support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

[humanmagicmarker]

So good, and reassuring, to hear from someone slightly further down the road. You've made me cry this morning, I realise that we will probably never truly get past this, like you said, he will never be the unblemished person he was before. However, it's good to hear that you can metaphorically put the bad things in a box and close the lid. You still have to walk around with it, but you don't have to open the box very often.

I agree that whilst it is probably unhealthy to dwell on things it is better to talk things through because your imagination produces worst case scenarios sometimes.

(Sorry about the crying bit, rather emotional this morning, have found out in the last 24 hours that 2 people in my life have cancer. takes deep breath, keeps putting one foot in front of the other...)

[worserevived]

babbin this is a support thread, so do me a favour and fuck off with your denial blah. No he doesn't dream of OW. He is ashamed and embarrassed, he doesn't want reminders. Yes I see her face often, I am human. There is no denial here, or lack of authenticity. It takes guts and a lot of reality to get past something so devastating, but it is possible to come out stronger. I am sorry you didn't want to or weren't able to make it work.

[snowflake02]

ChatMan that is a good point. I hadn't meant it like that, but perhaps that is what I subconsciously think. We have 'tried' before, but my husband hadn't accepted his behaviour for what it was and wasn't truly sorry and indeed the abuse continued. I am hoping that this time he really means it and things can move forward. I am no longer prepared to stay stuck in this cycle, I can't keep trying for ever. So if we can't make it work this time then it never will. I do want it work. I want my family to stay together, but not at all costs, so I am being realistic as well as hopeful. I know there are many people on here that would tell me I should be long gone by now and that he doesn't deserve any more chances etc.

[shovetheholly]

Gosh, I fear this thread is doomed and that makes me really sad.

I would make a plea to all the skeptics; this thread is clearly a support thread for people giving the marriage a second go. That is a valid choice. Not everyone is the same, not every relationship is the same, not every situation of betrayal is the same.

Unfortunately, this board is full of people who have been very damaged by chronic, awful behaviour on the part of partners. Naturally, they don't have much trust or good will towards men (and sometimes women!). That is natural and understandable. But this is not the place to voice it. Don't assume that your 'truth' is true for everyone, and that you need to yell down anyone who takes a different approach. Don't assume that people who take a different perspective are 'stupid' or 'naive' and that you need to 'enlighten' them with your pessimistic take on relationships. Some marriages survive infidelity and are even better after it. The world is full of different approaches and takes, and thank goodness for it.

Of course, not all of these marriages will 'make it'. Some posters will be in denial and will gradually work through to a place where they want to leave. But there is no pressure here saying 'stay, stay, stay' - just a different way of dealing with the process of coming to terms with the grief and pain of betrayal. Please, people, let others have just one place where they can have a softer, mutually supportive approach.

[Mum4Fergus]

Hi all - if my situation is not in keeping with the theme of the thread, please do let me know.

Separated from xP (and DF to my/our DS who is 5) in April last year. No-one else involved, Id just had enough of our non-relationship. Fast forward to now-he is living in next village and has DS overnight 3 times a week. We've both dated, me more so ... however I believe we are reaching a point where we are both prepared to give it another go. We've both made noted on why we each think things went wrong in first place and plan is to start working through them while trying to maintain status quo for DS. We can meet an afternoon and possibly one evening each week to chat with DS being aware-I don't want him to get his hopes up.

That's about it really...if I'm honest I'm used to life without him but know I also miss life without him-when we were good, we were amazing.

[humanmagicmarker]

Shovetheholly - Hurrah! well said! (but why are we doomed?!)

Mum4Fergus - you are very welcome here. I'm very glad you're looking positively at the future, you've both had time to consider things and realise you can survive on your own, so you're now going into this with your eyes open. Good for you x

[elfycat]

I think there are many issues with continuing a marriage after a really crap bit, and not all of those things are between the couple, or the immediate family (ie their children. Siblings and parents are external forces).

