Was on the verge of telling DH I've had enough this weekend. I havent, but I am getting increasingly fed up.

[FrustratedWithDH]

Me and DH have been together for over 14 years, married for over 11 years, 2 DCs. I was only 18 when we got together And it was my first relationship (just giving some background /overview).

He is a good husband and a good dad. However I am getting so fed up. Sometimes I feel our relationship ran it's course a long time ago. If we didn't have children I don't know if we would still be together but I am not one to walk away for nothing and it is petty things really but it's building up real resentment on my part.

I am a SAHM due to ill health. DH works full time so I do the household stuff. He does the dishes each have day, takes bins out, bathes DCS, helps or gets them ready for bed. Anything else I do need to ask to be done. There will be much huffing and puffing. It won't be done first time I ask, it will get left, until I ask again, then again. Then he'll do it but be stroppy about it, by which time I am just pissed off. Other times I give up asking and start doing it myself. I tell him it's too late as I'm doing it now so he huffs and puffs about it. I have to ask him to do ANYTHING. Pile of washing to go up, it will sit there for days unless I specify ask, stuff on the stairs, he'll step over, unless I ask. Decorating to be done, no chance of him ever doing it off his own back. I have to nag to get it done then he'll huff and puff about it (he does a good job of it which is why I want him to do it, i'd mess it up and my health means I cantl do much anyway).

Weekend's he gets up with the kids, great. But they are never dressed or ready. If I want him to do it I have to tell him the night before. He'll never brush DDs hair unless I ask him. It means if we do go out on weekends, we never get out until after lunch as kids or him won't be ready. All paperwork, organising any household stuff is down to me. I am better at it and will get it done but he literally has to do nothing apart from answer some questions I may have. If it's something he needs to find out, I have to keep reminding him to get the info as he won't do it else.

He never takes the initiative with anything. If I ever ask his opinion on what we should do/choose I get "I don't know" or he just shrugs. Every single decision is down to me, which sometimes suits me fine but other times i'd like some input.

I have told him before, it gets better for a while then goes back to the same again. He knows I am getting fed up. He ignores problems and pretends they aren't there. The discussion of DC 3 has been on and off and last night I actually told him i'm too pissed off to consider it at the moment. He just said nothing (as usual). This is something I find massively frustrating. If he doesn't agree or doesn't like what he is hearing, he just says absolutely nothing at all. I have to remind d him I have spoken and i'm waiting for an answer.

I don't think he is aware how bad it is. He is doing his usual burying his head but since yesterday I noticed he is talking more instead of sitting in silence (I can be bad for this too as I'm usually just tired by evenings), doing the odd thing without me saying. DS' s birthday was Saturday and we had banners and stuff up. I got up late Sunday morning and they were all still there. He said it does matter and they an all just stay there for a week u til dds birthday! It's this sort of thing that pisses me off because it's purely be a use he can't be bothered, which then means I end up doing it and getting resentful.

Any advice/help is welcome please. Kind of at the end of my tether.

Christ, I really am stopping now but one last thought, how long have you been ill?

It's very easy for people (me included) to say you are all YOU YOU YOU but goodness, it's very very easy to feel like that when you're the one not able to get out of bed unaided in the morning and everyone can get on with their life, or so it feels. It does make us very self absorbed and I know I was like this, I cringe at some of the stuff I said looking back. Now I'm more used to it, I find it a bit easier, I'm not as "martyrish" as I used to be.

But we aren't alone, we are in relationships or families and it's actually better if you can focus on them as well as yourself and it makes you a nicer, happier person. Trite, and I'm not expressing it well but a little bit of selfishness is understandable, but don't become a resentful bitter person, basically!

OP if you can't do things yourself, then you have to accept that they won't always be how you want them. You can't dictate to another adult how they manage their workload.

It doesn't sound as if you really take steps to minimise conflict either. If the hair brushing is an issue, then cut her hair so that it's shorter, buy birthday cakes (or accept that you can't make a cake AND do a party at home AND have all evidence of it removed before lunchtime the following day)

You do sound incredibly self absorbed, and the poster above is right, you don't seem to consider your DH's feelings at all in this. You are coming across as saying that you want life to be a certain way, can't manage it yourself and therefore expect him to fill in all the gaps.
It doesn't sound like you love him, it doesn't sound like you have any respect for him - so why on earth you would be considering having another child with him i've no idea.

Twinklestein
I said is a stereotype, I didn't say I believe it.

You don't believe it but you mentioned it anyway? Classy.

Yes that's an ignorant offensive comment.

OP I've read your latest post and while I sincerely wish you well, I too have to admit frustration at your inability to listen to other people and even consider modifying your approach.

You now claim you're not struggling, but, if you weren't you wouldn't be posting here. All of your posts on this thread detail just how much you are struggling. If you were completely well you could pick up all the slack from your husband to run your house and family to your desired standards.

