Back to square one :-( don't know who the dad is :-(

[Halleberry]

I posted a while back this same topic. I had become increasingly obsessed with this and could not settle. I managed to move past it (for a while) until yesterday my new midwife told me my dating scan coil be up to a week or so out. Now in devastated as I'd been told before that done at the right time they are never more than a couple of days in or out. Basically my last period was on or around the 20th August. I slept with my partner a few times between the 25th August until we reconciled properly in September. However after a drunken night in the 7th of September, I slept with a good friend of mine. On the 15th of September I don't a pg test and it was positive @ 2/3 weeks. My first scan put my due date @ 26 May 2015. Meaning I conceived on or around beginning of September (and I was sleeping with my partner at this time). But now after new mid wife saying it could be a week out I'm back to square one and I'm ill over it. Anyone any advice/experience please? Can a clear blue say 2/3 weeks only 8 days after intercourse? Does this seem more than likely paranoia and baby is my partners? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Please no judgment. I hate myself enough as it is and this pregnancy is awful.

[Halleberry]

No I would not expect a penny from him. I will get a DNA test one way or another. If its the worst outcome I will be honest with him. I realise how disgusted you appear to be with me but if you could sit in this house with me right now and see my OH and my son laughing and doing homework together ... You may understand how I can't break their hearts right now incase there is no need to. And I do love him In spite
Of how this appears x

[Dowser]

I'm not disgusted with you op.

I'm sure lots of women have been in a similar situation or maybe got lucky and weren't pregnant.

Don't rush into anything just yet.

[Dowser]

I've just seen your earlier posting Halle and it sounded very sensible and very grounded based on strong reasons that the baby is your other half.

Some people are saying you are making a deception AS IF YOU KNEW WHO THE FATHER IS.

That's just it. You don't know. The course of action would be clearer if you did.

I agree don't rock the boat when it may be for nothing. There's a very high probability that this baby is your partners. You had started to live with that thought until this midwife put doubt in your mind.

I think draw a line under it. I wouldn't contact the other chap even.

Do you even have to have a DNA test when the baby is born . It's going to bring it all back.

Draw a line under it and stop torturing yourself.

[Halleberry]

Thanks dowser. I have thought alot about it and the fact is I'm 95% sure it is my OH. It's not even 50/50. To take such a big risk for the sake of 5%?? Or learn to cope and live with that small doubt until I feel the time is right for everyone. I know people think I'm being selfish but I'm thinking of all involved. My son aswell. Break his heart and happy home AGAIN ((he took our seperation last year quite badly)) all for the sake of 5%? X

[FellowSubroutine]

FWIW I'm another one who doesn't think you're being selfish, and I'm not remotely "disgusted" by your predicament.
I think it can be a totally sensible decision to not rock the boat in a situation like yours. As others have said, there's always time to take your 95% certainty to 100% later if you feel the need. Once you have the kiddie, you may not feel it's necessary. If there are still nagging doubts you can address them then. Focus now on enjoying your pregnancy with your family. All the best.

[Halleberry]

Thank you fellow. This is very difficult. I guess I am a bit cowardly but I'm doing the best I can. Regardless of when it even of it has to come out ... Hearts are going to be brown whether baby is here or not. People are talking about him bonding with the baby etc and how much harder it will be. Nobody has seen him with how he is towards his baby girl already. She may not be physically here yet but he has already "bonded" in his own way with her. He talks to her every night. He doesn't come in from work and have dinner ... He insists that we lay on the sofa until he feels her movin and kicking before he will get on with his night. The bond is already there :-( x

[lunar1]

Your poor dp.

[Awadebumbo]

I know you must be having a really tough time but if there is any doubt over paternity you have to tell your partner.
You cannot deceive someone like that it is unfair regardless of the motives behind it.

[Halleberry]

The deception has been done and carried on for more than half of my pregnancy. I should have told him straight away. I've dug a hole now x

[Dowser]

I think it's really hurtful right now that so many are judging you.

Let everyone who feels this way walk a mile in your shoes.

We can all take the moral high ground because for us it's hypothetical. You are living with the reality and yes you are looking at the bigger picture.

If a doctor or nurse were to pop up and say this baby is not your OH then it's all clear cut but this isn't.

You said at the beginning that you notice a difference in yourself before you slept with the friend which you felt pointed to the fact that you were already pregnant. That is your gut feeling.

Stay with that thought.

[lunar1]

Try looking at it from the other side dowser. The dp is spending months bonding with a baby he thinks is his. As bad as the op feels her partner is the innocent party.

He should have the right to decide how to deal with this. If he choses to it should be his right to put some distance between himself and the op until paternity is determined.

You can't condemned others for feeling his rights to make choices about things that have a massive impact on his life are being denied.

I understand why the op has chosen what she has, but I think it's fair enough that some of us don't agree.

[nozzz]

A real shame that a lifetime may pass until paternity is determined.

[Surreyblah]

So do you plan to do a DNA test at all?

You could email the former friend man with the full info (rather than just "please call me") saying that there is a small chance, and that for your own peace of mind and your DP and DS's sake you would like to do a DNA test asap, asking him help and not reveal any of this to your DP.

[ChippingInLatteLover]

Add message | Report | Message poster Halleberry Thu 29-Jan-15 14:30:40
Yes ... It would be his first born and my he is so excited about it. He isn't the most open of people but becoming a new dad has opened up a whole new side to him. He talks about her all the time and about all the things he is going to teach her etc etc. he is already in love as at his parents and siblings. This will be the first in his family. I don't know what the specialist will say to me but I pray there is something can help me through the next 4 months. I'm so quiet and withdrawn and I'm unable to eat. I know he can sense that something isn't right :-(


Halle. You are doing the right thing. The chance it isn't your DP's in teeny, tiny. Practically impossible. Get back to where you were before some throw away comment made by a midwife.

