Was on the verge of telling DH I've had enough this weekend. I havent, but I am getting increasingly fed up.

[FrustratedWithDH]

Me and DH have been together for over 14 years, married for over 11 years, 2 DCs. I was only 18 when we got together And it was my first relationship (just giving some background /overview).

He is a good husband and a good dad. However I am getting so fed up. Sometimes I feel our relationship ran it's course a long time ago. If we didn't have children I don't know if we would still be together but I am not one to walk away for nothing and it is petty things really but it's building up real resentment on my part.

I am a SAHM due to ill health. DH works full time so I do the household stuff. He does the dishes each have day, takes bins out, bathes DCS, helps or gets them ready for bed. Anything else I do need to ask to be done. There will be much huffing and puffing. It won't be done first time I ask, it will get left, until I ask again, then again. Then he'll do it but be stroppy about it, by which time I am just pissed off. Other times I give up asking and start doing it myself. I tell him it's too late as I'm doing it now so he huffs and puffs about it. I have to ask him to do ANYTHING. Pile of washing to go up, it will sit there for days unless I specify ask, stuff on the stairs, he'll step over, unless I ask. Decorating to be done, no chance of him ever doing it off his own back. I have to nag to get it done then he'll huff and puff about it (he does a good job of it which is why I want him to do it, i'd mess it up and my health means I cantl do much anyway).

Weekend's he gets up with the kids, great. But they are never dressed or ready. If I want him to do it I have to tell him the night before. He'll never brush DDs hair unless I ask him. It means if we do go out on weekends, we never get out until after lunch as kids or him won't be ready. All paperwork, organising any household stuff is down to me. I am better at it and will get it done but he literally has to do nothing apart from answer some questions I may have. If it's something he needs to find out, I have to keep reminding him to get the info as he won't do it else.

He never takes the initiative with anything. If I ever ask his opinion on what we should do/choose I get "I don't know" or he just shrugs. Every single decision is down to me, which sometimes suits me fine but other times i'd like some input.

I have told him before, it gets better for a while then goes back to the same again. He knows I am getting fed up. He ignores problems and pretends they aren't there. The discussion of DC 3 has been on and off and last night I actually told him i'm too pissed off to consider it at the moment. He just said nothing (as usual). This is something I find massively frustrating. If he doesn't agree or doesn't like what he is hearing, he just says absolutely nothing at all. I have to remind d him I have spoken and i'm waiting for an answer.

I don't think he is aware how bad it is. He is doing his usual burying his head but since yesterday I noticed he is talking more instead of sitting in silence (I can be bad for this too as I'm usually just tired by evenings), doing the odd thing without me saying. DS' s birthday was Saturday and we had banners and stuff up. I got up late Sunday morning and they were all still there. He said it does matter and they an all just stay there for a week u til dds birthday! It's this sort of thing that pisses me off because it's purely be a use he can't be bothered, which then means I end up doing it and getting resentful.

Any advice/help is welcome please. Kind of at the end of my tether.

supernaut. DH is not ill. I am. Sometimes struggling upstairs whilst carrying a full basket of washing is hard work for me. It isn't for DH.

onlylovers yes I think you have it. It's not the stuff I do or he does, it's the lack of initiative and the huffing at me over the simplest of things. It makes me feel like I can't ask him to do anything at all. I also can't not tidy. I haven't been diagnosed but I suspect I have OCD. I can't abide mess and if I dont do it, it would get to an unbearable level of mess as DH genuinely doesn't give a crap about any sort of mess. When I had a c section, his idea of tidying DS's toys was to sweep them all to the sides of the room. It only got put into the toy box when I was recovered enough to do it.

yesididmean i'm not offended. I think your post makes sense. But I can't listen to DH as he doesn't tell me anything, ever. Never has done. Even when I ask. Even when I have sat before and explained a problem or issue, I wouldn't have the first idea if he had a problem or what it was. I suggested counselling once and he just said ok without even asking why. I have asked him if he thinks this is a good marriage and he is happy and he just says it is and he is. I don't see how he can think it but he is someone who is very laid back and more that happy to plod along get through life living day to day and that's it. Never having anything more complicated than going to work, helping with DCs, signing occasional for that gets put in front of him.

mythycalking When the kids are in bed at 7, he has nothing to do unless he didn't do the dishes earlier. He also has his hobby that he very much enjoys 2-3 evenings a week and 1 weekend morning a month. He gets up at weekend mornings which I am very grateful for, but he just sits on the tablet. He gets down time without me asking him to do things. Most things are done by the evenings.

