support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

Really struggling today, although not been doing too bad the last week to be honest. Still have flashes and horrible thoughts about them cheating. After my husband and I talked last week, things changed for the better, I could see a little light. Today listening to music and back feeling down. I find that most TV and music is related to infidelity, or is that just me. It's hard, but I wiii pick myself up again.Hope you are all having a better day.

Hi there, so glad to find this thread.
I am 16 months on from finding out about my husband's year long affair, with a work colleague who lives abroad. Started as emotional affair, leading to proper affair.
We have decided to try and give our marriage another chance, though it has been a hard and painful journey. He has been remorseful, ashamed and thoughtful... all the right things, and our relationship is probably more open and honest now. Though I thought we were happy and settled in our lovely family before it happened, so maybe am no longer a good judge of character!!
It has been a long journey, and I feel emotionally exhausted I think... maybe even a bit flat now things are settling down....I think I have read about this phase of recovery. Has anyone else experienced that flat feeling? Maybe I am depressed, I am certainly still stunned and angry, though we have many happy days. It is such a long and painful process -I just wish it had never happened

eraser... know what you mean about everything seeming to relate to infidelity. I remember that feeling very well. Also find OW's name seems to crop up everywhere and makes me want to spit! It's not easy, but does get easier.

MumofFergus:
How was the meeting yesterday?
Erazer: it comes and go...we can hope that with the time it comes less often and goes more quickly. Maybe by building more positive shared activities ('doing nothing' and enjoying it as resting together in the same living room is absolutely a positive activity for me) it will remain just a faint memory in an otherwise rich and common life.
Good Luck to all of you in this boat (OK the boat is now in a tempestuous sea and is cracking open here and there, but being together inside it and working together to mend it and make it sail to better lands is worth all the efforts...)! Have a pleasant week end all of you!

MumofFergus:
How was the meeting yesterday?
Erazer: it comes and go...we can hope that with the time it comes less often and goes more quickly. Maybe by building more positive shared activities ('doing nothing' and enjoying it as resting together in the same living room is absolutely a positive activity for me) it will remain just a faint memory in an otherwise rich and common life.
Good Luck to all of you in this boat (OK the boat is now in a tempestuous sea and is cracking open here and there, but being together inside it and working together to mend it and make it sail to better lands is worth all the efforts...)! Have a pleasant week end all of you!

Eraser, I'm struggling too today, in fact I have been all week. I'm putting on the 'brave face' but it gets very hard to maintain sometimes! That's why I started this thread, I was finding it hard and need a hand to hold from others fighting for their relationship. I find it hard to pretend nothing's wrong particularly in front of my five year old son, but also to my husband, I feel The need to prove I'm getting past this so that he doesn't look at a gloomy wife and get drawn back to her (he still works with her every day, I find that so hard...) I find weekends quite hard, and here we are at Friday night again.

Mamaof04- I think the boat needs an engine, we've got a few recruits now. Maybe a cabin to shelter us from the rain, too xxx

humanmagicmarker Putting on the brave face is tough, but I don't think it does our other halves any harm to see how much we are hurting too. Don't pressurise yourself to be the perfect wife. I did this too, and wore myself out with it. Much more inclined to thin 'Fuck it' these days!
It must be hard if they are working together - really tough on you. My DH has to go overseas for a conference end of February, and she will be there. It's really reopening a lot of old wounds and makes it very difficult to heal as that happens every 6 months. I know that is why I've taken a good few steps back - cos I'm dreading it. I hope you have a lovely positive weekend x

Thanks for the replies, good to know I'm not alone.
Human. A boat with an engine and maybe an island to go to would be good. It is hard to know what to do,
I am glad I felt a bit more optimistic, just hate this feeling. Hope everyone's weekend is better. I have not felt well and not much sleep which is not a good combination.

Dear all!
How are you?
Human
About an engine and a captain to our boat: I was thinking that maybe we need an independent talk forum (or sub-forum to Relationships) titled: We Shall Overcome it or something along these lines. So that the thread does not go lost within the various talks (as important as this one without any doubt.)
How are your relatives doing in their fights against their cancer?

