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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

support thread! Marriages in recovery!

802 replies

humanmagicmarker · 23/01/2015 13:12

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

OP posts:

Report

erazer · 03/02/2015 11:27

Human
Maybe just mention to you dh that you are struggling. Sometimes just having a cuddle helps me. Hope things improve for you

MaMaof04 · 03/02/2015 11:42

Dear Human, this is what I would have do. I would have tried to make both of us deal with my pain caused by the affair and with the pain caused by the breast cancer; I would have tried to actively alleviate the sufferings of H and his mum. Dealing with one suffering does not mean neglecting another suffering. On the contrary. When dealing with various human sufferings simultaneously, it helps us a lot in dealing with our pain.
I would have said to him something along the lines: I know I should not compare sufferings. Still I believe that going through cancer is much more tragic/painful than going through the pains of an affair. Especially when the cancer is affecting your mum. However I am still in pain and you can help me alleviate this pain. At this point you propose what you would like to do. At the same time find out how you can help his mum and him to go through this. (Call the mum-send her flowers, read about stories of women who went through breast cancer and talk to her about them if she wants and is in the right stage of mind; you have to be careful to feel the stage she is at now; you might share any info you have about the breast cancer with your DH and help him help himself and his mum). Good Luck!

erazer · 04/02/2015 07:38

Morning. How is everyone today?

tain · 04/02/2015 08:28

Bad day yesterday, however today is a new day.

brontolo · 04/02/2015 08:44

Feeling OK today. Bit empty really. I had a horrible day on Monday which I think has left me quite deflated still.

OH and I are meeting for lunch today as one of our attempts to actually do something just for us. I want to be positive about it so will be attempting to focus on moving forward and not looking back for at least that hour today.

How are you erazer?

Vivacia · 04/02/2015 09:01

I feel like I dont want to rock the boat, or worse, send him back to her

How does he reassure you that as much as you do "rock the boat" he will never betray you again (with her, or someone else)?

(I'm not sure rock the boat is the right expression, that sounds as though you'd be being unreasonable, whilst talking through the infidelty and lack of trust is a very natural and reasonable part of this process, I would have thought).

brontolo · 04/02/2015 09:28

The thought of "sending him back to her" is an interesting one. I sway between wanting to try and ensure that he knows how good his life is with me and the kids (which is where he's definitely at at the moment) so that he would never consider anything else again, and then actually thinking that if that's what he chooses, then I'd rather know that.

If there is any chance that he'll go back to her, that's actually sort of out of my control and if that's what he wants then I'll need to accept that.

For now, I believe it's not what he wants at all so am holding on to that.

erazer · 04/02/2015 11:17

I am doing OK today. Have my positive head on today. I try to start each day like this but it doesn't always work. After talking to my husband last time, I seem in a better place more of the time. It does not stop me having big wobbles though, over little things.
Brontolo
I hope your lunch meeting goes well. I always think the lead up to things is usually worse than the actual event.

erazer · 04/02/2015 18:32

Can I ask for your opinion.
The OW lives quite close to us and I said the other week I wanted to move away. I worry when husband goes out he could go see her. OW is 5 mins away by car and only a short walk. I was very ready to move, now I am thinking again. I love my home and don't know what to think. Will I feel better further away from her?

Vivacia · 04/02/2015 18:39

Will I feel better further away from her?

My initial reaction is "probably". But it's such a big thing, moving home. Having told your husband about your concerns, I think that the onus is on him to regain your trust and reassure you that he has no desire to visit her again. Is he doing this?

erazer · 04/02/2015 18:50

I have spoken to my husband. He is reassuring me he has no wish to visit her again. It is finished he says. its just OW is so close.

Vivacia · 04/02/2015 19:04

But it takes more than that to rebuild the trust. He's the one who chose to destroy it. So, on here, I've read about men who keep in touch throughout the day, sending reassuring texts even if they've just popped to the shops, let their partners have their passwords and leave their phone and laptops open on the kitchen side etc.

erazer · 04/02/2015 19:22

I know what you are saying. Mostly we are together. He goes to the gym and does a few other jobs, but I know where he is I check when I want , which he is fine with.

Vivacia · 04/02/2015 19:49

Perhaps it's coming to the point where you want to trust him, you've tried your best but it's just not going to happen?

erazer · 04/02/2015 19:52

I don't think that is the case. We are getting on better than we have for a long while. I think it will just take time to get the trust back.

Vivacia · 04/02/2015 19:55

I don't know what to say. It sounds as though it takes a little bit of happiness out of your life each day.

erazer · 09/02/2015 08:50

Morning everyone

JonesTheSteam · 09/02/2015 09:27

Morning erazer

How are things going?

erazer · 09/02/2015 11:58

Not too bad thanks Jones. How are you?

JonesTheSteam · 09/02/2015 12:24

I'm fine thanks :-)

Weebirdie · 09/02/2015 18:25

If 'hold tight' is on this thread I just want you to know Im willing you on and thinking of you often.

You will know who I am from your other threads.

xxxxx

humanmagicmarker · 10/02/2015 16:40

Hello all, I've been having a rough time last week or so, and haven't posted. just wanted you all to know I'm still here, and I value your support xx

OP posts:

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JonesTheSteam · 10/02/2015 20:10

Hope things improve soon for you, human x

erazer · 10/02/2015 23:30

Same from me. Hope things improve for you. Seems to be quiet on this thread at the moment. Hope everyone else is doing OK.

Vivacia · 11/02/2015 07:22

It's the "marriages in recovery thread", it'd be nice to believe that the marriages have recovered.

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