support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

[dreamingofblueskies]

Well, gessami, my DDay was an absolute disaster. I was dreading it, as I'd said previously, H knew this.

We were visiting my parents for the fortnight and so we both had the day free, he fell asleep in the lounge on the afternoon and I just took the dog for a walk, I was so furious with him, he let me down yet again. He says it was because he can't cope with what he did and his brain 'shut down', he didn't have a choice, apparently.

So whatever you all do for your DDay, don't do what we did.

[gessami]

I'm sorry dreaming that sounds rubbish.

so far we've had a shitty weekend and tomorrow looms large.

we are 40 now and we've been together since we were 17. we have grown up together, been together for most of our lives, and for the most part been really happy.

we just can't seem to get back on track and yet we can't imagine life without each other. it's so hard to believe that we've come to this.

I somehow feel that DDay tomorrow is going to be the end of our relationship.

[JonesTheSteam]

Hello all...

gessami and dreaming, really hope things improve for you soon, whichever path you take.

Lots, I've just dealt with the 2 year anniversary of DH shagging OW for the first time.

Like you I feel happy with the way we are together, a lot happier than this time last year for instance, but it is still there, lurking away in the background, and I'm not sure it will ever go away entirely.

I think that's probably entirely normal though for this situation.

My gran died 7 years ago, but I still feel sad every year on her birthday. It's part of the grieving process.

I know that it's definitely been on my mind far less than last year. I know around this time last year I had some sort of meltdown and had a massive argument with DH. Don't feel like that this year at all.

And in fairness to DH I was very quiet earlier this week due to job shit, and he was the one who brought up what time of the year it was, and asked if I was OK, needed to talk, had any questions etc.

I think like gessami said keeping something back is normal after we've been betrayed. Not blind trust. But trust as best as you can.

I don't think I'd ever trust anyone 100 per cent again, though. Just think that's self-preservation.

[janaus]

Thank you for starting this support.

My hubby finally just admitted that "he had made some mistakes" recently.

Thats as close as an admission as I am going to get.

I am aware that something had been going on since December last year. I finally jumped on it in July, after finding facetime use on his phone, I tracked the number back. He changed this person Lyn's name on his contacts to "Wally"

I said I will give him a chance. He has virtually destroyed a 39 year marriage. I want to get over it, but the trust has gone. Continually checking phone and the phone account.

How can I let it go, move forward, so we can at least have a comfortable marriage. I want to un - see some dirty text. Un hear this woman's voice when I rang to see who answered. Certainly wasn't "Wally"

Other things had been going on over the past 5 years or so. So I kept to myself, shut myself off, to avoid the hurt and heartache.

Part of me wants to destroy him, like he has destroyed me, rip his heart out like he has ripped mine out.

[janaus]

For the last month or so, I have been doing drive by's of this womans house. Yes, she lives just around the corner from us. Also walking the dog past the house. At the weekend, I took 2 year old grand daughter with me on the walk. She was so cute, I just had to take some lovely photos of her, playing at the front of peoples houses.... yes, this house, and of course others. Showed hubby photos of how cute grand daughter was when I took her for a walk. He looked at a few, then walked away. The admission that he had made some mistakes came the next morning, and that he wanted to work on things to improve.
Also part of me wants to know more, details, how, why, when, etc. But my head tells me to let it go. Maybe best not to know.

[janaus]

Hurtful, that he also tried to shift the blame to me. It was my fault, he's a man, what else was he supposed to do. And what about his privacy, why was I snooping in the first place. Hmm... trying to save our marriage.

[janaus]

Trying to move on and accept. But the bitterness, build up of lack of trust and respect keeps creeping in.
Trying to save our marriage, after 39 years what else do I do, cant start over.

[Lotsofponies]

Janaus, I feel for you. You will tear yourself apart if you carry on like this. You need to talk to him. Perhaps it is best not to know all the details but in order to move forwards you have to have trust, and you can't trust unless you have honesty. Have you thought about going to Relate? I bet there are lots of women who have started over after long marriages and have moved on to better things. Keep posting. You are not alone

[Justaboy]

ChatMan Welcome to the asylum mate:-)

Its so very gratifying to hear that some people out here are tying to cope and mend a broken trust and marriage. It won't be easy but i suppose if you still have feelings for them and think you can trust therm then you haven't that much to loose over what you already have, and a lot to gain. BUT they must be honest and want to mend things as much as you do, boy or girl.

