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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this be ok or a dealbreaker?

274 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 29/01/2015 21:12

Firstly I will just say I have had some brilliant advice on here in the past (you know who you are!). I am almost 100% sure that I'm not overeacting about this but keep laying awake wondering if I am overreacting.

Brief background, married a long time, he is long term EA, would love to get out but we are currently in a situation where I will have to take kids and go as he refuses to see what has happened as an issue.

Last week in front of the DC he screamed that he was going to f*ing slit his wrists before throwing a pile of ironing around and storming downstairs.

He maintains it was just a "silly" thing to say and as such he does not need to discuss it/apologise for it.

I maintain it was the kind of thing a parent NEVER says in front of their child and that I cannot forgive him for it or his attitude towards it.

He has since visited a counsellor (after I strongly asked him to leave) but decided not to tell him this, just to say we had had an argument.

Would it be a deal breaker for you? Or am I (as he says) totally overreacting.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/01/2015 22:41

how utterly grim

Lweji · 31/01/2015 23:12

Children know. They are very black and white.

GelfBride · 01/02/2015 07:14

It sounds like you are seeing the light OP. He sounds unstable and cyclical so be very careful. The threat about slitting his wrists is an escalation of his abuse and it is a control attempt for whatever reason was in his head at the time. Much of his behaviour is controlling and as he realises you are slipping away from his grip he will escalate further so take care OP.
I grew up with a DMum with MH issues and she used to threaten suicide and mean it (ie it wasn't an empty threat as she was ill) I cannot begin to tell you the fear this instilled in me as a child and that fear coupled with her illness totally wrecked my childhood. I had to do stuff around the house and missed loads of school as I was effectively caring for her and terrified she would carry out her threat.

Having read your OP, weirdly I thought, well at least my DMum had the grace to actually mean it : /. Be under no illusion, saying what he said in front of the kids as a form of control in a pattern of abuse is appalling. Please get away from him for the DCs sake. They can see him for what he is and what he is doing to you and them. Good luck.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 01/02/2015 08:02

I have tried yet again to reiterate to him what he has done. He refused to listen, instead apologies about his stress and how he is upset etc. I pointed out any stresses are actually mine, he has a good job but isn't a neurosurgeon so no huge stresses, I pick up all the slack at home. Our children are healthy, not ill or with problems that require full time care, my DM is ill but I shoulder that too. So other than day to day stresses there is nothing. And what happens when there is something big that I need to rely on him about?

I bluffed a bit this morning too. I told him I had spoken to my Dr who told me that what he said comes under the bracket of Domestic Violence and as such I could ask the police to remove him from the house. He just kept saying he didn't know that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 01/02/2015 08:04

He still doesn't get the enormity of it. Before xmas I was called to youngest DC school because she was crying during lessons and wanted to go home. Apparently she was having nightmares that daddy would kill mummy. I wanted to find her a therapist and take her to the dr. He said she would be labelled as having mental health problems and I was awful for thinking of doing that to her. So I didnt. I did however access her some counselling through school because she does need something. I didn't tell him that until I'd done it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 01/02/2015 08:06

And while he was crying this morning I reminded him how many times I have cried. In front of him, behind closed doors. He shrugged and said he knew! And also how many times he has made me cry in front of the children, he just said I'm a better parent than he is.

No shit Sherlock.

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 01/02/2015 08:06

Op you really need to stop trying to reason with him. Talk time has finished, now it's time to DO. If you talk then you will become tangled again, just like you have been for years.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/02/2015 08:18

You really cannot reason with him or have a sensible conversation, save your breath.

You know who he is, now you need to create a life without him. This should be your focus anything else is just time-wasting and allows him to suck you back in.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/02/2015 08:18

Cross post bigbuttons!

bloodygorgeous · 01/02/2015 08:33

Feel sick reading about your daughter crying at school. Wanting to come home to protect her mother from her father.

And he dismissed that?

He was more concerned about the stigma of 'mental health issues' than being horrified, shocked, guilty, traumatised, desperate at what his daughter is going through because of him?

