am i actually stupid because i dont understand at all?

[idokidok13]

theres lots of other things but just taking this one thing, so I can be sure I'm not going mad or over reacting.
This is going to sound petty but this morning, I got out the shower, still had a headache and just felt upset, but not for any reason in particular just really upset so I laid down for 10 mins. Dp comes in and asks what's wrong, I tell him I'm not sure I just feel upset but its not because of you I just feel a bit sad really
I then get shouted at for an hour and a half, because apparently it IS about him, and if its not then I'm being horrible and selfish because I'm "sulking"
I don't know what I've done wrong I just dont get it, I genuinely wasn't trying to be horrible I just suddenly felt really, really upset and now apparently I'm selfish, stupid, an idiot, lazy, dont care about him or show him enough respect or do anything (I do pretty much everything) not attracted to him, not happy enough and I'm a baby who doesn't "get over anything"

Can you go now and ask your neighbour to be there when he picks his stuff up? Failing that, to come knock loudly on the door if he's not out within a few mins or she hears shouting etc, and to then ring the police if you don't answer within a minute or so?

you can also bluff, if you haven't done it, saying that you have called 101, & that they are aware
if it goes smoothly, get your key back now

Even though he has a key you can leave your key in the lock from the inside to prevent him from gaining entry.

He's violent and abusive and knows just what to say to wheedle his way back. Don't risk being on your own with him.

Oh, and changing the lock barrel is really easy to do yourself. I think I managed to do it from the instructions from the packaging, but I'm sure there's loads of informative videos on youtube.

People who lives with bullies often think it's their fault (rather tahn the bully's) and that the bullying is rooted in something they did wrong. It's not. He's the bully, he's the one in the wrong.
Leave him, as soon as you can.
please!

Well I didn't take your advice but I should have done. I got my keys back eventually. Tried to call 101 when he was here but you need credit to do that apparently and imhad run out (I didn't let him know that, and the threat of seeing me do it made him leave. Broke the modem but I've managed to fix it. He's gone. That was scary, but he's gone. Phoned me as soon as he left about 20 times. Apparently he is going to leave me alone now. He is going to leave money in the post box and then he is not going to contact me again. Apparently he is very sorry. Really???? He was very sorry earlier, didn't stop him kicking off again tonight though did it :(

Well done idok. Thank god he's gone for now. What a horrible man. Remember that you can report him for harassment to the police if he keeps contacting you after you've told him to stop.

I'd look into arranging a lock change anyway, just in case he's made a copy (though it doesn't sound like he'd have had time to or thought to do so, right? Did he expect you to ask for your keys back?).

Why/how did he break the modem? Just FYI for next time: if you're in an acute situation, ring 999, not 101. If you needed someone to come out right then and help you remove him, you ring 999. It's what they're there for. You were in danger.

He broke the modem because he said I was using it to talk to my "Facebook boyfriends" (whatever that means) and then called me a slag and obviously the only reason I'm doing this is because I want to have sex with men with massive dicks. That upsets me really I'm not a Slag! :( he broke my phone charger too, I think he was trying to stop me being able to communicate or something. Lucky I had a spare he didn't know about. He went mad saying I have to give him the fridge/freezer, washing machine and TV because he paid for them, I said ok take them but he just went mad saying I was stealing them from him? I dont even want them if I could move them I would. He was being so consuming telling me I had to help get his stuff, then saying that I am in his way md I have to sit on the sofa, then he came near the sofa and started ftelling me to fuck off and then went really scary and angry I didn't know the what to do so I ran outside the flats but ds was still home so I came back but sat next to the door

I feel so stupid everyone said don't be alone with him, call the police etc but I was so sure he wouldn't kick off but I must just not know him at all I really didn't think he would do that he knew before hand I wasn't going to talk to him and he was just to get his stuff. Why am I so stupid ffs it was obvious

Just because there can be a reason for somethign happening, it doesn't mean it's a good or acceptable reason?

His behaviour is not acceptable.

It sounds like he wanted to scare you and bully you by saying whatever he thought would work. It certainly doesn't sound an awful lot like he was actually particularly interested in getting the various appliances moved elsewhere.

The stuff about suggesting you must be seeing (or going after) other people because you don't want to be with him, and breaking your means of communicating with others, is terrifying. This is a dangerous and nasty man. Do not trust anything he says about anything in future.

You did really well in a difficult situation OP. You're not stupid at all. If there's a flaw in your make up it's that you were still hoping he was a reasonable person in spite of everything. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way.... that's all.

Please do consider reporting him still. His type tend to be persistent.

Why am I so stupid ffs it was obvious

Uuf, because you are a nice person, idoki, and you expect other people to be nice like you. A lot of the people who are advising are people who have been through similar stuff and probably made similar mistakes.

The important thing is that he is gone and you have your keys back and after this performance you are unlikely to open the door to him again.

Now stop calling yourself stupid, it is more than evident that you as smart as they come and you should start your new life by shedding those types of ways of seeing yourself.

