support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

dreaming good night! good luck!
(do you think a good book might help you? I just read " All the lights we cannot see"- So good! I wrote a review on MN about it on a thread called: All the Lights We cannot See! in books section)

Been lurking here for sometime - 10 weeks in - really helpful to read and identify with your experiences...These have helped me and my DH.

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved

Read these below in correct order - I think I vacillate between couples one and two -- but aim to be three. DH wants us to be couple 3 RIGHT NOW.

www.huffingtonpost.com/esther-perel/an-affair-to-remember-wha_b_694976.html
www.huffingtonpost.com/esther-perel/an-affair-to-remember-wha_1_b_694980.html
www.huffingtonpost.com/esther-perel/an-affair-to-remember-wha_2_b_694982.html

Lurgano welcome! I'm glad this thread has been of some help to you and your husband. It's nice to have the thread for support but also sad to see how many of us are in this situation. I saw these links on another thread and meant to post on here about them, they're quite spot on I think. I'm afraid I'm very much in couple number 1 at the moment.

Ma I'll give that book a Google now, thanks.

lurgano welcome and thanks for the links. Sharing experiences does help, as does researching and learning about the psychology of affairs. I like the analogy that the road to recovery is like a roller coaster. I have just had the most massive down. I know that eventually the ride will slow down a level off. Wishing you well on your journey.

Hello, all - I've just worked my way through 700 odd posts and sadly I identify with an awful lot you are all saying.

I am only 1 week in into stumbling over what turned out to be a 4 year on/off relationship my H has been having with OW and I am still reeling from the shock. He's still here (in the spare bed room), I am trying v hard not to just react in anger and hurt to what I've found out, but really I am just feeling numb and angry in equal measure.

He does not talk.
Never has done.
Isn't talking now.
I'm sure he'd answer questions if I'd ask but I am done with always being the one doing all the 'relationship work'.

We've known each other 20 years, married 18, 4 kids, youngest is 5.
He has organised a counselling session with Relate in 10 days time and we certainly need somebody else in the room to help us speak and listen to each other.

I shall just sit and lurk quietly here if I may.

to all of you.

Hi, Lurgano, thank you for flagging up this thread for me. I've NCed (Exit here).

B&A
You are going through the toughest time of the Affair.
Can you sleep a bit? Can you distract yourself one way or the other (reading- watching TV - going out with the kids- hugging them)?
If you cannot sleep then please take over the counter pills to help you snap some sleep.
Is there anyone helping you to cope with the kids so that you can nurse your pain?
You might want to buy your H the book:
How to help your spouse heal from your affair. It is a god book for you and for him.
I understand you do not want to be the one to initiate the talks- can you still write down a list of questions to take to Relate?
Good Luck!

Bewildered lurking is fine, this thread just helps sometimes in showing you that you are not alone in feeling these horrible feelings.

My husband would also never talk about anything to do with 'problems' and couples counselling really helped, hopefully you'll get a good counsellor. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Bewildered Sorry to hear this terrible news. I find it helps to let all my feelings out on here, probably more important for you if he wont speak. Hugs and strength to you, and all of us.

Is 6 weeks too soon after finding out about affair (a short and meaningless one) to talk about trying to work things out? Or will DH ha e had it too easy if I'm 'giving in' already....not how I see it but worried he'll see it that way. I think I do want to try and work things out and I know he does but I also want him to know how much he hurt me and he has to appreciate he basically needs to try and win me back! Just need some advice on how to go about things, do I make him sweat a bit longer wondering which way I will go or is that being silly if I am pretty sue myself I do want to try toakw it work, not saying it will work but atleast try

I don't think it's a case of punishing him, but of giving yourself time and space to think gg.

