Back to square one :-( don't know who the dad is :-(

[Halleberry]

I posted a while back this same topic. I had become increasingly obsessed with this and could not settle. I managed to move past it (for a while) until yesterday my new midwife told me my dating scan coil be up to a week or so out. Now in devastated as I'd been told before that done at the right time they are never more than a couple of days in or out. Basically my last period was on or around the 20th August. I slept with my partner a few times between the 25th August until we reconciled properly in September. However after a drunken night in the 7th of September, I slept with a good friend of mine. On the 15th of September I don't a pg test and it was positive @ 2/3 weeks. My first scan put my due date @ 26 May 2015. Meaning I conceived on or around beginning of September (and I was sleeping with my partner at this time). But now after new mid wife saying it could be a week out I'm back to square one and I'm ill over it. Anyone any advice/experience please? Can a clear blue say 2/3 weeks only 8 days after intercourse? Does this seem more than likely paranoia and baby is my partners? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Please no judgment. I hate myself enough as it is and this pregnancy is awful.

[Unpronounceable]

Does your son know that there's a chance the baby isn't his?

I agree that life isn't black and white, however this situation is not only horribly damaging to the OP (who is struggling with huge amounts of anxiety and fear on a daily basis) but ultimately it could be devastating to her partner who is at the moment in the complete dark about what's happening here.

I've been on this board for years (I'm a namechanging reg) and in almost every case of infidelity I have ever seen, part of the pain from the "victim" (I couldn't think of another word for it) has been that they had no idea what was going on and they should have been given the choice to stay or go.

[Dowser]

That's why I think she needs to take a step back and make her own decision.

[Dowser]

There's a chance for every man. Women arefreerangers after all ;-)

[Dowser]

Free rangers even

[Halleberry]

I can't tell him. I tried and I broke down and cried and he asked what on earth has been wrong with me and I couldn't say it. I said hormones and wlked away like the coward I am. If I can't say it now I doubt I ever will. My mistake,my burden :-( xx

[Unpronounceable]

OK, I'm going to step away from this thread; but before I do I just wanted to tell you that my brother has a child who is not his. He and his girlfriend had been dating 6 weeks when she got pregnant by an ex partner. He stayed with her and that baby is his daughter and my mum's grandaughter and my niece, regardless of the blood that runs in her veins.

He obviously found it difficult to deal with at first but he's a good man who recognised that life is not always perfect.

Anyway, good luck to you.

[Halleberry]

Thank you unpronounceable. One last question .... In my
Shoes, would u tell now or wait and see how u felt after baby was born? I know this sounds crazy but
My first son when born looked the spitting image of his dad when he was a baby. No questions about who the father was anyway but just stating this fact. Part of me wa ya to wait because of this reason. He could be born and there could be a strong indication for me without a u testing that she is my OH baby x

[slithytove]

If I was in your shoes... And I know you didn't ask me

I'd take it as pretty likely baby was ohs and proceed under that belief. I would confirm it when born with sneaky DNA.

If baby isn't his, I'd tell him then. There is no merit to him knowing beforehand, because if she is his, it will wreck the pregnancy for him at minimum. If she isn't his, then tbh the damage has already been done. I think the chance that she is his is so great, it's worth taking the tiny risk.

I would seek counselling to let go of your guilt for sleeping with someone else. Yes it was a mistake and yes hurtful, but you didn't cheat and you do not need to tell OH. If I was in his position, I wouldn't want to know.

But I would definitely test as soon as she is born. No matter the physical resemblance.

[MaMaof04]

Good Luck no matter what you decide! You are a very good person. I understand that you do not to spoil his joy of being soon the father of a little daughter. Are you religious? Is he religious? If yes then go to a priest and he might help you through this terrible episode and bring you back the joy of being pregnant. Good Luck!
I hope you will find some peace of mind.

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

What Slithytove said. You need to forgive yourself.