When posters have tackled you about control and tidiness, rather than being open and saying 'well perhaps I could learn to let some things go' you just say you 'can't leave it' and that's that. No attempt to reflect or analyse, just a straight out refusal to hear, let alone change your views or behaviour. You then use your experience of an abusive childhood to justify the need to control your environment, and the high standards of your upbringing to justify your concern with tidiness. It might be sensible to analyse all the conclusions about life you drew from your difficult childhood, to assess whether they're contributing positively or negatively to your life now.

There are posters here who have recovered from CFS who have given you advice, which you've ignored. In order to recover from a long term chronic illness you need peace and rest and paced activity. It's very important that you do not overburden yourself with stress and activities as this has a direct impact on your overall health, particularly your immune system. You have to learn to let a lot of things go, and to drop your standards with certain things. You need to be very careful that you don't make your illness worse. This is from someone who worsened their own illness considerably by taking on too much, and having to learn the hard way.

As to the question of a third child - no-one is saying you don't have the right to have as many children as you want. But CFS, while a disabling condition, it's eminently recoverable from. It is not therefore the same as having a life time disability from which there is no hope of recovery. You could choose to run a marathon tomorrow and no-one could stop you - but the question is - how will it impact your health? Adding the extra burden of a further child could cause your condition to deteriorate, and if you don't resolve the problems in your relationship, it could wreck you marriage too. And if you marriage ends you'll be dealing with 3 children alone.

My gut feeling is that you need therapy, to analyse your mindset and deeply held beliefs about life and to look at the coping strategies you developed in response to a dysfunctional childhood. It may benefit to develop new strategies to help you deal with the situation you find yourself in.

Good luck.

You guys, please, NEVER "help" me out with any advice will you, I mean, like you've "helped" the OP. Particularly not if you are going to dress it up as good and wise advice, given out of kindness.

Evening all, just posting to remind everyone that we're here to make parents' lives easier and whatnot... deep breaths everyone.

I can't get over how nasty some people have been on this thread. OP hasn't cheated or broken up a family, she's struggling with an illness and finding it overwhelming, and yet all people can say is that they think her husband is about to leave her, that's she's horrible and controlling and a bitch and lazy and God knows what else.

So much for support and help

I agree googoo truly Mumsnet at its worst.

Relationships should be the safe place to post, not having posters hurling abuse, disablist language and treating it like AIBU.

But sometimes the best advice is the piece of advice you don't want to hear.

I agree, some of the disablist stuff is disgusting, and I'm not advocating people just saying "you're a controlling cow" because how does that help anyone?

But I think, identifying that someone may be acting unreasonably and offering advice as to why they might be and what they could do to change it....I don't think that's bad in itself.

Otherwise we would just be stroking each other's hair and hugging for fucks sake, and no one wants that

It's not on to put the boot in just with a snarky comment but a lot of posters who are ill or disabled, or in the same boat as the OP have taken time to post and offer genuine help and it fucks me off when people whinge "mumsnet at it's worst".

I think a lot pf people have reacted negatively to the OPs posting style, which has been defensive, and "not taking comments on board" (what is the word for that!?) and that's why the thread has become heated.

But there is a lot of good advice here.

As I have already said, some excellent advice has been given here. No one is denying that. That doesn't excuse the sticking the boot in of some of the other posters who relish the chance to abuse posters with little thought or regard.

Mumsnet has a long history of constructive criticism and straightforward advice on the relationships board. That is why people post here and long may it continue. It doesn't have to be fluffy but it should be sensitive.

I'm not saying there hasn't been good advice, of course there has been, but some people have written some really vile, unnecessary things.

Most people have ignored OP's illness and have just sat here calling her lazy, controlling and a bitch, and some people have just said "if I was your DH, I'd leave you" or "I bet your DH is just waiting for the right time to go".

That's just nasty for nasty's sake and doesn't help anyone. Those were the posts I was referring to

I don't think you're being advised not to have another baby because of your illness, but because your both not coping with 2 now and your relationship is strained. Seems perfectly reasonable to me, but then I stuck at 1 (despite not being ill) because it's easier to cope with.

Totally agree, yes you're ill but yes you still need to appreciate, value and have empathy with your DH. It's not just him with that problem.

You could be me, I understand totally and I don't even face the challenges you do with regard to fatigue etc. You just don't want to be the thinker all the time, it's exhausting . I've pm'd you.

But sometimes the best advice is the piece of advice you don't want to hear.

Agreed. I wish I'd had someone to tough talk me when I got ill.

You want to carry on as if the illness had never happened. There's no advice you want to hear that's isn't 'it will be over soon'.

I had no idea how quickly you can damage your health by trying to carry on regardless. If I had, I'd have made very different decisions.

He sounds a lot like my DH. We are very fortunate to be quite financially well off so outsource any jobs which will cause friction. Decorating / gardening mainly - traditional "blue" jobs I guess, or jobs that stop us both relaxing evenings or weekends. Is this an option for you?

Otherwise, I tell him what needs to be done - I don't ask him. He is not doing me a favour, he is helping to run OUR home. Little by little things have got better. He makes me cups of tea without asking and pops to the shops himself when we're low on milk. He sometimes puts washing away unprompted but always does the jobs he has on his list. I have lowered my standards and learnt to fib to my mum about what he does / doesn't do! (Her disapproval winds me up)

I do all the admin so I keep a spreadsheet of money I have actively saved - eg through using a cash back site or shopping around for car insurance. It's good for my self esteem to see it as my earnings.