Like RoundinCircle said we cannot and should not put the brave face all the time. I personally told the kids abut the affair - in an age appropriate way. Why? because I talked to people who as children grew in a family where one parent cheated. They all said that the worst was to see one of the parent devastated in big pain and not to know the reason. I read that you and your H went to counseling. Did they advise you not to tell the kids?
We did not go to counseling.
1- We told everything to the elder ones . They are in their 20s- both their friends and themselves were chocked that their rock solid hard worker self- abnegating kind dad who absolutely love me and each of us did that to me- but they are OK now- absolutely OK- they love their dad-they joke with their friends about the affair- they forgave him; they say: we all make mistakes- and told us that we can proceed as we wish- they will continue to love us- just the same.
2- We told the little ones (still little kids- not yet teens) that Dad 'went out with another woman' and that made Mum very sad. They wanted to understand what does that means and we said that he took her to restaurants and hugged her. They did not think that it was terrible- they said so what? he loves me and at the end of the day he is with me, with us! I asked one of them who is in love with the same little girl for about six years now (since they were toddlers): what and how would it feel if he were to go out hugging and kissing another girl? And he straight away understood that Dad did not behave himself and that it is OK if I am upset. His brother was just interested in one thing: will I always love them the same even if I am upset against dad. When I reassured him, he was OK with me being upset. When anger fills me and I have a go at my H and the kids just hear my loud voice but not the words, they straight come to the room where we are and:
1- the one-in love orders me to stop having a go at Dad (their Dad looks so contrite so sad that our kids feel the need to protect him from my angry outbursts- I have less and less angry outbursts by the way- I see him more and more as a victim of the affair.)
2- the other one wants to know what exactly have I been telling to Dad (he wants to be sure that I am not leaving them.)
Anyway I think that our honesty with the kids is paying off- I can have outbursts- switch off at week-end from him and isolate myself in a book/walk/MN and the kids accept that and are not anxious at all. They can face my outbursts and my shutting down. When they see that I am sad and I take my time off the family, they come to hug me and say to me ah you are again thinking about that.
Honesty is important. (IN my case it is not yet full honesty- the little ones do not know yet about the OC. We are waiting to see how things evolve as the OW refuse all contacts with him now. But we will eventually tell them about her and explain why we delayed telling them about her. He wanted to tell them everything since DD and he wanted even to oblige the OW to let them meet the little one and play with her. He now understands why this is not the best to the OC- this fight might bring the OW who is controlling and deceitful to be very mean -meaner than what she is now- and this is not good to the OC who lives with her. When the OC grows a bit then we shall see how to proceed- for the sake of my kids and for the sake of the other OC who is THE victim in this whole affair. My H continues to call the OC and tell her that he loves her and have conversations as long as the OW allow them- the OC does not know yet that he is a married father- the OW opposes telling her the truth. )
Maybe in my case honesty was a must. Anyway given who I am (my kids and H say that I am terrible: I can't lie and especially to the ones I love most- my kids!) I would have told them about the affair in any case. (I am sure that without the OC he would not have told me, not because he is a cheater but because he loves me.) I believe that the more honest we are with the kids the more we are empowering them to deal with the 'accidents' of life, this dear life.
A book that is very helpful I think is: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. It is for the partner that cheated but also for the partner that had been cheated on. BTW: it is nice to read novels; they take off from your pain into the pain/joys of other lives. It helped me a lot going to Library - browsing books- reading when I cannot sleep or when I just want to stay in bed....God Luck to you all and have a nice week end!

Because they

I'm not sure telling young children about the affair is the right thing to do. Just going to mess with thier heads!

I do not intend to tell my children about their dads affair. I don't think it would help me or them. They are both older and left home. I also do not live in the same country as them, so maybe that is easier. If my husband cheated again I think the whole world would know. I have told my husband this. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

If I had to go through an affair again, I still don't see the need to tell the kids, my kids were quite young too. I would however probably tell people what a twat he had been..I didn't and it was hell to deal with it on my own, still is.. I'm still living with the fall out years later. I don't know what my future holds.

No I've not told my kids either...I think it wouldn't have helped us. If we can't make it work and split, that would be different.
Tain sorry you are still having a hard time years later. How long ago was your partner's affair. The thought of still having these negative feelings years down the line scares the hell out of me. Today has been better though.

Round, the affair was 6 years ago, I've tried so hard to make it work, still here only just! Your dh needs to allow you to grieve for the relationship you thought you had. Also be completely open with you an let you talk when you need to. My dh has not done this. Everything here put in a box with the lid nailed down not healthy an not my choice. My dh got too close to female colleague last year who he obviously liked as found photo on his phone of her, taken at my dd birthday, lots of other stuff too which would make my post too long... I thought we had moved on he had learnt etc! So opened up a lot of old wounds for me. Hurt like hell all over again as made me realise that nothing has changed sadly. I stayed because its not easy to ltb for some of us, financially or emotionally..I still live in hope that its possible to move on from a affair for some people.. As for me I really don't know what my future is going to be....you have to try though, not all men are like my dh, some learn from their mistakes. I have learnt the hard way though that I can never rely on someone else for my happiness.

Tain It's so hard, feel for you. Is the work colleague the person he had affair with originally?

DH has been open up until now, but know there will be contact with OW at end of February due to work. It screws me up all over again, as that's how it started. I know it's wrong, but I hate her with every fibre of my being.

Its only human to feel that way all over again. Unfortunately it turns you into the paranoid woman, I loathe what dh has turned me into. I trust no one now, original affair was my friend too, double blow. No work colleague not the one he had affair with, dh boundaries slipped again. I should of left long ago, there is no marriage without trust.

tain Not a nice position to be in at all. I hope things can improve for you.
I live in hope that one day things will not feel this bad.
I also hate the OW more than I have ever hated anyone.
Human I have read the book How can I ever trust again. It has some good suggestions , but I don't think I could ever forgive my husband. I accept things were not great between us, and we are working to change things.
Seem to have my wrong head on at the moment so struggling to deal with things at the moment
Hope you all have a gentle Sunday

I can see that there's a space for this kind of support and discussion on this forum, but part of me fears it's a bit like a pro-ana group.

