support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

lots I have said to him that what he has done over the last 10 weeks since DDay ie making me jump through burning hoops with the distortion, lying, evading, minimising, through my interrogation and constant discoveries has been so disrespectful, insulting and almost abusive -- it is painful - again all to save his feelings ... that is exactly how it has been 'this is everything, honestly, nothing else' - about 30 times - then there is something else - what is wrong with me.....I seem to have no ultimatums.

Dead show him this. It has helped my DH see things from my perspective:
www.wikihow.com/Rebuild-Your-Spouse%27s-Trust-After-an-Affair

Why would you want to be with a man like this Dead?

dead. My DP’s reasons for lying. Fear that I would end the relationship if I knew everything. Not wanting to add to my pain. Trying to minimize to himself as well as me, if he didn't tell me he could almost pretend it didn't happen, and that he wasn't ‘that ‘person.

If I could have done anything different I would have asked him to leave and not given him an olive branch until I had the whole picture, he would have had nothing to lose then. Because I told him I didn’t want our relationship to finish it was an incentive to withhold the truth.

He also realises he was damaging himself and his personal recovery by lying too.

Dead I think it's about time you got a bit of self respect back. You sound like you have been broken down beyond reason.
As Viv said, Why would you want to be with a man like this?

Yes lots yes I think that has also been my mistake - I should have asked him to leave until the truth came out....and his reasons for lying are exactly the same as your OH...

"Fear that I would end the relationship if I knew everything. Not wanting to add to my pain. Trying to minimize to himself as well as me, if he didn't tell me he could almost pretend it didn't happen, and that he wasn't ‘that ‘person."

We are in couples counselling and he has said exactly this above - he is trying to brush it under the carpet to make it go away - he wants to forget it and move on - even though having read "How to heal your spouse..." he knows intellectually that what he is doing is preventing any recovery. gutted I will read this and pass it on to him - thank you.

However I am more likely to end it because of the continued lies, as really the facts he was/is hiding are tedious.

He knows it is wrong - the counsellor has said that lying reflex/unconscious to him - he is like a child as he fears any confrontation - lying, minimising, distorting was/is a key part of our relationship issues already - specifically around money/parenting etc before the affair stuff.

Top and Viv -- I really dont know - I dont want to be with a man like him - but I am - I am trying to encourage him to be honest. I dont know where my self respect is - I hope to find it soon.

Why are you trying to encourage him to be honest? What is the root of your motivation?

I genuinely don't see how you can look at him and think, "yes, this is the man I want in my life".

Hi everyone, I'm hoping that the fact that this thread has been quiet for a month is that everyone is getting on with living and loving, a bit too optimistic maybe?

Well, after my drama we're still together for now and the question I wanted to ask is to all the people who've been through their DDay year anniversary. Mine is coming up on Saturday, do we ignore it or do something special? What has everyone else done?

On another note, has everyone been reading the 'I am the OW' thread? I've seen a few of us on there, I've been biting my metaphorical tongue!

hey dreaming glad to hear you are still together. hope things are improving for you.

i have no idea what you should do for Dday. ours is coming up in september. would love to hear how others handled it.

mine is almost like a deadline for me. i promised myself that i would give it a year before i make any decisions (i.e. separate/ divorce/ shag someone else!). if things haven't improved i will definitely ask him to leave.

so i guess if things do improve in the next 6 weeks, then it will be a cause for celebration!

i just looked for the 'i am the ow' thread. can't find it. is it in relationships?

found it

I couldn't remember if we did anything so had to look back at my fbook page.

We all went to stay with DH's family and went to watch a panto the day after. I can't remember doing anything special on the actual day itself. I think we prob decided not to as didn't really want to 'mark' it.

I do remember we did a lot of talking and going over old ground at that point. And I prob got very upset and angry at some points....

I hope one day I won't even notice the date...

That's the problem, I don't want to mark it, but I know I'm going to feel really shitty that day, and so ignoring it isn't really an option either.

Bleurgh, I'm dreading it.