Oh and I have one "night off" a week - kids have beans on toast or equivalent and DH is in charge of our tea. Generally that involves a takeaway or shoving a pizza in the oven but I've learnt to let it go. So he can't cook - big deal, end result is the same - we get nice food and I stay out of the kitchen!

I give up.

Thank you to those who have continued to be supportive and constructive. But the "me me me" comment is just too much. Of course it's about me. That's why I am posting. I can't post on my DH's behalf funnily enough. I said I was leaving the thread but still it continued, and got worse. I came back when I felt calmer but no, this was also not good enough for some.

So that's it, i'm done with it and I have reported it as I think it's pretty disgusting. And if I actually told me DH the comments about him just waiting to leave me and that he should be the one to leave, I do know enough that he would be pretty disgusted too. I do know that he does not want us to split up at all. But i'm sure that won't be believed by some.

We will get through it. Everyone gets a blip. Things already seem to be improving and we both seem to be in a better mood. If one of us is moody, it does have an effect and it tends to go in circles until someone pulls out of it which tends to pull the other one out.

Anyway, don't want to make it about me so i'm bowing out.

Thank you for those who PM'd, it was much appreciated.

Sounds like you just have different expectation levels, and cleanliness levels! Yours are higher! You need to recognise that the things you think are 'absolutes' may just be 'subjectives'...It does sound like you maybe need to let go of micro-managing things. If due to illness there are things you're unable to do, perhaps you have to accept they may remain un-done?

In my house birthday banners and old christmas cards and piles of paperwork lie around for weeks. No-one brushes the children's hair and clothes are folded but never ironed! Our windows have never been cleaned! We have no Wills at all never mind updated ones, the garden is unmowed, etc etc. As we both work full time and have 3 kids we both tackle whichever household task is bugging us - I like the kitchen clean while he is obsessive about cleaning limescale off the toilet! I just say this to illustrate that everyone has different priorities!! Perhaps your husband really isn't bothered about a few hair tangles now and then? I'm not that bothered about brushing my own hair when I stop to think about it! :-)

This thread shows the reason why I would NEVER ask for advice on MN.

This is where being mindful comes into to play..
Outside of relationships, we communicate with other people when we want something doing, we ask them, but inside of the marital home people seem to think that ESP is a valid tool of communication..

It isn't and it can be very frustrating for both parties when communicating with kindness and sometimes clear instruction is replaced with passive aggressive huffing and puffing which will just create resentment and tension instead of harmony..

My wife is very laidback when it comes to life, me I rush around and I'm always on the go often setting impossible targets both in the home (tasks) and at work, obviously my expectations are unreasonable, but I become frustrated when things don't run according to my perfect schedule, a chat with a counsellor made me see my expectations were wearing my wife out and were indeed a tad unreasonable and I needed to work on relaxing my mind set and that not always being perfect or having things done my way was beneficial..
It's very easy to become resentful of a loved one if they seem to be falling short of our own expectations, stepping back listening and re evaluating the situation can be beneficial as it may be ourselves causing the tension especially with an uncontrollable external stressor such as illness..

Frank. That is just what the OP should be doing, but she has completely rejected the idea that her OCD may be causing her unnecessary stress and this may be spilling over to her DH who can't meet her high standards.

She sounds very stressed and unhappy and needs to sit down with her DH to discuss her frustrations and be less absorbed in her own perspective. For any marriage to work both sides must be seen and acknowledged.

Her situation is not good, but neither is her DHs. I think marriage counselling will help both of them see things from the others point of view. She basically has a good husband and she is a good wife to put so much effort into her family, but she is paying too heavy a price for her perfectionism. Counselling to help her early issues may also help resolve her illness. To heal itself the body needs to destress. This won't occur if she continues as she is. It's not a blame game but two people who should be pulling together instead of apart.

If I ever had a relationship problem this is the last place I would come for support now.

In the past most posters were treated gently even if people disagreed and any criticism was given constructively. I have noticed lately that the AIBU vibe has came over here.

Some posters gave great advice but others just kicked the boot in. Even if you think she was being 'unreasonable' then wouldn't it have been nicer to have told her that gently and explained why instead of making a person with an illness and relationship problems feel shittier than they already do?

She has been told that her husband should leave her because she feels her husband should contribute more to the housework than he does. Seriously?

I hope those who have been arseholes to her feel better now they have managed to hurt someone who is already struggling. It must make you feel great about yourselves. Well done you!

I hope MN do something about the increasing shit storms that are happening here before people who need support stop posting here. I think tomorrow I will start a post in site stuff asking for my opinions on the way the relationship forum is going down.

This is not AIBU. Save your shit and kickings for that forum if you really feel the need to express your opinions that way and leave people who need support the fuck alone.

OP I hope you manage to take the good advice on board and that things work out well for you. I do not think you are being any of the things you have been accused of