Would this be ok or a dealbreaker?

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

Firstly I will just say I have had some brilliant advice on here in the past (you know who you are!). I am almost 100% sure that I'm not overeacting about this but keep laying awake wondering if I am overreacting.

Brief background, married a long time, he is long term EA, would love to get out but we are currently in a situation where I will have to take kids and go as he refuses to see what has happened as an issue.

Last week in front of the DC he screamed that he was going to f*ing slit his wrists before throwing a pile of ironing around and storming downstairs.

He maintains it was just a "silly" thing to say and as such he does not need to discuss it/apologise for it.

I maintain it was the kind of thing a parent NEVER says in front of their child and that I cannot forgive him for it or his attitude towards it.

He has since visited a counsellor (after I strongly asked him to leave) but decided not to tell him this, just to say we had had an argument.

Would it be a deal breaker for you? Or am I (as he says) totally overreacting.

Pack his stuff, you all go to the cinema and he takes at least a bag after that to his dad.
Or he leaves while you go to the cinema.
A wasted ticket is well worth it.

He has agreed to leave tomorrow, he wants to spend today with them and for us to talk together about how to tell them.

Everything you have said above is true. I am not good person, I allowed this this to happen. In my defence (if I'm allowed one) I grew up without father and then with an abusive stepfather. I met DH at 17 (he's older) and he "rescued" me from what was an appalling home life. I adored him, was besotted with him. He was my entire world until my DC came along. And it fell apart from then.

He has done kind things, he hasn't always been an arse. He is the only thing apart from my DC who was "mine". And yes it breaks my heart to see him crying, to know my children are sad. I had babies with him because all I ever wanted since I was a little girl was a family. And now I don't have one.

I have put my DC first which my mother never did for me and I am finally doing the right thing. I know that. I could weep for my poor DC but also for me. I'm sorry if that's self indulgent.

Toast, you're not a bad person. It's easy to see how this situation came about, especially in light of what you say about your own childhood and your age when he met you. But you need to act now, you can't kid yourself that this is a functioning family any longer. It's dysfunctional and your children are being harmed, and you know it.
You're still looking for the magic combination of words that will make him see and start being a proper human. They don't exist. Nothing you can say will make him see, and you are wasting your energy by trying.
Also, men like this are expert at making other people responsible for their emotional well being. That's why you feel guilty. You need to identify those feelings before you can neutralise them. When you feel sad and lonely for him, that's how he feels, and he has made you feel it in order to neutralise his own feelings. You need to hand his feelings back because they are not your responsibility.

I know there is no magic combination of words.

I think I'm grieving for the fact I never had a dad and so I was so determined that mine could have one. And I was blind to the fact no dad was preferable to how he is.

It's morning.
There is not much to discuss about him leaving. You can both tell them now, he packs, you go to the cinema and he leaves.

Suicidal fathers worry me. And there is a reason why your DD dreamt about dad killing mum.
This is why I left home with DS in the middle of the day with my purse, and exH hasn't seen DS unsupervised since then.
I do think today is the best day for him to leave.

Well they do still have a dad and maybe at some point in the future he will get his shit together enough to have a meaningful relationship with them?

You have to deal with the situation you have now and you are doing that toast. Be proud, not sad.

It's OK to grieve for what you dreamed of not becoming the reality, but I promise you life for you and the DC will be so much better without him dragging you down.

Onward and upwards girl!

toast along with getting rid of yoru deadweight - no, he's not deadweight, he's worse, he's actively harmful - you need to get some in depth therapy or counselling. It's easy to see how this situation has arisen; but I think that you need to learn how to recognise red flags and also to figure out more about what sort of men attract you and why. Very important, so that you look carefully at how good a bet they are in a long term relationship.

All that is in the future though. Now it's working on protection for you and your children. I would cancel the flipping cinema and tell the children instead. Way more important. Last minute ideas of a nice last trip to the cinema is romantic crap - it's going to be thoroughly spoiled anyway. Tell the children then he can leave by tonight.

He only sleeps now by holding onto me really tightly. If I try and move away I wake to find him clamped around me again like I'm his security blanket. Again today I have backache from sleeping in an uncomfortable position all night.

How chilling that was to read. He sounds totally unstable and unhinged.

Can you not take the DCs to the cinema while he packs his bag and leaves? If he has agreed to leave tomorrow, he can leave today.

Please do not put your children through that scenario of you both telling them together. That is not what is best for them.

When you and dcs return from the cinema, and he had gone, then you can explain to them in a decent way.

Yes, if he is involved in telling them, there will be emotional blackmail, tears, tantrums, making them feel guilty and so on.

People often seem to think that the best thing for the dcs when needing to tell them of divorced is to present a united front and do it together. This is in fact bollocks. Such scenarios are highly charged, tense and full of fakery, extremely unpleasant for the dcs.

It is unnecessary and unkind.

Get the dcs out of the way until he has gone and you take charge of what you tell them.

Do you really believe he will leave and do you believe that if he does leave that he won't find a way to come back?

Personally I think, given his track record, that there is no way he will simply roll over and go. Be very suspicious. He is a game player and he will be carefully working out his moves.

I fully agree.
Today is to play Disney dad so that the children will remember this, not his awful comments. It's designed to melt the hearts. "He's not so bad, after all. We had a great day. I'm sure he can change. We should give him a second chance".

This is the time to put your foot down and take control.

toast please be careful today

this man is not safe around your family

he is going to ramp up the emotional blackmail, drag your children into it and use their understandable distress to gang up on you so that you cave and agree to give him another chance

now, listen ^^ that is the best case scenario

worst case scenario, and hopefully without sounding too dramatic about it, I have worries about this kind of situation

if this man gets starts to act strangely, locks doors, prevents anyone leaving the house or is at unstable physically please call call the police immediately and have him removed immediately as he could be a very real danger to your family

I am afraid his previous behaviour is showing signs of him being capable of hurting your children to get back at you

I agree - his behaviour could flip from normal to chilling in a matter of moments. Please take care of yourselves. Maybe a call to 101 to flag up what is going on would be prudent. Police will attend to protect you while he is gathering his belongings and moving out. And having his behaviour on record is always a good idea.

Please don't tell them together. You have NO CONTROL over what he will do or say. Get him gone, then tell them by yourself.

Make sure your phone is on you at all times and fully charged and with credit.

Indeed, LaQ

I hope OP is ok, but most of all I hope she ends the relationship and doesn't get involved in any more dramas created by him.

I think this cycle has been repeating itself for quite some time

Meanwhile, OP trains herself to react to the situation less and less which effectively lets her off the hook from the point of view of the emotional impact on her. Helloooo Mrs Stepford. Unfortunately, the impact is now transferring to her daughters.