am i actually stupid because i dont understand at all?

[idokidok13]

theres lots of other things but just taking this one thing, so I can be sure I'm not going mad or over reacting.
This is going to sound petty but this morning, I got out the shower, still had a headache and just felt upset, but not for any reason in particular just really upset so I laid down for 10 mins. Dp comes in and asks what's wrong, I tell him I'm not sure I just feel upset but its not because of you I just feel a bit sad really
I then get shouted at for an hour and a half, because apparently it IS about him, and if its not then I'm being horrible and selfish because I'm "sulking"
I don't know what I've done wrong I just dont get it, I genuinely wasn't trying to be horrible I just suddenly felt really, really upset and now apparently I'm selfish, stupid, an idiot, lazy, dont care about him or show him enough respect or do anything (I do pretty much everything) not attracted to him, not happy enough and I'm a baby who doesn't "get over anything"

idok....
OK, its a huge change in thinking, one week you are trying for a baby the next you should report him to the police.... it is not surprising you are lost.
BUT, he is playing with your mind, he is deliberately baiting you & you know you must not reply.
The only way forward is to detach.
Imagine if you had a car accident, you are in pain, you hurt all over, but day by day the hurt gets less just a little, until you don't remember clearly any more.
he is that car crash

If you're not going to report him to the police you're going to have to protect yourself in other ways. Without the evidence of Domestic Violence, he will be able to argue for unsupervised access with your baby. He will not be prevented from turning up at your home, hurling abuse or worse. If he runs true to type he may be out there badmouthing you to people, telling lies about you throwing him out for no reason. As you don't sound as though you have much real life support, it's a lot to take on solo.

You can report to SS or your GP or HV. Do you still have a HV?

Your DS's face lights up when he sees his Dad? Well, that does not excuse what his Dad did to you does it. You know what he is capable of, your DS does not. But it is your job to protect him. What if his Dad turned that fury on your DS - what then? You can take steps to prevent that now - you really don't have any choice. And yep, you obviously need support, and if you report this then you will get given that too. That will make your life easier and it will help you be stronger too.

Are you OK idok ?

Hi yes I'm ok, struggling still with the idea of telling the police/ss/hv or anyone official like that was kinda embarrassed because I know I should but, embarrassingly I do love him. Not that i plan to take him back unless some sort of miracle happens (doubt it) though, I love my son 1000 times more he doesn't need that behaviour between his parents.
Received a 4 page long letter about how apparently he's so sorry. I think he might be sorry but more sorry that I left him rather than sorry for his behaviour towards me. He's spoken to his GP apparently and is seeing them next week.
He told his mum the truth which I didn't actually expect him to do at all. Actually he seems to be telling everyone the truth as far as I can tell.
I don't trust him an inch currently. He agreed to not having DS alone, only with me and only in public because I'm not being alone with him. Today I met him so he could see DS, went to the park then coffee, I didn't speak to him barely at all. I don't think hed hurt DS but I didn't think hed hurt me at first either so until I have reason to belive he is any sort of decent human, there no way I'm leaving my son alone with a man I'm scared of be alone with myself.
I feel alot like I miss him but not HIM just what I thought he could be, its lonely but my mums coming over at the weekend to keep me company and help with DS

Has he told them the actual truth?

Or has he told them the 'truth' from his perspective where it isn't as bad as it actually was? Was it the entire truth from the beginning of the relationship or just the last night where he can excuse it because be was tired and stressed.

Has anyone else told you what he said? Not just him?

This four page letter? How much was it about him and how much this has affected him? How much he has lost? Is it me me me?

Has he mention you much? Has he mentioned how it affected you? How scared you would have been? How damaging it would have been to ds?

Things to think about.

Also you need to report it to someone. Even if you say you just want it noted and that you don't want action at this stage. You need to go forward in a position of strength with an arsenal you can pull out if needed. This will provide you with a great one for you and your son.