Enjoy this pregnancy, enjoy your DP's excitement. Work on making your relationship stronger, your family unit good.

You made a mistake, we've all made mistakes. Before you & your DP had the break & he sorted himself out, he was emotionally unavailable to you and you were lonely & vulnerable and your 'friend' took advantage if that.

Put it behind you. You will know your baby's blood type at birth, if it fits with you and your DP it will be another 'marker' for you. You'll see her, you may be able to tell. At some stage in the future you can get a DNA test done, without him knowing. If she's his all good and well, if she's not you will have to tell him, but hopefully by then you'll be a secure unit and he will forgive you.

I think it's the best you can do under the circumstances.

[ChippingInLatteLover]

I would not be writing this in a letter, email, text, Facebook! anything to the 'friend'. Only ask if you speak on the phone or in person.

[PotteringAlong]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2295291-DSS-has-just-found-out-DH-might-not-be-his-dad

[Violettadoesthekondo]

We have tried to conceive for years and have read lots over the years to maximise our chances.

I can tell you for definite scan dates are rarely accurate. Due to fertility issues, ovulation sticks, ovulation cramps and following my temp, I knew exactly when I ovulated to the exact day with all 4 kids. All my scan dates were out, one by 5 days!

How many days are your cycles? The average is 27 or 28 days but they can be longer or shorter. Generally but not always, ovulation occurs two weeks before a period.

I'd say that if your last period was the 20th and you have a 28 day cycle, it's likely you ovulated on September 3rd.

Sperm can live inside you for up to about 5 days post sex, with much fewer sperm living to till the 5th day. Your most fertile days would have been the day before ovulation (2nd?) and the day of ovulation (3rd?). The egg is only around for a short time (a day?) and then it's over.

It is possible to get a positive pregnancy test 9 or so days after ovulation with a sensitive pregnancy test.

How dark a pregnancy test is or how many weeks it claims you are depends on your HCG levels. This can vary from woman to woman resulting in some women only having a light pink pregnancy line at 14 days post ovulation, while others have a deep dark purple line at 14 days post ovulation. Levels increase at different rates but are still with in the normal range. The weeks thing can be misleading

[Halleberry]

My LMP was approx 20th August. I had intercourse with my OH a few
Times end of August beginning September and intercourse with my friend on the 7th September. My due date is going by my scan and not my
LMP as its been irregular and I think my periods have been sort
Of every 31 days. I've been reading about the luetal phase though and how important this is?? Anyone able to she'd anymore light on this? C

[ChippingInLatteLover]

Honest to God you are going to push yourself over the edge. I wish you were here, in my sitting room. I shake you, then hug you!

You will not get any clearer an answer than you have now going by dates. You really, really won't. Please try to accept that.

You are pregnant with a lovely little girl.

Your partner is over the Moon.

Your DS is happy.


Do you really want to mess all of that up?

If you keep on obsessing, crying, not eating you are going to end up blurting it out to him, making yourself I'll, upset your DS and really not do your DD any good either.

You made a mistake. Now is not the time to tell your partner about it, if ever.

It is more than likely his, much much more likely.

Put it out of your head. Read my previous post, please.

[Halleberry]

I know chipping :-( the guilt is just so excruciating ... I feel like if I jut keep searching I will somehow find the answer! I'm obsessive by nature anyway. I'm taking it to extremes now. Although I would be interested in knowing more about the luetal phase as it disproves some of the earlier comments. I wish I could stop trying to go d the answer and hopefully I will calm down a bit after I've spoke to someone. You have been great chipping. Thank you

[ChippingInLatteLover]

Halle. I have an obsessive nature too. I understand looking for answers that don't exist. It takes one to know one I think! It's just easier when you are on the outside to think logically and clearly, but I know from the inside that advice is hard, if not impossible, to take x. Obsessive goes hand in hand with feeling like if you look hard enough, properly, you'll find the answer. Sometimes we do when others have long given up :) you can have the answer with this, but you can't ask the question.

Try not to worry about proving some of the points, it's really unimportant.

As far as I can see, you have one choice to make, right now. Let it be for now, build strength in your relationship and your family unit and deal with it after she is born or fall apart and tear it all apart, but it is ver ver very unlikely she isn't his.

Right now you are tearing it all apart, slowly, day by day. Either put it to one side or rip it off like a sticky plaster and tell him. But make a decision and deal with it or you'll end up in hospital.

[MeeWhoo]

Re. the DNA testing, could you maybe use DNA from your older son to check if they are "full" siblings? That way you don't have to ask your friend or dh for a sample?

[Violettadoesthekondo]

The luteal phase is usually 14 days but can be slightly longer or shorter. Mines sometimes shorter by 4 days. The thing is, if you're periods vary slightly, there is no way you will be able to work it out from the dates and be 100% certain. You can only guess

Can you be honest with your DP now? Tell him how much it's upsetting you but that you don't know.

[ChippingInLatteLover]

Mae. Did you read the thread? Her older DS is not biologically his, but he's brought him up from being a baby. She has posted this several times.

Violetta. No, she's already said (twenty million times) that if she tells him she slept with this 'friend' he will leave her, irrespective of whether the baby is his or not. She's suffering with MH issues as it is and would not cope with him leaving.

Is expecting people to read a thread, or at the very least the op's posts, really too much to ask on serious threads?

[Violettadoesthekondo]

Actually I have read the thread chipping and taken a lot of time to explain what I know about ovulation and timings. Its quite easy to miss/forget the odd point when reading through and it's unessesary to jump down people's throats.