Back to square one :-( don't know who the dad is :-(

[Halleberry]

I posted a while back this same topic. I had become increasingly obsessed with this and could not settle. I managed to move past it (for a while) until yesterday my new midwife told me my dating scan coil be up to a week or so out. Now in devastated as I'd been told before that done at the right time they are never more than a couple of days in or out. Basically my last period was on or around the 20th August. I slept with my partner a few times between the 25th August until we reconciled properly in September. However after a drunken night in the 7th of September, I slept with a good friend of mine. On the 15th of September I don't a pg test and it was positive @ 2/3 weeks. My first scan put my due date @ 26 May 2015. Meaning I conceived on or around beginning of September (and I was sleeping with my partner at this time). But now after new mid wife saying it could be a week out I'm back to square one and I'm ill over it. Anyone any advice/experience please? Can a clear blue say 2/3 weeks only 8 days after intercourse? Does this seem more than likely paranoia and baby is my partners? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Please no judgment. I hate myself enough as it is and this pregnancy is awful.

In which case I would wait and do a DNA test once baby is here. Not a chance would I tell until I knew for sure baby wasn't his.

How many weeks are you?

How many scans have you had? If each scan puts your conception at the start of September (meaning the pregnancy is dated 2 weeks prior) then of course it is your DH's.

I had a scan 8/1/2015 and that dated me at 20w and 2days?? I also had a scan after bleeding on 11/12/2014 and that date me 16w and 2 days?? I'm so confused a our the whole 2 weeks thing. I think my head is so confuse with all this I can't retain alot of information about conception and dates. The only thing now that points me towards my OH is the test. How could I possibly get such a high reading of 2/3 weeks after only 8 days? Also a clear reading on two very cheap tests. And also if t cycle is 31 days long then I took the test 5 days before my period was even due and I still got a positive??? X

It would be very unusual indeed to get a strong positive after just eight days.

Let's examine this. So, you roughly have a thirty day cycle, and it is regular. This means that, most likely, you would have ovulated around day fourteen of your cycle. So, we are now at September 2.

If you had conceived on September the 7th or early on the 8th, you would need to have ovulated on day 20. This, though not totally impossible, is very unlikely, given your regular cycle. It is even more unlikely that you then obtained a strong positive result so soon. Most women would not get a positive result then even if they were indeed pregnant, and even if they did, it would usually be a very faint line. The exception would be with a multiple birth, which you know you do not have. Even after fertilization , the egg takes about a week to implant in the uterus and begin producing HcG - our friend that turns the pregnancy test positive.

Your initial ultrasound confirmed the beginning of September theory. It seems to me that you were already pregnant when you slept with this man on September 7th.

Ps: you would be lucky to get a positive result from blood, never mind wee, 8 days after conception!

Thanks for that detail there. Although I know nothing is fool proof and only DNA can be 100% ... It still helps to ease the worry until I decide what is best. Regardless of what the right thing to do in regards to telling my OH, I desperately want this baby to be his better he leaves me or not. It would be devastating for it to be my "wherever I lay my hat" friends!! My baby girl would have a wonderful dad in my OH but my friend would be useless. My period is not regular unfortunately. Infact going through old texts earlier right back til April last year I asked my Mum to pick me up tampons on the 4th of April,my next text I could find was June 21st telling my friend my period had just came and I couldn't go swimming with them. So it looks like I have a very irregular cycle. How much does that matter when you are scanned though? I thought a scan would be pretty accurate at giving an estimate within a day or two x

Ok so all of your scans have dated you exactly the same.

Also, all of those scans have put your conception at the start of September.

The way conception works, the egg HAS to meet the sperm on its travels, meaning the egg can't wait around. But the sperm can.

The egg can't be released on the 2nd to then be fertilised on the 7th.

Lmp puts ovulation at the 3rd sept.

Positive test indicates conception of start of sept.

I really belive thus baby is your partners. Get tests secretly when you can, but don't tell him unless the baby isn't his.

And try and enjoy your pregnancy. Whatever happens, this baby is yours and will be amazing regardless of its paternity.

Scans can be off. But three scans all pointing to the same dates within a 2 day range I would trust as being accurate.

You could go to relate or mind to talk about this.

I think you need to speak to someone ( a counseller) to help you unravel this big ball of black cloud you've knitted yourself. That would be my step one

Step two. Following the counselling, you then can have a clearer path to a solution. It's going round and round in your head op like a cat chasing its tail.

to get a bit of a male perspective I asked OH who is a very sensible and level headed guy and like me he feels that it's best to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

Deal with the present. There's a baby on the way and everyone is happy about it( presuming from your posts)

So, you need to keep yourself well and healthy .

There's a strong probability this baby is his.

How many tests are wrong. How many people without cancer have had bits cut off, chemotherapy etc on the basis of a wrong test result. How many people have been wrongly diagnosed ( my cousins aggressive cance was passed off as piles for three years) thanks to a misdiagnosis. So you need to get some perspective on this.

You feel guilty that's true but against the big picture it's about living with your guilt when the baby is highly likely to be his and you could settle into domestic bliss with no need to worry about the baby being I'll, needing genetic testing etc

I'm sure my cousin is bringing up someone else's baby as they had split up and she was seek g someone else but the baby is loved dearly by everyone and the couple are happy so who's to argue.

Don't worry about the future. You are torturing yourself with things that may not happen. Deal with the present.