Which way are you swaying at the moment gessami, do you think things will realistically improve by DDay?

dreaming maybe just give him a heads up that you will be feeling terrible? does he know it's DDay? i'm not sure my H would.

last week i told H about my 1 year thing. and we agreed to go all out and really give it our best for the next couple of months…. that lasted about a day.

but really the affair isn't the main issue anymore. he doesn't seem to want to be with me. and yet he swears blind that he does. he can't hug me or kiss me, or even sit next to me on the sofa. we don't talk, he doesn't tell me what he's doing or how his day has been. it's like having a weird anti-social flatmate. with only one bed.

although he has really turned it around with the kids. he came to all their sports days and parents evenings. he's playing with them, listening to them, having fun with them. he's being a lovely dad again.

just not a lovely husband.

so maybe it is about the affair. he could have sex with her (UNPROTECTED ) but can't seem to do it with me.

he says i'm cold to him. i say he's cold to me. we're like a pair of idiots. making each other miserable. and making our kids miserable.

so i guess i'm swaying towards us separating (i was secretly browsing primelocation today). but we've been together since we were kids and i just can't imagine us not being together. we used to adore each other.

wow that was an essay. sorry.

Yeah, I think I will, I really don't know if he will realise it's the anniversary actually.

Re. your situation, I think you have a more than perfect excuse to be cold to him, it's up to him to make the effort to make it right.

And you've given it such a good go, at least you'll never be plagued by 'what if I'd tried a bit harder,' as I, and everybody on this board knows, there's no way any of us could try harder, it's not a situation any of us wanted to be in.

Did you (and more importantly he) read the 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair'? We ordered it and read it about a month ago, and it does have some good advice, especially for your husband, it doesn't sound like he's even trying to make things better anymore. Hopefully there's some nice properties on primelocation for you if they're needed.

Your last sentence 'We used to adore each other' made me really sad, for you, me and all of us on this thread, it pretty much sums it up, we used to adore each other. Even if we stay together I doubt that adoration would ever come back.

Hi all,
I know what I am going through pales in comparison to many of you but I could use a bit of support and advice to get my marriage back on track.
I've been with dh for almost 10 years, married for just over 2 and we have an 18 month old.
A few weeks ago he started to behave unusually and I eventually found evidence that he had slept in bed hugging a female coworker after a drunken night out. They then discussed the event,that it wasn't wrong and how they would like it to happen again. He tells me that it was just hugging but he understands how wrong it was. He said that he would cut external contact with her and as he was moving jobs he would soon never have to see her again. Two weeks later I found evidence that he had still been in contact with her and had told her that he hoped they could stay in contact (he says because she's a nice person) I tried to delve deeper as I believed that her marriage was failing, she'd been suffering from stress/depression and I guess I wanted to feel like there was some reason for it all. He said he didn't know but I again found evidence that implied all was not well in her marriage and that she had told him how she couldn't trust herself around him and she had feelings for him.

I want to believe what he says and that nothing has gone further than hugging. I've told him that I want the full truth and if anything else comes out and I find out he's lied again that will be it. I think he gets the severity of it all and I am making sure we keep communicating but am not sure how to move forward and get the trust back.
Is it just time? Are there things i can do to help? I just keep seeing them hugging and feel the betrayal. If he loves me as much as he says he does why would he hurt me like that?
I am conscious that a lot of people would tell me he's horrible and to end things but I want separation to be a last resort so want to put a lot of effort into moving forward. It's difficult not to bring it up if I get annoyed at him. I feel like he should be worshipping me and doing everything to make it up to me but I know that's not really right as I need to be able to move forward and not hold it against him otherwise the marriage will never work.

Hi broken, sorry that this has happened to you.

Do you think that he is telling the truth that it went no further than hugging? Or do you think there's more to it, what does your gut tell you?

Does he seem properly sorry? You say you think he has realised the severity of it, is he trying to make amends?

To a certain extent, I think the old adage of 'time is a healer' is right. I'm nearly a year on from finding out about my husband's emotional affair, and it is still painful, but not 'sit down in the shower crying' painful like it was in the early days. There are various books you could both read, the often recommended one on here is 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair,' my husband and I read this one recently and it's quite helpful. There's also 'How Can I Ever Trust You Again?' which I read quite a while back, this might be helpful, it's aimed for the betrayed partner but there's a part at the end of each chapter for the betrayer to read.

You gave him 10 years of trust and he has just stomped all over it, if it took 10 years to build up, then it's not going to come back overnight, he really has to work at earning it back.