I think that's a bit harsh Vivacia.

I speak from some experience when I say in at least some cases of infidelity the cheating has nothing at all to do with the relationship as such - it is more to do with the cheating partner and some aspect of their psyche/personality. Unless that is addressed, and it can be addressed, there is a strong danger of it happening again.

IMO the comparison with addiction is very accurate - some people are addicted to the thrill of new and secret relationships. Much like an alcoholic, the cheater doesn't cheat to hurt other people but to get the buzz that they crave - they are blind to the destruction they cause. They can and do separate the cheating from their relationship - the two things serve very different purposes for them and it is possible for them to genuinely love their partner while ag the same time having a passionate affair with someone else.

IMO cheaters like this need to hit 'rock bottom' - they need to feel in a very scary, definite way the real connection between the affair and their relationship - you can have one or the other but not both. In my personal experience, in many (but definitely not all) cases if the betrayed partner sticks around, talks, works on the relationship etc, then the relationship may limp along for another while but it will end, either because it just breaks down or because of more cheating.

If the betrayed partner throws the cheater out and they have genuine space away from each other one of two things happens - the cheater claims remorse but does nothing to mend the relationship. With a bit of space the betrayed partner gets a bit of clarity and strength, sees the cheater for what they are and realises they can go it alone. The relationship ends, definitively, without years of 'trying' (which essentially would involve the betrayed partner pushing down their totally justified feelings of hurt while the cheater plays at remorse). Or, the cheater gets a massive kick up the arse, realises just what they stand to lose, looks closely at their own behaviour, makes genuine changes to their attitude (not for their partner, for their own good) and basically learns their lesson, regardless of any opportunity to get back with their partner. The betrayed partner gets space to heal and make a clear decision on whether to move forward, without pressure to act ok. In this case, with enough foundation still standing there is a good chance the relationship will recover really well and both will move forward happy. Even if the relationship ends, both have the best outcome possible in the circumstances.

I don't advocate LTB in all cheating circumstances. But sticking around and slogging through without some crescendo - some definitive moment where separation is a real option - is a very bad idea IMO. Without some watershed moment where you're both finally being honest with yourselves and each other, the infidelity will just fester on the heap of problems that will finally topple and bury you.

Infidelity is relationship cancer. It doesn't call for tea and sympathy it calls for radical surgery, strong treatment. You need to get it all out, asap, before the relationship is beyond saving.

I think that's a bit harsh Vivacia.

You say this, yet then proceed to describe points in favour of my argument!

You say that: -

• sometimes infidelity is more about the cheat than the relationship;
• that if it's happened once it can happen again;
• that some cheats like the thrill;
• that some cheats don't want to hurt their partner;
• that some cheats don't think about the destruction they cause;
• that some cheats still love their partner;

I agree with all of this. I don't see your points as an argument for the faithful partner to stick around for more of the same.

IMO cheaters like this need to hit 'rock bottom'... if the betrayed partner sticks around, talks, works on the relationship etc, then the relationship may limp along for another while but it will end, either because it just breaks down or because of more cheating.

I agree. All the more reason to not encourage the woman to prolong this heart-breaking, soul-destroying process.

Infidelity is relationship cancer

I agree with much of what you said, but I'm very uncomfortable with this analogy.

Why are you uncomfortable with the analogy vivacia?

To clarify, the reason I didn't like your comparison to pro-ana groups is that being cheated on and wanting to repair your relationship isn't comparable to mental illness. I get that you're trying to compare to people supporting each other in destructive behaviour but while pro-ana support can never be right, I think there is a place for the support that's given here, if only to give people a hand to hold during a very difficult time. Trying to make a broken relationship work isn't inherently wrong - it may work. My point was that in many cases the efforts to make the relationship work are worthy but misguided.

Why are you uncomfortable with the analogy vivacia?

Hmm, I was thinking about this and trying to articulate my feelings... I think it's because A) cancer is a random event. Infidelity between people who have vowed to forsake all others, is not. B) Cancer is deadly serious. Infidelity is not. C) We associate words such as Brave and Fighter with people who cope against cancer. I do not like ascribing such words to people who choose to "fight for their relationship" or "work harder".

I get that you're trying to compare to people supporting each other in destructive behaviour but while pro-ana support can never be right, I think there is a place for the support that's given here, if only to give people a hand to hold during a very difficult time.

I agree that hand-holding is important, and I'd go one step further and say that there's a place for supporting people who are wanting to stay together after infidelty. What I fear, however, is encouraging people to stay in a relationship that is dysfunctional or detrimental to that person's health. MN is incredibly refreshing in that it doesn't put the onus on the woman to "work harder" and "fight for her relationship".