Back to square one :-( don't know who the dad is :-(

[Halleberry]

I posted a while back this same topic. I had become increasingly obsessed with this and could not settle. I managed to move past it (for a while) until yesterday my new midwife told me my dating scan coil be up to a week or so out. Now in devastated as I'd been told before that done at the right time they are never more than a couple of days in or out. Basically my last period was on or around the 20th August. I slept with my partner a few times between the 25th August until we reconciled properly in September. However after a drunken night in the 7th of September, I slept with a good friend of mine. On the 15th of September I don't a pg test and it was positive @ 2/3 weeks. My first scan put my due date @ 26 May 2015. Meaning I conceived on or around beginning of September (and I was sleeping with my partner at this time). But now after new mid wife saying it could be a week out I'm back to square one and I'm ill over it. Anyone any advice/experience please? Can a clear blue say 2/3 weeks only 8 days after intercourse? Does this seem more than likely paranoia and baby is my partners? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Please no judgment. I hate myself enough as it is and this pregnancy is awful.

I tested because I didn't "feel" right. My sense of smell was on over drive and I just had a "feeling" ... I know I won't get a 100% answer I guess I just wanted to hear experiences of pg tests Etc. I'm hoping to find some sort of "hope" to get me through until baby is here. My mental health Is a mess and the new mid wife knows about this. She knows the care I am under. She knew my concerns. My old mid wife said it was likely to be my OH but his one said it could be either. I was doing ok until she said this. I was living with it and having some days where I just "knew" it wasn't my friends baby. Now I'm a wreck again. I guess I will just have to wait it out. What a miserable pregnancy x

I think you need to look after your mental health as much as you can at the moment.

It sounds like you will be having the baby either way, so realistically you need to come to terms with the fact that there is nothing you can really do right now.

Can you have a phrase that you repeat to yourself when you start to get panicky? Such as "Nothing can be changed now, what will be, will be and this baby will be a blessing as it's still part of me". Take a deep breath and soldier on through.

Good luck!

Alya, that is incorrect. If August 20th was day 1 of a textbook, average cycle, you'd expect ovulation on September 2nd.

Not correct. Ovulation is pretty reliably 14 days before a period, regardless of its length, so you have to work backwards.

If your period is usually of 30/31 days and is usually on the 20th, 14 days earlier would be the 6th September and that would give you a clear window to get pregnant by this other man on the 7th.
Having said that, presumably sperm by your partner would have already been "in waiting" for your egg (unless he wore condoms) and would have reached it first, BUT there is some research that sperm from men that are not usual partners seems to have some advantage.

Pregnancy is usually calculated from the last period, if I'm not mistaken, so the test could actually be saying one week of actual pregnancy when you tested, which would be one week after ovulation.

Honestly, it could be either way and you should wait and test after the baby is born.

I seriously doubt anyone is going to take the blood of a child to test

It can be done with cheek swabs these days.

Too late for this now, but if there is a next time, do consider a morning after pill just in case.

And I second the advice of getting mental health help. You need support through this.

and if your partner was that great he'd understand and stick by you, particularly if you are honest with him. He was crap before and has been great for a few months. Are you sure it will last?

I'm sorry OP, but you've posted SO many threads asking the same question, but the fact remains no one can help you.

The only way you can know for sure is by doing a DNA test, which would mean telling your DH. I know that's your worst case scenario, but there it is.

I know. Sorry to have bothered everyone. I just needed to talk again. Really struggling with this. And I don't have it in me to tell him :-( x

