support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

[wundawoman]

I am like you nowitsenough; in that my marriage has been stagnant and problematic for many years (no affairs), and we also have a teenage dd with her own set of demands and issues. Spending time as a couple is not easy when there is constantly 3 of us at home.

About a month ago I had 'the talk' with dh and I said he seemed to be constantly unhappy and distant, did he want to separate? I did not want to continue the relationship as it was. He said he wanted us to stay together. I asked if would go to counselling to try and improve our relationship and to my complete surprise he agreed.

We have had 4 sessions so far and the counsellor has been amazing. I'm not saying she has the cure for a problem marriage but it has allowed me to have a voice and to be heard without being dismissed or minimized. This has been so important to me. Dh has been really making an effort to improve things from his side, and taken on issues raised during counselling sessions. This, from a man who would never admit he was wrong or had a problem previously...

The counsellor stressed to us the importance of couple time and adult fun. She suggested we arrange 'dates' ; be a romantic couple again.

However I think it will take a long time to repair our relationship. While part of me wants to make a go of it, part of me wonders if it's too late; do I want to stay in this relationship? At the moment i cannot say for sure which way I want to go....

Good luck everyone!

[MaMaof04]

Northern
Maybe just maybe you should allow the hurtful memories to surface - Maybe more we fight against them more we empower them - and instead of locking them back in a box maybe you can try to unlock other boxes and fill them with nice little things: a ray of the sun, beautiful flowers, watching leaves in the wind, the ever changing sky, a good cup of coffee/tea, the talk with a friend (I found that even a friendly talk with a neighbor helps a lot), listening to new songs/ opening up to new trends of music, watching cats stretching, a new sport (I used to do only yoga now I am into Zumba- Mix dance etc as well and I love it- I used to count the seconds before my lessons ended- now I want the lessons to last a bit more), reading books. I must say that the books I purposefully choose are rather fidelity-related and they help me because the novels (the ones I choose anyway) are nice well-ordered novels so it does help sooth my pain. I do try to have compassion for people I did not use to like very much. I try to use my pain to open up my heart and my mind to the world around. I must admit that I cannot yet listen to classical music and to the songs and music I used to like- I cannot yet watch TV - neither drama not news. They were the cosy background of the warm and familiar relationship I lost and they bring up in me too much hurtful memories. Maybe it is not wise the way I run away from the pain. (Remark: I must admit that like many people on this site I was not that interested in the world of affairs until he made me part of it, so the fidelity-related books were absent from my shelves. They are a new feature of my world. It is like I am in a new world...) Live your day and reclaim it to the bones (whether it was a difficult one or a good one.)

[brontolo]

I think what this thread shows so far is the high variety of thoughts, feelings, approaches, beliefs there are towards a marriage in crisis.

MaMaof04 I cannot agree AT ALL with your reference to women having to save / make excuses for the poor menfolk and I don't think that's helpful at all. I'm somewhat aghast that that belief still exists, though I will respect it if it's where you are. It's miles from where I am though. I'm working through this for my sake and the sake of my relationship. The thought of being a downtrodden woman who has to deal with and accept the primitive urges of men? No thanks. I am a strong, moral woman who is looking to understand the hugely bad decisions my husband made and why he made them. That may result in us building a better future together or it may not.

Anyway. I'm having a shit morning. Feeling horribly irrational and low about pretty much everything. Meh.

[IrianofWay]

vivacia - I think that it is best to assume that women on here who have decided to try and reconcile after infidelity are doing so as grown adults who are able to make up their own minds, and who are in possession of more of the facts than people who want to advise them. The fact that they may decide otherwise at a later date and that other women do differently doesn't maket them wrong to try at least. The problem for me is when women feel obliged to stay when it isn't in their best interests - but in the end the person who can decide what is or isn't in their best interests is themselves.

[IrianofWay]

I think the only way to decide whether to stay or go is to be rationally analytical. And this can't be done on dday or even soon after.