1. Divorce, while difficult, is easier than it has ever been. There is less social stigma associated with it. Some people have 'Oh I can get a divorce' or 'LTB' in the forefront of their brains. We are going against that trend.
   
   
2. Some people have got divorced and they can be challenged by people making a different choice. This is true of all life-style choices so of course it is in this emotive one.
   
   
3. Family and friends, who have your best interests at heart want you not to be in emotional pain and see your marriage as one causing distress. They knew you as a happy singleton and think you'll be better out than in.
   
   
4. Some people have a black and white approach to certain situations. Unfaithfulness is a common one shared by many. You may not pick any other colour or shade because you MUST be sadly wrong.
   
   
5. We here are all going to have a different approaches and levels of success. Some marriages may not survive, others may have a lot of 'compromise' or damage. Some people might be able, in time, to shrug this off and look back at it as part of the growth of their marriage and have no issues at all. Even on this thread, which should be a place of support, we already have differences. We might be challenged by the compromise, failure or success of another and this support could fail. And that would be a shame.
   
   There was a thread about 'What happened to XXX in a previous thread'. Someone asked about me, from my AIBU. I replied that we had muddled through the festive season and are trying to reconnect. Someone else came on and seemed sad for me, that I had stayed. What's that about?
   
   Mum4Fergus I don't think the time lapse should make any difference

[brontolo]

Again, I'm so pleased this thread was created.

I have so many worries about the future. I am worried that I am not feeling the level of hurt I was. I expect there to be lots of up and downs, but it feels odd and perplexing that I'm on quite an up this week. Surely I should still be wallowing? Why am I able to be mainly positive about our future? I spent the first few weeks feeling (or being) physically sick at the thought of him with her. I have ranted and screamed and cried over and over again. I don't think I have any more of that in me. Is that OK?

i feel my family are supportive, but not where I am. They seem to only be able to see the negative and to be honest, they are adding to the stress now. How can I keep positive and thinking about making things better if they are sort of dragging me down?

I also worry that I've reacted to this differently than I ever thought I would. My dad cheated on my mum and left her for the OW when i was 16. I have never properly forgiven him. I didn't talk to him for a year and it took years to re-build any kind of relationship at all. Why don't I feel like that with OH? Is there a chance I'm brushing stuff under the carpet? it doesn't feel like I am - we are talking lots, I have been very honest and vocal, OH has been honest and open and supportive - so i do feel we are dealing with things, not ignoring them.

Gah, it's so hard. If anyone thinks that staying to try and work things out is the easy option, they couldn't be more wrong.

[humanmagicmarker]

Absolutely Brontolo, it's difficult dealing with the 'or worse' part of the marriage vows, isn't it? I never thought I'd be here, but I'm determined to try because despite it all I love him as much as I did 9 years ago.

You're allowed to feel however you feel, don't fight it. Get that book I mentioned in an earlier post, it goes through things in seven stages, from the shock of realisation that something has gone wrong to a point of trust (haven't got there myself yet...) and it doesn't patronise or tell you what you should be doing. Doesn't read like an American Evangelist either, as a lot of these self help things do - my sister reads those all the time. Ech.

[IrianofWay]

Hello everyone. I am a veteran of this stuff. DH (I have added the D back again now) had a 6m affair that ended in June 2012 with one of the TAs in his class. He kept telling me about all these 'ridiculous' rumours going round the school about him and other woman - I sympathised to start with and beleived that that is all they were. Until he mentioned them again and I began to wonder. I checked his phone (first time in our relationship) and there were some very loving messages between them (not sexual). I challenged him and he told me he was supporting her because she was having a hard time in her marriage. Yes...I Know - part of the script!
We had about 24 hours of minimising and gas-lighting, that night he told me he wasn't sure he wanted to stay with me and I woke up the next day thinking my marriage was over. He came home from school, apologised, told he wasn't going anywhere. I was very confused but relieved more than anything at that point.

