support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

bewildered - I am the talker (too much ranting really) in our relationship. At our counselling sessions I deliberately decide that I will not be the one to open the session or respond if it is to both of us I let him lead and do the work often have to wait for many minutes of uncomfortable silences.

Overall I think it is a v positive experience (although emotional) regardless of where you end up. I hope that it gives you the focus to have difficult conversations between sessions as well.

Is the OW 100% out of the picture - has he granted you 100% transparency?

Ah well, now he's decided that he doesn't want a divorce, he was just angry when he said it because I didn't believe him, back on the roundabout again.

I can see why BPD gets confused for bi-polar now, you never know who's going to be talking to you, 'nice' husband, who loves you more than anything in the world, or 'nasty' husband, who looks at you like he hates you and treats you like you're something he's scraped off his shoe.

I'm tired, sometimes I'm so tired I don't even have the energy to sit up on a chair, I have to lie down in bed. And I know it's emotional and mental tiredness, God knows I don't do anything strenuous!

From what has been said by many people on this board, we are all the talkers and they are the ones who don't say anything, maybe that's why they're the ones who have the affairs, it's easier to run away from problems instead of talking to us.

Just because he has decided he doesn't want a divorce doesn't mean you are back on the merry go round

What do you want?

www.amazon.co.uk/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Just read this - wish I had read it in week one of D-day. Has anyone else read it - what did you think?

It has made me cry - it is so spot on - every word I can relate to deeply - but it has shown that he is doing it all wrong and we will not pull through as his approach/actions are counter-productive.....he needs to read this urgently.

Christina that's a very good question, and one I don't have the answer for, when he said he wanted a divorce I was relieved because the decision had been made for me. I would honestly say I am 50/50, if you pushed me I would maybe say 51/49 in favour of divorcing.

Dead I haven't read that book, purely because I do wonder whether it would deal with my situation, don't suppose there's much about mental illness in it is there? I know Mama recommends that book a lot, I might just buy it, money isn't exactly flowing at the moment though!

dreaming. I feel exhausted for you. Don't let his illness hijack your life xx

Gessami I've come to realise that his illness has been hijacking my life pretty much since I met him 17 years ago. He was my first 'proper' relationship, head over heels, planning babies kind of thing. So I never really realised that the 'hero worship' he had for me wasn't normal, he treated me like something to be worshipped but also like something to be feared, like an Old Testament God.

I think that has made me figure that I can't be that great a person if my husband is scared of me. I think my kids only are nice to me to keep me sweet, like I'm a scary monster to keep calm and happy, otherwise I'll devour them all. And my rational side tells me that of course I'm not a monster, but my rational side very rarely wins the argument.

So here I am, wide awake at 4:45, brain running round in circles like a dog chasing its tail.

Bewildered how did your Relate session go? I hope your H managed to open up a bit.

gg321 - how are you doing? I do think that writing to each other is a good way to open communication in a safe and controlled way. Would suggest that you read the book www.amazon.co.uk/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X (it is v short and easy to read) to give you an idea of what is required by him immediately and in the longer term if there is to be any chance of recovery. It really is the all encompassing road map - it is brutal about the chances of recovery if not followed - and showed me that although I thought (and he thought) that he was doing his best - we are on the road to failure. He stayed up and read it last night and agrees - he also said that he now understands what more he needs to do to step up big time to make it work - otherwise we are doomed.
dreaming - you might find the book really helpful - there is a section on unresolved issues (MH & Addiction etc) and how they need to be addressed and taken responsibility for outside of the marriage directly by the betrayer alone.

