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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this be ok or a dealbreaker?

274 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 29/01/2015 21:12

Firstly I will just say I have had some brilliant advice on here in the past (you know who you are!). I am almost 100% sure that I'm not overeacting about this but keep laying awake wondering if I am overreacting.

Brief background, married a long time, he is long term EA, would love to get out but we are currently in a situation where I will have to take kids and go as he refuses to see what has happened as an issue.

Last week in front of the DC he screamed that he was going to f*ing slit his wrists before throwing a pile of ironing around and storming downstairs.

He maintains it was just a "silly" thing to say and as such he does not need to discuss it/apologise for it.

I maintain it was the kind of thing a parent NEVER says in front of their child and that I cannot forgive him for it or his attitude towards it.

He has since visited a counsellor (after I strongly asked him to leave) but decided not to tell him this, just to say we had had an argument.

Would it be a deal breaker for you? Or am I (as he says) totally overreacting.

OP posts:
LaQueenOf2015 · 01/02/2015 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2015 17:39
Sad

toast how are things, love ?

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 01/02/2015 17:52

Things are predictably crappy.

I'm not giving in but omg the tears, I could paddle in them. His not mine.

We have had the last ever lunch. Last ever trip to the cinema. Now time for the last ever roast dinner. I'm not caving but I could just run out of the house screaming.

He has been very helpful though....when he was crying about how hard his life would be all alone, I pointed out that mine. Looking after 3 sad DC will be far worse. So he made the fabulous suggestion that I could go. Or he could take one or two of the DC with him Shock I had to remind him that it's because of his behaviour that he has to go. Not mine!!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2015 17:54

I hope you are not going along with the "last ever" mindfuckery and you are not allowing him to speak in those terms with the dc.

Whn is he going ?

AnyFucker · 01/02/2015 17:54

*when

AnyFucker · 01/02/2015 17:56

Disengage

Do not indulge either of you with the who has it hardest pointless circular arguments.

Tell him the only subject you want to discuss now is when he is going and not in front of the dc

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 01/02/2015 17:57

No the DC still don't know. I have said he cannot tell them if he is going to cry.

OP posts:
Jux · 01/02/2015 20:15

Tell him he's being an self-indulgent drama queen and then ignore ignore ignore.

Rumpelteazer · 01/02/2015 22:21

I would a get a friend round then tell him to leave. Not on your own, not with the kids. Do you have someone that can come?

Ignore the posts that try to blame you for not being "strong enough" This a fucking hard thing to do and no-one who hasn't been ground down by an emotional abuser could understand quite how hard it is.

This is NOT your fault. He needs to go. When he is gone you can get some headspace on how to best move forward. (((Hugs)))

Tonitiger · 02/02/2015 01:50

You need to read the book 'why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft it helps you to start to unravel the lies from the truth and make sure you let your friends know what's going on! Just think about the overall outcome that you want and try to focus on achieving that, just take baby steps.

NettleTea · 02/02/2015 10:37

Just thinking about you today, OP xx

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 03/02/2015 09:00

Life is really not fair.

I have endured rivers of tears from him and today was the day he had now decided to pack his things and go. I had a full day planned so I wouldn't be here plus a solicitors appointment, which I hoped would make me feel a bit calmer about it all. The 24/7 crying is driving me insane.

But this morning youngest DC is ill. Too poorly for school but not ill enough that she isn't aware something is up. FFS :(

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 03/02/2015 09:04

Bad luck. Would she be up to something like a cinema trip just to get you out of the way?

Grit your teeth, he'll be gone soon. Maybe you can get her alone and explain.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 03/02/2015 09:11

She's running quite a temperature. I did consider doing something like that but she's never keen on school anyway so I don't want to start a precedent.

He's going to use this as an excuse not to go today, I can see him working up to it. He's gone from Sunday evening saying he understood why we had to do this, to today doing the heavy sighing and the "why is this happening".

OP posts:
NettleTea · 03/02/2015 10:10

make a doctors appointment anyway, you know you dont need it, but it will get you both out of the way and he can be gone before you get back. For his daughter's sake

NettleTea · 03/02/2015 10:13

And if DD isnt too ill, get her a favourite book and take her to solicitors. I have taken my DD, she sat (age 7) quite happily in the waiting room and read/coloured/chatted to receptionist while I went in and spoke. Any solicitor who deals in family law is well set for these things. She doesnt need to know why you are going in there - there are all sorts of reasons why people see solicitors, wills, setting up in buisiness, enquiring about tax stuff.
Alternatively are any of your supportive friends around?

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 03/02/2015 10:57

I took my DS to the Solicitor when I went... he was hysterical as he was about 15 months old, cried havoc and let loose the dogs of war all through their offices. He was very popular.

Take DD, get sorted. Don't let him trip you up, you've come so far my love.

I imagine she'll perk up considerable once he's gone anyway

Or I'll be forced to drive down tomorrow and be your burly friend.

Jux · 03/02/2015 11:44

Of course he's doing everything to stay, whatever manipulation he can think of. You were supposed to think better of it and beg him not to go after all thus giving him back all the power and putting him back on his silly throne. You didn't - well done Grin

He will continue to piss about waiting for you to perform the role he has given you. You don't have to. So don't.

He may dig his heels in though.

Lweji · 03/02/2015 11:53

Dig your heels in, if DC is not that bad, give calpol and take to the solicitors.
Do not back down on him going.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 03/02/2015 12:20

I cancelled solicitor and am at drs now.

He is packing and will be gone when I get back. I can tell the girls alone tonight.

I'm pretty devastated and exhausted and horrified by the enormity of it all.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/02/2015 12:41

Keep going

don't cave now after you have come so far

or back onto that hellish roundabout you go

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 03/02/2015 12:57

I won't cave.

I've told him this is the end of the road. If he's serious about changing then he needs to do the work on it away from here. And then we can maybe sort out a new marriage rather than this shambles.

We have talked. A lot. I have enabled him to behave like this. He admits he is very selfish. I don't think that can ever change.

OP posts:
Meerka · 03/02/2015 13:01

toast very pleased to hear he's packing ... Now to get him OUT of the door.

And change the locks.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 03/02/2015 13:03

I can't change the locks, it's half his house. I wouldn't do that.

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 03/02/2015 13:05

when is your new solicitors appointment?

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