The following evening I told him I needed some facts - and he told me he loved her but when I asked him if he wanted to be with her he said no, that he had ended it with her and he would so anything he could to fix things.

Problem is 'fixing things' isn't as simple as just wanting them fixed. And how the hell do you know the way to do it. It was new territory for us both. It's been so so so hard. Unbeleivably painful and frightening. Until recently I still had doubts - there was one question he had never really
answered for me - so just before christmas I asked it and got the last little bit of understanding I needed. It is good now, really good. He is my safe place again now - something he hadn't been for years. When we are together I feel that sense of warmth and security I need. I am at peace.

BUT..... it isn't for the faint-hearted. You need to be totally open with each other, the unfaithful partner has to be prepared to be shouted at, to explain the same thing again and again and again, to retell the same bit of the storuy again and again and again, to be understanding about the anger coming their way. They also had to be honsest, genuinely remorseful and really want to save their marriage. I would be in tears in a heap on the kitchen floor and when DH came to try and hold me I screamed at him to fuck off, get out, go back to the bitch!! I acted totally out of character - but so had he. They will need ultimate patience, resilience and determination.

The betrayed partner has to be honest about their feelings but not unfair. And at some point, when the worst of the shock has passed, to be able to acknowledge that if there were problems pre-affair, that both of you need to contribute to fixing them. We made so many mistakes in our marriage - none of them out of deliberate malice, just lack of experience and understanding. Life chucked a lot of crap our way over the years and our relationship eventually was just running on autopilot.

I wouldn't advise it to those who don't feel they have much more to lose than to gain. I feel like I have aged 10 years TBH.

[humanmagicmarker]

A very reassuring post, IrianofWay, thank you xx

[brontolo]

Humanmagicmarker - thinking about our wedding and our vows is so upsetting. I cannot get to grips with how he could just cast that (and our 17 year relationship) aside for something as pointless and meaningless as this hideous affair. But I can still see the man I married, the man he has been for most of our marriage, and very importantly the man he wants to be again. I haven't seen that in him for 1-2 years, but we've both been too busy to focus on it. I guess I thought it was just life and that we'd get better at some point. Unfortunately his reaction was to run away and make very bad decisions.

Irianofway - thanks for your insights. It's very reassuring - even hearing firsthand how hard it has been is massively helpful.

[worserevived]

Oh good. Thank you to those who have turned this thread around again in a positive way without resorting to my childish tantrum! Honestly though, I and so sick of the evangelistic 'you can't possibly make it work unless you are weak, deluded, abused, in denial.... and even then he'll do it again, because once a cheat always a cheat' crowd wading in. Yes, some people have been badly burned, and have had their partner cheat again, but you know what, that isn't the way for many of us. Many many marriages survive, and grow stronger, but you don't often hear about them as people like me keep their mouths shut to avoid negative comments from those who believe they know better.

Irian I like you post and can identify with much of it.

[IrianofWay]

People advise LTB usually because they genuinely think it is the right thing to do. 'Once a cheat always a cheat' is almost certainly true for many people - for example those who seem to do it easily and casually quite early in a relationship. Every case had to be weighed in the scales by the people in it - those outside of it can offer advice and opinions but in the end that is all it is, they can't make you do anything. So take the helpful stuff and leave the rest - but bear in mind that people who have BTDT do have experiences that may bear on your situation and may be helpful.

I do know what you mean though about MN (and many other relationship forums). They want to apply a one-size-fits-all method. And yes it hurts to be called weak, co-dependents, lacking in self-respect, particularly when you have already been cheated on and are feeling so worthless already. It made me run screaming from MN soon after dday - I felt that a lot of people were like the Romans watching people being thrown to the lions - the more misery, the more drama, the more apocalyptic anecdotes, the better. But many many people were supportive and offered good advice and hands to hold.

