am i actually stupid because i dont understand at all?

[idokidok13]

theres lots of other things but just taking this one thing, so I can be sure I'm not going mad or over reacting.
This is going to sound petty but this morning, I got out the shower, still had a headache and just felt upset, but not for any reason in particular just really upset so I laid down for 10 mins. Dp comes in and asks what's wrong, I tell him I'm not sure I just feel upset but its not because of you I just feel a bit sad really
I then get shouted at for an hour and a half, because apparently it IS about him, and if its not then I'm being horrible and selfish because I'm "sulking"
I don't know what I've done wrong I just dont get it, I genuinely wasn't trying to be horrible I just suddenly felt really, really upset and now apparently I'm selfish, stupid, an idiot, lazy, dont care about him or show him enough respect or do anything (I do pretty much everything) not attracted to him, not happy enough and I'm a baby who doesn't "get over anything"

OP - you can also do the Freedom Programme online - not as good as RL but still invaluable.

www.onespace.org.uk/learning/

I am sorry if you feel we are going on about reporting him. Remember we are on your side, and only want to protect you and give invaluable advice - many of us here have been in similar situations and know what is needed, how you are feeling and what your next advisable step should be. I know how hard it is to do it, but it is really important you do. You will feel so empowered after. Oh and btw you speak very well and come across as educated and eloquent, so please stop putting yourself down.

Springy daffs - You can turn off love. Especially when it's not really love. And when your partner has attacked you and raped you. I'm 48 I've been in love many times, had my heart broken, broken hearts.

In the (two) instances where I was treated badly, I wrenched my heart and mind away as I just knew there was no other choice but to go cold turkey and tear them out of my life.

It's like saying 'you can't help who you fall in love with' when people have affairs (not saying you agree with this!) - yes you absolutely can help who you fall in love with. Mind over matter.

But appreciate it's very hard. And particularly when someone's done a manipulative, abusive number on you.

Well, I suppose I'm a believer in keeping a balance between head and heart. Re I don't let my head force my heart to do something my head thinks is right. I suppose I believe one treats the heart with respect and doesn't force it to do something it isn't ready for.

imo, anyway, the head stuff gradually converts the heart, but it isn't an overnight job. I think OP already knows the score and she is acting accordingly - and action is the best evidence that the relevant information has been fully taken on board.

re you can't help who you fall in love with - I do agree with this. I don't agree that it means you DO something about it ie have an affair, helpless in the face of lurve ffs . No, you don't do anything about it but you give your heart the space to get over it.

You are obviously more of a heart person than a head person Springy, I admit to being the other way round (except with my dc who I am slightly doolally over!) which has generally held me in good stead and I'm in a long loving marriage.

You sound lovely and thoughtful btw .

I think you are doing great idokidok13. Rome wasn't build in a day.

Don't think I even have a hv anymore since I moved away then moved back so I'm not sure if my hv is the same.
I used to see a woman from sure start a lot (that parents as first teachers thing) she was really lovely actually, maybe I will go and speak to her about it I'm pretty sure she'll believe me, ss spoke to her when they were involved so she probably suspected it a bit anyway

I've had a lot of therapy to get out of my head and give my heart some space, bg

oh that surestart woman sounds perfect, idok. Do follow up with eg Freedom Programme, though (and Womens Aid - your surestart woman should support you getting the ball rolling on those).

Keep going, girl. One foot in front of the other.

That's brilliant, Ido. I'm sure the Surestart lady would be a brilliant person to start with.

Let us know how you get on.

Pregnant. Fuck tuck fuck.

It will be ok.

You have a lot to deal with right now, but it will be ok. You will get through all of this, bit by bit.

Do you want another child? I know it's difficult, but try to put your ex out of your mind for the minute, and just focus on you and your own personal feelings about this pregnancy. Just you. Don't think of anything of anyone else. How do you feel about it?

idok, what do you think you want to do about this ? I hear your cry, but its hard to comment.
First off, Do not panic, do not tell him, there is time for that if you want to involve him. It is your body, you have the total control over it.
Naturally he will want you to have the baby as it makes you an even easier piece of game to hunt, & you will have even less possibility of getting independent, & getting away.

Some of the things to consider are:
You are young & already have one dependent...Do you think you can cope with another baby already, is it fair on your existing child ? Do you plan to return to your studies ?

I did want another baby but I think I was just deluded I have no idea why I thought that would be any sort of good idea at all. I feel so, so stupid right now.
I struggled with my child, but not because of him as such more because I was still living with my parents and sharing a room with my sister and had to clean everything for 5 adults and look after my sister a lot and was sharing a room and just had no space. The actual looking after of him was easy for me, but then he was an easy baby and of course I can't guarantee an easy baby...
I feel like it stops me doing a lot of things, but then what I was going to do id decided was an one uni degree and volunteer for work experience, there's no reason why I couldn't do that and be pregnant, but I know that it would be easy to not focus on my life if I were having another baby.
Sometimes I worry about my child being the only child in the family, Christmases etc might be boring for him?