Dear Halleberry: you are driving yourself insane. What you have to do right now is to go to your GP, confide in him/her, and the NHS might offer you a free paternity DNA test. Your P does not have to know about this test. You can easily bring a sample of his DNA without him knowing. Either his paternity is confirmed and you can put this nightmare behind you, or it is not. In this case you must be honest. You owe this to him to the baby and to yourself. He might still want to stay with you. It is easier to incorporate the OC in the family life when he is the product of the woman's affair than when he is the child of the OW. There are famous similar cases. If he does not want to stay with you anymore then it is fair enough. It will be tough on you in the short term; but you are very young and future partners will appreciate a lot your courage and honesty. Your baby will also appreciate your honesty.
Please go to the GP now an get a DNA paternity test. You owe this to him- to you and to the baby. Staying in the doubt might drive you to insanity- and you risk losing yourself- your P and the sanity of your baby. Stop thinking. Start acting. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You do not have to hate yourself. That helps no-one. Please choose honesty. Good luck

Don't forget that your depression is making you obsess. Rather than obsess see your gp to find out what kind of treatment you can have. How about cbt for your anxiety. This level of worrying is something that you need help to control. I used to worry like this, and it is exhausting. You were lonely, you did something you now regret, but you have to remember that everyone makes mistakes. Get help to learn how to be your friend, forgive yourself. I over eat and am three stone overweight and can't take my dcs swimming as I have scars from self harming I don't want them to see. However I work hard to accept that I did the best I could to recover from my abusive childhood. You had just come out of a very difficult relationship with a man who was emotionally unavailable but you love, you have depression, you were lonely... You did your best and you have learnt what you want. Get help to move on and enjoy your life and your baby.

What would your partner say/do if you told him that you had sex with someone else before you got together and therefore need to have a DNA test. I'm not saying this is the right thing to do but it is another option.

Did you have unprotected sex with both of them?

I really don't think that a GP will do a DNA test with a sample from your dp without his consent! That would be totally unethical.

Mrs MiniverscharLady: I overlooked this ethical aspect- I had another case in mind- you are absolutely right- So yes dear OP if the doctor refuses to do the DNA test for you without your O's consent then the best would be to follow Mrs M-L's advice (to talk to your P about the affair and do the DNA test with his consent.) As the other ladies said above: we all make mistakes- There are many who had a one-night stand and were lucky enough not to have become pregnant. So forgive yourself and yes go and try to get some treatment for your anxieties. In parallel please act and act quickly to find out the truth. Good Luck!

Lweji, I was talking about a textbook 28 day cycle where ovulation is considered to happen on day 14. Exactly halfway through, 14 days from first day of last period, 14 days before the next one. The textbook that my GP thinks is a gospel and all women ovulate on day 14 and have 28 day cycles. I always ovulate on day 11 of my cycle and have a 27 day cycle. I know this. Thus has it ever been. But my GP says this isn't possible because of The Textbook. A woman doesn't reliably ovulate 14 days before her period. While her luteal phase is normally fixed, anything between 10 and 16 days is considered normal.

All I really meant was that Alya couldn't deduce anything about the op from talking about 'average cycles'. Granted, I am going on what the op says in her other threads about her completely irregular cycle, often not having a period at all and not knowing when her last period was. The concept of an average cycle for the op is meaningless.

I second everything Lonecat said above about implantation occurring between 6-12days....the scan rougy says you conceived early September so technically it could eveb be from late August to early Sept. On which case it would be your OH. Im saying this because if it was your mate's implantation might have occurred between the 2nd and 3rd week of September so it would have been too early for the test to pick up HCg at 2-3weeks level of hormones...don't know if that males sense but listen dont let it stress u out. The ba y is coming and one thing for sure is that its yours, the rest will follow one way or another. At the moment you don't have much control over that.

xx

Try this of you really wanna try anymore stuff to help you put your mind at rest. Om not saying it's precise or anything though but it was correct for me Xx

