support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

[JonesTheSteam]

Can i ask then, does that mean you don't think MN is the place for such a support thread at all, Vivacia?

[Vivacia]

You may ask and I'll refer you to the two times I've said that there's definitely a place for this thread here.

[Vivacia]

(And not because I agree with it, but because I defer to the better judgement of those wanting it, their feelings and their beliefs).

[tain]

Using the pro Anna analogy then the whole of mn should not exist . I think this is a difficult subject on here, there is a very heavy LTB brigade on here. So for that reason I find this thread refreshing, peoples circumstances differ enormously and for some of us The LTB is not the first option. Its just as well Katie Price is in the bb house isn't it? as she may be tempted to join this thread, she too has been slated horrendously for not LTB. I have been watching her with interest and think she has handled it all very well of late, initially she did lose the plot a little by posting on social media about the friends. But that's nothing new, she lives her life in the media!

[elfycat]

Vivacia sorry if I've missed the post on here where you've mentioned if you are in this thread because you too are experiencing relationship issues.

If you are then welcome to our safe space where we all seem to be muddling through our lives as best we can, explaining how our lives are using the best terminology we can manage, trying to put words to our nebulous fears and hopes.

I for one do not think this will be an enabling thread, the anti-LTB I take exception to your pro-ana analogy thread if you like. I'm pretty determined that I will only stay with DH if I get back to radiant self-confidence, happiness and equality within my relationship. I would be encouraging people who seem to have sacrificed too much (IMO) to work through it to find themselves in amongst the crap. Or potentially to indeed LTB.

[tain]

I wish u luck elfycat, I often think the posters who spout LTB have not been in that situation. Life is not black an white.

[Vivacia]

I think that there are lot of wrong, generalisations spouted in both directions. I would generally challenge the idea that those people who say LTB do so because they haven't been in that position. I think one of the (many) positives of MN is that we benefit from those who have been there and are also very keen to share their stories so others can benefit from them.

[brontolo]

I would also be keen to know if vivacia has been in the situation the intended users of this thread find themselves in.

I don't see this thread at all as enabling. It has been a very welcome find as I try to figure out the mess in my head while knowing that - unexpectedly - my first thought was not LTB. Actually, my very very first thought probably was to do just that, but reasonable thinking since then has shown it is far from that simple.

[elfycat]

Wading into the 'telling the children' discussion. My DDs are under 6 and have not been told that their father was arranging a date with another woman.

But then that's not what I'm upset over. I was so sick of his other behaviour that finding his emails was only the straw. My problem was the utter lack of respect shown by him to me over the last couple of years. He's away half the time (works at sea) and when he's back he micro-manages me to the nth degree. He nags me about money spending, as though we should all switch off like robots when he's not around to save money. His criticism over my driving reached it's zenith over the summer when he reached into my driving space to beep the horn at someone. It's not like he's the world's finest driver.

Despite me telling him I was worn to the bone by everything I need to do (and the uncontrolled allergy/asthma thing I had all spring. I was blue and breathless, with blackouts, for 4 months) he nagged me for sex , by whining about his lack of it obviously adding to his allure I couldn't fucking breathe sitting quietly in a chair... But I still unloaded 170 travertine floor tiles from a lorry, and coated them with sealant and stacked them for the tiler to save us money.

His parents are bullies. It's been grim. He's been joining in for a couple of years. It's been intolerable.


So I told the DDs a version of that, and how Daddy has not been looking after me but insisting I should look after him.

[tain]

Elfycat I think you would of been better to tell a friend rather than ur dcs. Your children don't need to know the details, daddy is upsetting mummy would be enough surely? If you feel the need to dump the crap on ur children. Lifes crappy enough as it is.. They are not your support network!
Im sorry you are having a terrible time, please use mn to vent not ur innocent dcs.

[elfycat]

I didn't off-load on them, and I did off-load on here and with RL friends. But there was a bit of tension in the house. Plus the 48 hours that we left for a couple of hours for him to get out and give me space, and then he sat at home thinking I would go back. The kids may have noticed the sleep-over with tesco shopping trip for a change of clothing...

So I explained that Daddy had been doing something that made me unhappy, but not looking after me when I was ill, and not helping me with practically anything.

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

I split up with XH a few years ago after an affair. Far from simple and there was an attempt to make it work before splitting.

I think the kids thing is interesting. My kids were teens and tbh , whilst in many ways they were my main worry throughout, we were not good at all in retrospect at saying the right thing to them throughout. In effect they were largely in the dark. There were reasons for this at the time which seemed justifiable.

Some years on I can see now what a mistake that was. Given the overall messiness of my head at the time I'm not sure in some ways quite how I would have handled this but I do know that they endured a lot of silence, confusion, tension and pain which perhaps could have been handled differently.

[humanmagicmarker]

Wow. I just set this up because I thought it'd make me feel better to know that people were feeling the same as me and we might be able to give each other advice, share stories. I didn't want to start an argument about infidelity, this is for anyone having a hard time, male or female, whatever their relationship's circumstances. I didn't want people to get catty, telling each other that their thoughts were wrong or unjustified.

I just wanted some support from others who were trying as hard as I am to put one foot in front of the other every day without screaming.