Wow, you had a lucky break idok. I must say, that I as a virtual friend, sometimes I ask myself if I am fanning the flames... but here we are, the abusive boyfriend proved to be just as I feared.
You got off lightly, you thought he was going to be contrite & go without being vicious.
this time hopefully this is a lesson learned ? he is an aggressive abusive waste of space.... people here have been trying to explain the way they work,
please don't get too sad, imagine how bad it was going to become, there was only one way it was going to go, violence, & submission on your part.
Don't feel disappointed that you must now continue without him, just Thank Heavens that you were wise enough to doubt that it was OK, & posted here for advice..
Mumsnet is really the last resort for many women.
Where is your Mum in all this ? Do you have a decent relationship with her? Is it impossible to go to her for love & support ?
Please do contact HV & talk about all these new events. You do need some RL support; Life, even in a perfect marriage situation, with a tiny baby is often incredibly hard, don't think you are not managing, all first time Mums wallow in doubt....
Well done for this evening, it will get better from now on.
PLEASE DO NOT READ? OR REPLY TO ANY TEXTS OR MESSAGES FROM XP.
he will only do your head in. You owe him nothing. if he wants his fridge/other, he can have it. Good Riddance.
You might want to start a diary of events, to catalogue the abuse.
You could also send a text to his mother about how he behaved this evening & tell her why he is no longer accepted in your home.

Thank you for everything you've said you lot have really helped me. I would have ended up having him back yesterday but as he was kicking off, I just though, wow, strangers on the internet knew he would act like this, they are saying he is horrible and he would kick off and he did. I realised he was not the person I thought he was, no, he's a predictable nasty little man and nothing I do will change that.
He spent last night liking picture of other women on Facebook, to make me jealous. Didnt work, they can have him ffs, not that they would want him. Has now been deleted and blocked. Text me this morning saying he has left money on the letterbox outside (he works).... ok so I check (I have -£4 so no choice but to accept his help for now) £60.00 is he joking? He knows I have rent to sort. Bills to pay. He was living here I'm not really being unreasonable that he contributes towards what he used. He knows I have no access to anything but Nope. He's a prick. He knows me and ds can't live off that, legally he has to pay more than that! I don't want his help though. As soon as I have my benefits sorted any money from him is going straight in a savings account for ds. I'm not relying on him in any way if I can help it.
I'll be fine though, selling the remainder of his belongings and borrow from my mum, never rely on him

And I will be taking up the offer of free childcare to do a course at college that HE stopped me doing. And I will be getting a part time job. That he also went out of his way to stop me doing. Freedom.

does he work? If so file a claim for maintenance with the CMS. And I am glad you have blocked him on FB. Make sure your own FB is private too so only your own friends can see what you post.

He does work, I will be claiming maintenance from him definitely, I don't went the money as income (because I know he would probably just stop paying every now and then, I dint want him to have any ability to affect my life) but I will be claiming it, its what ds is entitled to and seeing as his dad is completely useless as a human, well at least he can gain something from him that might be useful.
I know I'm going to need to talk to him, and think about what's going to happen re contact at some point. On the one hand, I feel like, he hasn't hurt ds, so should see him regularly, nut on the other, he hasn't shown any consideration for ds, breaking things/screaming in front of him. He shouted at him when he was a newborn for crying at night ffs. Ds adores him though and of course I want him to have his dad in his life

Which is why you need to report his behaviour to someone official. Police, HV, your GP. Anyone to have it on record that he is abusive. Then when he wants contact in the future you can arrange for it to be at a contact centre only ensuring safety for your DS.

You are quite right to arrange official child maintenance btw - it is his legal duty. You do not need to justify your reasons for claiming it.

And - brilliant about college and work btw. Fabulous.

You sound optimistic at last, Well done.
You do know that an abuser deliberately manipulates his prey? they cut you off financially, so he is probably hoping you beg him to come back because you are broke. DON'T
They cut you off from family & friends, critisising them & pushing them away.
They don't want to you to work in order to limit your contact with other "healthy" people,
They are jealous of any outside contacts, threaten you over imaginary lovers.
They don't want you to go to college & improve yourself as you may learn to be independent
They sulk, or rant, or punish if you step out of line.
They dominate & put you down, tell you are stupid, incapable, everything is your fault.
They always have a bigger problem than yours,
They go thru cycles of being aggressive, then are nice to wind you back in when they know its gone too far.
So, who does this make you think of ?
You have been in a really bad relationship, sadly you didn't know, but so many women get stuck in these relationships with their self esteem being continually diminished, so you are NOT stupid, you are very with it, you saw it happening, you realized it was wrong & had the strength & courage to make the moves to stop it.
Please send email to you HV, you must do as advised so that his aggressive behaviour is on record, to protect yourself & get it on record that he is actually dangerous, & should not be allowed alone with your DS.
The SS will not penalize you for saying you were OK last time, when they hear the truth it will be him that is in trouble.
Be strong, don't answer his texts, calls, emails,
It is your strength, he cannot manipulate you if you won't talk to him.
re contact, He can see DS when you have sorted out contact not before, if he starts saying "its my right" then tell him he should have considered that before when he was abusing you.
DO not get into his mind games on Facebook, he will probably be lying & saying all sort so hurtful things. Facebook is not your friend here.

You are wonderful mother, OP, and example for your child. Do protect your ds by getting his violent and abusive behaviour on record.

All the best with your studies and your new life, I have a feeling that you will go far.

Please report him OP. You are being so strong. Don't let him worm his way back into your like. Single parents are so well supported financially so don't worry about that. He was squashing you and also DS. You can build a good life now. Get support from people that don't want to destroy you.

I'm finding the idea of reporting everything to the police so, so hard. Stupid as it sounds I did/do love him and the thought of him being arrested, or not being allowed to see ds breaks my heart.
I've been feeling sick with guilt every time I look at our son, his little face lights up when he sees his dad...
I seem to be going from feeling really positive to feeling really scared

fucking fuck for fuck sake found his fuckin tinder account. For some reason am so upset about being cheated on I phoned him. Why the fuck.

I'm sorry, of course it's very shocking and hurtful

But please don't phone him