www.baby2see.com/conception_calculator.html#ConceptionCalculator

Please be honest- please do the DNA test, if needed with your partner's consent. Please be honest. This has repercussions on a lot of lives. This will help you regaining the self-esteem that you rightly deserve.
Not long ago a Mum posted on MN that she was divorcing from her H and did not know whether to disclose to him that her son of 10 years old was not his son but the product of an affair...
Project yourself and the baby in the future. Even now: look at the state you are in. Pregnancy is a very emotional experience as it is. Adding to it the kinds of burden you have makes it almost unbearable. Do not forget the baby feels all the emotions you are going through. Break free from the hell you are in now: go to a GP and ask for help and yes for paternity DNA tests. Speculating on ovulations period is like playing Russian Roulettes. Just a little anecdote: when my sister was pregnant with her first baby, she did some tests and based on the guessed ovulation periods and the derived gestation period the doctor was convinced that the child has down syndrome and strongly suggested an abortion. Her husband and her went through Hell but decided to keep the baby. The baby is a She. She was born a beautiful baby and she grew to be a very witty pretty girl. Yeah and based on her date of birth the doc got the gestational age and the ovulation period completely wrong.....So ovulation is much more complex than what we think. Please listen to your conscience - Stop hating yourself and act to find out the truth. Good Luck and Big Hugs!

Thanks so much for everyone's help. I know that telling my OH is the right thing to do ... However I seriously have to consider what will be worse for my mental health? Living with this possibility? Or losing these I love and tearing apart my family. To lose him and see the pain on my sons and his face at this stage into pregnancy I believe will throw me into a deeper depression than I'm already in. If I wait until she is born ... Well at least I could possibly do a DNA without him knowing and maybe just maybe it will then out for the best and for it not to be my friends and I won't need to cause any heart ache. It's the thought of doing this an it turning out to be my OH anyway that puts me off. He would never see past this. Even if we tried to "work it out" I know things would never be the same between us. He is a very loyal and moral person. He could not see past me sleeping with another man when he and I were trying to mend an almost broken relationship :-( I hope I can still come here to chat and vent?? X

I still think you should talk to professionals first. All the mucking about in here about the PG test and ovulation timing possibilities is pointless. Talk to the people who can test you, and who can read your scan. FIRST. You may be all twisted in knots over the mid-wifes random comment that has nothing specifically to do with your pregnancy.

When I got my first scan ((an early
One to see how far on I was)) the sonographer put me at 9weeks and 3 days. When I counted back that put me at exactly 2nd September. Most of this points to it being my OH but it's still hard to settle with no 100% answer which I know only DNA will give me: I am driving myself mad and I can't eat or sleep :-( but if I lost my OH finds out an leaves me j will lose all hope :-( xx

Far better to come clean now than to wait until he meets the child. What if she's not his after he's met her believing it's his daughter? How devastated would he be then?

Relationships should never be built on deceit. Unfair on the partner and children involved. They deserve to be thought of, as at present, you seem to only be considering yourself.

I know it may appear this way ... But I'm thinking about everyone involved ((as hard as it may be to understand this)) :-( x

Nobody can tell you whose child it is OP, the dates are just too close together and if you have irregular cycles, well there's just no way to know.

It's unlikely you'll be able to do a DNA test without your OH's consent, so you're going to need to tell him sooner or later, or just let him raise a child that isn't his without telling him the truth (please don't do this).

The burden is clearly weighing very heavily on you and I think you need to speak to someone about your mental health and consider the possibility of coming clean now and admitting what's going on. One thing is for sure, you can't carry on the way you are.

I don't think anything physical would be able to determine who's the baby is. Both white male with similar hair colour and eye colour. It will be more to do with my conscience. Could I live with this secret even after baby is born? Could I forget all about the DNA test and let life be as it is and if it does come out one day deal with it then? These are all things I wonder about all the time. The guilts eating me alive as it is :-( I definitely can't go my my
Periods because I have no definite dates and I think my periods are on or around the 20th of each month. The only thing that makes me lean close to my OH is the sonographers very precise date! 9 weeks and 3 days (and its not changed) and that puts me back to very beginning of September which makes it my OH but as I've read and been told, they can be out so god knows now :-(

So you can't live with telling him and you can't live with not telling him? You say your mental health won't take telling him but it doesn't sound like it's coping with not telling him either.

You need a DNA test because there is no positive outcome for you at the moment.

I would say with 99% certainly your baby is your partners.