If you want to protect yourself, ask him what he proposes next. If he tells you how he wants to earn back your trust (specifically) you would be a lot safer than if he proposes a hot weekend away to get back to normal and then he moves back in on the Monday.

gg321
Relationship is not a power struggle- even in affair-cases.
You can tell him you want to give him a second chance if you want.
The most important is that:
1- he fully understands how devastating affairs are so that he does not repeat them
2- he is willing to commit himself to heal you. The meaning is that he has to be willing to answer - honestly - any question you might have at any time in the future etc
3- he has to be willing to give you access to all his passwords- phones etc
4- he must accept that the only private life he has is you etc
5- you have addressed the issues that enabled him to have an affair (it might be a deep issue or just a mis-belief that having an affair is not important, that it is just a minor meaningless act etc) so as to strengthen him against affairs (this is important to rebuild trust between you)
I suggest that you buy the book: 'How to heal your spouse from your affair' and give it to him to read and that you read it as well. If he is willing to become the successful rebuilder described in the book- then go for it, give him a second chance and start rebuilding your marriage! Good Luck! We are here for you!

Think I'm going to write my DH a letter to express to him how much he has hurt me with his betrayal with infidelity, any good things to say? Moving words? Really need him to know how much I've been hurt, also any way to say give it another go without making it sound to easy for him?

Horrible couple of days here. The OW's partner finally found the message I had sent him on Facebook back in August of last year telling him what had happened between his partner and my husband. It had gone into his 'others' folder and he only saw it Thurs night.

He wanted me to provide proof, as she was denying it, so I told him some details about the photos I saw, which was enough to convince him. She eventually admitted it to him and he was all for coming to 'have a chat' with my husband. (For that read 'punch him in the face')

The main problem I have is that now she is saying that during their messages my husband told her he was messing about with someone at work. Is this something she is saying to try and hurt me as I have wrecked her relationship or is it truth? I really have no way of knowing either way and it has broken my heart all over again, I didn't think it was capable of hurting anymore than it already was.

I have come to realise that this is going to be the end of the road for us both, I will never be able to trust him again, never.

And the worst part of it is that I'm the one who is feeling dreadful for sending this poor man that message back when I was a boiling ball of hate and just wanted to hurt the OW, now I wish I had never sent the bloody thing. I hate that I have made someone feel as bad as I do.

He needed to know what his wife is capable off.

So sorry dreaming...

I don't think you did the wrong thing telling the OW's H.

Have you asked your H about her allegations?

I have and he's gone off on one, can't believe that I believe her instead of him. I don't know who to believe, it's a bloody nightmare. She has nothing to gain by saying this whereas of course he has everything to gain by denying it. (Whether it's true or not).

I just don't feel like I can ever win, I'm never going to feel secure in our relationship again, I am so tired of feeling like this.

Has he ever really answered your questions about the affair (you knew about) or has he always just blamed his breakdown / illness and not been happy talking about it?

(Forgive me if I'm not remembering the back story correctly.)

Well, when he was in psychosis yes, he did answer my questions, but once he came out of psychosis he couldn't remember anything about it. (False memories or something, his psychiatrist did explain). So now when I ask him anything about it I get 'I don't know' or 'I can't remember'.

Basically the way we stand is that I was cheated on, but he wasn't the one who did it, it was the mental illness, it's a massive fucking mess.

Anyway, I think the decision has been made, we're going for divorce. He said this evening that he wants one as he can't cope with the fact that I don't believe him (or more precisely I find it hard to believe him). So the decision has been made. I'm quite relieved in a way as at least this way I won't end up hating him, that would be a pretty shitty way for this to end up after I used to love him so so much.

I just hope this means that I won't be 'seeing' the OW all the time from now on. Because I stalked looked at her FB profile a lot I saw a lot of photos of her with different hairstyles so basically every single brunette I see reminds me of her.

So sorry dreaming

I think the fact you say you are quite relieved and that you used to love him so much mean that splitting is probably the right thing for you to do.

I'm far from an expert on mental health matters so this may sound ignorant but I would feel that he is using it to hide behind rather then face up to what he has done and just wants you to forget and sweep it under the carpet.

You obviously can't do that.

The fact that he has reacted with anger rather than understanding to the OW's 'revelation' and its effect on you is also a bad sign I think.

Thank you Jones, it helps to talk it through.

I don't think he is using his BPD to hide behind, although it does seem like that sometimes, it's bad enough that I had the EA to deal with, but the man I married disappeared and left me with this mentally ill one where I have to worry more about how he's feeling than how I'm feeling.