1. What do I want to happen - do I want to stay married to this person - regardless of what they want?
   
2. If so what are my conditions for doing so - end affair, go NC etc?
   
3. Is there any chance that he/she is going to be prepared to do what is needed? If not, end it now - it will be less painful.
   
4. I reserve my right to change my mind - nothing is set in stone.

[MaMaof04]

Brontolo, I am sorry you are having a shit morning!
Just allow me to tell you that I am not a downtrodden or an immoral woman. I do not need a relationship to feel striving. I am a very strong woman, with very good friends, and excellent job -prospects if I wanted to go out and have a job (it is just that I chose a while ago to devote my skills to raise my kids, the little ones have some difficulties); my job domain is usually male-dominated but men have always been nice to me and did admire and bowed to my expertise. (I made enough monies to be independent- besides all our monies are common and he is willing to let me decide about our finances even if I decide that I want to split).
I have nothing to prove anymore to anyone. I am happy to indulge in behavior that might seem outdated as long as I am totally connected to it 'even if it looks as if it is more beneficial to him than to me'.
No I do not make excuses for men's behaviors. However I try to explain my H's betrayal the same way as I try to explain the behavior of women who strayed. BTW for every man who has/had (an) affair/s there is at least one woman that engaged with him in this wrong behavior (and despite some of us not liking it, multiple anecdotes are out here to show that there are women who are attracted by happy married fathers and do everything they can to make them fail their vows.) And you know what: I do even try to explain the OW behavior. Explaining does not mean excusing. It means: 1- seeing the human side of the other, and ,how to say it?, keeping your heart soft/open to others (we all make mistakes) and 2- trying to put a finger on the reasons behind his/her behavior because that is the only way we can help him/her overcome any future temptation.
Anyway about the new world becoming a huge field that bring out the most primitive urges in men: I tend to think that it also brings out the most primitive urges in women as well- and it also bring noble thinking as well. When I wrote my previous post, I was thinking about my H but my thought applies to all people who have fallen/indulged in affairs, because their jobs created 'opportunities'. Whether we want it or not the new world create more fidelity- pitfalls to people in relationships. And yes I do love men- not all but the ones striving to behave according to higher principles despite their 'unthinkable' urges/appetite (how can they be aroused by someone whom they do not feel close to? how could they have had sex with an OW when they still claim/feel(?) that they always and still do fully love their partner? ) But hey I am more and more accepting that there are behaviors and things that I can never understand and that might remain in the 'unthinkable' domain for me. This acceptance helps me dealing with the swirls of bad/hurtful feelings that submerge me every so often and that come out of nowhere; it does not make me weaker and it does not imply that I encourage the betrayer to repeat his/her 'unthinkable' behavior...Good Luck to all of us!

[MaMaof04]

Brontolo, I am sorry you are having a shit morning!
Just allow me to tell you that I am not a downtrodden or an immoral woman. I do not need a relationship to feel striving. I am a very strong woman, with very good friends, and excellent job -prospects if I wanted to go out and have a job (it is just that I chose a while ago to devote my skills to raise my kids, the little ones have some difficulties); my job domain is usually male-dominated but men have always been nice to me and did admire and bowed to my expertise. (I made enough monies to be independent- besides, all our monies are joint-monies and he is willing to let me decide about our finances even if I decide that I want to split).
I have nothing to prove anymore to anyone. I am happy to indulge in behavior that might seem outdated as long as I am totally connected to it 'even if it looks as if it is more beneficial to him than to me'.
No I do not make excuses for men's behaviors. However I try to explain my H's betrayal the same way as I try to explain the behavior of women who strayed. BTW for every man who has/had (an) affair/s there is at least one woman that engaged with him in this wrong behavior (and despite some of us not liking it, multiple anecdotes are out here to show that there are women who are attracted by happy married fathers and do everything they can to make them fail their vows.) And you know what: I do even try to explain the OW behavior. Explaining does not mean excusing. It means: 1- seeing the human side of the other, and ,how to say it?, keeping your heart soft/open to others (we all make mistakes) and 2- trying to put a finger on the reasons behind his/her behavior because that is the only way we can help him/her overcome any future temptation.
Anyway about the new world becoming a huge field that bring out the most primitive urges in men: I tend to think that it also brings out the most primitive urges in women as well- and it also bring noble thinking as well. When I wrote my previous post, I was thinking about my H but my thought applies to all people who have fallen/indulged in affairs, because their jobs created 'opportunities'. Whether we want it or not the new world create more fidelity- pitfalls to people in relationships. And yes I do love men- not all but the ones striving to behave according to higher principles despite their 'unthinkable' urges/appetite (how can they be aroused by someone whom they do not feel close to? how could they have had sex with an OW when they still claim/feel(?) that they always and still do fully love their partner? ) But hey I am more and more accepting that there are behaviors and things that I can never understand and that might remain in the 'unthinkable' domain for me. This acceptance helps me dealing with the swirls of bad/hurtful feelings that submerge me every so often and that come out of nowhere; it does not make me weaker and it does not imply that I encourage the betrayer to repeat his/her 'unthinkable' behavior...Good Luck to all of us!

