Was on the verge of telling DH I've had enough this weekend. I havent, but I am getting increasingly fed up.

[FrustratedWithDH]

Me and DH have been together for over 14 years, married for over 11 years, 2 DCs. I was only 18 when we got together And it was my first relationship (just giving some background /overview).

He is a good husband and a good dad. However I am getting so fed up. Sometimes I feel our relationship ran it's course a long time ago. If we didn't have children I don't know if we would still be together but I am not one to walk away for nothing and it is petty things really but it's building up real resentment on my part.

I am a SAHM due to ill health. DH works full time so I do the household stuff. He does the dishes each have day, takes bins out, bathes DCS, helps or gets them ready for bed. Anything else I do need to ask to be done. There will be much huffing and puffing. It won't be done first time I ask, it will get left, until I ask again, then again. Then he'll do it but be stroppy about it, by which time I am just pissed off. Other times I give up asking and start doing it myself. I tell him it's too late as I'm doing it now so he huffs and puffs about it. I have to ask him to do ANYTHING. Pile of washing to go up, it will sit there for days unless I specify ask, stuff on the stairs, he'll step over, unless I ask. Decorating to be done, no chance of him ever doing it off his own back. I have to nag to get it done then he'll huff and puff about it (he does a good job of it which is why I want him to do it, i'd mess it up and my health means I cantl do much anyway).

Weekend's he gets up with the kids, great. But they are never dressed or ready. If I want him to do it I have to tell him the night before. He'll never brush DDs hair unless I ask him. It means if we do go out on weekends, we never get out until after lunch as kids or him won't be ready. All paperwork, organising any household stuff is down to me. I am better at it and will get it done but he literally has to do nothing apart from answer some questions I may have. If it's something he needs to find out, I have to keep reminding him to get the info as he won't do it else.

He never takes the initiative with anything. If I ever ask his opinion on what we should do/choose I get "I don't know" or he just shrugs. Every single decision is down to me, which sometimes suits me fine but other times i'd like some input.

I have told him before, it gets better for a while then goes back to the same again. He knows I am getting fed up. He ignores problems and pretends they aren't there. The discussion of DC 3 has been on and off and last night I actually told him i'm too pissed off to consider it at the moment. He just said nothing (as usual). This is something I find massively frustrating. If he doesn't agree or doesn't like what he is hearing, he just says absolutely nothing at all. I have to remind d him I have spoken and i'm waiting for an answer.

I don't think he is aware how bad it is. He is doing his usual burying his head but since yesterday I noticed he is talking more instead of sitting in silence (I can be bad for this too as I'm usually just tired by evenings), doing the odd thing without me saying. DS' s birthday was Saturday and we had banners and stuff up. I got up late Sunday morning and they were all still there. He said it does matter and they an all just stay there for a week u til dds birthday! It's this sort of thing that pisses me off because it's purely be a use he can't be bothered, which then means I end up doing it and getting resentful.

Any advice/help is welcome please. Kind of at the end of my tether.

I mean this kindly but with your medical condition and th struggles you are all having and the fact that taking a basket of washing upstairs or brushing hair have become battle grounds, I think it would be unwise to have more children. At least until you are fully recovered from your illness. Why create less sleep and more chores when it is already a struggle to get out the house before lunchtime even with 2 kids and 2 parents and the tasks of running a home are overwhelming.

Good luck for the future hope your illness improves.

I am at the end of my tether just reading this. You sound like very hard work. Christ on a bike! This person can't do anything right. Are the DC's in school?

I also have to be honest, I am not having another (3rd) child as I don't think I could cope with the running of the house, my career and the needs of my existing children. I'd love one but it would tip me over the edge. It is sad though. I think he needs to be realistic about the demands another child would put on you and I would be frank about this (and him doing the laundry carrying/DIY would not alter the burden dramatically).

Weekend's he gets up with the kids, great. But they are never dressed or ready. If I want him to do it I have to tell him the night before. He'll never brush DDs hair unless I ask him. It means if we do go out on weekends, we never get out until after lunch as kids or him won't be ready
How old are your kids OP?
My first thoughts on reading this is that they are together for 11 yrs but DD's hair needs to be brushed by her. Im guessing around 6-8 yrs old?

Sorry but I think the banners thing is totally unreasonable but then my DD's were up for a month along with her cards. She loved it, I had better things to do and took them down when I found the time to go and get a stool. Perhaps I'm not the best person to comment

I'm baffled as to why having child No 3 is simply not a big fat No, given the daily difficulty you have in carrying laundry up the stairs? I don't mean that facetiously but either you don't take it up on point of principle or you can't [a lot of the time at least]. For me the sensible decision would not be to add a 3rd child.

I wasn't sure what you wanted me to give them. I'd only get it wrong' This does tell me that you are pretty controlling and quite possibly sneery at his choices of tights/leggings. Sorry, but that's how it comes across.
I'm pretty fussy about what my kids eat but if you don't want to end up doing literally everything yourself, you have to let him find his feet. Unless he's feeding them chocolate buttons [in which case go out and leave him to do bedtime solo - it's a quick lesson] then at least it's done and dietary choices or meal plans can be developed?