I honestly don't know if I love him or not, when he asks me I say 'no,' every time he says 'I love you' to me it just washes over me, what use is love if it can't protect against shit like this? I suppose I want it to be like in the movies, where love conquers all, in Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom when he's hypnotised to kill Willy, but in the end he comes back from it because he loves her. Childish I know. I feel like Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge where he says to Nicole Kidman 'thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love.'

But I think I must love him, I know I care about him. I certainly wasn't hanging around trying to repair our marriage because it was the easy option.

The thing that hurts the most is how cold he can be to me now. Before he got treatment for his BPD he would never say anything in anger to me, even when I deserved it (God knows I've never been perfect). Now he says it's like the box that he was keeping all his emotions in has been opened and now that they're out they won't fit back in, so I get him being shitty to me at a time when I really don't deserve it and really can't deal with it.

This morning he said he had something to say, something that he said he didn't want to say but he had to, and I thought 'this is it, he's going to confess that he did sleep with someone at work.' And this calm washed over me, a cold calm and I found myself thinking 'right, how am I going to deal with this?' in such a relaxed manner and it was a relief, for a split second, I was finally going to know the truth.

But then it was just to say that he's not going to get better while we're still together, which, to be fair, I have been saying for ages. And I was disappointed, in that moment before he spoke, my mind had been peaceful, something which it hasn't been for over 10 months. I just wish I could know the truth, whatever it is, because if it turned out he had slept with someone I could at least deal with it, instead of my brain forever running around looking for answers.

Wow, that turned out to be quite an essay.

You may never know the truth and to be honest it really doesn't matter now. You have both decided its over so look to the future and put what may have happened behind you xx

I agree with christina. You now need to look forward and not dwell on the past as it sounds like you will never have the answers you want from him.

And of course you are going to still care about him. It's not a tap you can turn on and off. But if he is being cold and angry towards you at this time, when, as you say, you really need him not to be, and he claims he can't control his emotions now the box has been opened then I really do think it is the best decision for both of you.

Keep posting here if it helps..

xx

dreaming, gosh, what a terribly complex and difficult situation for you both, but yes, an end, a line drawn in the sand sounds like it might be less traumatic in the long run than re-living and rethinking everything, in particular if his MH makes it difficult to know what he genuinely cannot remember or chooses not to IYSWIM.

My situation is oh so mundane by comparison, it really is.

We have our first appointment with Relate tomorrow - I was just wondering what I can expect there? Could anybody who had relationship counselling enlighten me? What is likely to happen? Will they ask questions or expect us to lead the way?

It's been 16 days since I found out about the on/off 4 year affair H has had with OW - other than saying he is sorry and he loves me () he's said nothing more. Not a word. As I am the 'talker' in the relationship and I am fed up having to tease things out of him, I've not said anything either. We are living like 2 polite but distant flatmates, barely making eye contact, talking about practical stuff and the kids only.

Relate better bloody work a miracle for us, otherwise I see no future for us together tbh.

Bewildered, I don't think there is a single circumstance on this thread that is mundane, I just think they're all shit situations, just different problems!

At our relationship counselling (wasn't Relate, was a private counsellor) she was brilliant at getting us to talk. At our first session she asked us basically to say what had been going on - why we were there - and asked questions, open questions which encouraged us to talk. When one of us would offer an opinion or feeling then she would tend to ask the other person what they thought about that, etc.

Our counsellor was brilliant, a shame we couldn't afford her for more than ten sessions.

Wishing you masses of luck for tomorrow, hopefully he will open up and start talking.

dreaming I think the events of this week are going to take a long time to process. and whilst I agree you should look to the future I also think it's ok to take a breath and let it all sink in.

we are all trying to make things work and you really have tried. I think you can take comfort in knowing that you have given your marriage and your husband your best efforts.

good luck with your next steps and please stay in touch on this board. (I've been lurking on the divorce board and it's pretty helpful too).

bewildered, your first session will probably be an introduction to your circumstances. the counsellor will ask you why you're there and what you hope to achieve. in our first session she had us describe each other. it was an eye-opener...