Some of the letter freaks me out
"to see the look on your face on Saturday I saw disillusionment, betrayal, revulsion and fear"
Ok but he continued to hours. He knew I was scared but just carried on is basically what he's saying I guess. Creepy.

"I tried to force an answer out of you, that was wrong and I caused you to feel this hurt and scared because of my own insecurities and my desire to be the only one who makes you smile" there is something really really freaky about someone wanting to he the only one who makes you smile.

But also: "I never really thought about your happiness because I selfishly only thought about mine. I convinced myself I was always right and took liberties"

"I'm not trying to control you the way I acted was through desperation because I can't bare anything else fuckin us up I just want to come homer to you and our boy"

FFS he's admitting how much of an abuser he is. He hates you. He wants to control you. He never thought about your happiness then, and he never will in the future. No mention of your son either, pretty obvious he barely registers on his radar.

Bin him. You're well rid.

Come on idok for Christ's sake.

You have come back here several times saying 'you were all right, he hasn't changed/he kicked off again/I shouldn't have seen him alone'.

Fuck the 'But I love him' shit - you know EXACTLY who he is and what he's capable of now.

You love the idea of him, not the real him, open your eyes and keep them open.

Think of your son.

Yes it's hard to take action (you are afraid and have been controlled by him for two years) but you owe it to your dc to stay alive and to give him a childhood free from fear. Or he will end up an insecure, angry, scared wreck of an adult - or a terrifying bully like his father.

You will end be a sad little statistic, taking up two or three column inches of your local paper, another woman killed by their partner, if you don't cut him out and MEAN it.

Just for God's sake and tell the police, change the locks, call WA, block him from your life.

Who cares how 'heartbreaking' it is thinking of him being arrested.

He has RAPED you.

STRANGLED you.

TERRORISED and TERRIFIED you.

How heartbreaking is that?

Stop listening to his voicemails and reading his letters - it's all bullshit.

Fucking blinding post is that, bloodygorgeous.
I agree with every word.
This bloke is a proper cunt. You have NO future with him. He's on Tinder? Great, let him go and be someone else's problem. Protect yourself and your kids.

Idoki
You have read the words of the wise Mumsnetters, and they have predicted what was going to happen... And it did.

Continue to listen to them. Get rid of this man. Get help from your GP, your HV, the police or your neighbour. Report and log his behaviour.

What you've done is fantastic, and very brave. Keep going and take it to the next step.

There will be lots of people to hold your hand.

Bloodygorgeous- um, ok well I'm not going to end up a 'sad little statistic' because I'm not with him, nor going anywhere near him other than in public and even then I wouldn't engage with him. There has already been violence by him towards me reported to the police(by someone else), which I can still give a statement for and they will reopen it, so if I have to, I can. maybe that's just not right now. As well as by his ex, and acknowledge by ss he is violent so I dont think it will be difficult for anyone to believe me.
I'm sure a lot of things seem obvious to you but its my actual life, I'm living it and I'm trying my best things just aren't as easy to do as they are to say but He's my sons dad, I loved him/thought I loved him and its been less than a week I know he's bad knees I really do I really AM trying I'm not exactly the worlds strongest person but I'm trying and ill get there. All I ever do is look out for my son, we didn't live together before, we had only lived together for 3 weeks before I asked him to go and ds was my biggest reason for that.

Please ring your health visitor.. tell her everything. This is dreadful. U must end this nightmare.

Tell the hv u need her help getting him out of the house.

I agree with pps who say this isnt love. A million other emotions all very complex but it isnt love

you still need to report his behaviour to someone. How would you feel in a year or five's time - he takes you to court and you say oh he is an abuser, and they go really, where's the proof. And you have none, so they say oh well, he will now have 50/50 contact. He will then abuse your son and there will be bugger all you can do about it.

You have to report him to SS, your HV, the police, your GP, everyone you can. This fear you have of the authorities is totally unfounded and it is your job as a parent and an adult to protect your son.