It's got to the point where I have to ask him to shut a drawer or cupboard as he takes something out and walks away leaving it open. I should not have to tell him this. Or walks off leaving his plate on the table and it comes to me to have to take it out, wipe the table, put it back etc.

FrustratedWithDH you sound very angry in your posts. everyone is allowed to do things their way at their pace and how they want - its not up to you or anyone else to tell other people what to do. I guess its the old story - if you want something done a certain way, in a certain timescale then do it yourself.

it does sound like you nag a little bit because he wont do things your way.

You would be utterly mad to consider having another child when you, by your own admission, "can't do much"; and think the stuff your DH already does is not enough. it is

Housework is clearly still seen as women's responsibility. Good and proper.

That's a strange conclusion to make from the previous posts.
Nobody has suggested that.

And as for the huffing and puffing over taking your son to the hairdressers. The rolling of the eyes? Really? People think that is OK? It is really disrespectful.

This this this. Rolling your eyes and huffing and puffing at a simple request?
He needs to wake up to himself.

if you are struggling why make a birthday cake - just buy one! FFS. What a stupid thing t criticise about. People sometimes like to make birthday cakes for their kids. And it is hardly asking the earth for one parent to take the child to do something so the other parent can finish something else in good time.

Some of you are being really rude and hard on the OP.

Scallops I think the responses would be the same it was a SAHD complaining about his f/t working wife.

OP I am absolutely baffled as to why you would be considering a pregnancy and a third child with all these health and relationship issues going on. Perhaps your DH thinks the same but is wary of saying it out loud for fear of causing more upset, hence why he is reluctant to discuss it.

He can't talk to you OP. Why do you think that is?

I think that counselling is a good idea if you wish the marriage to continue and be happy long term. And probably even if you don't, it will help you to part as amicably as possible.

Serious question, how would you feel if he told you he wanted a divorce?

Virtually everyone's post is suggesting that, supernaut. They are excusing why he won't take the washing up the stairs and she is expecting too much of him. He is not expected to think about what needs to be done, after all he works outside the home. It is certainly the way he thinks as well.

"so even if he had brushed your DDs hair, for example, it wouldn't have been done right and you would have wanted it done your way."

Projecting much? No that's not the case at all. Putting a brush through her hair so it's not all tangled is not something I am going to say needs to be done in a different way.

Great, now I have been diagnosed over the Internet. Why exactly do I have GAD?

I like to make my DCs birthday cakes. Yes it's very hard and leaves me in a lot of pain but I wan to do it. It's bad enough I cant do a lot of things that I'd love to with them but I will do this once a bloody year.

The WindowDonkey yep I get you, completely. I don't want to put too much on DH as I do think a lot of this should be down to me as the SAHM. It's not like I spend all the time asking him to do this that and the other. It's now and again, it's the not seeing anything ever, it's the huffing and puffing every single time I ask of anything at all.

Yes all put in one thread it may sound like I am on his case all of the time but obviously no one has bothered to consider that this is just a long term on going issue that keeps flaring up. This weekend has brought it to a head with the haircut and party. I do everything going for their birthdays and Christmas. I just tell DH how much he needs to give me. Even choosing cards, presents, writing them, wrapping, organising parties etc, all, of it. The banners was an example of something else for me, yet again, to see and tidy.

I am not looking for a LTB to whoever posted that. I am clearly frustrated and at the end of my tether with it.

OP, I get the impression that it's not so much the lack of tidying up - which, let's face it, is a pretty common thing for women to moan about their husbands not doing - and more about his lack of initiative.

I know how that feels having been in a long relationship with someone who basically abdicated responsibility for his life, to me. I handled all our finances, all household arrangements, our social calendar (not that we really had one apart from "Go to pub" - he was an alcoholic), and probably 95% of the housework. We both worked full time.

Thank god we never got pregnant because I can see now I basically would have just had an extra DC. Who would require me to still arrange his whole schedule, and if asked to do something ad hoc, would keep saying "I'll do it later, stop nagging me" and/or sit and sulk for up to 72 hours.

Definitely do not go down the route of stopping tidying, laundry etc. I tried that with mine because I was so sick of the laundry in particular; and he generated a lot of laundry. One time I said to him that unless he started picking up some of the housework I would not do his laundry, just my own: he said fine, whatever, and then sulked off.

So for two weeks I only did my own washing, drying and ironing, and his pile of available clothes got smaller and smaller. One weekday I realised he would not have any clean underpants for the morning at work. (I had already reminded him twice during the preceding days, "Are you doing your laundry?" but it was always more important to go out and drink.)

Anyway the morning came and I expected there to be a frantic search for underwear possibly followed by a bad-tempered trip to M&S on the way to work and in time, a lesson learned.