But yes, have a chat/ counselling sessions with the professionals.

You have three scans and a pregnancy test that all seem to say it was conceived when you were with your DP. I'd be fairly sure it is his baby. At some point you will obviously need to do a test to be completely sure, but it sounds very likely the result will be what you hope!

If you used a clearblue digital and it said 2-3 weeks, it actually would mean you were 4-5 weeks pregnant.
Even 13 days post conception I was getting only faint positives.

I would think it is your partners.

Will you even feel better if it is proved it is your partners? As you seem so eaten up with guilt not sure even finding out for certain will help you.

I think you feel so bad about sleeping with this guy you are massively punishing yourself whatever the result of any DNA test.

Thank you for our reply. I am seeing my specialist next week and will talk about this in depth. Until then at least my lips are sealed. Your right I am torturing myself. The guilt is eating at me. I need to find a way to cope with that guilt. Telling him won't ease my guilt ... I will STILL fell guilty and on top of that I will have to deal with the added guilt
Of breaking his heart,breaking our sons heart,and the adde emotions of fear and being alone. I think one emotion of guilt against one person is enough for me right now. I need to start eating and sleeping properly as I'm sure this can't be good for baby. I pray to dear lord that this little girl my OH. Hope
Your all hoping with
Me :-( x thanks for the support x

You know we all make mistakes & we all have secrets.

Speak to your midwife/counsellor & tell them your concerns.

If the other guy is the father, what good will that do ? From what you've said, your DP will be there for you & the DC...no need to tell. But agree, if you do this, never tell. EVER.

I knew I was pregnant before Id missed a period. Like you OP I had very definite signals when I was just two to three weeks. Sore breasts and a heightened sense of smell.

I went into a loo on holiday after some woman had left a disgusting smell behind and nearly vomited on the spot. I came out reeling as I wasn't a sickly person this was very strange.

I was still a week or so away from my period.

I too think its 99 per cent your partners and you were already pregnant when you slept with your friend.

Put it out of your mind . Your baby is coming and be happy.

I don't even think knowing this baby is my OH will ease this guilt. I can't believe I was capable of such a thing to this lovely sweet man who would do anything for me :-( the guilt is torturous x

I know. That's where relate would be good. It won't expunge your guilt but it will help you to live with it.

I'm not hoping, I know this baby is your ohs.

And yes, you made an error of judgement at an emotional time. But you did not cheat, you are not cheating, you regret it, and that should be the end of it. Don't punish yourself with guilt. Find a way to release it, whether it's counselling or whatever.

Oh doesn't need to know, as long as this baby is his. 4 months and you can confirm it for sure.

Is your other child your partners

Not biologically unfortunately but he has brought him up like his own. Different circumstances though.
I wouldnt expect him to feel ok with bringing this one up because he brought my other one up. We met AFTER my son was born. We weren't on a break about to reconcile and I stupidly slept with Someone else :-( he would never forgive me for this. If I thought there was a slight chance he would I'd tell him. But we were trying to me d things. We were back sleeping together. We hadnt made anything "official" but we both knew where it was going. Still an emotional time but I should not have slept with my friend and no amount of begging or pleading in the world would make my OH forgive me for this. And quite rightly so. If I put myself In his shoes I'm not so sure I could forgive :-(

So this is your OH's first child?

Even more reason for not taking the shine off it so to speak.

Can you get some counselling pretty quickly. Mind saw me very quickly.

Yes ... It would be his first born and my he is so excited about it. He isn't the most open of people but becoming a new dad has opened up a whole new side to him. He talks about her all the time and about all the things he is going to teach her etc etc. he is already in love as at his parents and siblings. This will be the first in his family. I don't know what the specialist will say to me but I pray there is something can help me through the next 4 months. I'm so quiet and withdrawn and I'm unable to eat. I know he can sense that something isn't right :-(

Oh OP, what a mess.

I have to say that I really think you should tell your OH. You say that it will affect your MH negatively if he leaves (he might not you know? You made a mistake during a difficult point in your relationship) but honestly, you're not coping with keeping this secret anyway, are you? This anxiety is a terrible thing to go through and it's clear that something has got to give.

I believe that your OH has the right to know that there's a possibility that this baby isn't is. He is completely in the dark about all of this at the moment and that's just plain wrong. I've got to be honest, I'm quite shocked at some of the talk about obtaining his DNA in order to carry out a test without his knowledge. It's not only unethical but surely there are some legal problems with doing this?

Cross posted with your last message. God. You have to tell him.

Maybe Halle you should withdraw from this thread for your own sanity. There's going to be all the fors and againsts and you are going to be wrung dry at every twist and turn.

It's your baby and it's your decision at the end of the day.

There's no clear cut answer. If there was you wouldn't be asking the question and we wouldn't be offering solutions.

As I see it, there's two clear choices either not telling him at all or telling him the baby might not be his in which case dealing with the fall out when the Sh*t hits the fan.

A counsellor who will support you to find your own solution is the best option because you are the one who will have to deal with the consequences.

I think now we are only muddying the waters.

And I don't think she HAS to tell him at all.

Life isn't all black and white sadly.

My son is bringing up a child that may or may not be his own. The joy that this child has brought to this family means I wouldn't want to know.

I strongly believe this child is his. As a baby he looked me when I was a baby but who knows.

The thing is none of us need to know. It doesn't matter. We've had a lifetime of love from this child.