Oh bugger, its all gone pear shaped again. Since the last downwards spiral at Easter things have been good. Had a lovely week away over half term. I think that is the problem. When things start to get good I am scared to allow myself to feel normal and let go of the hurt. I need to keep it close so it can't creep up on me again.
Things had been simmering since we got home on Friday. Sunday night we talked about it but he got grumpy and said he couldn't bear the thought of sitting up for hours and hours dissecting the same details over and over again. I reminded him that when he gets angry its usually because I have hit a sore point about something he is lying about, in this case his feelings for OW and how pretty/attractive he still finds me and I told him that if I couldn't talk then there was no hope for us, we didn't really talk again until Tues.
On Tues he admitted that he thought the OW was prettier than he had let on. Earlier in the process we had gone through a load of 1-10 scenarios of how attractive/pretty/emotional supported/sexy he thought we both were at various stages. For a lot of things this has been very useful as he seems to find it hard to articulate his emotions. The problem has been the 'pretty' element as he finds it hard to separate how pretty someone is from how attractive.
Anyway turns out he was lying to me to save my feelings, he had been saying she seemed prettier as things progressed (from 4/10 up to 8/10), but seeing her pictures weeks later (when I found them on FB) she wasn't like he remembers, more like 3/10 and it must have been beer goggles or affair fog/bubble that made her seem so great. He now says it was 8/10 almost straight away and he still thinks, based of photos that she is 7 or 8/10. He lied because he knew It would shatter my already low self confidence. He says how 'pretty' she was had nothing to do with what he did, he chose to reject me because she made him feel wanted and attractive, when he thought about me he didn't think 'oh she's prettier', he felt resentful that I did not seem to love or desire him anymore. He said the only difference her appearance made is that he would probably not have chosen to snog a munter.
He said that I have been 8/10 for most of our relationship going down to 6/10 when we began to become distant and emotionally detached. He said it was because I always seemed unhappy and tired (no shit). He said that it had gone back up to 7 -8/10 when we had renewed our connection.
He now states I am still only 6/10. I stupidly asked why I had gone down from 8 - 6 in his estimation, and its because I am now 42, I have eye bags, wrinkles and my skin doesn't have that 'youthful glow' any more . He said I must think the same about him too (no, I think age has improved his looks). He said that when OW is our age no doubt she will be much less prettier too (she is at least 15 years younger). He says ageing doesn't matter to him, whats important is that he now feels totally attracted to me again 9-10/10 (it had gone down to 6/10 at the time of his betrayal).
I just cant help thinking that he regards me as a 'midling' in the prettiness department, it hurts so much. But more importantly WHY THE FUCK DID I GO ON AND ON UNTIL HE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO TELL ME. WHY DID I NEED TO KNOW?
Its like I am on auto destruct. I have told him I am not sure if I can be in a relationship with someone who regards me as averagely pretty. He said he loves me but is not sure he can carry on with my unreasonable behavior. I told him 'tough shit' you brought this on us. I ended up driving off to the coast in the car this evening with a carrier bag of gin and pain killers. I did give serious consideration to ending it all. It was the thought of causing my family pain that stopped me. I asked him to leave when I got home, I don't know where he has gone. I am going to see the doctor today as I have scared myself. I think I am out of control
Sorry this is so long. I need to get it out, I have been awake all night crying.