What actually happened? He wore a pair of my knickers to work.

(And then he decided that he liked wearing my knickers and started buying women's underwear for himself, but that's a different story.)

OK back to your situation. If you were to arrange for relationship counselling, do you think he would actually participate or would he just sit there shrugging and saying nothing?

My thoughts on SAHP's are that both parents should get equal down time, unless one is much harder work physically or mentally in which case some extra de stress may be needed.

So in my case, I did all the housework, childcare, garden and decorating. He did the things I wasn't technically capable of, and also willingly did whatever I asked if I couldn't do it all or were on a down spiral because he knew I wasn't AAT on my arse doing coffee mornings and watching daytime telly!

The difference is, you have a disability. I don't know how much that affects you on average but as long as you know what you you ask of your dh is fair, then you've hit a point.

I'd certainly not have another child though as things aren't working as it is. I chose to have 1 for practical reasons.

scallopsrgreat

There are two people in the house.
If a washing basket isn't put away, why is it one partner's fault and not the other?
People aren't saying he shouldn't do it because he's a man.
Likewise with banners.
Sure, he could/should do it. But so could/she.

He is the one who would jump at a 3rd child. It's me who has been holding back.

He can't talk to me, because this is how he is. It's nothing to do with me. It's how he is. I find it frustrating as hell. He would genuinely plod along like this forever. I have tried to get him to talk before. It's impossible. He says I don't talk and I do struggle with opening up (due to upbringing and family) but when I do and try to get him to do the same, the responses are "umm" and one word answers. I give up tbh. Or i'll start talking and he'll randomly drop something completely random in the conversation that has nothing to do with what I am trying to talk about. So I don't bother. I tell him I feel like he's not listening and he says he is but I don't get any response from the conversation so I just give up.

OP - I am with you on this!

I am in a similar situation to you.

H huffs and puffs about every teeny thing.
He will grump about clean pile of washing on stairs waiting to go up (folded, there for about an hour...) yet walk past it again and again.
If I ask him to take it up on his journey he will eyeroll.
It will either then be dumped on my bed or put in the wrong children's rooms (ie 7 yr old girls things in 10 yr old boys room).

Worst is, if I am ever 'out' for a bit (like Saturday when I got stuck on a bus late) I have to call him to be sure he has fed the children.
it can be 7pm and he'll say: 'no, as I wasn't sure what you wanted me to give them. I'd only get it wrong'

This gives me the RAGE.

Have people missed that te op has cfs/me? This isn't the normal sahm/wohd debate. She is exhausted because she is ill so I don't think it's too much for et dh to pick up a load of laundry and take it upstairs instead of stepping over it and woah god forbid even put it away? Without huffin and puffing. Es he works full time but op does that and is ill on top of that. Me is debilitating. Yanbu at all. A bit of thought from your dh qouldnt go amiss. Sorry for typos and on phone.

supernaut I am finding get your posts incredibly unhelpful. Please don't bother. You are fixating on 2 specific incidents rather than looking at the whole picture and what those 2 incidents represent. I'll not respond to you again.

Everyone else, yes it's hard to hear and yes it may appear I am not listening, I am. I know I am not perfect and I am more than aware I am probably hard to live with. I have a lot of issues that stem from a difficult childhood. But do you know what, if DH didn't like it, he has always been free to leave. I haven't made him stay.

The reason I have kept posting, with what seems like excuses "but but....", it's not. I am trying go get across what my issues actually are. I'm not the best at expressing how I feel, or getting down what my problem is. Some posters have absolutely hit the nail on the head.

Do I genuinely want to split? No I don't. For once it would be nice to have 1 successful marriage in my family instead of yet more children coming from a broken home. I also don't think these are things worth ending a marriage over. It doesn't stop me being pissed off about it though.

We don't argue. DH never would argue. If I have said something in the past, he just huffs about slamming stuff around in the kitchen rather than actually telling me what the problem is. I have had to tell him several times that I am not a mind reader.

But don't let any of that get in the way of him appearing as a perfect husband and father.

And yes I am coming across as defensive and angry but i'm very tired at the moment and I am venting on here rather than taking it out on DH.

For me, it is the 'I work outside the house so I deserve to come home and rest' mentality.
I see that that is what he believes is fair, but if one person is ill then things have to be slightly different.

'Different' doesn't mean that the ill person has to be the one thinking of everything and asking the well one to do it and the well one then tuts and sighs and avoids / does it so ineptly the well one has to ask for it to be done again etc. Ill one then looks upset, says: 'you see I told you I'd "do it wrong" and says they feel poorly too (in my situation).