I WILL, just not right now

I don't have a fear of the authorities, I really don't. I just genuinely do not have the ability to go into a police station and speak and answer questions I barely can manage making a phone call or answering the phone these days I freeze and can't do it how can I do something that I can't do

Print out this thread and show it to your HV or GP then.

Hi OP. Just read your thread feeling such horror and fear for you.

First of all, a very very big well done on seeing what he is and getting him out of the house. That was brave and strong.

The trick now is to stay strong.

I know it must feel very overwhelming to read all these people saying "FFS just call the police" like that's an easy thing to do. It isn't easy. Far from it. It's bloody hard. But I think you will get to that point eventually.

Keep going OP - you have done great so far and I know you will go on to be free, happy and strong.

I'm glad you came back idok, I was worried that either you had been sucked back in, or were nursing a black eye or worse.
I agree the letter sounds remorseful, but actually he doesn't have any control over his actions, he can't just stop, it part of his make up, even when he has cooled down he may want to make it OK, but his rages will still be out of control. For your own safety & ultimate happiness, you must understand that this relationship is over.
You don't have to phone, but you can email your HV, she will make an appointment to come & see you at home, & you can get it on record in a less traumatic way than going to the police. She can do a standard check of the baby at the same time. I don't know, but she may have to report this to SS if the baby was present ?
Don't put it off, it is for your own self protection. Maybe you could have the appointment while your Mum is staying ?
Have you told her the truth ? have you told your bfr's mother the facts ? You should. she is a grandmother & should know why she won't be seeing baby.
(if she cares?)

idok

Of course it's real life, it's your real life.

I completely understand your turmoil and stress and confusion. You are doing great. And of course you love your son.

BUT the 'but I love him' stuff you really really must stop. That's what worries and infuriates me because that's what could make you go back to him - with enough of his crocodile tears and promises to change.

THAT you can choose to stop. THAT you can choose to open your eyes to.

The man you thought you knew doesn't exist. He is a violent, dangerous, manipulative man.

This board is fantastic for support but only YOU can make sure this man is out of both of your lives permanently.

As for 'I won't be a sad statistic': don't you think all women who have been murdered by their partners thought that?

Do you know how huge a red flag it is when someone attempts to strangle you?

It's a few seconds one way or the other, it's not 'other' men who kill their partners - villains like in Oliver Twist - it's men exactly like this guy.

You can't just turn off love, bg. It takes time for it to die off. It took me 2 years to get out of a situation similar to this (ie domestic abuse, though not as obvious or lifethreatening).

You're doing great, OP. imo you're moving at lightening speed because you've wised up. Your feelings will follow suit eventually. The important thing is you've got him out, you've got the keys, you're protecting yourself and your son. MANY women don't do as much in so short a time.

I really would recommend Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247 - but call at night, 7pm-7am, as lines are busy during the day, sadly. They are the experts in domestic abuse and will guide and support you through any processes. They are wonderfully supportive.

Womens Aid will also recommend you do the Freedom Programme - I have linked you to the 'find a course' page so you can find a course asap and get on it. It really is an eye-opener and you will meet many ordinary women in similar situations. It's free and childcare is often provided during the day courses. Knowledge is power and it is a very straightforward course which clearly lays out the tactics of abusers.

You're doing marvellously imo. You sound so clear to me and you have a lovely way of writing btw (though don't want to make you feel self-conscious!)

I forgot to say the Freedom Programme is also very supportive and kind. It is a safe place. The facilitators are very well trained to support and guide participants through this challenging time. They puts your needs - practical and emotional - first.

You said he felt guilty and started acting defensive ok but how do you tackle defensive when they don't want anything to do with you in their defense, it becomes a lose-lose situation and other people are also suffering. Could it be a sexual problem?

erm don't understand your post at all winding?

whatever 'problem' he has, sexual or otherwise, there is NEVER an excuse to abuse, rape, strangle etc.