all of it alone (and earn money) at some point. You find a new partner who will do even more than your dp now (if you find him send him my way)?

Maybe your dp doesn't like being bossed about?

I agree completely he should take initiative but maybe he thinks taking washing upstairs isn't important.

Being ill is very very hard, can you pace yourself with the jobs you see as important during the Day? Or the ones he doesn't like doing?

Are your do old enough to help at all?

I'm assuming that, as a sahm, your days are as full your DH's are. If you are anything like me you'll be on the go all day sorting out the house, things for the kids schools, all the social and financial arrangements, any pets you have (we have outdoor farmy type animals and so they need quite a bit of sorting out in the week) and holidya or trip out arrangements and all the usual washing/cleaning/ironing/cooking/school ick uo and drop off bits.
I do work as well, three days a week, but only for an hour and a half a day (though its in the middle of the day which is a bummer) and i run my own business but that too is just a couple of hours a week to tick it over unless I have a lot of client work on. I'd say that taking into account your illness we're probably about equal in terms of energy for getting things done?

My DH does a similar amount to yours, and I honestly dont feel we are equals in terms of 'family' work. What drives me absolutely mental is the not SEEING or thinking about what needs to be done...not taking the initiative or responsibility for doing things that would mean the other person wouldnt have to think about it. Not knowing about what the dc are doing at school, or if dd is having a hard time with friends or DS doesnt lke school much or if theres somewhere we could take them that would enhance their lives/education/general interest in the world. Its the lack of concern or worry about ALL of our lives, not just his, that makes me feel lonely and resentful at times. I care about DH, genuinely, and i am always thinking of ways to make his life easier. I guess i am dissapointed that he doesnt have that same instinct for me.
I'm guessing you feel similarly op? we have talked a lot about it, his reaction is mixed, sometimes he gets it and sometimes i think he'd rather i just shut up moaning and just get in with it.
It's hard to know if we are being reasonable or just have high expectations because we are happy to do much ourselves Op, (and i word that carefully, the house is tidy and things are well organised because I couldnt live any other way, bit that doesnt mean he should have to perhaps?? Though he does seem to prefer it,,,hmmmm) i'm honestly not sure which it is. I have spoken to friends who think DH is marvellous for dong what he does, i just see it as his (almost) fair share of being a parent and i certainly think he could be a lot more proactive and thoughtful. I expect us both to be proactive.

Anyway, will watch this thread with interest. Hope you manage to sort things out. It does eat away at your love for a person when you feel unequal.