[MaMaof04]

Dear all- I am happy that there is a positive thread in this section. It is easier to destroy than to build.
I must admit that as at now my cheating H and I are living in the same house in a sexless marriage. We are both co-parenting and co-habiting. I would not care now if he has sex with any other woman because it is something I do not fancy having with him. He does not want to be involved with anyone else- but with me. (He is willing to babysit the boys so that I go on some dates if I want it; and this despite his huge amount of work; no I am not interested in that; no energy for this). At the start I was calling him anytime I fancied telling him off or getting info- and he skipped work to stay with me and listen to me. Still I do not talk about the affair anymore. Now I cannot talk to him too much about the affair: he is willing to listen to me. It is just that he is so hurt and ashamed by what he did that I do have some pity/compassion for him. He agrees that all his behavior was ugly. He never tries to justify himself. He is disgusted by himself. But he cannot do anything to change it. So there is nothing to say anymore about this whole affair. It has separated us- at least on my side. I feel I am not willing to be fully with him. Problem of trust? No even not. Other problems: yes. You see I was never that attracted physically by him. I loved his high principles, courage and self-abnegation. He did show some of these principles in his affair. But he was dishonest for too long (the affair stayed longer than planned because the affair resulted in a child and even long after he stopped the affair he remained in contact because of the child- he is a super dad). However he did not find the courage to disclose all the affair to me until the child was close to her sixth birthday (in August 2013). Also the way he thinks he can fix problems on himself and that this should not impact on me- disturbs me a lot. He is changing. Still....He can easily find some other woman (he is a nice fellow- very clever- very gentle- very charming to many women) and I wish he would try to do so. I am OK to continue being with him in the same house without sex as same members of the same family . He is happy by this arrangement. He said that any small space we give him in the family house is OK with him (do not worry: we do not make him feel bad or diminished. The kids love him. He got as much space as he wants. I cook what he likes. etc etc). His only red line is the little daughter: he wants to keep contact with her, to make her feel loved by her dad etc etc. A good guy- as I said before. A good dad. He felt prey to the OW when he was far away from us (different countries), for too many long stretches of time along two years ; (for his job- I could not join him because my 4 kids needed me a lot at that time and it would have been detrimental for the elders' studies and the little ones' development had we moved to be closer to him.) It is quite sad, but I do not feel like having physical contacts with him. However I wish I would have been able to go above these feelings.
I am happy by such thread as I said especially that there is this wide-spread belief that you must label 'bastard' any man that strayed and ditch him on the spot. This must be broken. Especially when they are kids involved. We all make mistakes. Recovery is possible after cheating. Hard work is needed, but that is life. I do deplore the shaming slur a partner incurs by the society when he/she remains in a relationship with a spouse that cheated on him. It is not that I condone cheating, but again it is just that we all do mistakes. I do not believe that once a cheater always a cheater. Cheating might help some partner getting rid of some not so nice aspect of their psyche and free them to be a better partner. Anyway time is a healer and not only that: time is the best ingredient to a good relationship. Good Luck to all of you on the recovery path. I hope you do succeed and I hope this thread will remain alive. I might write sometimes a post. I hope you will not be upset at me.

[MaMaof04]

Just one more thing: it is true that it is good to try to forgive and mend a relationship after cheating threatened it. However it is equally important that no spouse sells himself/herself cheap for the sake of recovery. Forgive only if the cheating partner has shown true remorse. There is a nice book called ; How to help your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J/ MacDonald that can help a lot guiding into the path of forgiveness. The 'adulterer' (sorry for the strong word) must read it and use its guidelines to show true remorse and improve his behavior. The betrayed spouse can use it as guidelines to check whether the 'adulterer' repentance is sincere and well founded. Good Luck to all! (Please do not stay with bad people just for the sake of forgiveness and recovery).