Dreaming: You did your best. Post affair the betrayer has to be willing to be the healer and your H needs a healer from other issues. From what you said when you ask him to take the role of a healer he is not happy at all; it looks as if healing you disturbs his emotions and fragile psyche.
And it looks as if you have been his healer during all your relationship- you can't help him anymore- in affairs the betrayer has to become the healer and he refuses to take that role on him. So really you have been doing a lot for him for many years and he wounded you and he is the only one who can help you heal and he refuses. So time to quit. It is painful. But you really can leave this relationship with your head high, with your pride and ethics intact. You did more than what most of us would have done. You scarified more than many of us would have. Time to leave him, walk off his dark world into the blue sky you are dreaming of. You really deserve some peace and happiness. Please take time to love yourself and nurse your bleeding heart. Good Luck! (the book Dead is speaking about is great. But you do not need to buy it. It will just tell you that you have no chance in rebuilding your relationship because he does not want to be a successful rebuilder- the book will just unsettle him I think. IMO you need other nice books to mend your heart and mind and your family life. Maybe just nice fictional books from the library. Distractions and little pleasure (walk- talk with people- movies- books- music- perfume- food smells- trembling leaves in the trees etc) might be good for you. I hope that money-wise you will mange OK after separation. Good Luck! I do really admire you!

how are you doing dreaming?

D Day on tuesday. cant stop thinking about it. wanted to do something nice as a family that evening to create a positive memory, But DH has to work late so we can't. As the affair was with someone at work this is a bit of a kick in the teeth. Any advice? I'll be sat here at 6.30 on tuesday evening with him at work, doing the usual dinner/bedtime chores and I just want to run away from it all...

Sorry do you mean it is anniversary of DDay on Tues. Does he realise that and have you told him that you need to mark it with a positive action? If yes - he is out of order and should prioritise the needs of your marriage. If no - you need to communicate how you feel and what you want .... how has been in the past year - has he proactively actioned and engaged in all that the relationship needs to rebuild?

Human I wish I knew. I have always found anniversaries very hard.

Me, I just need a safe place to talk as I've had what to me feels a big knock back, several years after 'recovery' from DH's affair, and no one in RL is going to get why it hurts. We're happy now. DH is pretty much perfect as a husband and a father. I have no issues with him, or our marriage, he couldn't do more.

What has hurt me is I finally know the whole story. She was a work colleague
, so I knew they met when away on business. What I hadn't realised was they also spent at least 5 weekends together. I feel stupid that I didn't work this out, but I wasn't to know that she used to fly all over to follow him to where he was staying for conferences. It hadn't occurred to me they'd be so brazen as to be together in conferences centres, or that he would have lied about what country he was in

The other thing, he lied to protect her. He told me she was a nice person, that he's pursued her, and she'd not been keen as he was married. The opposite was true. She was divorced, her DH had left her as she cheated on him. DH wasn't the first married colleague she had slept with, he was one of a list. She'd pretty much laid it on a plate when they first met. She wasn't even faithful to him when they were together. The deal was provided she used protection, what she did in her own time was her business. It's all so sordid. I could forgive him falling for someone else. It happens. That was bearable. To throw everything away over someone who didn't give a shit about anyone but herself. That hurts even more.

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame her, I blame him, it's just all these extra lies. I fell totally ripped apart all over again.

gutted - how did you find out this additional info? Did you look for it, ask for it or have to squeeze it out of him?

I am in the same boat. It is the CONTINUED lies/distortion/omissions and not the actual content of the lies/distortion/omissions that is killing me - it is like reliving D-Day all over again each time - the interrogation, the suspicions, the denials, the exhausting flushing it out - then comes the gut wrenching pain.

We are 10 weeks post D-Day and I have just told my DH this eve that although he has servered contact with OW and is desperate for the marriage to work -- it feels like it is still going on every day - as I sit there with a load of jigsaw pieces that dont fit together - then I am like a dog with a bone - sometimes i get more info - he tells me that he has told me everything - but how am I to know that? I have told him that we cant start to heal or rebuild until "the last lie" - and all that is happening now is I have zero confidence or trust in him.

I have shown him this link. He is letting his marriage slip away - i am tired of doing all the running / chasing him down...
www.dearpeggy.com/2-affairs/honesty.html

Dead like Human I'm also going through various anniversaries of his affair. DDay. Date I moved out. Date I filed for divorce. That kind of thing. So it has been on my mind. Then I came across something that spelled out that they must have been together on a weekend in New York. It felt like a kick to the guts. So I confronted him, asked for the whole story once and for all or I would walk. I don't use this threat lightly. Last time I did he received a divorce petition pretty much as soon as a lawyer could draft it. So he told me, everything, every last sordid detail, because I insisted he did.