An affair or a fling is a lot of the time symptomatic of something wrong in the marriage and it can be put right if the original problem is addressed but a lot of the time it doesn't work sorting the problem for a myriad of reasons and the affiar looks an easy option. Course if he/she is a serial philanderer then its time to say bye!.

Of course be wary if they have strayed and its damn difficult to give them a small bit of slack without tracing their activities all the time, but best of luck and I hope it works out for you, really do:)

[BloodontheTracks]

Janaus I'm so sorry you're gong through this.

You must feel so desperate and so frightened. It makes total sense you wouldn't push for more information when it feels like it will hurt you and possibly make you have to think about leaving. But the truth is, you have to. you must book in with a counsellor for yourself and/or with him to talk through what has happened. Someone who can help you feel safe. If you brush it under the carpet it will fester and destroy you, and give him carte blanche to do it again since he has suffered no real repercussion.

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. I promise it is the only way forward.

[janaus]

thanks for the advice, I am printing out pages and pages of phone bills, highlighting calls to prostitutes, i have worked out their numbers, plus over 50 phone calls to OW phone number,

I can't stand the thought that he has been there, then tried to get what he wants from me as well.

[humanmagicmarker]

Still finding this so hard after 15 months, Seeing a psychologist now, but still crying myself to sleep, my self esteem is so low. I look at him and I'm in a dichotomy, I love and hate him simultaneously. Anyone else feel like this?

[janaus]

A week since he finally admitted a fling, which was a mistake, he says. 3 times a mistake?
Still in the spare room, the pain and sadness is too much

[BloodontheTracks]

Thank goodness he admitted something. I'm so sorry for your pain. It's the beginning of working through and it's going to hurt so much but at least you are moving forward. Can you get some counselling together so this can be properly excavated? I know it's scary but it will make you feel safer to have someone in the same room.

[gessami]

are you ok human?

[Lotsofponies]

Human - yes I know exactly what you mean. I often feel that I love and hate him at the same time. It horrifies me how someone (other than my children), how someone has the power to affect my emotions so much.

Janaus - I am pleased to her there has been some movement. Not sure what to say to you other than you can do this, and you will be ok

[Littlehomebird]

D say was back in June. I'd 'known' for about a year but was always met with denial. I was very much in love with my husband & my 1st reaction was to hold onto him tightly & forgive. However he is making it almost impossible by drip feeding me information & trickle truth. 4 months on & only last night he disclosed that they'd had more sexual relations than he had previously sworn to. How do I get him to understand that repeated lies damage me? I asked to be told the extent of the affair because I thought I was perhaps imagining a 6 headed monster when actually it was only a 4 headed one- unfortunately it was an 8 headed one! I was told she asked for oral frequently told & him he was very talented at it-unfortunately now I also know that she was none too clean down there & smelled pretty bad. Didn't put him off tho did it? I can't unhear that now. It's like a horror roller coaster ride that won't end. If he'd told me the truth in June id be further on my road to recovery. I wish he understood that. Help!

[Lotsofponies]

Littlehomebird - Have you had any counselling? That could help. My partner didn't tell the truth for months. I kept wheedling little bits out and like you, it would then set me back to the beginning again. What he actually did was far more forgiveable and less damaging the continued lying. In hindsight I wish I had been so quick to say I would forgive.

I got this book www.amazon.co.uk/dp/140880946X/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1/279-1156596-6746135?pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe&pf_rd_r=10NTPJMFH7VW79NPXV8Z&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_p=569136327&pf_rd_i=0060009314&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

It was very useful and helped my partner to understand that the affair was only half of the betrayal. The other half was the lies. If your partner is serious about trying to rebuild he has to understand this. Reading the book may help. I know it helped me enormously. There are also lots of other on-line resources to help

Remember this is your life, your decisions, there is no rush, but you hold the power now. Some of your options are;

1 - End the relationship

2 - Continue as you are.

3 - Ask him to leave until he can tell the truth. It might be that he needs to spend some time working out why he can't. Could be guilt, shame, fear of your reaction. If he can't do it face to face perhaps he would do it in a counselling session or in a letter to you. Alternatively you could write a list of your 'must know' questions, such as when, where what. Remember that you can never 'unknow' so think about what you would want to ask,. If you ask him to leave he may realise that this isn't going to go away.