Il be honest if I was your husband is be thinking about leaving you, he works full time so that due to your illness you can be a sahm its your job to keep the house clean and tidy , washing and ironing, and looking after the kids and general household paperwork, you are fortunate that he does seem to do a lot of things around the house and because he doesn't jump to it when you think he needs to do things and he might be a bit lax in brushing the kids hair he's doing you wrong , to be honest you sound like a complete control freak but also I think you maybe need to do something out of the house for yourself as I've seen my sister focus on every minute thing because she was bored at home all day, cut the poor bloke some slack he's your husband not your employee

Hairtoday genuine question. Would you honestly just get up and walk away leaving your plate on the table, would you take something out of a drawer or cupboard and walk off leaving it open? Knowing your DP will come along and shut it for you or ask you to close the thing you have opened?

yes we both forget to do this, dinner things often need clearing away before tea can be eaten, if othet more fun stuff comes up.

and about the tights/ leggings, it doesn't matter, as long as your kids are clean and warm.

I am normally on the my partner doesn't do enough side, but you sound as much hard work as me. it has taken me a long time to realise i am controlling and am now working out how to fix myself.

re: the washing make it "his" job to put washing away. I find named chores help, as i have failed to get my OH to just notice as he honestly doesn't care.

I think you sound spoilt sorry. Your husband supports you financially he baths kids takes bins ououthat mor do you want ffrom him? U don't work so you have all day to do things. Why do you get to lye in on Saturday an sundays? Surely he deserves that privlidge after working al week as well as trying to meet your needs and being a great FATHER.. I work full time as does my husband and I do most the house work and have same arguments and he says nothing because he has respect like your husband cos if he did say something it be something like stop bbbeing a nag for nothing. I believe your illness which I'm sorry to hear is the main problem it get s you down and your poor husband gets the brunt of it

I am at home full time and do the majority of the household tasks while my husband works at a demanding job.

In answer to your question about whether I leave cupboard doors open or leave plates on the table - yes I do. The difference is that I don't have anyone running around after me moaning about it. I will get around to closing it when I notice and even if my husband was here he would either close it for me or let me do it when I'm ready.

Just saying.

Who diagnosed the op with some kind f anxiety disorder? Don't be ridiculous.
I can understand that it must be very wearing to live with another adult who never takes the initiative. I wouldn't be happy either as far as I'm aware I have no problems with anxiety.
You don't have to stay in a relationship that you're unhappy with Frustrated, I know the alternative is not easy. Would you like to stay in the marriage, perhaps consider counselling?

Ooh but then again frustrated , your husband bathes the children for you...... Maybe you should put on your best pinny, apologise and make him a lovely tea. Don't trouble the poor man with any more talk of housework and chores, his mind is already busy with other things. And rightly so for he is the provider of money , know your place woman!

Just saying.

Nobody said that, did they Zame or at least I didn't.

The op has some gripes that are familiar to lots of us. My husband will do household stuff to a different timescale to me and it is frustrating sometimes. This is partly my fault because I want washing up done NOW so that I can relax and he is happy to relax first and then clear away. And don't get me started on the recycling.

The problem with the ops post is some of the examples she uses like the open cupboards thing are something we all do, although the op appears to think not.

I think I need to step away from mn now. I'm having a very snippy day and it's showing in my posts.

Zame, you have a very good point there, coming home to a happy wife with a cup of tea and a smile would proberbly work wonders as my old man used to say you get a lot more with sugar than you do with salt!!! Turn the op post around to it being a woman out at work all day and coming home to a list of jobs that her husband has for her and moaning that she has to get up with the kids whilst he has a lie in, many would cry LTB, I've Ben married 25 years and yes my husband has his faults but so do I , many!! I think she's showing him little respect and good luck with finding someone better, sometimes you have to be thankful for what you have and count your blessings

Right on phone so will be short with no posters names.

I HAVE AN ILLNESS. I am not fucking lazing around in bed letting poor put upon Dh do everything.

He does not completely support me financial ly. In fact I give him money. He does not work so I can stay at home. I am un.able to work as per the doctors. But feel free to make any assumptions you like.

I can cope. I cope well. I am able to look after my children house and dh. Havinf an illness does not make these things impossible only difficult.

I didnt expect complete agreement. I was after some support. But as I am a bossy nagging control freak who DH should be the one 2 want to leave, oh also with GAD ( and I'm genuinely interested in how this conclusion was reached) I see this isnt goi g to happen.

Thsnk you to the constructive posts. I have listened even if it appears I didnt.

I have read many posts from SAHP where posters agree that their DPs responsibilites dont end when they have finished work when they have a family and being a SAHP is full time work. But feel free to villify me because I get no respect or even a hint of what the problem may be from DH, despite me trying in the past.

I'm not sure if I'll cime back to the thread as mainly all its achieved is to kick me while I'm down. Hardly the support I thought relationship s may give. I'll stick to the trivial stuff on here in future.

