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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Back to square one :-( don't know who the dad is :-(

409 replies

Halleberry · 28/01/2015 12:18

I posted a while back this same topic. I had become increasingly obsessed with this and could not settle. I managed to move past it (for a while) until yesterday my new midwife told me my dating scan coil be up to a week or so out. Now in devastated as I'd been told before that done at the right time they are never more than a couple of days in or out. Basically my last period was on or around the 20th August. I slept with my partner a few times between the 25th August until we reconciled properly in September. However after a drunken night in the 7th of September, I slept with a good friend of mine. On the 15th of September I don't a pg test and it was positive @ 2/3 weeks. My first scan put my due date @ 26 May 2015. Meaning I conceived on or around beginning of September (and I was sleeping with my partner at this time). But now after new mid wife saying it could be a week out I'm back to square one and I'm ill over it. Anyone any advice/experience please? Can a clear blue say 2/3 weeks only 8 days after intercourse? Does this seem more than likely paranoia and baby is my partners? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Please no judgment. I hate myself enough as it is and this pregnancy is awful.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 14/05/2015 16:23

I'd also like to point out that the DP already loves a child that is not biologically related to him, the OP's first child.

paddymcgintysmum · 14/05/2015 16:23

You will be the Mum who gives love and guidance throughout your child's life.
You will do it well. Xx

Awadebumbo · 14/05/2015 17:00

But the OP's DP knows the child is not biologically his.
Whichever way you look at it it's morally wrong to deceive someone like this

Justusemyname · 14/05/2015 17:08

No I won't.

Justusemyname · 14/05/2015 17:09

Bollocks. That was to Eden.

You knew the child wasn't yours. There is a chance this man will bring up and love a child he believes to be his. That is not fair

FFS my parents were shit but at least I BIOLOGICALLY know who they were. They were shit. They are worthless. I will celebrate when they die but it STILL means something that I know genetically who I am.

Littlemonstersrule · 14/05/2015 18:32

I think all the previous threads point to the fact that the OP has no intention of telling her DH he may not be the father.

Given she hasn't mentioned to him at any point during the last nine months,mits now very unlikely the DNA test will take place and the poor DH will be none the wiser. Unfair to him and the child.

AGirlCalledBoB · 14/05/2015 18:57

I agree, some people have given advice that is very morally questionable and I do wonder if they would be the same if it was their son in this situation.

Some of the gems on here,
"Don't bother with DNA, the baby. Is probably your partners"
"Don't tell him and wait to see who baby looks like" Hmm
"Do the DNA in secret" sure way to show love right there Hmm

I feel for op and she should absolutely concentrate on herself and the baby right now. She is a new mother. However she should then do the right thing, admit the truth, do DNA and then move on from there, not be advised to keep decieving the poor man innocent in all this.

Lndnmummy · 14/05/2015 18:58

Wishing you all the best Halle!

Pidgy · 14/05/2015 19:59

Why does she have to do a DNA test if it's clear to all who the father is once she's born? Why does she have to tell the truth?
And why is what you say the 'right thing'?
It's completely up to the OP.
Plus, when did all advice have to be 'morally' correct?
Get off your moral high horse (hun).....

50shadesofmeh · 14/05/2015 20:21

Good luck Halle, enjoy your new baby and try not to let it interfere in the special time between you and her.

chippednailvarnish · 14/05/2015 20:33

Pidgy a child has a right to know who their parents are.

Justusemyname · 14/05/2015 20:44

Podgy, it is so wrong that the OP can have such control over two peoples lifes. She cheated but it's a father who might not be a father and a baby who could grow up thinking X is his dad when it is actually A who is.

King1982 · 14/05/2015 20:57

I think the OP has her best interests in mind. She doesn't want to upset her family unit/her life.
Do the right thing, have a DNA test. That is the correct thing for you, fiancé and child.

RustyParker · 14/05/2015 20:59

I've been following your thread Halle and seen that today is "DD" Day!

I hope all has gone well for you x

Awadebumbo · 14/05/2015 21:00

How can she be clear who the father is unless she has a DNA test Pidgy?

AGirlCalledBoB · 14/05/2015 21:13

Pidgy you can't be sure who the father is without a DNA test.

Now I don't believe it is morally right to carry on lying to this poor sod who has supported her through everything. I think it is wrong to let a man believe he is a father when there is doubt. I could not do it to a man. There is also the potential damage to the kids if this all came out years later if the other man is father. I think the right course for everyone involved would be to tell the truth and do the DNA test. You of course are entitled to disagree with that and of course op can do whatever she likes.

NCTimeAgain · 14/05/2015 21:29

Delurking to say I hope all is well and that you and your daughter are healthy and happy.

Also, reading your posts, I think you will only find peace of mind for yourself when you know for sure who the baby's father is.

I know 2 men who unwittingly brought up babies who weren't genetically theirs, though 1 man suspected from the outset.

1 of the men discovered the truth when the child was around 9 or 10 and the other was asked to have a DNA test by his adult 'daughter' when she was in her 30s because she'd always had a hunch that something was not quite right. There was emotional devastation in both families - to the children as well as to the adults. There were divorces and the woman is NC with her mother.

Sometimes these things have a way of coming out later and with your level of anxiety, it's a fair bet that you'll not have any proper peace of mind until you know for sure. It'll always be hanging over you and you sound so lovely.

All the best.

Fairy13 · 14/05/2015 21:41

Good luck.

To the above posters commenting about how awful the advice has been and how awful it is that OP has control over two lives, try to remember how vulnerable this poster is.

She is a woman only hours post birth, with what sound like significant mental health problems.

Halle, I hope you are relaxing and enjoying your beautiful baby.
I think you should do a DNA test for your own peace of mind though, so you can put this behind you and concentrate on your family.

Meerka · 14/05/2015 21:49

halle I hope today has gone well and you and your family are cuddling your little newborn.

long term, I think a DNA test would put your mind at rest. That's very important. A worm eating away at your certainty has done no good at all and you need that peace of mind, seriously.

Once you -know- then you can plan from there.

all the best to you and your lovely, adorable baby and to your family.

HopefulHamster · 14/05/2015 21:58

Hope you are enjoying lovely snuggles OP.

Pidgy · 14/05/2015 22:57

You don't always need a DNA test to show who the father of a child is!! It could be very obvious. In that case, who is to say what is right for the OP. If that isn't the case, perhaps the OP's DP may or may not realise, but ultimately only the OP knows what she, her DD and DP have to gain or lose by the situation and the decisions that she makes.

textfan · 14/05/2015 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Halleberry · 15/05/2015 04:57

My beautiful little princess was born early yesterday morning. I haven't really slept. Wasn't really expecting to come on to read some of this stuff Sad I am doing the best I can in a bad situation. And I WILL get this sorted. I know I can't live with the not knowing. I just can't do it right now. I'm in turmoil and emotional and I'm trying to bond with my daughter. I'm not sure that some of u know 100% what you Would do if in this position x

OP posts:
FeijoaSundae · 15/05/2015 05:11

Gosh, good luck with everything. There are a lot people on here that can recognize that the situation is completely shit, but still totally feel for you.

I hope things work out. My ex was the child in this situation, and his Mum was/is the loveliest person ever, in spite of what happened. Good people make mistakes.

Flowers
Pispcina · 15/05/2015 06:02

Hurrah! What a lovely time of year to have a new baby Flowers

Please take care and enjoy this time. It's so important, not to let anything bother you right now. It can all wait. Honestly it can xx