am i actually stupid because i dont understand at all?

[idokidok13]

theres lots of other things but just taking this one thing, so I can be sure I'm not going mad or over reacting.
This is going to sound petty but this morning, I got out the shower, still had a headache and just felt upset, but not for any reason in particular just really upset so I laid down for 10 mins. Dp comes in and asks what's wrong, I tell him I'm not sure I just feel upset but its not because of you I just feel a bit sad really
I then get shouted at for an hour and a half, because apparently it IS about him, and if its not then I'm being horrible and selfish because I'm "sulking"
I don't know what I've done wrong I just dont get it, I genuinely wasn't trying to be horrible I just suddenly felt really, really upset and now apparently I'm selfish, stupid, an idiot, lazy, dont care about him or show him enough respect or do anything (I do pretty much everything) not attracted to him, not happy enough and I'm a baby who doesn't "get over anything"

If you are scared of regretting a termination at this stage, think very hard. The years/potentially lifetime of regrets after an abortion can be crippling. More so than an extra child.

I know several people who have had terminations, but knew it was the right action for that moment in their lives. At the early stages, particularly, when it is division of cells & nothing formed.
Obviously people have their own reasoning, & beliefs, no one can tell you what you should do:
For me, I would worry about just the knowledge of the abusive father, being double tied to you is a problem, he isn't going to pay for a second.
The worry that he might get back into your life.
& Finances, child care, & the logistics of moving on to further relationships with 2 small children. Altho it seems the norm now for people to make children, & the state takes over the finances
Only you can know how all these things weigh up.

I really don't know, I didn't plan to be on benefits and pregnant, I didn't clearly think properly but he was working when I got pregnant and I didn't really think about what I was doing but I didn't think the relationship would go this way. Naïve I suppose.

I'm scared I'll go mad or something, lots of people online seem to have gotten really depressed and never gotten over it, I'm definitely not a mentally "strong" person. I definitely have the capacity to go mad.
I know its not a baby yet but it still seems like its a baby sometimes.

I'm not against abortion at all. Not in the slightest, the only reason I kept ds was that I was almost 15 weeks when I found out.
In an ideal world I'd be not pregnant, or failing that brave enough for a termination. But in reality I don't know. I'd have to do it by myself just sit at home on my own with ds aborting a baby that just sounds terrifying.
I feel sick all the time I don't feel like I even have the right to feel sick, I mean technically I'm pregnant but if I'm planning on terminating it then I can really act all pathetic about feeling sick and tired and miserable. I wish I didn't find out yet I wish I found out at 9 weeks and do the surgical under ga. I could handle that I think.

Not to mention the pictures every site seems to have of tiny little aborted half formed babies, I don't know if id cope seeing something like that, even though I know full well it isn't a baby. These pictures are from the ore life brigade and I'm not going to look at them anymore. I know it doesn't even have a brain that's anything like an actual brain but I just feel guilty. I feel guilty for killing a potential sibling for ds. I'd also feel guilty for having a baby in this situation I just wish I knew which I would feel most guilty for long term

Please Please don't torture yourself with photos of half formed babies. It isn't helping, & in reality you would see nothing of the sort.
personally I don't think you should rip yourself apart worrying about killing a potential sibling. You sound like a morally intelligent person, who has feelings & wants to do the right thing for you given the circumstances.
You sound extremely strong to me, not at all with a "capacity to go mad", (which may also happen if you are bringing up 2 small babies on a shoe string!)
Could you talk to a pregnancy councillor ? could you talk to you Mum ?
Have you tried making a pros & cons list ?

I've made a GP appointment for next week but its with a really old fashioned slightly judgemental doctor, I saw him before and he just assumed I'd be getting a termination before I even said anything, he made me cry and treated me like a child. It's the quickest one I could get though.

My mum would not be impressed tbh I'd rather not have her know I think she's against abortions anyway. But she also thinks the moon has superpowers and would just say everything happens for a reason. Have spoken to my best friend, she's away at uni but I didn't want to bring up feeling bad etc to her, because she's had an abortion before and know it took her ages to be ok with it I dont want to upset her

Ive gone through pros and cons, I know what I should do I'm just scared of the actual abortion bit I won't have any support during it and it just sounds hard.
I feel so undecided it's so hard but that's probably just a biology thing or something not necessarily what's best.

Be fair to yourself, you have had a whole lot of emotional upset over the past 2 weeks, you were already sad at the start ! the crap boyfriend, his antics, the money, the housing, & keeping up beat for your child, now on top, you have hormones flying high, you are young & alone.....
It is a whole big bag of shit you are dealing with & you sound very solid to me, considering the fall out around you.
Can you do a list... write 2 columns & actually write the pros & cons, it might help you balance the situation.
I know a lot of people who have had terminations, they all without exception were OK with it afterwards, they looked at the global situation & took the road that was right for them.. You just cannot know 100% how you will feel. But initially you did say that you were hoping that it just wasn't going to happen.

Could you go to a Marie Stopes clinic rather than the GP?

Marie Stopes will give you support and unbiased guidance. They are used to people in situations like yours.

Don't be too hard on yourself, OP. The most important thing is that you look after yourself. Nearly everyone I know has had an abortion or two. The only reason I haven't is because I was just not that fertile.

Just to let you know we've edited a couple of posts to remove RL names.
Thanks

Are you alright idok ? did you get your rdv with GP ?