I had CFS/ME throughout my twenties as a result of glandular fever in my teens (it reoccurs occasionally according to my blood tests). However I made a HUGE impact with my exhaustion by giving up sugar and concentrating on regulating my blood sugar.

I now live a pretty much normal life and have done since I turned thirty (am forty in a few weeks). If you haven't tried a strict diet to help I would wholeheartedly recommend it.

I'd reeeeeeally like to hear the other side of this story. I.e. what the husband has to say about this.

If I was the husband I'd be as miserable as shit.

Not a really hard job, something he can do easily. They are busy and have a lot of work but he can bring it home so it's working hours, walk out door and done until next day. Sounds a bit like my job, I too bring work home occasionally and I come home and don't feel like being nagged to do housework. Frankly housework doesn't get done to a high standard because I'm too tired. Luckily I'm single so don't have someone nagging me about it

Lower your standards or use the money you are giving him to pay for a cleaner?

It's nothing to do with me. It's how he is. wow, a little self-reflection may be valuable here OP. Sounds like he is just switching off when you start at him again rather than get into an argument with you. From what you have said, it does sound like he is pulling his weight but you are hard to please!

I have been on the receiving end of this as my exW sounds very similar - everything had to be done when she wanted, exactly how she wanted and she would never let anything go. The most trivial things (cutting grass, painting a wall etc) had to be done on her terms and with her guidance and input of course. The more she nagged, the more I dug my heels in and disengaged... When I challenged her behaviour she gave me the same response that you did - "its not me, its you" followed by "this is who I am, this is the way its going to be". Note that she is now my ex...

DopeyDawg
^for me, it is the 'I work outside the house so I deserve to come home and rest' mentality.
I see that that is what he believes is fair, but if one person is ill then things have to be slightly different^

But the DH isn't doing that. He's coming home form a day at work THEN doing the dishes, baths the kids, puts the kids to bed, does the bins and other stuff but not necessarily when or how the OP wants it Anything else I do need to ask to be done. There will be much huffing and puffing. It won't be done first time I ask, it will get left, until I ask again, then again. Then he'll do it but be stroppy about it, by which time I am just pissed off. using the example of the banners, which were up on the Saturday and OP wasn't happy they were still up on the Sunday, then I think if this is typical behaviour I would tell the OP to fuck right off.

A couple of years ago, I had a serious physical ailment. I could manage going to work by car and coming home and bunging fish fingers and oven chips into the oven. That was it. DH had to do everything else. The shopping, cleaning, taking the kids places. It was like that until I recovered. Of course there were things I would have sooner he did quicker, or differently but he's a fully grown adult, pulling his weight and there was no way I was going to dictate to him how he should be doing things to satisfy me.

OP, I'm sorry about some of the things said on this thread, you are ill and that is why you don't have full strength with the housework/childcare all the time. I also agree it should be shared- that's why I asked if you have significantly less time after the kids go to bed free to do your hobbies/relax as your husband does?

The point is life is tiring, and dismissing your husband's work as 'easy' and the contribution he does make (which is quite a bit although not all the evening household activities) won't help the situation. You need another pair of hands in there if possible- cleaner?

You could also identify for him the particular tasks you really can't do due to illness and make sure those are done.

When you start going on about birthday decorations not taken down the next day that does sound demanding. I don't do this and I don't expect my husband to do so. It is that rather demanding aspect that I think has triggered some of the responses, whereas deep down, there may be real issues about sharing free time/responsibilities.

Obviously to get to the stage of splitting up seems drastic given the nature of the problem, and also not to solve the problem as you would if you ended up with the children with you f/t have to do all evenings/bedtimes/washing up yourself. Have you talked with him about the hobby/distribution of responsibilities as a whole rather than just go on about each individual thing?

Your poor DHx. It's a wonder he hasn't decided that he's had enough!

What's stopping you from taking the laundry upstairs when you've folded it? What's stopping you from brushing DDs hair? Why are you lying in bed all morning and then moaning that nobody is ready and the housework hasn't been done? Honestly, I'd take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. You sound like incredibly hard work.

And I'm sorry that you did not get the support that you wanted on this thread but it may be how you come across with your responses that has caused irritation with some of the posters. Again, reflect a little on how others may perceive you, how you come across in your personal life and maybe your relationship with your husband will also improve. I believe he is telling you something but you are having difficulty hearing and accepting it.

I see the OP has left, and she was getting a not-wholly-deserved kicking, so I can sort of see why. I was trying to find a way to phrase this nicely earlier, but OP, if you are still around, it is about control. If you relax and let DH do things his way, he would probably take more decisions. Because you want things done your way, to your standards and your timescales, he seems to have given up having opinions or taking initiative.

I am (slowly) learning to let go and let DH do stuff his way. I have no choice because I am away sometimes for work. There are lots of things he does (and doesn't do) that drive me nuts, but I have managed to get a grip and realise that the same is probably true the other way round, and that his view of what needs to be done and when is no less valid than mine even when he is wrong

You are being controlling, and that is not helping either of you. He feels nagged and you feel put upon because you have to nag.

oh and the decorations needing to be down within hours is just nuts