[MaMaof04]

Well said Human! BTW the We shall Overcome sub-talk forum I am proposing encompass both the people who decided to rebuild their relationship and the ones who decided to break it after an affair. Like Human said this thread or sub-forum must be about people who try to put one foot in front of the other every day without too much pain- be it because they leave the betrayer or because they remain with him/her. The aim of the thread started by Human is to walk tall and toward a better future after an affair. Human wanted to make it is a shoulder to cry on a tough life-journey and a lighthouse when in confusion. It is a thread to all women who do not want to let the affair dehumanize them- or deprive their kids from a dad/mum just because of some 'honor splitting' (as per honor killing). Partners who choose to leave the betrayer- because they reached the conclusion that it is the best for all concerned- are welcome here as long as they come here to cry and strengthen their hearts and as long as they remember that their choice suited them best but does not necessarily suit others. No-one of us chose to come to this club- we found ourselves in it and together we will cry and fight to make it humanizing and empowering. Human started this thread because she realized that most threads about affairs are about affairs that ended in break up. Her thread says that the outcome of an affair must not be necessarily a break-up- but that does not mean that it says that the outcome should never be a break-up.That is all.
Another subject: about telling or not telling children - I said the reasons behind my choice and the outcomes as at now. It is an example. It is not a dogma. Good Luck to all of us!

[tain]

I will just disappear then! I commented on the telling children post, as I made a decision not to tell them I deemed mine too young. Maybe I should of told them. Bad day every where for me today. (gone away to find a suitable corner to hide in).

[humanmagicmarker]

I didn't mean to rebuke anyone, just feel that people are getting aggressive and that moves away from what my intention was with this thread! Don't go x

[elfycat]

We're all muddling through tain. I may have muddled my post.

I wondered if I had made it sound like I told my DDs all of that stuff and I can see how that would read, but I was trying to explain that the attempted affair wasn't my most major issue to the people of this thread and that the DDs got an abbreviated version of the negativity I'd been on the receiving end of, to explain why tensions were high in our house.

[elfycat]

Maybe we need a set of guidelines along the lines of the Stately Homes thread.

So no posters coming on to accuse us of being... what was it? Pro-ana etc.
Or criticising our choice to stay and work through it. They can go make their own TAAT.

That we all have our own success criteria and to respect that others may differ from our own.

That there are many paths we can take to traverse the mountains. We must understand if people need an extra rope, or to rest on the ledge and other metaphors.

etc..

[tain]

elfycat Sorry if I sounded aggressive, that was not my intention, its a subject that is relevant to me right now. It has made me think about my decision's.

[MaMaof04]

Tan please do not go away.
Elfy there are hidden guidelines: helping people who decide to fight and rebuild their relationships. Even people whose relationship was broken following an affair can help. They can tell what happened after the break-up- to them and to all concerned. It will all help us make a choice. I have looked around and listened to people who broke up. (BTW the lady from MN who helped me through a lot is a lady who left the marital house. She is happy but there are things that she is missing.) Moreover the pain and confusion caused by the affair is the same pain for all of us. My marriage is not fully recovered (it is sexless!!!) and I do not know whether I will ever fancy him again. It is not good. It is terrible- especially for him. And yes we must remember that these men we chose them and the ones who gave us a lot deserve a second chance. They strayed because they are 'men'- the new world with frequent travels and huge open space offices and big internet sites might act as huge 'chasing fields' on the men's mind and awake in them primitive instincts. As women - mothers, daughters, sisters and lovers- we must help them curb these instincts. And our approach must be an approach of compassion: we all make mistakes, we all fight against our bad tendencies, and the most important is that we all aim to become better. That does not mean that we must sell ourselves cheap and 'forgive' as soon as he uttered the word 'sorry' and that we must keep quiet about our pain. He must deserve our forgiveness and we must be able to grieve what we lost.
Good Luck to all and have a nice week.

[Vivacia]

It is a thread to all women who do not want to let the affair dehumanize them- or deprive their kids from a dad/mum just because of some 'honor splitting' (as per honor killing).

It is highly offensive to equate women who don't accept infidelity within their relationship with the misogynistic practice of "honour killings"!

[Vivacia]

And yes we must remember that these men we chose them and the ones who gave us a lot deserve a second chance. They strayed because they are 'men'- the new world with frequent travels and huge open space offices and big internet sites might act as huge 'chasing fields' on the men's mind and awake in them primitive instincts. As women - mothers, daughters, sisters and lovers- we must help them curb these instincts.

Words fail me.

[humanmagicmarker]

Words fail me, too. I keep saying this thread is for support. Just because someone's way of dealing with something is different from yours doesn't make it wrong necessarily. If someone wants to share their method of getting through their pain that is perfectly valid even if you don't think that would work for you!

Can everyone just calm the hell down, please?

[Vivacia]

I'm not saying we shouldn't be supporting each other. I'm saying that spouting misogynistic, women-shaming nonsense is the opposite of supportive.

[northernpixie]

Getting back to the practicalities of recovery, erazer mentioned on Friday that much of TV and music (and I would add radio drama) is related to infidelity. With me this is often a trigger, has anyone found a way to desensitise ? I try to follow the advice of sticking all the hurtful memories in a box and locking it away, too often dramas are the key that opens it.