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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am i actually stupid because i dont understand at all?

186 replies

idokidok13 · 30/01/2015 16:39

theres lots of other things but just taking this one thing, so I can be sure I'm not going mad or over reacting.
This is going to sound petty but this morning, I got out the shower, still had a headache and just felt upset, but not for any reason in particular just really upset so I laid down for 10 mins. Dp comes in and asks what's wrong, I tell him I'm not sure I just feel upset but its not because of you I just feel a bit sad really
I then get shouted at for an hour and a half, because apparently it IS about him, and if its not then I'm being horrible and selfish because I'm "sulking"
I don't know what I've done wrong I just dont get it, I genuinely wasn't trying to be horrible I just suddenly felt really, really upset and now apparently I'm selfish, stupid, an idiot, lazy, dont care about him or show him enough respect or do anything (I do pretty much everything) not attracted to him, not happy enough and I'm a baby who doesn't "get over anything"

OP posts:
Original poster
idokidok13 · 31/01/2015 09:00

I don't know how to do this, it sounds stupid but I think ill miss him too much, jes not horrible 24/7 he can be caring and sweet and seems to want me to be hpy. its not just me he's like this with, he gets angry really easy with people all the time, I think he's got anger problems. I'm just worried about feeling lonely, I don't really have any friends, I haven't seen most of my old friends for a long time, they don't have kids and kinda stopped talking to me after ds. I know I can look after ds by myself, easy, I've done it most of his life anyway he's a good boy, I love looking after him he's my best little friend. But the evenings alone, every day, no adults to talk to stuff scares me

OP posts:
alabastergirl · 31/01/2015 09:24

It is called the cycle of abuse. He isn't horrid all the time - this is how abusers work. Whether he has anger problems or not is irrelevant. He could kill you. You cannot under any circumstances take him back. You do know that don't you?

You need support, WA, police, SS. What about friends and family?

If not for yourself you need to protect your son. You are so young, you have your whole life ahead. If you stay with him you may have no life at all, or you may not be allowed access to your son any more.

mix56 · 31/01/2015 09:28

Yes thats very normal, so he is better than no one ? you are very young, you will find a new loving partner.
If you keep him he must get anger management then, if he wants to be part of your life he is going to have to behave like a responsible adult, not someone who goes off at a tangent over a wrong word. How does this bode for your DC. what kind of example is it, it can't happen, it needs addressing now, not in 2, 5, 10 years, when he swings a punch.
Does he have a job??? if not he should sodding well get one & start to be a man, maybe that would take the aggression out of his life (don't count on it)
You can go to mother & baby groups & make some mum friends, your HV can give you help with this.

MarrogfromMars · 31/01/2015 09:40

You could find new friends or reconnect with old ones if your energy wasn't drained by living with the threat of violence and verbal abuse. Even find a nice normal bloke who would bring you a cup of tea when you're sad. Most men aren't abusers - you don't have to settle for the wormy apple in the box.

Original poster
idokidok13 · 31/01/2015 10:22

That's the thing isn't it, its scary now but its worth it to not spend the next 50 years or so like this. Ive only known him what, 2 years. I managed the first 20 years without him just fine, I'm sure I can live without him, its just a shame really, I wanted a normal family. One thing that's got me worried, we were trying for a baby (Why I would do that I do not know. I am an idiot) so waiting for my period and praying atm
Neighbour messaged to ask if things were ok yesterday, because of the shouting. that just proves its not normal doesn't it. If it was normal she wouldn't have asked if things were ok.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 31/01/2015 10:44

You need proof that it's not normal?

mix56 · 31/01/2015 10:47

O MY GOD, so its wasn't just a stroppy conversation, there was shouting loud enough for the neighbors to hear. Do you know this neighbour? is it a woman ?
What about going round with baby in your arms & say sorry. She might ask you in for tea, she may prove to be older & have some loving supportive words for you. You know that women stick together & that she (?) doesn't have to be your age to be your friend. You might have the very friend you need living on your doorstep. S/He had the decency to call & ask if you were OK,
Well did you say YES ? if so you are already being submissive & covering for this miserable excuse of a mantchild. If I lived near you I would willingly help. whether just listening, supporting or holding the baby.
Why not give it a go , nothing to lose after all.
What are you going to do if you are pregnant, yes, you need to think about this very seriously, you need to speak to HV Monday.

alabastergirl · 31/01/2015 10:48

I still think you need to report him to the police. He beat you and raped you. You really need this on record.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2015 11:00

Please stay strong this morning OP. You ask why you're trying for a baby. You said earlier that he had somehow moved into your home. You didn't know why you felt suddenly sad in he shower. All of those things suggest that you are being manipulated into doing things that you don't really want to do.

I wouldn't be surprised if the reason your friends dropped away after you had his baby was because they could see the type of person he was. It's very upsetting & frustrating to be friends with someone who is being abused.

And do ask for help. Social Services, Women's Aid, the police.... Men like this damage everyone around them, children included. You and your baby deserve help.

Original poster
idokidok13 · 31/01/2015 12:41

"I just want to be perfect for you and it does my head in when I'm not and I start shouting and screaming when I don't understand like I did yesterday I was just having a really bad day and I took it out on you. I fucking hate what I've put you through it's not right and it's not a way I want to live like. I've been used to growing up with my family screaming and shouting at each other and that's where I guess I pick up the habit.