4 - Accept that you already know enough, he has betrayed you, he has had sexual relations with another woman and knowing more would not change how you feel.

Try to eat and drink, if you can't try milk shake, soup and yoghurt. I found exercise helped, going for a good long walk. Perhaps you could try writing your thoughts and feelings down in a notebook (or on Mumsnet), it helps to get them out of your head.

I know it feels like you will never feel normal again, let alone happy, but you will, however it pans out. Keep posting. We are here for you

[Littlehomebird]

Thankyou for your reply it is helpful. I understand that sometimes knowing too much is not a good thing. But I feel that if I am going to forgive I need to know what it is I'm trying to forgive. I've mentioned counselling to dh but he doesn't seem keen. The effect this has had in me mentally & physically is astonishing. I've lost in excess of 2 stones in a matter of weeks. I was a healthy size 12 -now my new clothes are an 8. I don't sleep soundly & my dreams are very disturbing. I have a sort of 'tremble' & shake for spells. His betrayal was bad enough but the lying, denying & minimising has diminished any confidence I had. I can't relax when we are intimate as I have dreadful images of him with her in my mind. I must be very weak as I can't stand the thought of him leaving- even for a short time. He would have to go to his parents & the ow lives only a few doors away so that would make me feel worse. I honestly feel that my nerves are shot & I don't know if they'll recover. They both made such a fool of me- she used my business-(which I've since lost due to my current state). She's known us both for a long time but as soon as she became single she pestered my husband til he succumbed. This part is true- I witnessed her texting & phone calls. I think the only thing which may heal me is time. At the moment the thought of seperating is unbearable. Like others- I love him, but I hate what he's done.

[Rainbowlou1]

Hello everyone...I just wondered if I can join in?
I'm on the phone and doing dinner etc so will be back properly later on but really need to talk to people in a similar situation at the moment!
Hope everyone is ok xx

[Shinyhappypeople9]

The love button is hard to switch off unfortunately! Be easier if it was easier.

[Lotsofponies]

Littlehomebird. The trembling and shaking is excess adrenaline. Your body is in fight or flight mode. My legs used to just shake and quiver on their own, or I would find myself hyper ventilating and having a panic attacks. Have you thought about going to visit your GP? Mine put me on anti depressants and gave me diazapam to help calm me down in the short term. I don't think I would have got through it otherwise. Your primary concern is to look after yourself and DC's if you have any.

Sounds like your Husband sounds like he still doesn't quite get how big this is, perhaps you need some space from him to get your self together. Do you have any RL support, friends, family. It is amazing how supportive people are when they know. I was surprised how many of my work colleagues had been in the same boat.

[Littlehomebird]

Lotsofponies thankyou, yes I have family who I am close to, I see my mum most days & speak regularly to my sister. They know what has happened & have kept a dignified silence, they treat dh with courtesy as they always have done. While they have told me they are greatly disappointed in him, they will not do or say anything which would hamper our reconciliation. They are supportive but a 'bit stiff upper lip' it's time to move on etc. Sometimes I think advice & help from strangers is very helpful. This has not happened to any of my family so advice from those with the experience is always welcome.

[janaus]

Little home bird, you are being so strong. I also am hoping that time will heal.
My DH has easily swept it under the carpet. Meanwhile it's still eating me away. OW lives around the corner, with a slight detour I drive past every day. It's been 4 weeks now, and I am still in the spare bedroom. I made one attempt to move into the bedroom, hubby just went straight to sleep. I just want some closeness back. I can't imagine anything physical happening. In my mind I just see them at it. Day to day things we are fine everything is normal. But we can't get over this barrier.

[Littlehomebird]

We have been talking a bit more & I think he is beginning to understand the damage. Yesterday wasn't a good day after his admissions of lots more sexual activity. Last night in bed I moved in to him for a hug & I know he felt the tremor i now have. He also commented on my weight loss. He did seem remorseful. We spoke about our very different views on sex. I understand mine are probably very old fashioned nowadays. I explained that I'd never had a one night stand in my life because I always wanted only my husband to know me in this way. I had very little previous experience & ive seen him as the one I learnt with. He had experience when we got together. Under no circumstance do I think extra marital sex is ok, whereas his thinking probably was its fine if I don't get caught ' no one gets hurt. But he did get caught in a dreadful set of circumstances & lost his job. I am the one paying the price for this tangled web the 2 of them have woven. It's early days so I hope to feel better given time.