am i actually stupid because i dont understand at all?

[idokidok13]

theres lots of other things but just taking this one thing, so I can be sure I'm not going mad or over reacting.
This is going to sound petty but this morning, I got out the shower, still had a headache and just felt upset, but not for any reason in particular just really upset so I laid down for 10 mins. Dp comes in and asks what's wrong, I tell him I'm not sure I just feel upset but its not because of you I just feel a bit sad really
I then get shouted at for an hour and a half, because apparently it IS about him, and if its not then I'm being horrible and selfish because I'm "sulking"
I don't know what I've done wrong I just dont get it, I genuinely wasn't trying to be horrible I just suddenly felt really, really upset and now apparently I'm selfish, stupid, an idiot, lazy, dont care about him or show him enough respect or do anything (I do pretty much everything) not attracted to him, not happy enough and I'm a baby who doesn't "get over anything"

ido - this isn't your fault and you and your DS don't deserve this. You can split up from him and be safe and there are many people who can and will help you achieve this.

SS want to help you. They will help you make him leave; they are already aware of him, that's good. They will want him well away from you and your baby, they aren't going to remove your child from you - you aren't the danger here. SS can help you get him out.

In the longer term, if you remain in the home exposing your son to his violence, then they will be more concerned; right now, they will see you are trying to protect your child. You are responsible for your child's wellbeing - please put yourself, and your child, first.

I'm worried about ss because I lied to them last time, said no he didn't push me it just looked like that and said he was basically a perfect boyfriend, I know that lying probably won't go down well. I also wouldn't put it past him to lie. He has a daughter who was removed from his ex and placed in care and I'm just terrified he would try and make things up about me. he has left for now finally. I feel drained.
It'd not my house btw, its a housing association. And I'm on a starter tenancy so a bit worried what will happen with housing benefit and the rent I don't want to get on trouble

He has left? What moved out or just gone out?

If he has a daughter already removed then they will be wary that he is behaving badly again I am sure. Just because you lied before doesn't mean they won't help you now.

Why would you get into trouble? The house is in your name. Are you claiming housing benefit as a couple?

You could tell SS that you were scared of him and felt you had to lie.

I'm wondering if being afraid has sort of crept up on you and you haven't realised that it's being scared that is that feeling you're feeling? If you see what I mean?

If you are scared, and worried, and very anxious not to do anything wrong, and very miserable that no matter what you do you're not able to make things ok again....

Well, that would make your head feel fuzzy, and stupid and like nothing makes sense and it's all awful and like giving up.

Does any of that sound familiar?

Yeah claiming as a couple but only moved in a month ago, claim hasn't gone through yet and he works so pays the rest of my rent, but of he moves out ill have to make a new claim and it will take even longer and ill he in arrears pretty bad, which I'm not meant to be on a starter tenancy.
He's gone for a "while" to his mums, I think he's moved out, that's what I asked, for him to move out and sort himself out then maybe he can come back if he gets help, but he took his keys so might be back.

SS are very used to abused women lying about the abuse, please don't worry about that. You and your child are in danger, please let them help. This is no life for either of you.

You presumably got the tenancy on your own, so there will be no issue with him moving out, surely?

Miscellaneous- that's pretty much exactly how I feel, but the thing is I just don't think I am scared of him most of the time, ill admit I really am scared of him when he shouts and is threatening or violent, once he tried to strangle me about a year ago which is why I get scared of the outbursts but in general, I don't feel particularly scared, I'm quite stubborn like that really I do stand up for myself, or I try to, not so often these days because it doesn't seem to matter what I say

why would you et him back if he is violent? He isn't going to change is he.

You need the keys back and you need to tell the police and SS what he has done.

SS are not the enemy here. Please reach out to someone for help. The more you are isolated, the more power and control he has and the more danger you and your child are in. Has he just gone out or has he left? Contact WAid/ police on non emergency number for advice. You are in a very vulnerable position.

Strangling - even once- is a big red flag.

He tried to strangle you!!

OP, this just gets worse and worse.

Abuse often escalates around pregnancy/birth; and then stays. He's going to seriously hurt you or your child if you let him back. Then SS may have no choice but to step in; maybe that's what happened with his ex? If she wouldn't stop seeing a violent man, SS may have had no choice. Don't make that your life, please.

I think he's left, he said he would. I really dont want to talk to the police or anything, I've got social problems I probably wouldn't manage to speak to them anyway I would be too nervous. If he has left I need to sort out money etc its so confusing, the last place I lived was homeless accommodation and they sorted out all the benefits etc for me, I wouldn't know where to start... I live in town, so I go to the job centre and ask advice about reclaiming income support I guess? Change my tax credits and housing benefit. If I do those things as soon asossible, it makes it harder for me to just let him back doesn't it

This is not a life for you or your child, OP.