So now I know and I'm hurting. It is better to know, but it is hard.

I am so sorry you are going through the same thing. If you can get that last lie out of him. Don't let it come back to bite you on the bum years later.

Some discovery/interrogation/admission has been "the last lie" every single week for the past 10. I feel floored, punched in the gut, exhausted and overwhelmed each and every time. None of the content would have been dealbreakers - he has just minimised everything - but each lie repeated and repeated and repeated - is insulting, disrespectful and contemptious - I dont know who or what he is.

gutted - just found this on a blog - describes the situation perfectly...

"Some people get the truth given to them, others have to find it. Some have all of the details given when asked, others have to wait for the trickle-truth which is traumatic over and over again each time new details are revealed."

Oh Dead, it is so hard when people we love become unrecognisable to us. The only way forward is if they of their own volition recognise what they turned into, how much they hurt you, and what they have to do to earn your love and your trust again.

Your quote is spot on. The trickle-truth is like opening a scar, every time.

I'm having a better day today as trickle-truth or not we have several good years behind us, and he has been a wonderful DH and dad in that time. I try to focus on that. I can't quite rid the picture of them walking hand in had round Paris, New York, Orlando, Frankfurt.... all those places, all those five star hotels. What hurts even more is that in 14 years together we only had two holidays, and one of those was our honey moon. There was always something - work, finances, kennels for the dogs.

How're you today?

Not good - no sleep - been up most of the night obsessing and researching online to try to understand how this will pan out.....I probably need to detach from him and the affair for a bit as it is all so toxic, paralysing, negative and painful - the rest of my life is falling apart as this consumes me. I need to go and do nice things and see my lovely friends and family as I need some positive distractions and input to rebuild my own self esteem. I have taken the horse to water time and time again - either he wont or he cant step up to rebuilding. I have to recognise that I have no control.

Dead I left DH, started divorce proceedings, went out with friends, had fun, started living. Perhaps you need to do something similar. You can't continue like nothing has happened, you need to find yourself, and only then decide whether you still want to be with him (((hugs)))

Yes I need to do exactly that gutted so that I can put it into perspective - where does this marriage sit in my life - what do I get from it...currently I feel I am allowing myself to be over exposed and drained to the point of drowning in all the negativity of the situation.....I need to find the energy to reconnect with the real nice world of fun experiences and nice people.

Once you do Dead it will become much easier. Sometimes events like these have the positive effect of helping us be us again, after too long of being someone who is always there looking after everyone else.

Can I just add that sometime the academics of it all, the researching online etc, arent important. What is important is living your day the best you can. That is the way you find our where you are going from here.

Weebirdie Yes I agree - I have spent to much time searching a solution - it has been helpful and enlightening to now know what needs to be done by him -- but also revealing that it isnt been done. I cant keeping doing the analysis/paralysis anymore - I need to pull my head out of the mire and get living life - time will tell. Thank you

Dead, I soooo feel for you. My DP was like yours. It took 3 months for the full physical truth to come out. None of the things he told me were particularly bad, it was a ONS that didn't go all the way, the things that did happen where exactly what I thought would happen in those circumstances.

If it had all come out the first day the damage would have been greatly limited. What really wrenches is the amount of times he told me that ' this is everything, honestly, nothing else'. Someone I trusted totally for 18 years could lie so blatantly, over and over again, all because he was frightened, ashamed and in denial, all feelings he put above mine, my right to the truth, respect and dignity.

I can sort of understand why he wasn't able to be honest about his emotional state. I don't think he really understood how he felt and 'why' he did it until much later. For me finding out the' 'why' was much more important than the 'what'. The problem is it is impossible to have a frank and honest conversation about the 'why', when they are still trying to cover up lies and you are still know or fear there is more to come.

Remember it is still early days, it will get better.