[erazer]

Brontolo
I hope by our day improved. Mine was okish until I found an ashtray this afternoon. Neither of us smoke. It was last used by the OW. I could have been sick. Took me straight back. It was used last year when I invited OW to a BBQ. I did not know of course that they were having an affair at that time. Can't get it out of my head now. I hate this.

[IrianofWay]

"It was used last year when I invited OW to a BBQ. I did not know of course that they were having an affair at that time"

That happened to me too erazer. It was DH's 50th and we had a big BBQ - OW came She was the centre of attention as she was in the process of trying to leave her 'abusive' H at the time and everyone was offering advice and support.....hell, I even gave her a hug and offered her a bed for the night Sickening.

[erazer]

I felt sorry for OW as she was on her own, what a mug.
Iriano it is sickening. I can still see them talking to each other. I was just too trusting, but never had any reason not to be before.
Have been thinking I was making progress, but then bang more reminders.

[erazer]

Think the sleep fairy forgot to call again.

[Vivacia]

That "delayed disappointment" feeling seems very common, and seems to replace the initial adrenaline-fuelled periods of the shock of finding out, hysterical bonding etc.
You've fought for your marriage, won your man, and then what..? A few months later you're plagued by memories and intrusive thoughts. You can't discuss them because you feel as though you have to move on, it's not fair to dredge up the past and to be honest you don't know if you have the strength anyway.

I think that this when some make the decision to separate.

[brontolo]

I agree mainly vivacia. But I think there's an opportunity to face the delayed disappointment and not be scared to talk about it, even if it means dredging it all back up again. That's where I seem to be and it's hideous and painful - feels like it's all hit me again and it's difficult if not impossible to see a way forward. But I'm talking to my husband, letting him see and feel my hurt. Will it help? I don't know. It feels awful at the moment.

[brontolo]

Sleep fairy didn't stay long with me either erazer. Hope you're ok.

[JonesTheSteam]

Just wanting to post my story.

I'm a year on from discovering my husband's affair with a colleague.

I know exactly where you're coming from brontolo. I remember about six months in feeling listless and empty, that there was no point to it all, I wasn't even sure I wanted to stay together some days. Other days I'd think of a question, or I'd suddenly be filled with anger and I'd scream and shout or the pain would hit me again and I'd sob so much I didn't think it would stop and it would almost feel like I was back at the beginning,.

A year on, sometimes questions still pop into my head but I know if I ask them DH will do his damnedest to answer them honestly, even if I've asked them before.

Yes, he'd rather move on as having to face up to what he did isn't easy and he feels ashamed and angry with himself and hates seeing me upset. But he doesn't run away from it and does his best to be there for me and comfort me if I want him too.