Wasn't that a dealbreaker????

CoffeeBeanie · 01/02/2015 08:35

Stop talking to him, he will only try and change your mind. You will end up staying. Don't do that to your children.

I grew up wishing my mum would divorve my father, she finally did when I was 16. Way way too late.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 01/02/2015 08:47

Yes it should have been a deal breaker but he minimised it as one of those things kids say and totally wrongly I didn't act. Although I did do something (but not enough) about it. Her school counselling is great, I will talk to them tomorrow.

OP posts:
bloodygorgeous · 01/02/2015 08:55

Toast Thanks

I realise my post sounded very judgemental. I'm judging him not you. I know he's done a number on you and fucked with your mind and your instincts. I know it's very very hard.

Meerka · 01/02/2015 08:57

Before xmas I was called to youngest DC school because she was crying during lessons and wanted to go home. Apparently she was having nightmares that daddy would kill mummy

toast im sorry but by not taking a stronger line then you let your daughter down quite badly.

Agreed with everyone else. Do not engage any further. Ring Women's Aid - he sounds unstable and potentially dangerously so.

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 01/02/2015 09:06

Woman you are so much stronger than you know. I could have written some of your posts, especially the sleeping so close! Urgh!

I hope you can find the strength and the RL support to enable you to leave.

I didn't leave soon enough and the damage done to my kids will probably never be undone. They hate each other after years of one being the golden child and the other being punished whenever I displeased him. I so so regret not acting when they were small.

I was too afraid, too scared of him, his reactions and of having to make the decision on my own. I had no one to turn to. So I stayed too long. For the sake of your DC I hope you can make the right decision for them.

Lweji · 01/02/2015 09:16

she was having nightmares that daddy would kill mummy.

If anything was, that is a definite deal breaker!

The sooner you get rid of him it won't be soon enough.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 01/02/2015 09:16

I've told him I have a solicitor and he has to move out. Have come upstairs and left him sobbing in the kitchen. I am absolutely gutted that my life has come to this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 01/02/2015 09:19

And it's not my fault but he has nobody. Not a friend at all. Never speaks to work colleagues and he isn't close to his dad.

I'm lucky in that I have friends who I can talk to. I feel terribly guilty that I have that.

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/02/2015 09:19

I hope he does leave, but you need a band aid cut. No more crying and wailing from him.
Could he go today?

Lweji · 01/02/2015 09:20

You have friends because you are a good person.
He isn't. He doesn't care about people.
Like my ex, like the one my friend is still married to.

Meerka · 01/02/2015 09:21

No. It's not your fault that he has no one. Therés probably a very good reason why he doesn't have some.

It is not your fault you do have friends. You don't have to feel guilty. It's normal to have friends.

Just a small question - did you sort of feel the need to 'save' him and be there for him? Just your comment about feeling guilty that you have friends makes me ask .... you really don't have to, you know.

And yes, can he go today. The longer this goes on, the worse it will be.

Rebecca2014 · 01/02/2015 09:23

This thread makes me feel so glad I am out of the relationship with my abusive ex. You should have left him years and years ago, look at the emotional damage you have done to your children, yes you as you are suppose to protect them.

Meerka · 01/02/2015 09:27

The damage was done by him. Not toast. It's him who's played the awful emotional games and frightened the children. Not her. Blame the right person here, not someone who's been bullied and manipulated into not knowing up from down.

She should have got out much earlier in order to protect them and she did let them down but she knows that now and she's doing the absolute best she can.

LaQueenOf2015 · 01/02/2015 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rebecca2014 · 01/02/2015 09:35

I am not trying to be mean, when I used to post on forums the posts which really got to me were the ones that were harsh.

My ex was a nasty twat to me but I allowed him to be, I should had the courage to kick him out years before I did. Men like that never change and yes toast husband is the bastard but she chooses to be treated this way and toast is making up tons of excuses to stay.

Her daughter is in counselling and crying at school because of her father behaviour, yet toast is still there. What will make her leave?

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