On the other hand I'm basically terrified of having a Newbury and a toddler all by myself. And I doubt i'd do a good job at a maths degree with no sleep, id of been out of work nearly 3 years when the babies born and I don't know if i'd just be messing my life up completely.

I was really starting to feel so positive as well, making plans, deciding what to do with my future etc. I just really don't want to have to make a decision and I jut wish the whole situation would go away :(

As others have said, try not to panic. Yes you do have to make a decsion but not right now. If you are only 4 weeks pregnant you have some time .

Make an appointment with your GP for the end of next week , whatever you do you'll want to see them

Remember you have a number of different options , there are pros and cons to each one . You can

Keep the baby and bring him /her up yourself
Have the baby and give him up for adoption
Have the baby and have him brought up by a relative of yours or your partners
Terminate the pregnancy

these are not in any order BTW. And You are the only person who can work out what's right for you in your situation .

You can find out information that will help you with this eg others down thread have mentioned help for student parents , college crèches etc

And remember that if you decide not to have this baby now, it doesn't mean that DS won't have a sibling some time in the future .

Thank you yes ill make a go appointment in the morning

For me Its definitely a choice between termination or keeping and looking after myself. I just feel so guilty because it wasn't an accident, we were trying to have a baby and it happened. Quicker than I thought but it wasn't an accident really.

But I know that theres a better chance of my life going well if I don't continue with the pregnancy... but if I try hard enough I could have this baby and still focus on improving my life for me and ds and any other future children or whatever.

I feel like a horrible person because I got myself into this situation basically and have just changed my mind. Childish idiot.

I know I am posting a lot sorry I'm just panicking I think rambling

It's fine to post a lot

It's normal to feel a bit panicy and not be able to think clearly

You haven't just " changed your mind", your circumstances have changed . It's not your fault , we can't control everything

And whatever you do or whatever happens , either way, you WILL feel guilty. We all do , usually because we just want to be the best possible mums to our kids and none of us is perfect .

You haven't just " changed your mind", your circumstances have changed . It's not your fault , we can't control everything

This

And you have to look after yourself, OP.

Apologies for jumping in but have just read the full thread and I'm absolutely astounded at your bravery Op. You've got time to make a decision about the pregnancy but don't forget that this is your body and life that you are in the process of reclaiming. The decision that works for you is the best decision.

I don't think I'm going to continue with this pregnancy. I'd LOVE to be in a position to, but realistically I'm not. I think if I were to have two young children I would end up trapped in a life I don't want. I want to be independent and I want to improve our lives for me and ds. I want more children but not like this.
It is upsetting to think about, I'd love an extra little person to look after but I need to look after myself and ds too.
I want another so much, but I want to be in a much better place with plenty of support and a loving relationship.
It's just not the right time but I really, really wish it was.

Oh crap Idok, what a time to find out about the pregnancy. If you go ahead with the termination, get it sorted asap. You're in such a crap stage of your life right now, but it will all get sorted out. You will feel stronger. You will meet someone lovely to continue your family with once you've got all this bs out of the way.

What a tough time to have to go through. I'm so sorry you have all of this to deal with, ido.

Trust yourself, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will get through this.

These decisions are so hard Idoki, I feel for you but it sounds like the right decision for you and DS at this moment.

Please don't beat yourself up over it, remember that the child you have needs your undevided attention right now.
I believe you are making the right decision from what you have said of your life.
I would not tell xp, as he will use emotional blackmail to make you have the baby, or bad mouth you, or play more controlling mind games.

undivided !

I'm really scared of a termination I'm scared as soon as I take the first pill ill regret it and waiting for the second lot of tablets sounds like torture.I dont think I could wait 5 weeks for a surgical one that's too long.

I think I've changed my mind.
I'm good at looking after babies and my main problem/stress when I was pregnant and when ds was small before was wankerface being nasty to me and having no understanding of what its like to be pregnant and blaming me for being tired and hormonal etc
This time, I would know I'm going it alone, so wouldn't have to be stressed out all the time that he wouldn't help me. The odd time be stayed over and offered to do a night he'd wake me up and shout at me anyway, of course it was stressful with a wanker like that! but by myself I think i'll be a lot more calm and find it so much easier this time.
Thsnlyou everyone who has posted, I'm so much stronger for your advice I feel like I'm able to actually think about ds and me and try to work out whats best for us

Not 100% though but no idea how old cope with a termination on my own I'm just scared of regretting it. Lots of Goodling it seems like some people l like get over it? That's scary :(