A year on I don't feel raw pain talking about it. I still feel sad, but there's also a calmness there. Maybe that's acceptance. It's definitely not forgiveness yet.

Our relationship is much stronger, more open and honest, and DH has changed drastically from the miserable, stressed, callous person he became during the affair and also from the closed-off person who bottled everything up that he was previously. He's like the man I married but an even better version now.

I feel happier than in have in years. So does DH. Our relationship is stronger. Sometimes I feel sad that we had to go through this to get here, but I'm glad we're here in other ways.

I'm only a year on so I don't claim to be an expert at all.

[brontolo]

JonesTheSteam Thank you for sharing your experience. The hopeful part of me really wants to get to where you are, and there have been times I think it could be possible. Our relationship is much stronger, more open and honest, and DH has changed drastically from the miserable, stressed, callous person he became during the affair and also from the closed-off person who bottled everything up that he was previously. He's like the man I married but an even better version now really resonates with me. Even over the last month, it's like a cloud has lifted and I'm able to see the man I fell in love with and was with for 15 years before he went down this awful, dark road.

I just don't know how to get past the dark road. And I suspect it's only time that might help which feels so long and so hard at the moment. OH is seeing a therapist weekly - 1st proper appointment is tomorrow - so I know I need to see what comes from that. Although I equally don't want to pin too much hope on that being a magic solution, as I doubt it will be.

I need to try and be more positive today. I feel so exhausted by it all.

[Vivacia]

I think talking about it is all you can, and definitely should, do. If he's genuine, he'll react like Jones' husband.

[JonesTheSteam]

I think 'Time is a healer' is a cliche for a reason.

I think about four months is when I started seeing the man I married again.

I think it's also when it hit him just how much he loved me. He says it was like coming out of a fog. Initially he still had feelings for her, and missed the contact with her and that even though he was trying to face up to what he'd done to us, he was still hiding from it in some ways. The 'date nights' helped. He said he fell in love with me all over again. When the fog lifted things did just get better initially.

Then I when I had days when I felt I couldn't go on, I talked to him about it. It made him feel sad and ashamed but he knew he had to deal with it, and he did.

Don't get me wrong. I still have wobbly moments. Reading a lot of the threads on here doesn't help. All the once a cheat always a cheat generalisations that get bandied around etc.

Neither is reading that anyone who stays with a partner who has cheated has no self esteem, self respect, is weak etc.

It hurts hugely to read that, even if you know it isn't true. Sometimes I feel like I've let all of womanhood down by staying.

I've come to the conclusion that only I know the real truth of my marriage and how my relationship, and while it is helpful to read stuff on here sometimes, in the end I have to do what I want.

[humanmagicmarker]

I feel very low 7 months in, too. Only thing is I feel like I have to keep it inside because DH's mum has just been diagnosed with breast cancer for a second time and another very good friend of ours has just been told he has testicular cancer. We have a lot on our plates already and I feel like I dont want to rock the boat, or worse, send him back to her (he sees her at work every day). Feel like I'm going to explode at the moment...

[erazer]

Brontolo
I am OK thanks. My head will not stop sometimes. It is exhausting and so sad.
Jones It is good to hear from someone further along this road. I am hoping I can get to your stage. There are signs, but then it does not take much to be back to square one.
Have not gone to my Spanish class due to so little sleep and my get up and go has got up and gone.
I now try to start every day thinking positive. It's a new day, so new start. It does help sometimes. We can't change the past but we can change the future. Hope everyone has a gentle day.

[brontolo]

and required all round today it seems. Hope everyone's days are ok.

[tain]

Brontolo keep talking, it does help. This is where we went wrong I was not allowed to, I got accused of dragging it all up again. So damaging to put it in a box.

[JonesTheSteam]

human

I don't think you should be keeping it in.

Obviously DH needs your support at the moment but it's a two-way street and he should still be supporting you if you are feeling low about stuff.

[erazer]

Thanks for the cuppa and cake, was very nice.

[tain]

Human don't keep it in, you can still talk to him.