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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am i actually stupid because i dont understand at all?

186 replies

idokidok13 · 30/01/2015 16:39

theres lots of other things but just taking this one thing, so I can be sure I'm not going mad or over reacting.
This is going to sound petty but this morning, I got out the shower, still had a headache and just felt upset, but not for any reason in particular just really upset so I laid down for 10 mins. Dp comes in and asks what's wrong, I tell him I'm not sure I just feel upset but its not because of you I just feel a bit sad really
I then get shouted at for an hour and a half, because apparently it IS about him, and if its not then I'm being horrible and selfish because I'm "sulking"
I don't know what I've done wrong I just dont get it, I genuinely wasn't trying to be horrible I just suddenly felt really, really upset and now apparently I'm selfish, stupid, an idiot, lazy, dont care about him or show him enough respect or do anything (I do pretty much everything) not attracted to him, not happy enough and I'm a baby who doesn't "get over anything"

OP posts:
DayLillie · 30/01/2015 17:32

I then get shouted at for an hour and a half, because apparently it IS about him

You are right there!

My mother used to do this to me. I wasn't fitting in with her expectations. Her expectations were built on a belief system of the way the world worked, which didn't have much to do with me or things as they currently were - just her own dysfunctional upbringing.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 30/01/2015 17:32

You keep saying that it makes no sense this time. You are going crazy trying to work out what you did wrong. That maybe you are being a bitch without realising it.

What if you did nothing wrong?

What if he just likes putting you down?

Could you imagine shouting abuse at him for 1.5hrs? How much hatred does that take?!

What if he is choosing to make sure you are kept in your place, i.e. doing everything, scared to question him, assuming what he says is always right?

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 30/01/2015 17:33

x-post

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 17:35

The is no reason for abuse to happen. ...... Whatever you may have said, done, not done, not said there is no reason for abuse to happen Ever. In a normal relationship, even if people disagree or tempers get frayed, it never descends to abuse.

You are not safe

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 30/01/2015 17:35

Can you imagine that you might be in the stage of an abusive relationship where it starts to escalate?

Cloudhowe63 · 30/01/2015 17:48

Now you have a child together and he's wormed his way into your home he feels safe to control the situation - and that means you. Sorry OP, this sounds like abuse escalating. You are being undermined and made to feel insecure. Please take control back as this will only get more difficult as time goes on.

Original poster
idokidok13 · 30/01/2015 17:59

Why is he being horrible like this to me I can't handle any more of this tonight :(

OP posts:
KristinaM · 30/01/2015 18:04

He is not behaving like this because of anything you have said or done, it's about him.

You didn't cause this behaviour and you can't control it

Original poster
idokidok13 · 30/01/2015 18:07

But I can't stop it either because he won't leave me alone

OP posts:
Saltedcaramel2014 · 30/01/2015 18:20

I'm sorry you've had this experience. I know it's hard but do listen to what CogitoErgo says, she knows so much about this area of relationships. You do need to talk this seriously - it's not OK. His behaviour is bullying. It's nothing to do with you, so don't waste another minute thinking that. You will need support.

Original poster
idokidok13 · 30/01/2015 18:21

So many things I can't get my head around. The night before last he started having sex with me while I was asleep, its not even the first time but I didn't try and stop him this time my body kinda reacted to the physical stimulation but I was awake half way through and didn't say no or anything so now he probably thinks its fine now. He flipped the airbed upside down with me on it last week, then started stamping on it and stole my phone when I threatened police, however THAT time I did provoke it, ipurposely passed him off as he had said the day before he has to think of other people when we have sex, so I watched a porn vid on my phone full volume to make him mad, I'm not perfect at all and I do stand up for myself, that's why I can't say, 100% its his fault or anything but I went to apologise which is when the airbed thing happened

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 30/01/2015 18:27

Why is he doing it? Because he wants to.

And er, your latest post also shows that you are being physically and sexually as well as emotionally abused - I'm surprised you didn't feel it worth mentioning earlier as it's a pretty big deal. The sooner his living with you just sort of un-happens again, the better.

This is not a nice man.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 18:31

OP the more you write, the worse it gets. This man despises you. Having sex with you without consent is rape. The aggression is alarming.... yelling, smashing property etc. No matter how loudly you play a video or how much you provoke someone they should walk away

You are not safe. Your baby is not safe. Please get help. Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. Or the police.

Original poster
idokidok13 · 30/01/2015 18:32

I didn't motioned the other stuff first because I wanted to know if I was over reacting about the incident today I just wanted it straight in my head everything in my head just is very confused at the moment and I wanted to know, it wasn't a post about the other stuff it was about this morning

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 30/01/2015 18:38

He's an abusive bully, OP. You haven't done anything; he is entirely responsible for his actions and reactions. He's a vile bully who behaves this way because he wants to, not because of anything you have done or said. You deserve none of this.

If it's your home, then you are in a good position; you can make him leave much easier than if it was jointly owned/rented.

I'm sorry OP; it's probably a lot to take in right now. But you do need to take it in, before he really hurts you. Right now, he thinks there are no consequences to abusing and raping you, or indeed hurting your child. Please make yourself and your baby safe.

alabastergirl · 30/01/2015 18:53

oh goodness - no wonder you are sad.

You can report him to the police - for rape and physical abuse. They will take you seriously and they will remove him. You can also ask Women's Aid to help you too.

Please keep yourself safe and make those calls.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 18:54

Then to answer your specific question about the specific incident, his behaviour was appalling and there was no reason whatsoever for him to subject you to an hour and a half of sustained verbal abuse. The only thing you could have done differently was to call the police and have the disgusting man removed.

Have you had problems in the past OP? Not just this man but with other people?

firesidechat · 30/01/2015 19:04

Well obviously ranting at anyone for an hour and a half over anything at all is totally unacceptable.

It sounds like he thinks the world revolves around him.

My normal, grounded and caring husband manages to understand that me being a bit low is not all about him and I suspect we are not unusual. It's always good to check that a bout of sadness in your partner isn't because of something you've done, but he should have taken you at your word. He sounds a bit immature amongst other worse things - abusive maybe?

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 30/01/2015 19:05

What are you confused about?

Original poster
idokidok13 · 30/01/2015 19:49

Ive not had problems with anyone else like this.
O dont know what I'm confused about I just feel confused, my head just feels fuzzy because of the arguing and I feel basically stuck.
Oh and he stole my tablet from me just now and threw ot and wouldn't let me leave, then he wouldn't let me take ds, eventually be did and I took ds for a quick walk to the shop, he's been acting better since I Cs,e back so calmed down probably. I feel lile it'd the last straw or somethi g I feel like I'm going mad and I dont know if I actually care what happens now

OP posts:
alabastergirl · 30/01/2015 19:51

No you are not going mad.

Him stopping you leaving and not letting you take DS - you could have called 999 over that. You do realise he is abusing you in the very worst way?

Original poster
idokidok13 · 30/01/2015 19:52

I don't want to call police cause of ss, he pushed me in town before someone saw and called the police, ended up having ss visit

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 30/01/2015 19:54

Get the police, have him removed from the house, get a court order in place to keep him at a distance. He's a shit. You do not have to put up with him any longer (as it's your house, he can be forcibly removed by the police).

alabastergirl · 30/01/2015 19:55

SS can help and support you. They are not there to take your child away. You cannot live like this. He sounds extremely dangerous.

What happened when SS visited?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 19:59

SS are your way out of this. They exist to look after people like you and to keep children from getting harmed. What happened last time they were involved?

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