" I wasn't sure what you wanted me to give them. I'd only get it wrong' "

YES!!!

I get this. He would feed them at normal tea time but he would be likely to ask me what to give and say he wasn't sure, get it wrong etc. I get the "i'll only get it wrong" comment as well (This is valid when it comes to dressing DD he really has no idea and after 4 years of me telling him what is tights and what is leggings, I get snappy and pissed off and he looms at me incredulously whilst walking off, not saying a word as usual).

Although I think that's because I'm an awful, controlling, suffering with anxiety nag putting upon a hard working suffering DH.

I work similar hours to your husband but between working f/t and putting the kids to bed and doing the washing up (dishwasher) I find I am knackered! I honestly wouldn't be chuffed if my husband started telling me off for not having taken the dishes out, or put washing away or doing DIY!

The point is, my husband probably wishes he lived in a pristine home, but has to accept that with me working a demanding job, and him doing the same, it isn't going to happen. We also have piles of laundry, find it hard to get everything done and don't do DIY on weekends but just try and relax and keep on top of the chaos (not always successfully).

I am not sure where you can go from here. I think putting the washing basket the bottom of the stairs and saying 'can you take this up for me' is entirely reasonable. DIY less so.

His hobby also sounds time-consuming. Do you feel you have as much free time as him (even if you don't spend it out of the house?) Are you still doing chores in the evening when he's out?

It doesn't sound insoluble though, perhaps there are one or two areas you really need to see change in (laundry, taking kids for haircuts) and you can delegate these. The rest is probably a consequence of having two children, working and a general sense life is quite draining, everyone I know feels like this a bit (and struggles to do much extra unless they have cleaners/help to free up their time).

Hairtoday genuine question. Would you honestly just get up and walk away leaving your plate on the table, would you take something out of a drawer or cupboard and walk off leaving it open? Knowing your DP will come along and shut it for you or ask you to close the thing you have opened?

I don't ask him to do DIY in the evenings. DIY is very few and far between.

Jesus Christ, I bet he's on the verge of telling you that he's had enough

I guess that he could say that he tells you to chill out and you huff and sigh and then don't do it.

Do you listen to him? Does he ever make that sort of comment?

If so, why are your need more important than his? (i.e. you are a neat freak and he is a chill out freak?)

And you seriously are conisdering a third child?

I sympathise, OP. I think a lot of people are ignoring your illness and treating your as a healthy SAHM, which is totally not the case, and I think you've had some very harsh responses here. Your DH works full-time, yes, but not in a strenuous role (8-4.30 with no work at home) and an early finish one day a week is NOT massively tiring or difficult to cope with, so I don't see why he's being praised profusely for that.

I think it's more about the lack of initiative/sulking than it is about the housework? I don't think he's lazy, but maybe doesn't really care all that much about taking washing up and such. I mean, I admit if I have a pile of clothes to be put away, I'll leave them until I go upstairs, and I'll leave dirty mugs or whatever on the side until I go to the kitchen.

Things like that - are they really worth fighting over? Does it matter whether a basket of clothes is sat downstairs until someone takes them up at bedtime? I think you're probably run down and tired, and then all the little things are happening and you're finding them more annoying than you otherwise would.

Save your energy for the big things - the house won't fall apart if DD's hair isn't brushed first thing or if the laundry is left downstairs until bed, for example. Maybe a chore "List" would help? And as long as everything on his list is done by the end of the day/week/weekend/whatever, you don't mention it? He then knows he has to do x,y,z but he can do it as and when he feels like it.

I hope things get better, and you're right to hold off on another baby until this is sorted, because the resentment will only grow if you have another DC to look after.

Frustrated yes, often, I am knackered. I leave the dishes, he leaves the dishes, we both tidy up when we have the energy. I do get cross if it ends up with me doing too much which it does some weeks, but other weeks like last week I felt ill and tired, so he had to do more. Including clearing the table/washing up all week. I don't care if it isn't done immediately though.

There isn't a right or wrong, some people have to have a clean house at all times, I would love one but am not prepared to push myself more than I already do. I do find some things my husband does irritating, mainly leave crumbs on the side, and he finds the way I wash laundry 'inadequate' let's say so tries to do it all himself (and gets behind).

You sound exasperated, but honestly, leaving over this? He is not putting his feet up every night, doing bath and bed twice a week plus bed most nights and the dishes is most of the important things in the evening (I don't dust or hoover terribly often though!)

I am not saying don't change anything though, there are tasks which he could help with- but things like the decorations/DIY I wouldn't expect my husband to be having a go at me if they weren't done to his timetable.