[BloodontheTracks]

This is a positive outcome of an affair description. There are others but this is possible.
www.huffingtonpost.com/esther-perel/an-affair-to-remember-wha_2_b_694982.html

I've been on on both sides of affairs and I wonder now, long after, if fundamentally the decision is more about whether you really want to be with that person than it is about the details of the infidelity, though they may be a factor in that. It's a real struggle to ever be totally honest with yourself. When I had an affair my partner fought very hard and manipulated very hard to keep me, but after that adrenaline and the incredible fear of 'losing me' wore off, he had to face the question if after all of that and what it meant , he actually really wanted to be with me. That was years later he only really started to be honest about that. He didn't want me to run off with this other man, but that didn't necessarily mean he wanted to be with me. Equally, I was so guilty and appalled by myself that I assumed completely that I would be lucky for him to consider staying with me and fought really hard for that. But that's not the same as actually wanting to be with someone. It's doing the 'right thing'.

I think the LTB thing happens because some people are very black and white,understandably so. And they think for some reason leaving is 'the right thing'. But that certain view has never worked in my life. I also think there are genuine, nuanced LTb-ers who know how hard it is as a road, and know that fear and adrenaline drive the first year, at least. Most people fear change and pain so they're going to be biased towards staying, and it's sometimes useful to challenge that. but some people are the other way, can't bear betrayal and imperfection, and leave relationships thinking they are destroyed when actually all relationships have really tough challenges, and a new one doesn't solve that. Sometimes the way on is through.

I'm in recovery from my partner cheating now and I wish we talked about it more. It gets sad when we do. It helps weirdly that I know what it's like to be the one who strays. I know that the cheating is not centrally about hate or hurting, even though that happens. He wanted to draw a line and start fresh and I believe (because of the type of guy he is) that is what he's done. He's clear and faithful now. But I wish we could actually reinvent ourselves totally from it, rather than just go back to what it was like before. I secretly do wish it was new, not broken. I wish talking through everything revealed some great, obvious truth about staying together or breaking up. I don't feel anger or fury anymore, or shame, I feel sad that we weren't the couple I thought we were, and I remember my ex saying that exact same thing to me and so that makes me doubt love more than anything, which is horrible.

[northernpixie]

Our marriage is in recovery - don’t know if it will ever be 100% recovered.

After 25+ years my DW had an affair. For the first year I was in denial (resulting in depression), the bombshell of finding out was followed by 6 months of "I don’t want to leave you and DC but I won't stop seeing him, I will leave you and DC, I won't leave yet, I have deferred my decision, I won't leave but I will keep shagging him, I will stop soon", then 3 months when they probably weren’t shagging, then 6-9 months when they were behind my back. Over the next 12 months the contact decreased from daily to weekly then more-or-less NC (which I suppose isn’t NC). The OM has said he "will wait until your situation changes (I die?)" and sends the occasional message that he loves her, misses her etc. He hasn’t fared so well, his DW chucked him straight out and as far as I know he is in a 1 bed flat.

I am not sure how we recovered, my wife is truly sorry for the hurt she has caused and says she is embarrassed and ashamed by it all. She says that "it just seemed to happen and she went along with it, I didn’t think anyone would get hurt", how wrong could she have been, it was a disaster with many people hurt. We got off lightly, not many at our end knew, so to most we are still the perfect couple. I don’t know how I got through it, at the time I had to protect a DC leading up to important exams. I was determined not to "go ballistic" but sometimes feel that I paid a price for staying in control. 12 months further on and all is calm on the surface but I am still troubled. The affair comes to the forefront of my mind many times a day (8 - 20). Its not as distressing now and sometimes its just a passing thought. Sometimes I dream about it, very unpleasant dreams. My DW says she hardly ever thinks about it and I think about the OM far more than she ever did. Another thing is that if there is a problem I have to confront I start worrying about the past, a sort of displacement worry, it then takes me time to recognise and work through it.

But we are getting through it, I am more open now and we are closer but in no way would I say its better than before. I still trust my DW 100%, but I always did and I recognise that trusting someone doesn’t make them trustworthy. I still dont know why it happened, my DW says she doesn’t know why (perhaps the OM knows, he has done it before), come to think of it there is a lot she doesn’t know or cant remember.