I know I've said this before but when you told me how you felt afterwards words can't describe how shit I feel about acting like this to you. I can't live without you I can't really put in words how sorry I am for yesterday. I will change my attitude and stop being so selfish because I owe you a lot for everything you've done for me and I've done fuck all back. Please find it in your heart to forgive me and give me another chance. I love you. Xx"

Umm... Confused

OP posts:
WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 31/01/2015 12:46

You have had some really good honest advice here OP.

Please listen. Please don't take him back. He will never change and it is more than likely that he will just get worse. After all, if you forgive him he will believe he can do it again and you will forgive him again.

LoisPuddingLane · 31/01/2015 12:50

Don't believe a word of his message. He won't change. He has sex with you without consent, and is physically abusive towards you, and so verbally abusive the neighbours (AND YOUR CHILD, I should point out) can hear him.

Dump.

mix56 · 31/01/2015 12:59

Well fine, once he has done an anger management course & got a job, tell him to give you a call.
He won't/can't just change, its not that easy.
tell that actions speak louder than words, do not take him back until he has proved he has changed.

alabastergirl · 31/01/2015 13:07

come on OP - he could go to prison for what he has done to you - and you are considering taking him back. What would you say to your daughter in your situation?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2015 13:23

Abusive men are shameless when it comes to manipulation. If they can't beat and yell someone into submission they will pull any trick in the book to stay in control. Sob stories, promises to change, fake remorse, blaming a bad childhood..... some even threaten suicide. Anything to get them back in the front door.

You owe him nothing and, if there was any justice, he'd be locked up somewhere where he can't hurt you or anyone else. See how far he gets with a judge with those kinds of excuses.

Please stay strong.

Quiero · 31/01/2015 13:33

I bet he's done this apology before...after he strangled you did he say something similar? After he pushed you? After he tipped you out of bed?

Think back to how many times he's apologised and promised to change and whether he has ever kept those promises.

Coyoacan · 31/01/2015 13:46

Anger management courses don't come with a guarantee, unfortunately, so even if he did agree to take one, I don't think you should take him back, but you might eventually allow him to see his child unsupervised.

Go to mother and toddler groups and take advantage of every opportunity to meet people. Look for your old friends too. Abusive partners prefer to keep their victim isolated as they are more vulnerable.

And he is following a pattern. I was in a relationship like this once and my heart would have melted with a text like that. They sound so vulnerable and you just want to protect them, even though you were the victim. But they don't change or even want to change.

Original poster
idokidok13 · 31/01/2015 15:30

Thank you everyone for all your advice.
Oh, yeah this apology has happened so many times before, I never fully believe it but somehow I always just end up forgiving him. I don't know why, I'm a weak person I suppose. His apologies are always followed up by excuses, he says he knows he was wrong, then it goes "but if you didn't wind me up then I wouldn't of had to do that" that sort of thing.
I told him to leave, sort his shit out then maybe theres a chance, but he has to leave at least for now. He got angry at that on the phone but I hung up. He's coming to pick up his things later, then I'm going to not talk to him unless its about ds for a while so I can get s clear head, and work out how I feel/think and know its genuinely my own thoughts, not ones I'm being bullied into thinking. Well that's the plannanyway wether that's what happens is a different story

OP posts:
alabastergirl · 31/01/2015 15:35

Please don't let him in to pick his stuff up. Leave it outside. Make sure you get your key back too.

You need to keep yourself & DS safe.

He will only be nice until you dare disagree with him - then he will get dangerous. If you suspect he will start you can ask the police to come round while he is there getting his stuff. You just need to call 101 to ask them.

Have you phoned Women's Aid yet?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2015 15:40

Full of remorse until the point where you don't do what he wants and then he gets angry again. .... So he lied about that.

Definitely don't let him into your home. Call 101, ask for the DV unit, tell them he's going to collect bis stuff which will be outside and say you're worried he will get aggressive. If he does cause problems, call 999 and they'll be ready.

Please don't take any chances. You're not weak, stupid or anything else negative.

mix56 · 31/01/2015 15:58

sadly I have to urge you to follow this police advice.
he may think he can talk you round & if your refuse rebel may completely freak out, I would say have his stuff on the door step & have your phone in your hand incase he gets violent, don't let him in, or close the door, ask the neighbor to come while he is there.
anything you like but don't be alone with him.

43percentburnt · 31/01/2015 17:34

Op has he been round? If not please do not let him in. He will do everything to worm his way round you.

You don't need this man at all. Please get everything on record. He is dangerous.

Original poster
idokidok13 · 31/01/2015 17:45

Not yet, I can't not let him in because he has a key, the door doesn't lock from thru inside, well it does, but it can be unlocked with a key outside. I'm just gunna pack up his stuff so all he needs to do is get his things and leave

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2015 17:53

If it's your house (you're the named tenant for the Housing Association? ) you can get your key back and refuse him entry. If you think there will be any unpleasantness whatsoever, you can get police support. This man is violent, aggressive and you've just said he's angry at your decision. You have to assume he is not going to cooperate

alabastergirl · 31/01/2015 17:54

please don't let him in. Why don't you pack his stuff and leave it on the doorstep.

You really need to call the police or have your neighbour with you. When is he coming round?

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