Hi dreaming I really do believe that it went no further as there have been things from her that implied she can't be near him as she'd want to go further.
Sometimes I do question if he will cease to have contact with her again but can't work out if that's my hurt and insecurity showing after the betrayal or a instinct.
I noticed some message alerts on his phone when I checked his battery today (I genuinely wanted to steal the charger for mine so checked his level first) Ai asked him who they were from as I wasn't aware he had that particular messaging app and he showed me (it was nothing) but his hands were shaking before hand almost like it could have been bad.
There were previously messages discussing them hugging in bed again on another night out but he denies that would have happened as he wasn't planning to go but he had asked that night (before I found out everything) if he could go, so I can't be sure he is giving me total honesty even though I have told him it's what I want and deserve.
I will look into those books thanks. I really don't want the marriage to end as I do love him, he loves his daughter for sure, we own a home and I have settled a long way from family for him so have invested a he'll of a lot over the past 10 years to let it go easily. I know he used to love me as he stuck with me through depression when I was awful to him I just feel we lost our way and he strayed so need to bring it all back.

I also worry that I am not dealing with it at all. I had a few moments initially when I cried a lot but it feels like it never happened. I feel numb about it a lot and don't understand how he can love me and do such a thing. Then I start to justify it and then I go back to almost forgetting it ever happened, until I close my eyes or have a quiet moment when it just makes me feel uncomfortable or something. The sadness just isn't coming. Does that make sense? It's only been 4 weeks. Am I glossing over it and burying it? Knowing it will rear it's head in the future.

Does he know why he did it? Was it for attention, validation or just an ego boost? I think that needs to be addressed first of all as if he doesn't know why he did it, then he can't be sure that it won't happen again.

It's a horrible thing to lose faith in someone who you have trusted for so long. I said to my husband a while back, I would still trust him with my life, but I can't trust him again with my heart, not yet.

If you can afford/access it I would definitely recommend marriage counselling, ours was really helpful.

Sorry, x-post. I found the first few weeks a lot more - peaceful - I suppose is the word, than the rest that followed. I had days of, 'I can get over this,' I remember sitting with him watching a film and feeling like we'd get over it fairly quickly, a few weeks and we'd be back to normal.

I think it's shock to some extent, I'd got my initial anger out and I thought I was coping with the aftermath. I didn't have a clue! I think that we were still in the eye of the storm then, and you may be too at the moment, once you try to get things back to normal you realise how far from normal things actually are.

Hi Broken 2006, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I agree with dreaming, I found out on 1st Nov, but it didn't really hit home until after Christmas. If you want to move forward you need to know what and why. Then you can explore whether you think you will be able to move forwards. My partner tried to minimize and cover up what happened which made it 100 times worse, the details he covered up were so stupid. You can't rebuild an honest relationship if one of you is lying, you need to try and make this clear to him. Then you need to discover the 'why'.

Talking and reading through books will help, but couple counseling helped us most. It wasn't until my partner was really honest with the 'why' that we both moved forwards. He couldn't admit to me that after his ONS he questioned if he loved me. He wondered how could he have done 'that' and still love me? Exactly what I wondered.

I could tell he was not being honest (we have been together 19 years) and began to get very obsessive and have panic attacks. My self esteem totally plummeted. I went on AD's which have helped enormously. I have stopped obsessing and seem to be able to think and see more objectively.

Our relationship sucked at that time, we were both overwhelmed with other responsibilities and lost touch with each other. He felt I no longer loved him, and I felt the same and I have to admit if I had been in the same situation I cant say 100% that I wouldn't have been tempted.

9 months on my self esteem is back on track and I am feeling much better. I have forgiven him but I don't feel 100% secure, more like 95%, its like I need to hold a little back. I think this is what people mean when they say the innocence or the relationship is lost. He is doing everything he can to make me feel special and wanted. If anything, as I get stronger he seems to get more clingy. I think the correlation between self esteem and recovery is key.

Keep strong, keep talking and remember that you can do this, whether it be staying together or splitting up.

Well it a year today since by partner betrayed me with a ONS. I have been dreading it, but I just feel numb and sad. I now have 6 weeks until the first anniversary of D day when my trust was shattered and I discovered my partner of 18 years was not the person I thought he was.
I think I am getting over it. We are getting on very well and I would go as far as saying most of the time I am happy. But in the background there is still that ??something?? lurking. It??s like Christmas when you discover Father Christmas is not real. I hold a little piece of me back as protection, just in case.

How is everyone else doing?

hi lots

I guess it's not a bad thing to keep a little back. we need to protect ourselves. and yet how brilliant that overall you're happy. that's pretty huge. think about how you felt this time last year.

the DDay is a tricky one. dreaming what did you do in the end?

my DDay is on monday. one minute we talk about separating and one minute we decide we have to make it work. we just can't seem to do it.

I hope the next 6 weeks till DDay goes ok for you lots.