On the plus side, I am still married to the woman I love and the family is united so it has been worth it, but it has been almost unbearably hard with the remaining hurt of betrayal.

[BloodontheTracks]

It's sad she says she doesn't know why. The best clue is in her description of 'going along with it'. It may be she's a people pleaser and when the OM made it clear he was attracted to her, she wanted to please him. Or it may be she's weak in the face of someone else's desire because she is essentially vain or has low self-esteem. None of these are excuses, but she needs to outline why, even to herself, otherwise she won't know which of her faults to address in the long term.

[FoolishFay]

I found that article from the Huff really useful and rather encouraging. We haven't had therapy but we seem to be pretty much progressing as the author describes.

After my DH's breakdown and affair in 2013, I have found that I like myself better, as I have grown in confidence in our relationship as we have reconciled. I like the idea of partial forgiveness - that's where I am right now. And it's all pretty much ok and getting better.

Thank you for this thread. I often feel I've let the side of womanhood down and it's nice to talk to others who are / have been in a similar situation.

[northernpixie]

BloodontheTracks

Definitely "people pleaser", he had also been her boss at work. I think we should understand why, but difficult if DW says she doesn’t know and now maintains that there had been nothing wrong, it wasn’t something she was looking for or expecting. In the dark days she did once say "there must have been something wrong or else I wouldn’t have done it" which wasn’t much help to me because there was never any indication what.

OP

A great thread, good to hear from others on the same path.

[MaMaof04]

Northernpixie:
She says that "it just seemed to happen and she went along with it, I didn’t think anyone would get hurt", that reminds me of my husband.
(My case is tougher: a child resulted from the affair...)
is your wife the kind of people that compartmentalize their feelings/behaviors? It might be why she does not think anymore about the OM and does not remember much about the affair- It was just a little meaningless parenthesis in her life.
You know I was never able to understand people who just let their subconscious leads their life and who do not bother asking questions about their behaviors or who do not seem to grasp the impact of their actions on others around them. They are called the impulsive kind. Is she impulsive? do you think also that the OM needed help and she was willing to provide him some kind of help?
You know I did not use to like Alice Munroe novels. All her characters act that way often. They just get up one day and act upon some mysterious whim- we readers might guess its connection to some unresolved issue- not always though. Anyway after my husband disclosed his cheating I developed some kind of feelings for these people. My H is one of them: he says that I am more attractive than the OW, sex with me is better, he was not that attracted by her- but I was so far away and she was going through such rough times and he thought it would last only a couple of days anyway and on an impulse gave away to her insisting requests that he has sex with her without any protection (her clock was ticking- she was close to her 40s and he thought that she would not become pregnant so why not...But Bingo on unprotected sex session and she was pregnant...)
He thought he was in control but she knew how to build a web of lies and problems that would challenge him, ensnarl him and he ended fathering her child....He can't explain his behavior. In fact after the disclosure he told me that I am in a much better position than her- because he loves me, always told her so and is 100 committed to me and he stopped having any sexual/physical contact with her despite her advances, and despite the fact that I did not know about it etc etc In fact she believed that he will stay with her for ever because of the child- without disclosing anything to me- their sweet secrete.
But I was chocked to hear him comparing my state of happiness to hers: he was not free to care about her happiness in relationship! Do you feel the same. I will tell you something I am ashamed of: your OM is now in a very bad situation. It is some kind of karma. In my case the affair gave the OW an identity: she is the single mum of a very very clever kid and she raises her as she pleases. Thanks to the child she stroke a good relationship with another woman who was abandoned by her dad as a child and co-habits with her. This woman and her family help her a lot. So from no life no identity she got a new life and an identity thanks to my H. (Well she lives in deceit and lies: she is not telling anyone that he is a married father of 4- BTW I know her- she met me and the kids before the affair- and I have seen the e-mails between them: she knew who he was.)
He was sure that he was not taking anything away from me by being with her: I was far away for sex- and in respect of love his heart is fully mine.
Now about the OC? Well he loved her and he wanted her to be mine as well! In fact he wanted this child to be fully integrated in our family life (I am the only mum of all his kids????!!)
Now he is learning to see what being connected and close and committed to someone means. But he is one of these strange people who give in their impulses and who compartmentalize. He does not remember much of this affair. He does remember that she was the one that started the physical affair and that it was harder and harder for him to have any sexual or physical contact with her because he loved me. (The affair stopped back at the start of 2010 and the disclosure came in August 2014- the baby was born in 2009.) He knows that he wondered a lot why he is in bed with her when he was not that attracted to her. He says that at the start it was 'fun'- just a little adventure that does not take anything from me that I would not know about...He is ashamed of such thoughts now. He says that he fully loved/still love me - had and has nothing to reproach me- always loved and still love my looks - feel very good when I am around- admire my commitments to my friends- relatives duties etc . She needed help - he helped- she offered sex- he took it- she became pregnant: he did not want to run away from his responsibility (even if he asked her to abort and she refused). It is like if he was without will- he just let himself be caught in the process- It is funny because he can show a strong will (nice and impulsive but strong). It was because his love for me made him feel emotionally safe from her and his load of work (he worked hard like mad at that time) prevented him from thinking clearly...
I do not pity the OW even if she is ashamed about her single mum status (terrible in her milieu) and is lying to everybody about the marital status of her kid's father. Moreover as I said before the child is a ticket for her to have a social life and identity. She got this child by deceit and is raising her in deceit. She does not allow anymore my H to meet her so as to prevent from the child to know his true identity and to meet us his original family. The victims in this affair are the child (innocent) and my husband (he brought it upon himself- but we all make mistake and he is paying a very high price.) It is not easy for me but I refuse to be a victim. My kids are OK as well. As you said there are difficult times. But I am OK. Quite happy and content in fact. A bit worried about the future but we shall see. As I told above we are in a sexless marriage. I am OK with it. A bit difficult: I do feel compassion for him. But....Anyway: I am happy you are recovering from the affair. Good Luck!