[Halleberry]

Thank you for all replies. Your all so kind to take the time to try and help a stranger. You will never know how much it has meant to me. I've decided that I'm not going to say anything for now. I'm going to have some help dealing with my guilt. As already said, if the baby is not his ... The damage is already done. I dont think now it matters whether its before or after the birth.People may judge my decision by saying this, however look at it this way. We already have a son who he is very involved with. Even if the baby turned out not to be his,he will always be in our lives for the son he has raised and will have to see the baby when he collects our son. I feel like its genuinely to big a risk to take when it's more than likely to be my OH going by all the evidence. I can't destroy all this. If I tell him
Now it will ruin this experience for him. If she turns out to be his it will still be tarred with sadness and resentment that I ruined what is one of the happiest times in his life by telling him. It may even affect any connection he has. He may become depressed and angry and resentful about life because of this. What good will that do anyone? I hope you don't mind me posting with some updates on any progress or changes I've made xx

[SnowWhiteAteTheApple]

Doesn't he have to consent to his DNA being tested? Very unethical if companies will do it without the persons consent.

I don't think you'll end up telling him and just want to be told it's fine to hide this secret. You make it sound like its all for him yet if you truly planned to do the DNA at birth you'd have to admit it then and the fact that you have been hiding this for nine months.

[slithytove]

Agree completely with you Halle.
Try your best to enjoy the new few months, love and be excited about your baby girl, get that test and move on.

Keep posting, I'm looking forward to the happy ending

[slithytove]

If she does have to tell him at birth, then the hiding it for 9 months doesn't really matter next to the fact that baby isn't his.

And considering how unlikely that is, it's a risk worth taking.

[spanky2]

I am glad you posted an update as I was thinking of you today. Personally I think you have made the right decision. ??

[spanky2]

Used wrong

[MaMaof04]

I agree OP: The most important now is to stick to your decision and have a healthy lifestyle-and a positive outlook on the world. Let everyone enjoys the experience. Better keep a nice atmosphere whilst you are pregnant. Then when the baby is here go and have the tests for your peace of mind. Good Luck! Try to eat well and to sleep well.

[CuriouSir]

The partner should know in my opinion. It's a deception of the highest order.

[lunar1]

I really hope everything works out for you. I know you are having a hard time, but if I'm truthful I think it's the wrong thing to do. This poor man thinks he's going to be a dad, he will bond with your baby when she's born, I think it's loads worse for him to find out after the birth. He has a right to know, as hard as things are for you this level of deception is too high.

[Halleberry]

Maybe so ... However I'm over 5
Months into the pregnancy. When she is born if my doubts are still
This high I will explain
To him Tht I never told him because I was almost certain she was his. Hopefully he will understand why I never told him during my
Pregnancy. I will
Lose him either way no matter what the outcome if i tell. And the destruction of our family could all be for NOTHING in the end up x

[lunar1]

He will have to know anyway though for the DNA test.

[Halleberry]

There is always the possibility that my friend could come back into the country .... I would then ask him. I could be jumping in here head first and for all I know he could return from his travels and I could sort this with him x

[Surreyblah]

Surely there is some way to contact your former friend? Is he reliable in terms of keeping a DNA test a secret? Could you get the money?

In fairness to your partner and the man you slept with, and the child, you will need a DNA test at some point. Not enough to rely on resemblance. If you don't want to tell your P then the friend is the only other way.

"if the baby is not his ... The damage is already done. I dont think now it matters whether its before or after the birth". I think it would matter: in that scenario you would have compounded the cheating with having lied and let your DP believe he was going to be a father again for the whole pregnancy. Which is even worse.

[SnowWhiteAteTheApple]

So if your doubts are in check, you'll just not bother to tell him that he may not be the father and let him believe he is?

What a way to treat somebody you supposedly love, never mind the poor child who may never no their mum may have deceived them too.

What if you split anyway? Will you then expect him to pay CM without saying anything re parentage?

[Halleberry]

I have an email address for him ((which he has ignored my last 3 messages askin him to call
Me)). I'd need to know and have him back in the country before I could bring this up to him. Maybe my
OH wont feel as hurt if I explain I never said anything because my scan dates put him as the dad so I thought the only secret I was keeping was the fact I slept with another man x