CAB may be able to help sort all that out for you too -www.citizensadvice.org.uk

You're doing really well. I know its terribly daunting, but just think of the lovely life your baby will have without fearing that Daddy is going to hit Mummy again, or shout at her, or strangle her....

Sorry, X post.

If you talk to the police and ss get involved they maybe able to move you if you are not safe in the house you're in atm. HA know that the rent will get backdated and I think money is the least of your worries atm. If I were you id talk to the police and go to cab to talk about the money/benefits side of things. They can't chuck you out of the house, you need to TALK to people if you want them to help and understand. They're not out to take your child off of you they will want to make sure you and you're child are safe.
The reason you are confused is because he shouted at you and you shock horror did nothing wrong! He is emotionally abusive. Get out of this relationship before he makes you feel any less of a human being. You say you've never had problems like this in previous relationships? It's because this is not a "normal" relationship.

I really don't want to move home, I love my home. it's safe as long as he doesn't have a key he can't get in the building. I don't think hed just show up and kick off anyway. So I need my keys back.
Money IS important though, I have a one year old to feed and keep in nappies and I need to keep a roof over his head how could I do any of that very important stuff if I have no access to money. I'm just being practical or trying to it into easy my head does not feel ok right now I cent even make sentences properly it seems.
I don't find it easy to talk to people, its not my fault, socially I have a lot of problems and always have since primary school, I'm 23 now so clearly that's not going to change any time soon or stleast not TODAY that's too hard

OP, the first post is the one than speaks strongest.

Feeling crap, wanting to feel sad is perfectly normal. Sad, gets me in touch with myself, it is a normal emotion. Normal. I do it when it comes, its a wave. Waves wash over rocks, the rock is always there after the waves have gone. Cleaned though . Sadness is very, very OK..... I like it when it comes, but do not play on it.

He did though. And he is cleverly trying to play on your emotions wholesale to control you. Sadness today, what next tomorrow.

You know this. Why should you waste years trying to prove this, when you know it already. Leave, it is your life we are talking about.

You seem pretty articulate to me OP. You write well and you communicate well. Have some faith in yourself and I think you might gain something from this terrible experience.

People who are familiar with Domestic Violence know that it is not always easy for victims to speak up. SS and other agencies know that fear makes people say and do all kinds of things. I know you say you're not frightened but that feeling you described initially of being suddenly sad for no reason..... that's typical of the depression and anxiety that happens when you live in a chronic state of stress. You won't be penalised for changing your story.

Money is important, you're right, but so is your safety. It's not worth sharing your home with a violent man just because he brings in some money. Ask for help to claim everything to which you are entitled, change your locks and make your home your sanctuary.

You seem pretty articulate to me OP. You write well and you communicate well. Have some faith in yourself and I think you might gain something from this terrible experience

Just read this. First of all I was impressed at your emotional intelligence by identifying that your sad mood was just that. I went right through my twenties picking fights with my partner when I felt like that because I assumed I must be sad for some reason.

Then I was struck that you are finding looking after one-year-old stressful. Actually the truth is this horrible man has made everything stressful for you. Until you change your locks leave the keys in the lock on the inside and go to the Citizen's Advice Bureau.

How are you OP? Not good, I imagine.

I hope that the good advice given above has helped you see that you are in an abusive relationship and you need to get out of it for the safety of yourself and your DC.

SS and other agencies are used to frightened people lying -they understand that.

Keep posting- the wise folk of MN will support you break free of this vile man.

I'm ok, keeps messaging me but I'm not going to reply I don't want to get in a conversation with him at the moment. Everyone seeming shocked about the strangling has kinda helped actually, its funny how you can know something is tucked up but sort of file it away in your head and it just becomes normal if you don't think about it, but its just not normal is it? I try imagining what if my dad did any of those things to my mum? There'd be no excuse good enough to make it ok, no reason, everyone would hate him, regardless of how nice he was in between.

*fucked up

hello how are you today ?
I think you should email HV & get an appointment. The bf has only just moved in, & he is berating you over er, well no one knows what, but its all about him,him him.
On another occasion say today, could you just go to your Mums, & get some TLC ?
You cannot have this extra angst & if he cannot help & take the baby for a short while, make you a cup of tea, tell you to rest, JUST BASICALLY BE A NICE HUMAN BEING, then he needs to go back to his mothers or under whatever rock he crawled out from.
PLEASE hear me when I say this is the beginning, don't worry if you want to preserve your pride, or don't want heads to nod, It is your life, you need it to be better than living with this abusive loser