[northernpixie]

MaMaof04

My DW doesn’t compartmentalise generally (but did to a certain amount the affair) and is not usually impulsive. The OM though did read from the "script", he told her he was unhappy, his marriage was dead, only stayed for his DC even though he hated his home life, I talked to his wife, she had no idea things were that bad. My wife just has no answer (she is willing to share with me) to the question "why did you have an affair ?" , at the time it wasn’t a meaningless parenthesis it was everything, more important than her husband, children and parents. She said she initially thought that the affair would run its course and "fizzle out", everything would go back normal, but things got out of hand. The OM even proposed to her, he said "if you leave your DH then I will leave my DW" which I thought was odd, no mention about the DC on both sides. I suppose I was very lucky, if he had had the decency to leave his DW and DC regardless then I think our marriage would have collapsed, she would have joined him, but he didn’t, but if he was a decent person he wouldn’t have had a series of affairs.

It sounds like you have had a very tough time, I am glad you have come through it as well.

[Mum4Fergus]

Spoke briefly to xp this evening (this in itself is new territory for me as he is a serial texter!)...we are meeting for lunch tomorrow, just us, no DS. We'll have 3 or so hours...meeting away from house on neutral territory - just to talk about 'us'. I want to feel even just a little bit excited about the prospect, but I can't/don't. I don't know what I feel...

[dreamingofblueskies]

Another one here in the process of trying to work things out. It has been 6 months since I found out about my husband's 'sexting' and it is still bloody hard work, I think we have turned a corner in the last few days though.

After I found out about it he had an almost breakdown and after therapy he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which complicated matters further, but I suppose also offered a reason as to why he had done it, as I can honestly say there was no problems in our marriage before this, even after 10 sessions of relationship counselling I still think this.

It is good to hear from other people in the same boat, glad to know I'm not the only 'trusting mug' who hasn't LTB!